Orphean Journal

19 | Working only on impulse, coffee, and depression

[orphean-journal]

WHAT THE FUCK

WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK

I JUST REALIZED THAT I DIDN'T REALLY LIKE ANY OF MY EXES UNTIL WE STARTED DATING

I SCAMMED MY DEMISEXUALISM INTO FALLING IN LOVE WITH HIM

I DEADASS FAKED IT TILL I MADE IT I FUCKING HATE IT HERE

I WAS IN A HYPOMANIC EPISODE AND HE WAS MY BAD DECISION

WHY

WHY IS THERE EXTRA STEP

WITHOUT THE INTERVENTION OF MENTAL ILLNESS, I WOULD LITERALLY NOT FALL IN LOVE WITH ANYONE

THE LAST TIME I WAS ANYWHERE NEAR LOVE I DID THE BPD THING OF PUTTING SOMEONE ON A PEDESTAL

WHY IS IT MENTAL ILLNESS

WHY AM I LIKE THIS

FUCK THIS

[orphean-journal]

Today was pretty cool.

It sucks that I was really tired and couldn't contribute much, and that it was fairly short, but I appreciate friends.

I don't really have many people to rely on, so friendship is very nice

[orphean-journal]

Yo

I just really, really, really need a hug

Like, dead ass kinda depressed lmao

Just kinda want human affection

Like, would really appreciate the touch of a human body

I cannot initiate anymore because *trauma* and I can't do it anymore

___

The farther I walk out into the woods, the colder the wind gets, and the lower the sun sets in the sky. As the moon rises, my muscles begin to stiffen. I have walked for too long, and the cold only gets colder. I choose to believe in the fables and choose to continue suffering, but stories are not guarantees.

Maybe this explains why I want to be set on fire.

[orphean-journal]

February 22nd, 2022

I am writing 3 things at the same time.

That's college life bay-bee.

So, I was editing the second draft of my Haibun for my English composition class, and it reminded me of a post I saw on instagram that I wanted to write about, and then that reminded me of the terrible rationale I had created for myself when breaking up with him, and I am sad now.

It's so inane, the approximations we have for almost everything. We believe ourselves to be greater, less than we are, but never exact. I thought (correctly) that I couldn't grow as a person with him. I would be stuck in comfortability forever. However, I thought (severely incorrectly) that I would be able to just compartmentalize the pain and just continue living. This was (obviously) not the fucking case.

I really should block his accounts that he doesn't use and delete the pictures he doesn't send any more, but I don't want to forget his face. I don't have any polaroids to keep in a memory box, and I don't want to go through the infinity of memories still laden within my phone.

This is enough indulgent writing. I have English homework to do.

[orphean-journal]

February 12th, 2022

I finished The Magicians and wow fuck me man

Okay, I can't give a well thought-out take right now, but honestly, I loved it. It explored its themes pretty well, if not immersively. Watching it, though, made me realize:

I like watching shit be fucked.

It's such a nice contrast from most media. It's all trying to be funny, positive, eye-catching. This show is a trainwreck from start to finish. No respite. Moving forward always causes new problems to move forward from, but they keep moving forward anyway.

This show is an escape mixed with reality. Yeah, there are hot people and yeah cool magic shit exists, but people are still shitty and everything gets better in the worst way possible.

I have more to say, but it's all bullshit because it's 5am and I need to sleep

Anyways, I desperately need more shows like it. I am mentally ill.

[icarus-tirade]

02.06.2022

Anger be so thick to me, like it’s kinda suffocating cause when it goes away it feels like I can breathe so much easier.

I wish I knew why I get so angry when I do, it feels like 1 to 100 in 2 seconds. I know why I get angry I guess but why? And why so easily.

It’s so hard to manage which sucks cause it feels like it completely takes over and I can’t think straight cause everything just makes it worse unless I take a moment for myself, without interruption, to let it run its course. It then becomes slightly manageable to where I can talk without attitude and eventually it’s all gone. It’s just the initial feeling and getting through it that’s terrible to me. I wish I didn’t get angry so easily, especially when it’s over nothing.

