4.An idea for self improvement & some associated thoughts to consider
I’ve taken a bit of time while you were away in for a weekend to reflect about some intimate ideas to spark fun together, other recent conversations and some broader topics. I miss you very much when I have to travel & often think about you even when days are crazy busy and am finding that miss you just as much when you are the one who is away.
I also think as I reflect that I have a tendency to be a bit lazy. This can lead me to not do as much or as well as I should at some things and that puts additional pressure on you which is not fair. Self improvement is hard but I have given it a lot of thought and truly want to work on some of my flaws. I could really use your help and support.
Some of my (a bit outside the box) thought process for how to break the cycle, change and get better at stuff involves linking personal improvement goals to a topic we have talked about a few times in the past that can be an awkward conversation around some different desires in the bedroom. I think that can have more of a linkage/opportunity to me trying to be motivated to embrace change in a sustainable way and get better at things than is evident at first and would ask if you might read and consider.
I wrote down some thoughts relating specifically to sexual related topics after we last discussed in August and a few ideas of how could try some of the things that I would like to without you having to go too far outside your comfort zone. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable but at the same time it would make me happy to explore and try some new things in that area with you. This may be a bit outside that comfort zone to read and consider, and it wasn’t easy for me to put down and share my thoughts as I find uncomfortable to open up and articulate well on this topic. Am hoping that while everything that I might have some curiosity about trying might not be things you would consider doesn’t mean there isn’t anything where we might.
You had recently commented when I did bring up trying to do more around the house comparing your job and my job and gave the example of how would I feel if you came in and did mine. While that does makes sense as I think more on it there are some additional parallels that might apply in that comparison. Your job is running the house. You do it very well and it is not an easy job. You set very high standards and hold yourself to them. You are a rock star!
At the same time I’ve had to learn as have moved up to jobs with wider responsibilities it is critical to delegate and “develop people” as can’t and shouldn’t do it all your self even if ultimately “own” and accountable for the results. Creates stress and harder to accomplish what you might consider the most important things. I’d like to try applying the same thought process to your job and find those things where it makes more sense for you to be the “manager” and not the “doer”. I know from my work experience that doing this can be frustrating at first as someone who doesn’t do all the time won’t do as well as you who is an expert but pays off and makes a stronger team in long run. Your job definitely has very wide responsibilities.
As I reflect I see too many times that I might take the lazier or easier path without really consciously thinking about it. This has led to you finding it easier for some things to do it all yourself so know it will get done right and to your satisfaction. That is not fair to you. It also is not good for me as I suck at motivating myself to do things that are to my benefit such as exercising regularly or eating better. For example not doing the bike the Saturday you were away. I also can procrastinate and not get things done that should take initiative to do faster, sooner and better. I can some times get frustrated with myself, with when things don’t go easy, or the way I think they should and it is never fair to take that out on you but I fear that sometimes I do.
Like a lot of guys I also generally suck at expressing my feelings and trying to put into words how I feel and struggling to do so can leave me more frustrated. Thus this attempt in trying to break out of prior patterns of putting down how I feel on paper. I need some help with this and would like to ask you to help me get better. It isn’t easy to change self (which is a bit ironic as my job has a lot to do with helping others change) but I really do want to try to do a few things differently, consciously improve my actions and be motivated to make some sustainable changes so I can be my best me.
I would like to ask for your help in setting some new and higher expectations for myself in some of these areas. I want to set up a way to motivate myself and drive accountability. Know won’t be easy to break long standing patterns so the way I’d propose approaching it is to tie the changes into a “game” and by leveraging things we haven’t tried that the thought of excites me to reinforce the changes and help get over the hump to make positive changes stick. In professional world gamification is a growing topic for better learning outcomes. I know this asks a lot of you and hope that might be willing to give it a try. It is quite a bit to consider and digest. When I started typing had a lot more thoughts pour out than I anticipated.
You tend to like to take charge and be in control of situations in many areas in life. That is something I love about you and have always found very attractive. You also set very high standards for your self and you tend not to often take the easy road. You tend to be someone who solves problems, can be relied on by friends and takes the lead to get things done. I do this in some areas but you do a lot extra as outside the areas I’m good at haven’t always put in the right effort to meet the standard you would find acceptable.
One place we really have not applied this you taking charge aspect is in the bedroom and related “sexy time” topics. I know we don’t have quite the same things that make us curious to try but I would propose you taking charge more in that area but in such a way as to bring outside the bedroom and combine a bit of that desire and turn on for me with some very non sexy topics and goals.
If I think about some of the sexual topics that excite and interest me a lot of them come back to long term desire to try submissive type play. While there are a wide range of topics and interests that fall under that topic of varying extremes some are quite simple. For example I find it a huge turn on when you let me kiss your feet.
I also have a long time desire to try sexy teasing which is a pretty broad topic. The thoughts I wrote down last summer go in greater detail on some ideas/options I thought of that might ask you to consider us trying.
