Otter's FUcancer Page

My journey navigating colon cancer

[otter1962]

The Next Steps: Post Cancer

It’s been a while since I last posted to my blog. It is hard to believe that I found out I had colon cancer on May 13, 2019, and had surgery on May 23, 2019.

I had barely started to deal with my partner at the time leaving me for the stupidest reasons and suddenly my life was thrown into chaos with this cancer business.

I know that I have already discussed the chemotherapy that I went through and how I adjusted and survived it.

Coming out of my chemotherapy and immediately faced with COVID was really hard. It was a time when I discovered that I had neither dealt with the loss of my partner nor that I had had cancer. I felt like I was a blank slate and that somehow I had shed any sense of normalcy. I was going through the motions of teaching (granted it was online for March - June 2020) and wondering if I would ever get my spirit back. I know that I have discussed how I searched for meaning and finally opted to work on my energetic energy. 

For most of the remaining months, I joined an online coaching group for energetic attraction. There, I learned about not being an over-the-top caregiver for everyone else and began taking care of myself first. I met a ton of amazing friends online and many of them are still my friends. During that time, I also let go of wanting my local friends to support me through cancer. I looked inside and found the strength to do it on my own - but had the courage to turn to several online friends who became my support network. They helped me let go of my disappointment with my local friends and allowed me to get close to my new best friends.

2020 and 2021 were the years of the COVID pandemic for me. I was in and out of the classroom, I spent the summer of 2020 by myself in my house in a small Nova Scotia town. I learned to follow my passions of gardening, cooking, weightlifting and my writing. They became the “Me Years.” I used that time to get to know myself and set my goals of where I wanted to go. It was a time when I focussed less on cancer and more on living my life the way I wanted to.

For the past two years after stopping my chemotherapy, I’ve made trips to the clinic for testing my cancer markers. I’ve had a yearly colonoscopy. Everything is still okay and I am in remission.

Since my last blog entry, I have lost several friends and acquaintances to cancer. I’ve also supported friends who are now going through cancer treatment. Cancer still makes an appearance in my life and it reminds me that I have to be diligent in my own recovery.

COVID was a time when I often couldn’t get to the gym to work out. It was also the time for Netflix and sitting on a couch, eating tons of snacks.  I continued to eat like I was exercising at the gym. There was seldom a time when I turned on the TV that I didn’t start craving snacks - usually sugar-laden things or salty treats. 

One day, I looked at myself in the mirror and realized that I had a COVID belly. I knew that I had to make a change. The gym opened up and I began a series of cardio days, often 2-3 times per week. I was weight-lifting as much as I could because I tore my right pectoral muscle. It departed from my ribcage and now bounces to the right in a bizarre manner. I began to feel like my cancer was just the precursor to more injuries or problems with my body.

Thankfully, I was able to pull myself out of potential depression because I had spent so much time working on the real me. I’ve tried to be as proactive about my healing as possible. A year after tearing my pectoral muscle, I am still waiting on an MRI to determine the damage and what can be done about it. I’ve had to face that I’ve lost a lot of bulk on my chest as well.

I began to reflect on all these changes to my body and then the thoughts of how I was aging became forefront in my mind. I no longer felt like I was in the “zone” which was the place where I felt good about my body. This leads me to where I am at the moment: almost 60, with several injuries affecting me, a feeling that old age is catching up and that I am becoming invisible in the gay world because of my age.

So where will I go next? I am embarking on a new outlook on what my life will look like as I head toward retirement, ticking things off my bucket list and trying to finally enter the dating pool at the age of 59. I need to reflect on my health, my body, my spirit and how I can make the most of my remaining years on this planet. 

As I close off this blog for now (who’s to say that I won’t post again) I want to mention my other blog about energetic attraction which can be found at: https://otterenergy1962.tumblr.com/. That blog has sat without an entry for a while. It does give me a sense of what I did during that self-discovery time during COVID as I search for the inner me.