[orphean-journal]

YOOO! I have the same shit! We are the same. :)

Personally, I think I get it from my dad. It's this deep, irrational hatred of some minor annoyance that gets blown out of proportion.

I know I joke like "ahaha it's the trauma babes" but like I'm serious this time. Knowing your parents, this probably has something to do with how they can seem to suddenly and irrationally be in a bad mood and in your bullshit.

If it's not that, idk broski its counselor time

Personally, I stopped most of it with a massive amount of self-destruction. I understand that this isn't necessarily the most healthy way of doing it, so I wish you luck in finding your own fix for it.

If you get it towards just random people near you, like during lectures, just know I get the same shit. I think people forget they aren't just in their room, or maybe they're just comp sci majors. This kind of anger is unfixable, and I think it's needed, to be honest.

Let me know if you find any luck in fixing it.

Broski Orpheus

[orphean-journal]

Big Update

Did neither of those things, but still did most of the work.

I think that's okay.

[orphean-journal]

A prayer for motivation

I will take anything at this point

It's literally the first assignment of the semester and I'm already just fucking out of it. I was literally okay yesterday what the fuck happened.

Okay, I have found a solution. If I tell myself that I can only go outside and sing after I finish writing it, then I feel small motivation.

I love holding my vibes hostage

[icarus-tirade]

01.16.2022

I’d give my left titty to know how my friends see me through different mediums such as; meme, objects, songs, art, etc etc

Like,,, something where they’re like

“I was at the store and I saw this and thought of you”

“This quote is you”

“This has your vibe”

“lol this you”

I mean… I do this because I’m not that good at maintaining relationships in normal ways… IMO I don’t really understand everything that comes with being a friend consistently so me sending stuff is equivalent to me saying “Hey! I still wanna be friends, and despite me not talking to you, I still think of you and consider you apart of my life in a meaningful way <3”

But I’d like to receive those things too yk? Something that proclaims the same message. I can’t outright ask for it because it’s not the same, it’s not an effortless I thought of you, it’s forced just because I wanna feel wanted(?). So like L but C’est La Vie at the same time.

[orphean-journal]

2/2/2021

Hi Broski!! I've decided to write more letters because I haven't done that in a while. That's on me tbh, but also this is who I am and you probably know that already lmao I'm very sorry

Expect more letters in the coming days :)

I'm sorry if this makes no sense I'm trying to think big brain but I'm sleepy

I'm not completely sure if you specifically want the "this you" vibe or if you mean you want your friends to send you random shit sometimes. I know you acknowledge that communication is not a solution you like, but I promise it will make your life better.

I know I'm DEFINITELY one to talk, but relying on other people's vibe reading and telepathy for things like this is a one-way road to disappointment. In its extreme it makes for a romanticized moment for sure, and it's nice to feel naturally understood by someone, but that's only when it goes right. It's basically just gambling, but with your emotions.

It's not necessarily forced in a bad way either. If you ask for it, and someone decides to do it, they still spent a portion of their time specifically for you. If they do it multiple times, at some point they made the conscious decision to put in more energy.

I have more to say, but sleepy

Also, look at the tiktoks I sent you dickhead. Its been weeks.

With care,

Broski Orpheus

[orphean-journal]

Nothing lasts forever

This is a part of me and I kinda hate that.

So, snapchat, in all its glorious wisdom, has shown me two videos from 4-5 years ago.

One is just my friend smashing a giant block of snow with a sledge hammer. Very nice. Very sweet. You can hear Gavin's high pitched voice in the background. Very cute. We joke about flextape. It's nostalgic.

The other is one of the only videos I have of my friend who has been dead for 2+ years now.

Before he died, he told me about his sister in the military and how he felt pressure and how he missed her and how he's trying to help his mom and now he's six feet under. The people handling his body didn't know how to treat someone with his complexion. His body looked green.

