Day One....

[originalsb83]

Being out with MissM today, made me finally come to terms with the evil black side of me that was out during my addiction and alcoholism. I was just so mean!! To hear one of the sweetest most loving women I know say that about me was like "Damn, you must do. Everything to never go back there. Fight to stay on this path" Then she told me she was proud of me. 30 minutes later riverside text me the same thing. I must not ever give up on myself again. I can rest, take a day for self. But I MUST never do meth or drink again. Two women I respect the most who love and care about me the most that aren't blood but totally sisters to me, ARE PROUD OF ME!! I already know that my mom and sister are. Oh yeah. And I know how dark I can get now. Probably colder than the coldest place in the known universe. (Science is fucking cool as fuck!) Ramble. Tangents. Night.

[originalsb83]

Holy crap!!! When you slooow down and start paying attention... how grateful or hateful you become!!

Well today was one I ALMOST didn't make it through, infact this whole weekend I was super close to saying fuck it and just flicking the fuck it switch. But then the most greatest thing happened. I told someone how I was feeling. I told the person who upset me that they did and why. But as I told them why I realized how unbelievably selfish, wrong and ungrateful not to mention irresponsible I was being. So I just told them why I did that. I was angry. I wanted to use to run from HE. I fought everything in me to not msg egp and just go back to the guy who I had just hurt and made a complete ass out of myself infront of. (It's is sooooo true that you hurt the ones you care about the most in active addiction, not to mention act the most fucking crazy infront of). I really dug this guy. He was just so chill. I was a complete crazy jib head whack job man. I'm so embarrassed about that. But anyways fought that AND %the urge to use on Friday night. Dun nuh nuh nuh 2 fucking weeks away from booze and meth!! Well..... my head fucking lost it today. I took my mom out for the bestest burger in the lower mainland. YES. I swear. To die for. Ugh I want another right now. And read her all of these..... for the first time as I read out loud (I have read to the doctor each one and I will explain why in a bit) I actually cried. I felt my pain. I didn't stop reading. I needed to let it out. I had to show my mom that I was still in there. I felt like a child all over again as she touched my arm to comfort me. Long story short (meds kicked in!!! Fucking sweet!) I didn't fucking pick up! Or drink! I am Super fucking lucky! Grateful--this girl RIGHT HERE! I don't know why people care but it feels nice to feel a squeeze back harder when you need a hug and you are pulled tighter for longer.... through a phone. Nighty night.

[blackgirlsreverything]

it’s not your job to entertain him by sending him nudes

it’s not your job to satisfy him sexually because he’s horny

you are not required to do anything that makes you feel uncomfortable or that you don’t want to do

don’t be scared of “losing him”

he most likely wasn’t anything worth keeping

[fffddd09-deactivated20170610]

Girls need to be taught this from such an early age.

[rockxxoutxxright]

a boner is not a medical condition. you are under no obligation to do anything.

[jwill526]

A great empowerment message.

[ninthwardjawn-deactivated201902]

when a nigga says things like ‘ur too good for me’, listen to him. he’s right. he’s warning ur ass that he ain’t shit.

[originalsb83]

I've been baaaaad but in a good way.