Now, I am starting a new blog about dealing with my age, my health, my goals and above all, my passions. Please check it out at: https://www.tumblr.com/blog/otter1962crystalball 

Carpe diem my friends!

[otter1962]

What’s the next step?

My cancer voyage has been an interesting one. I’ve struggled with a lot of demons and come out the other side stronger and have continued to grow. I am now into my 10th month of having finished my chemotherapy. I am in remission and happy for it! I’ve decided to continue to fight and become an even better person by banishing a few more demons! Join me on my other blog called, “Otter’s Energy Blog” It’s link is below!

https://otterenergy1962.tumblr.com/ 

[otter1962]

Remission or not?

I went for my cancer marker test last week. It took over a week to get the results and I am happy to say that I am still in remission!

Carpe diem!

[otter1962]

One year later after my diagnosis...

It is one year since I discovered that I had cancer. This past year has been a whirlwind of events. The shock of having it and being alone to deal with it was hard. I felt like life was trying erase me from existing. It was as if I was being told that it was my time to go and that I should give up and accept my own death.

Through the discovery of my tumour, I have done a lot of self evaluation. I have come to see and understand how and when dysfunctional people come into my life. I can now allow them to go their own way without putting blame on myself for their issues. 

During my recovery time, I met a lot of wonderful people who helped me when they could. Having these friends support me during my chemo was an amazing experience. I believe that this event paved the way for me to make some major changes in my life.

In this past year, I have learned about self worth, self love and self dedication. I have learned that self love is not selfish but beneficial to my own being and to the relationships that I have with others. If I love myself, then I am open to being loved by others and that these people are not like the ones I attracted in the past. These new friends can see my worth and let me know that they do indeed see something in me that maybe I had not considered in the past.  I am worth getting to know, to love and be who I am without judgement.

There is no doubt that I had tough times with my chemo. On several occasions, I really wanted to give up, but didn’t. There were friends there to support me, to listen to my pain, to empathize with my suffering and just accept me. This concept seemed foreign to me and I began to see that a new form of healing had to take place.

In my healing, I have learned to laugh and have fun. Secondly, I can now take care of myself without worry that I am not giving enough to others. I have learned that being a caregiver has limits and that I shouldn’t give more to others than I have to give to myself. Doing all of this has also allowed me to let go of the past and look to today as I truly say my mantra of “carpe diem.” Seize the day and be the most authentic me that I can and relish in this.

This week, I went to have my bloodwork done for my cancer markers. As I write this, I am waiting for the results to see if I am still in remission. It is true that I have some worry, but regardless of the outcome, I will continue to be me. I will still love myself and my friends. I will be me and be comfortable with that.

[otter1962]

I did it!

Today was the day that I presented my idea for a cancer fundraiser to the school. It went extremely well! 

I told my story about my battle with cancer. I described how I wanted to contribute to our school through my fundraiser idea.  The response was amazing! I’ve already got a pile of audition requests and students who want to volunteer as stage hands. There is no doubt now that my dream will come true! 

My Principal has been an outstanding advocate for me. When he introduced me to the school with my proposal, I was brought to tears because of his unconditional support for what I wanted to do! He is someone who believes in me! It turns out that I believe in me too! This is going to happen.

I felt like a new person, standing up in front of those students. I was nervous, but I felt good about what I was doing.

So far, I have received audition requests for solo singers, dancers, pianists, choir singers and a multitude of helpers for stage and sales. Now comes the hard part: planning, prepping, practicing and praying!

I will keep you posted. Carpe diem!

[otter1962]

Being free to look into the chasm

I’ve been away from my blog for a while.  I am now officially cancer free. It is certainly a reason to celebrate. However, up until now, I have not.  Friends have even questioned why I wasn’t jumping for joy. It took a while to sink in and with it came a few side effects that I didn’t anticipate.  

When I went to see my cancer doctor, a friend came with me for support.  I had already heard the news via my cancer nurse the week before.  During that time, I did not jump for joy or celebrate.  I felt numb and unresponsive.  When I talked to the doctor, he said that being in this new kind of depression is normal for people after cancer treatments. What did help was my friend (and myself) understanding my reaction after hearing the news.