When he wasn't there at the start of 11th grade, I thought he was just not feeling well, or maybe he was being homeschooled, or maybe he had made a business. He was making a lot of money as a pizza middle man, and he was getting into finance way before covid stock and cryptocurrency bullshit happened. But in the back of my mind, I knew there was a non-zero chance something bad happened.

His mom says the doctor says he just died randomly, probably of a heart problem. I think all of us have our doubts though.

I think my problem is that I've lost all hope. All of my good memories are painful now. I have none from elementary school. My best friend in middle school is probably either in an abusive relationship or fucking dead. The person I basically dedicated my being to has already moved on. The only two times in my life I ever felt truly understood are now only filled with pain and regret. It's so painful to think about the past. I have so many regrets. All my life, I have told myself to wait. Things will always get better.

Things do not get better. They only change.

One step forward can always be followed by an infinite number of steps back.

fuck

Jesus Christ this is heavy lmao. I just had a flashback to the funeral Jesus fucking christ man.

I really want to stop writing about this seriously, so therefore:

It all just reinforced the pessimism in my mind. That anxious voice that fears everything bad that could ever happen. Of course, other shit has as well. So much bullshit has happened in the past 2 years that honestly, things are looking pretty fucking bleak broski. Everytime I think the sun is about to rise, it's always just a fucking meteor headed towards me at mach 10.

[orphean-journal]

Focusing is hard

I feel very awful right now

Did you know that the Wikipedia page for borderline personality disorder says that people with it "suffer extreme amounts of mental anguish"? That's sexy. I'm putting that on my imaginary tinder profile.

Modding my keyboard (like a fucking nerd) has made me realize that I really like working with my hands. Building and modifying something tangible is really satisfying. Unfortunately, creatively fulfilling jobs that commonly include creating with your hands like jeweler or blacksmith don't really pay too well. Definitely not enough to fucking live in this country.

I'm trying to focus on learning the coding language C++ before the semester begins because I want to learn OpenGL so that I can make a game engine with it or maybe send cool virtual letters to my friends.

I also want to get into the engineering part of computer science. I'm starting to see cool shit on my tiktok fyp from other computer science students and I want to make cool shit. I just think it would be neat.

I'm realizing that I don't like *sex* but that I like *making love* if that makes sense. This probably has to go with the demisexual thing, but I'm realizing how uncomfortable and awkward I find casual sex to be. Or maybe I'm just awkward lmao, but even early last semester when I was open to being *promiscuous* I found that I didn't really get the same enjoyment out of it. Or maybe that's what everyone else feels and I'm just adding labels for no reason.

Holy shit am i fucking cringe dude I cannot believe i was who i was in highschool what the actual fuck

I am making a second post because snapchat fucked me up and now I'm extra sad. We have achieved *advanced depresson*

[orphean-journal]

More writing because I feel nothing anymore

Someone fill my husk with love so I might have a soul again.

Or something like that, I guess.

After spending an ungodly amount of money for someone like myself, I suddenly want to spend no money ever. Like, oh my god I do not need anything else. I literally need nothing else. After I get this laptop, I will literally feel like I'm sitting on a solid gold throne in the middle of a field of rotting bodies. It makes me feel this weird actualization of the grossness of decadence. Ew.

Anyways, if you ever need anything broski, just let me know :]

Once again, I feel complacent, like I haven't done anything worthwhile. I talked to my counselor a few weeks ago about the pressure to be ordinarily unique, especially in a time where indie performers need to be on social media 24/7 to be successful. Of course, I'm nowhere near there, but a dream of mine is to live a life where every day's a new experience and the downtime is refreshing and fulfilling. In other words, a side-quest in the streets, main story in the sheets. 😌 It's very idealistic and not sustainable at all, but right now I'm nowhere near that. Like, at all. The pandemic is preventing a lot of it, sure, but even without it I just don't do anything lmao. I need some change. I definitely don't want to move lmao, but I also don't want to stay in one place all the time. There is so much to life that I'm missing out on. I'm literally going to be 20 this year. That's fucking disgusting. It's even more disgusting when you realize that for most of my adult fucking life I have stayed cooped up and alone. What the fuck. I hate this. I hate it here. What the actual fuck.