Ok. I haven't wrote since I vomit out some truth. It is because life has taken off for me. I am loving driving. Not drinking. Getting healthy. RECONNECTING with friends and family. And here is the best part I never thought I could/should or would ever say... I am enjoying being me in my own skin. Single. Just I seriously can not believe this was on the other side of that dark clouds that was depression, addiction, trauma and everything else that was my world before the 18th of February...... How dark is it before the dawn. I fought with myself everyday. It IS hard to admit that you have an internal war inside of you to drink/use and not to people who you tried to impress and pretend to be normal infront of for so long. I walked back into the rooms WITH ZERO shame. I was proud of my 5 hours--hey everyone in recovery has to start at zero sometime if they ever want to get clean or sober. I shot my hand up at every meeting and announced that I was coming back. Full name first and last coming back. Then when finally after announcing for a week all while NOT drinking or smoking meth, and sleeping every night, and filling myself with food, vitamins, positivity and forgiveness, I had made it to a week. Then 10 days. Then I realized holy shit. I have nothing to be ashamed of as holy fucking shit I am a meth head with a crazy head who happens to be an alky too.... who isn't using or drunk. I don't ever have to again. The story to get me to this decision is remarkable and my experience.... so no need to be ashamed of it. I survived everything that could kill people. Has killed people. Shit. I am lucky to be alive, truly. Every day every moment I have not taken for granted. It could be gone in a nanosecond. (Or an actual jiffy) Showing EVERYONE who loved me til the end the appreciation and gratitude they deserve and it feels good. KNOWing that some day my experience is going to *hopefully* prevent some innocent girl from going through the years of torment I went through or a certain death is reason enough for me to keep going. May not be tomorrow, next year or even 5 years, but I have to stay clean and sober for the day I meet the poor thing. One moment at a time. It's like I died and didn't know it and have been reborn. I don't talk down about myself. I also don't sing my praises (oh my gawd I'm so hawt!----NO, I am not my exterior. I am right sized...) Except about every day I have not drank or used....... cause I'm blown the fuck away. I didn't think I would make it through the first 72 hours..... that was hard. I crawled in my skin the first hour and that was it. Mind you 45 minutes of that hour consisted of driving in my car screaming at the top of my lungs because I felt so uncomfortable..... but no one saw that. I tell people because that shit is crazy and what my addiction did to me. I have never felt more ME in my life. That scream must have been the pain exiting my body or the evil spirit of addiction dying. However I view it was definitely needed. #recovery #mentalillness #honesty #nightandday #nofilter #yourapprovalisnotneeded #addiction #methhead #iamwhoiam #singleandsoberbutnotsane

[asapscience]

What’s your fave science/math subject?

[originalsb83]

Day THREE!!!

So I can not believe that I am already three freaking days clean and sober. I remember how badly I took these days for granted my other stints in AA. No….. at ANY TIME I can lose it all again. But this time around, I do believe that the Universe (my higher power which I choose to call God) conspired (tweeeeaker lol) to get me HERE! I mean for YEARS, I had NO clue what I wanted to do or should do with my life. I asked everyone what they thought I should be (people pleasing at its finest by yours truly lol) and could NEVER make a decision. I also believed I was stupid, and a failure because I chose to escort than go to school or get married or whatever that is people are “supposed to do” in their 20s for a “normal life”.

Lol normal what the fucking hell is that shit anyways?? The most “normal” people I know are secretly just as fucked up but either closet cases or better at hiding it cause they let it out in private. Yeah that little old granny next to you–probably into Bondage or watching bukkake porn while crocheting your blanket or something. And I never kept it a secret–I was different growing up. I came from a fucked up childhood that was surrounded by crime, drugs, violence, sex and murder. Atleast until I was 8, then it was foster care where my corrections officer foster dad molested me at age 9. Then proceeds into alcoholism, more violence and crime. It’s weird because I never use to let my past affect me, I literally brushed it off like nothing. REPRESSION.

I got raped 5x (by 5 different guys at separate times) when I was 20.

Started smoking meth and drinking. Lost a ton of weight.

Did porn….. started escorting before 21 years old. Fell IN LOVE with it. Felt so powerful. Started making so much money I had no idea what to do with it. So I started to party…. bond… make friends.

Fuck face moved in with me. Started to beat me, take my money, extort me “so he wouldn’t beat me when I got home from being a ‘dirty fucking slut’ ” met js though……

Left that goof. Most empowering feeling ladies…. to stand up to him and say you are leaving him and fucking MEAN IT!!

And that leads brief points up to me being 22 years old.

How am I supposed to be normal now?? I need a way out of this misery. To not feel. To keep the perky bubbly girl that everyone liked and wanted to be around facade up. I was actually pretty good at using my ‘work’ for that as an outlet (I LOOOOOVE sex lol) for a while. Then I dunno I think the party caught up with me or something cause suddenly I had no goals or ambition. I lost my job at the fd cause I gained too much weight after my alcoholism kicked in.

Ugh. Then I started to work out in the sticks. Got really fucked up. Blacking out every day or 2. Worked soley to support putting shit ass buffed coke up my nose and the evil poison liquor down my throat. In my head though, I was going to make a name for myself or something. (Delusional alcoholic thinking of course) I stayed fucked up for years. Tried detox, but could never get more than 3 weeks without SOMETHING….

Then after getting kicked out of treatment for showing up wasted (one last bender!!! Wooo —noooo lol) I went out on a 'booty call’ and that fucking booty call lasted 7 fucking years!!!