For most of January, I continued to suffer some of the side effects. There was still brain fog from time to time, depression, sore feet and hands; and fatigue.  The cancer doctor told me to expect these side effects until sometime in February.  At the time of writing this blog, I don’t suffer from any side effects except sore hands and feet.  My hands still look like I am 100+ years old; they are wrinkled and still sensitive to cold.  I am treating them with a special cream that helps moisturize and has helped get rid of the wide and painful cracks that I had on my heels.  My hands still look wrinkled, but are no longer sore like before.

What has lingered is the feeling of looking into a chasm. I’ve come to realize that the chemo may have been a safety net for me.  I felt okay taking the chemo because I kept telling myself that it was for the good of my body - even though it was hard to take sometimes. Once the chemo was gone, so was my safety net and worry set in. I worried about the cancer coming back. I worried about the reoccurring side effects and the onset of depression. I felt empty and so I turned away from most of my friends and became a bit of a hermit. I’ve actually gone out of my way to not communicate with many friends and actually said goodbye to two.  They didn’t understand where my head was at. All they could see was me telling them that I felt let down by my local friends.  They claimed that because I felt betrayed that I didn’t care about them.  They assumed that I didn’t appreciate what they did do.  In fact, I did. After a very passive aggressive final message from one of the two men, I showed the message to my counsellor. I was told that someone who has a masters in psychology should be ashamed of themselves for responding that way with someone struggling with depression brought on by cancer treatments. I saw the message as a reason to move on and not to try to feel like it was totally my fault.  Some of it was. I had been pushing a lot of people away as I reacted to this situation brought on during the Christmas holidays.  I’ve come to understand that my depression made me feel abandoned.  Most of my local friends didn’t respond for whatever reason - not out of malice, but of being unaware of what I needed to express and feel. To this day, none of them really understand what I went through and how they could have helped if they had known. I felt abandoned because I felt a lot of them didn’t even try. 

Now, I have come to realize that my healing involves seeing a counsellor and doing workshops on self esteem and body image. I’ll be starting a new blog about that in the coming days. I need to work on not substituting another problem to replace the cancer worry.  I’ve been worried about finances and that seemed to replace the chemo. I replaced one world on Atlas for another. What was good about realizing this was that I could make amends and use tools that I have learned from my counselling to let go of my worry and manage it.  As a result, I have been feeling better about everything and have been taking it all in stride.  I am doing these workshops for myself and I’ve even gone so far as to meet some new people that I may very well call friends in the near future.

So maybe I wasn’t jumping for joy... maybe I was preparing myself for the long haul of healing myself above and beyond the cancer: to feel whole again after so many years of fighting bad situations that were sometimes out of my control or ability to handle. I’m trying very hard to pull my eyes out of the chasm and back into reality and start living for the sake of living. There will be bumps in the road, but I think that I shall be able to handle them.

Carpe diem. I continue to survive and I continue to move forward.

[otter1962]

Next steps?

This blog will determine not only just how many people really read my blog, but how many care to understand and let me know... This may seem unfair for me to say, but I feel it is time for me to move on in many ways...

I just finished my last round of chemo pills on Friday, January 3, just as I arrived home from my holiday. You might be thinking that this is a reason to celebrate. I agree to a certain extent. However, there is this empty void-like feeling now that I am done taking pills.  I have to wait until the 28th of January to see my results from a CT scan and bloodwork. It’s a bit of a stretch to wait to see if I am in remission.

I got one bad cold during my whole time taking the chemo pills. I got it on a flight to the States and am still working through it, along with slicing my thumb on a vegetable slicer.  I had to get my finger checked out as it wouldn’t stop bleeding. I was concerned that the chemo may be the cause.  Anyway, the fingers are healing and I’ll have them checked out this week.