There's definitely some personality problems going on, I think. I mean, I kinda overrode my personality at the beginning of the fall semester and put extroversion on overdrive, but after that fucking hurt and disappointment, it's just kinda reinforced my depression lmao.

I'm tired of thinking about myself. I'm going to go downstairs, eat some cookies, and dream about the partner I will never have.

okeee byeee

[orphean-journal]

Writing so I can sleep

It's fucking 6:23 am fuck my sleep amirite

I spent an ungodly amount on money today, and I'm really excited for everything to come in. I bought

1. A new fucking chair. Finally. I sat in one fucking chair for the entirety of senior year and it's just really worn down. I have back problems because of that chair. I'm pretty sure my tailbone is eroded because of this chair. No more. No more must I suffer. I spent $330 on this god damn chair and it will last me a lifetime. I will work from home forever so I can sit in this comfortable ass chair for the rest of my god damn life.

2. New monitor. It's so pretty man. It's 4k with good a curve and good contrast. And the colors on it will be beautiful. It's a big 32-in and I'm gonna be up close and personal with it the entire time I'm so excited oh my fucking god broski I don't know how to convey the level of excitement I feel. Plus I got it 50% off????? I'm literally God. Someone worship me.

3. New cables. This is slightly less exciting but also really important. I'm going to be using my TV screen as a third monitor and by god I will cry tears of productive joy. Plus, another cable for my headphones so I stop needing to adjust the angle like I'm in 6th grade and my earbuds broke. And!!! Another cable to connect to the new monitor to increase the frame rate by bypassing the iGPU. I love this for me my glow up is insane

4. New keycaps and switches. I just really like keyboard man. Included in this category is a switch tester to test switches (duh) to see which one i like the best, which is sexy. Sexy people have custom keyboards. This is a joke but if someone I was interested in also built their own keyboard I'd actually marry them. The keycaps I bought look really nice with am older font for the symbols and a nice black-ish/brown color scheme. Overall, an upgrade, me thinks :) Plus, I can use the old parts of my keyboard for a new keyboard for family computer/Gavin's keyboard :))))

5. I got Gavin a gaming headset. He literally only wants it because he wants to scream in the microphone, but he also wanted it to sound good lmao. It feels nice to have bought him something.

6. I'm gonna get a new laptop after talking to the bank to get money out of my account on Tuesday. My dad has been procrastinating getting the money transfered and I'm tired of it. It's been 3 weeks.

It's the best laptop on the market for my needs at the moment. I'll be able to edit videos how I want and make music how I want and I'll feel confident enough to make 3d games !!!!!!!!!!! Plus, I'll be able to play games I couldn't before because now I'll have a graphics card :)))))))))

7. Wow I've spent a lot of money, but also after this I'm literally never spending money on stuff like this for at least 3 years, which means I'll have a bunch of money to spend doing shit with my friends !!!!

8. Finally, fuck you to the people who made my last 3 months at collegg hell. I hope someday you understand how wrong you fucking are, and i hope someday you understand the unnecessary pain and suffering you've caused me. Almost every night I think about how I was just drunkenly used by her, and how I just let everything happen. I never want to go through that again. You give me more reason to grind my passions and find what makes me happy, so I never have to go through people like you ever again. Thanks. Fuck you.

9. Hi broski!!!! Just letting you know that I appreciate you immensely!!! The fact that you read these sometimes makes me feel heard, while also not annoying :]]] This really does help me go to sleep when I can't get my brain to turn off, so thank you ^^ Anyways, good night!!!!

[orphean-journal]

Smoke

I'm not in love with her. Not even infatuated. I only miss her.

