What must it be like to be trying to comfort an unsure Lavellan, as Solas?
You adore this woman on a level you’ve never experienced. It scares you how much you want her. And yet you’re constantly wrestling between your duty to the world and her.
Something happens to her. Perhaps she’s wounded or she becomes ill, but regardless, you’re the last person to find out. And it deeply troubles you. You’ve been affectionate with one another before, you’ve told her you love, you’ve kissed! And no one thought to tell you? You might’ve helped her!
She looks properly chastised when you enter her room and find her pale and sweating a fever in her bed. “Vhenan, why did you not summon me? I have healing magic; let me help.” You kiss her hands and settle to begin working on her, whatever you were researching forgotten.
“I didn’t want to bother you. You were focused on your research… it’s nothing.”
That hurts you to hear, deep in your chest. Does she think she means so little? Does she not understand how vitally important she is to you? “Vhenan, do you think I care so litt-“ But then you freeze, hearing the words that came to your mouth.
“Do you think I care so little?” But… you do. You do care so little. Obviously. Because regardless of how in love with her you are, you are planning to destroy her world. And her with it. You’re planning on erasing her.
Whatever she sees in your face, Lavellan has the nerve to look concerned for you. Worried. She touches your face. Calls your name, asks what’s wrong.
You feel like you could vomit. She loves you. She loves you. And you are betraying her. Right now. You don’t deserve this. You’re a monster. You’re disgusting. Using her this way. Letting her love you while you draw your blade, aiming for her back.
Somehow you find yourself weeping and being held. You clutch the soft body in your arms, ignoring the fever and the scent of illness about her. You want to scream how sorry you are and how awful you are, how she shouldn’t touch you. But she holds you so tightly and murmurs soft words of comfort into your ear. You know you’ll have to discard her. The day will come. But you can’t right now. To do so will break you into pieces and you’ll be good for nothing.
So you cling to one another and you let her think that your tears are fear of losing her. And it’s not really a lie. You don’t want to. But you must.
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