Tomorrow I go back to school. I was hoping that I would go in feeling rested and relaxed. Unfortunately, I won’t. I still have the cold and the chemo pills are still giving me side effects. I’ll just take it one day at a time. I hope to be back at the gym and also get into a routine that will help me get through these next few weeks until my appointment.

So, this is where it gets a little messy. You may think that I have it all under control, but in reality, I’m far from being there. My Cancer Nurse gave me a booklet about post treatment, which I read from cover to cover. It talks about the physical, spiritual and emotional effects of post treatment. My body is slowly working through the chemo situation. My emotional and spiritual parts of me are not.  I’m down right struggling and I’m not very proud, but ashamed for feeling the way that I do right now.

Post vacation blues? Yes, a little. I had a great time with a friend in Washington, who helped me out of a vacation mess (see previous blog about indifference). He was a wonderful host and managed to bring my spirits up after having them crushed in Palm Springs...

What is really bothering me? My post treatment book states the psychological distress very clearly: trouble sleeping,  memory and concentration problems, mood swings, emotional distress, fear of cancer returning, anxiety and depression. I can truly say that I suffer from everything listed, with the exception of sleep. I sometimes have problems sleeping, but not severe.

You may be saying that I should seek some guidance.  I shall do so. I have excellent coverage from work for my employee assistance program. I don’t feel ashamed of saying that I’ll be seeking professional help. I’ve held myself up for the entire process from tumour removal to end of chemo. I’ve had five very supportive friends who took the time to come to me from various places. They are true friends that stood by me. I am going to treasure those friendships and not let them go. There are others that may need that I move on....

I have to say that there are a few friendships that I will probably let go. These are friends that know that I have been struggling for over a half year now and have done little to acknowledge or even contact me - some of them living less than an hour away.  I find it hard to believe that five distant friends would hop on a plane or drive to me in order to be supportive, yet locally, I have yet to hear from one local friend that they would seek me out and be there for me.  Now, don’t get me wrong; I’ve got some local friends who check in regularly on a text...That’s very kind. I’ve also had friends tell me to call them if I need something, which I did, only to find they didn’t have the time. Some said to come and stay with them, forgetting that I have a dog that needs me. 

I guess what I find most stressful is that it is me that must contact others in order to solicit help. It’s never been, “Hello Grant, I thought I’d check in and see how you’re doing. Oh, you really need help, I’ll be there asap.” Instead, it’s just the “call me if you need me” situation.

So listen up; I need help!  I need people around me.  I need a shoulder.  I need an ear.  I need companionship. I need encouragement. I need extra support right now! If you have read all the way to the end of this blog, let me know you’ve heard me via FaceBook. If you live within 60 km of me, let me know that you are there for me... no “call me if you need me” type messages. Here’s a kicker: I got a message from a man whom I never met who offered to come and be with me as he just moved here.  I’ll probably take him up on his offer.  I could use more friends like that!

2020 is a new year. Maybe it’s time I moved on and let go of a few things and people...

[otter1962]

Indifference

noun: lack of interest, concern, or sympathy.

Indifference is everywhere. It’s alive and well. So, who cares? I do.

I’ve experienced it quite a bit lately and it makes me wonder from where it comes?  Why do people become indifferent? It’s simple: apathy which is a lack of interest, enthusiasm, or concern. How do people get that way? The answer, I believe, is from the actual definition of the word: lack of concern about emotional, social, spiritual, philosophical, or physical life and the world.

So, here is just one of indifferences that I have experienced lately in relation to my cancer and to my life...

I had been dwelling on the fact that I would be alone for the Christmas break. I’d been blessed with a whole two weeks off work, which was a double-edged sword. That was a lot of time to spend alone or a lot of time off to relax and enjoy the company of someone to reduce the loneliness that has been troubling me for a while. So when a friend said he wanted to spend some time to get to know me better because he had a crush on me, I jumped at the chance. I had no illusions of an older man like me spending time with a young, attractive man. It was an opportunity to be close to another human being and just let myself go. After all, he was celebrating that his sobriety was progressing well, having left the drugs, alcohol and all the things that come with that behind. He suggested that the time together would be a time of healing or us both. How could I turn that down?  Here was a chance to help someone else and be in a symbiotic situation that was a benefit to us both.