Rojo. My angel. My pain in the ass. Gave me a reason to live, I suddenly wanted a family, a career, to get fucking MARRIED! Out of a booty call! It was great, it was painful, it was probably the most normal I ever portrayed. I worked behind his back. I lied about it, I started to drink to get rid of the guilt. But would get stints of sober time. Then my benders would be like 5 to 17 days long. Leaving him up worrying. I was a fucking bitch to this guy I loved. Any guy I love I am always mean to because for some strange reason, they usually like me too. And I can’t be having any of that. I DESTROYED nice guys because I never thought I deserved one.

I see that differently now. I am a very sweet loving person who loves to make people I care about feel good about themselves. And I love to make them laugh. I dunno. I guess it’s because I know what it’s like to have or feel like “no one cares” or that the world isn’t a good place. For a time there when I was pissed off (the relapse I am recovering from), I remember everything being so ugly. And then when I started to look emj

[originalsb83]

random thought at bottom

So here it is….. my bottom, or at least this is where I am going to stop digging and not go any further as I know the next part of my disease will either be death, insanity, or homelessness. Yes it has gotten that bad. It hit me in the last 24 hours just how taken by addiction, alcoholism and mental illness I actually am. First off….. don’t do meth–> ever. Just don’t. It will ruin anything that means anything to you–including the fact that YOU mean SOMETHING!!!

It was all fun and games to begin with, I loved to party. I liked getting fucked up, it made me feel like whoever I got high with always formed some kind of bond with. I had always been lonely or wanting friends since I could remember.

[originalsb83]

if you think you can't you're right, but if you think you can you might.

[originalsb83]

Ravish my body, control my thoughts. I am now your slave.

I didn’t anticipate my life to get this out of control. All I wanted was to not feel the anguish and emptiness I couldn’t run from. Just for the night. It had happened, Rojo finally moved on and it was worse than any time we had fought before. I knew this time I was not chasing after him and it was his best shot at being happy. So I let him go. Didn’t realize that was the beginning of 24 years of repression coming to the surface. Anything I hadn’t dealt with had ripped open and I was walking around exposed and terrified. The plan was one night. Til the middle of the month. OK end of the month. UNTIL THE PAIN IS GONE OR I FORGET WHY I AM HURTING SO MUCH! Summer came and went, so did Fall. Suddenly it’s Christmas and I’m just fucked. Totally isolated and losing my shit. Barely sleeping. Just a miserable ungrateful greedy selfish drunk/addict.desperately needing to be loved.i needed company but knew that I was not the same girl all the people in my phone became friends with. Plus I was so ashamed & embarrassed. I lost my corporate job & went back to the “Biz” well… I got hooked back on that. I had started to believe that inner monologue that was telling me I was fat, ugly, gross, not good enough. My brain now had a new master that was beating the shit out of it. Now, I’ve struggled since entering “the program” , but this time was different. I never had all these cool things before—sobriety, faith, contentment, not to mention had landed a legit corporate job (basically was just telemarketing but I have an ego problem and it needs to sound fancy so I can feel good about myself lol), had never had that feeling before (when I had my spiritual experience in the big book step group “bootcamp” with the powerful and most amazingly cool guys I have ever had the pleasure of learning from (if you personally know me, you know who I am talking about)) I felt like that was it. That I would never return to drinking or drugging again, or the a.e. industry. I was certain this was what I was truly meant to be. I stopped “hooking up” with this dude, and wasn’t working anymore, I was actually holding myself with respect and oh my gosh did it feel good. I didn’t know that I was really ACTUALLY mentally ill…. I thought I just joked about it.

It is fucking real. And holy shit, if you do not talk to your doctor or anyone about it, it will slowly drive you insane...... I got to the point of contemplating suicide because I couldnt explain what was going on or if it was even real or the drugs at this point. Please, DO NOT be ashamed of having a mental illness, thats like being sorry for having cancer--No one asks for it “hey mom can you make me an extra crazy bitch today and while your at it, throw some complex PTSD in there with a dash of Bi Polar”..... no one wants it, but sadly, some of us get just that. For me, I always felt out of place, got along WAAAAY Better with older people than anyone my age, was not afraid to speak my mind, and never wanted to be like everyone else but wanted to fit in and be liked by everyone.