Where I think I am missing an opportunity to bring together some of the things I’d like to try with what you might be comfortable with is that I have thought of this topic much too narrowly. I’ve been doing some reading on websites, memes etc a bit and there is a concept of a “female led relationship” or FLR that seems to be getting more popular. One of the interesting things about this is that whether as just a fun adult game for most people, a way to add excitement to the every day or as a lifestyle approach for some it incorporates things both sexual and very mundane and day to day. There is typically more of the mundane aspects that creates some motivation by privately bringing some sexual tension and interest outside of the bedroom.
One of the cool things about this FLR concept is that the woman is truly and totally in charge for the areas/topics etc that agree up front are in scope. That means that if we were to try it you are in control and helps ensure your comfort level as the one choosing what is allowed and when.
Where the FLR concept excites me it seems a bit hypocritical of me not to be trying to make your life easier and proactively help more with day to day chores etc. I.E. if I find the concept of you being in charge such a turn on I should stop being lazy and proactively take things off your plate like taking out the trash and scooping the litter as ways I can “serve” you better. It’s kind of interesting to think of from that perspective and a bit of an “ah ha” for me on how want to be.
The outside the bedroom aspect is a big part of this type of play. It can be totally transparent to others but a continuous reminder and motivator for the man to focus on pleasing and meeting the needs of his spouse and prioritizing her. Often this includes the use of a male chastity device as a constant private reminder that she is in charge and of the need to please her with actions in day to day. Creates sexy consequences I.e. hard to ignore motivation. A bit of teasing here and there keeps up that motivation level thus driving change.
In most FLR more time and attention might be focused on the non sexual improvement and expectations. You set the frequency and are the decider on the sexual side and are under no more obligation than today to do anything in that space. I might suggest but you are the decider and totally in control. You have more of the psychology background than I but have read this creates lot of motivation for the man with some degree of “teasing”. The use of the chastity device puts control (and the keys) firmly in her hands and the attention and focus on her pleasure at the frequency and in ways she decides. When the man is locked his release or even getting hard is totally up to her. Hard to get much more of a motivator than that for most guys.
If we were to try this would ask that you be tough on me and hold me to the same high standards you aim for your self for goals chores etc during the game. If I do something and it doesn’t meet or exceed your expectations be firm and have me do it again until I get it right. Asking you to coach and correct rather than have to do it all yourself. You decide what of course as the “manager” of the house so only are delegating what you want to/ comfortable with, or where I take initiative to try to help in areas haven’t told not to do. If decide to try this can always remind me that I asked for this, asked for you to be strict and demanding on goals, chores and day to day with the sexual part in background as motivator. If I get frustrated would be “in game” consequences as carrot and stick to reinforce that motivation.
Be picky and help me not be lazy. I’d even suggest over assigning and expecting the extra mile. If that means I’m heading back downstairs at bedtime to rewash all of the kitchen counters because you saw one crumb, or scrubbing every inch of the toilet with a toothbrush because missed a spot the first time so be it. If I am supposed to ride the bike and miss a morning have me do double that night as my “personal trainer” of a sort, or have me do a 21 day fix with you “supervising” while reading a book relaxing in the guest room and so on. To really break the cycle and prevent from backsliding into taking any short cuts would err on the side of being a bit extreme in direction and demanding especially at first.
Please tell/order don’t ask when giving direction. Part of what is exciting and a turn on of using this type of thinking to motivate in the day to day is definitely the idea of a strong confident powerful woman in charge. You are a very strong woman and if we were to really give this a try want you to feel confident in power during the game and that I have asked for you to unleash that confidence and take charge. As simple a thing as when we are alone at night ordering me to rub your feet or get you a glass of wine instead of asking me “if I can” reinforces the exciting teasing aspect for me. It’s just the way my brain is wired I think.
So I get very excited by concept of woman in charge and have been curious for years to try a tease/denial/chastity experience.
Let’s combine the two and try a “game” that brings some motivation to help me break some day to day bad habits and out of old patterns.
The game: Decide on a time period that we will test out a version of a female led relationship game along with a chastity tease and denial component. Maybe try for a weekend or a week then evaluate whether to continue longer?/ play again?
Would want to purchase a Holy Trainer male chastity device to try out and use for this game as have researched a bit and looked like best option for purpose.
Proposed Rules of the game: (version of option 4 or 5 from suggestions)
-For the duration of the game there will be an assumption that you are 100% right 100% of the time and I will act accordingly.
-I am expected to follow your direction and guidance. I might make suggestions where you permit it but you make the final decisions.
-We can set a few specific goals (such as exercise) but expectation is that I should be taking initiative to actively seek out ways to make your life easier and do more as shouldn’t be making a bunch of extra work for you by trying this so keep simple.
-If I fail at a goal there should be appropriate consequences in the game such as extending number of days locked in chastity device or other punitive measures such as a “adult time out” kneeling somewhere out of the way while you go watch tv etc.
-As part of the idea is female led you have the right to unilaterally alter, add or change the rules at any time.
-You also have ultimate decision rights on any disagreements that might arise relating to the game and your word is final.
If we decide to give this a real try and find you don’t like it at least we will have tried and know for sure. I’d ask that you consider and perhaps we can discuss?
As challenging an experience as this sounds I think it would make me happy to be able to try it with you.
Below are a few memes I’ve come across online that I think further illustrate the topic. I’ve also downloaded a few related articles with supplemental background information to my opinions & thoughts.