So, after a very expensive flight to his little mecca, I arrived with enthusiasm because I had decided that I was going to let my hair down and have some fun. I get there and a day later, the guy tells me, that we can’t hang out because he had started to see someone.  It took him a day to tell me and said that he thought it was best to tell me to my face.  Joy! I suggested that it might have been better to tell me ahead of time so that I could divert myself and find an alternate event to in which to take part.

His indifference was hidden inside his need to self heal. His logic was that he was doing what was right for him and that I should understand and be perfectly comfortable staying with him for ten days as he galavanted around with his new boyfriend. Sure! Why not? Bloody hell! No way!

His lack of concern for my emotional, spiritual or physical state was very apparent. He had done what was right and told me to my face. When I questioned that, he became very angry and stated that it was my issue, not his. I realized that there was nothing to be gained by arguing my point of view.  His point of view trumped mine in his mind. What would be gained by telling him mine? 

So, here’s an introvert staying in a city that he doesn’t know well and wondering what he was going to do with himself for ten days? Staying in an overpriced motel in this mecca seemed to be the only solution.

Here’s where the indifference took a back seat: when I told a close friend on the other side of the pond what had happened. Instantly, the solution to my problem would be solved by looking for someone or something that wasn’t indifferent to my anxiety about my cancer, being alone in a strange and very expensive city and being unsure of what to do. It was suggested to divert my flight, take an extra one via Phoenix to Washington, DC, where someone who wasn’t indifferent could spend some time with me in what ever form that would take! My friend from over the pond and my new friend in DC showed the opposite to the lost soul in his little western mecca. They were both concerned about an introverted and shy man who was taking chemo pills while on vacation, in major shock, and above all, how the anxiety would affect his health. 

My friend in Washington and I had been working towards an opportunity to meet and get to know each other anyway. So, it all seemed like a great idea. So, guess what? It was! I left all the indifference behind in that useless mecca on the other side of the USA and went to the nation’s capital. Here I am, no longer being with indifference and enjoying myself with someone who truly cares about my well being.

So, it is here where I take my stand against indifference and bring in a new year that will see all the apathy and indifference that I experienced in 2019 left behind.

Carpe diem.  Happy New Year to everyone - including all the indifferent people in the world.

[otter1962]

For F***ck’s Sake!

I’m asking it bluntly, WTF?  Is there enough good in my life to outweigh the bad? At lot of people have said that they don’t know how I do it with all that is going on in my life and to me.... All I can say sometimes it is by the skin of my teeth. There are times like now, that can make or break my resolve...

This is a blog about contrasts - in fact it is about me trying to figure out what I need to do to keep going?

I just finished my most difficult round of chemo yet.  Round seven was the hardest and there’s one more to come.  I had massive headaches, body aches, fatigue, sore feet and hands, and depression.  I reached out to people and a few people from far away responded. No one close to me offered to just sit and be with me or call me to check in.  I had to hint and then to no avail.  No one offered, so I gave up.  So bad: side effects and isolation.  Good: I got through it on my own (with a little help from a guardian angel currently residing in Copenhagen...)

Today is a major rain storm with wind.  Otter Cottage is again assailed by horizontal rain.  I had someone fix my roof in hopes of preventing further leaking.  Guess what? Otter Cottage is again leaking - worse than before! Bad: Leaking house with no one in sight to help. I can’t find a bloody contractor willing to help me.  Good: I still have a house to come home to.

I feel F***cking lonely!  Tonight, I am to go to a Christmas dinner/get together.  Bad: I’ll probably sit in the corner because I’m shy and people think that I’m stuck up. Good: I guess I am still a good person, even if no one else notices.