She was beautiful and didn't mind that I'm fucking dumb, or maybe she just didn't notice. Either is alright. She had bleach blonde hair, wore chains around her waist, and smoked while I sang forest god songs. Her kiss was kind and considerate; I could taste her cigarette then, and I can almost taste it now, but I'm losing it.

I don't believe there was anything there other than mutual appreciation and trust. She said she was glad to know me, and she had made my night twice then. I wasn't sure where I stood with anyone, but that made me feel safe, secure.

She's gone to me now. It's all gone to me now. One pull was all it took to get addicted to her, but now all I can do is chase her smoke.

[orphean-journal]

Trust

I don't think I realized the importance of trust until very recently, and I definitely didn't realize how easily trusting I am.

I don't think it's my fault that I trust easily. I wasn't afforded the same luxury growing up. I don't remember specifics, but there is a deep fear and hatred of being labeled as untrustworthy. Being unjustly labeled a liar is the only thing that actually makes me angry. Of course, games are games, but to do so in real life is far beyond forgiveness.

I have no idea what I did to wrong this person, if I even did. Maybe there are outside forces twisting the narrative. I know for a fact that while I have done something morally grey, she did something explicitly wrong, and I am the one being outcasted.

It's been three months since then, and I've stopped blaming myself for what happened. It's not my fault that she touched me so I shouldn't be blamed for reciprocating out of social expectation and fear. I may have acclimated to it as time went on, but to then say I assaulted her is bullshit. Outside of the context, what she did could even be labeled physical assault so I shouldn't look at myself as if I'm some horrible monster who crossed someone else's boundaries. She crossed into mine and I was much more drunk than she was. Grabbing ass is not the same fucking thing as being pinned to the wall and choked. Fuck this.

I desperately want to make more friends on campus, but I'm so paranoid of people judging me for this story that she's bound to tell. On top of that, I'm afraid I'm paranoid of romantic/sexual interest in general. I still fall for people, but whatever barriers I put up around myself are now reinforced. I would like something casual, but the fear that this person will screw me over for hurting them is stronger than ever. I almost had that with Imani. She spread bullshit about me, but thankfully most people knew me and trusted me. Now, however, everything has become real.

I just want to fuck around with friends. I want to do dumb shit and live. I think I'm destined and doomed to rot in this lifelong purgatory.

Christ I didn't mean to spill this much but here we are I guess fckts

[orphean-journal]

Game design?

I'm realizing that I'm tired of super organized UI design in video games. The kind that kinda uses Gamer Game Sense (tm) to guide you to how the game works. I find that the less the UI "talks" to you, the more connected I feel towards the game.

I know that it makes sense from an accessibility standpoint to make information immediately clear and available to players, and I agree that a cluttered UI is just as bad, only making things more convoluted and difficult (not to mention uglee), I just don't want the game to guide me to the best possible answer.

Now that I think about it, I want to be able to lose. (I had more to say on this, but I'd like to develop the thought more)

I think this is similar to the concept of "Show, don't tell" in the sense that the game should present me with options but not tell me their consequences. I can infer what they are, and the game should make them logically follow, but I don't want to know everything that will happen.

I don't want the consequences too obvious either. It shouldn't be "Should I commit a war crime or should I eat spaghetti?" I absolutely despise the illusion of choice. The veil is so thin that it's basically transparent.

I wanted to say more, but I'm out of juice. Need more juice.

[orphean-journal]

I'm overthinking the past

Again

I have a fucking exam in two hours and I haven't slept and all I want is to go back to when I actually felt loved

I rationally know that it wasn't all rainbows. There's definitely shit I probably don't remember and/or forget the severity of, but I honestly would do almost anything to just feel loved by someone again

The trauma just keeps adding up, love (said britishly)

My insomnia has flared up at the worst time possible I hate it here fuck this

I just want to be happy again

Why can't I just be happy

(5 minutes have passed while I write this)

Okay maybe I can nap before my final (1 of 2 today lmao)

I hate it here :))))))))))))))))