Relationships are the next issue.  I’ve attracted several suitors since my break up with Mr. Las Vegas and his narcissistic “Let’s dump Grant because I think he’s trash because he wants to keep his gay friends who might like to sleep with him.” Bad: Narcissistic relationship to someone I loved a lot. Good: Three really nice encounters, but with no potential relationship. Two really bad encounters with self absorbed idiots that make it my fault that I don’t act the way that they want me to.  Good: Better to learn now than later. All I have to endure is the loneliness. 

Things to keep me occupied is another thing to address.  Living in a rural setting has its advantages and disadvantages. When I needed to get out and do things, Vancouver was the better place.  I don’t live there anymore.  It’s gone.  I live in a little town and on weekends I sit alone because everyone around me is too busy with their lives to pay attention to a depressed, lonely old fart living with cancer and chemo. I have a birthday coming on December 20 - next Friday.  People know that is my birthday but I will be it spending alone. Why? I won’t say to someone, “It’s my birthday, want to do something with me?” I’m introvert afraid to impose on others.  

As you are reading this, don’t feel sorry for me. SAY SOMETHING FOR GOD’S SAKE - GIVE ME A NOTION THAT THERE IS SOMEONE OUT THERE WHO NOTICES!

[otter1962]

I did it! Social Cues #8

Last Thursday, I gave my presentation about my cancer fundraiser to the staff of my school.  I was nervous as hell and at first wanted to back out. If you’ve read some of my social cues blog entries, you’ll understand why.

I used my nerves as an energy source.  I was able to capture the essence of what I wanted to do.  My Principal said that I had them when I told them I had a title about how our school cares and how it was for cancer research fundraiser.

I got so much positive feedback and support. For the first time in four years at my school, I had the opportunity to put forth an idea and know that I am supported.  It will go ahead!

I now have a massive list of things to do such as: setting dates, renting equipment, preparing a list of songs and creating a program.  There is so much to do and I love it!  I think that the whole thing can be organized in way that will make it look very professional and showcase the students’ and staff’s talent.

At the end, the Principal asked me if I would present the idea to the students at a December awards ceremony.  My answer was, of course, yes!

Now the hard work begins! i’ll keep you posted and blog the whole process.

I can just hear, “I’m Coming Out” by Diana Ross... I’m coming out.... of my shell and doing something....with style! 

Carpe diem.

[otter1962]

Allowing for mistakes

In my last blog, I mentioned that I was on my seventh round of chemo. It seems that I miscounted and had just finished round six. So, that means that I have two more rounds to go.

I booked a flight to Palm Springs to celebrate the holidays with a friend in a post chemo situation. So, how do I look at this? Negatively, it could be that I have to go to Palm Springs while taking round 8.  I’ll have to be extra careful in the sun as my chemo can be affected by that. My cancer nurse said to have at least 50 sunscreen and keep it in moderation. Positively, I will be in a place where I can relax and be supported by my friend. Another positive is that I will be finished chemo before I return to school on January 6.

My cancer nurse asked if I wanted to stop after the seventh. I told her no. I will push on and finish it as I had promised. Hopefully my side effects won’t be too severe while I am away. I’ll make sure that my travel insurance covers any situation for the time in the States.

I will finish my chemo on January 4, the day after I get back from Palm Springs. I’ll have a couple of days before I head back to school. So, this is going to work, despite what I see as a mistake.

I’m going to just say doubly, Carpe diem and FU cancer! I’m going to move on and hopefully start the new year cancer free.  Something to look forward to it would seem.

[otter1962]

Getting Through Tough Times.

It would seem that the end is in sight for me. I just finished my seventh round of chemo pills and I only have one more round to go. So, why has the past week been so hard on me?

I think that under normal circumstances, this time of the year is difficult with the changing weather, report card preparation, parent teacher conferences on top of the day to day activities.  As a result, I am normally tired at this time of year.  With chemo added to the list, it makes it that much more difficult.

Everyone keeps saying that I am doing really well considering all that has happened.  Sure, but do they really know how much of a battle it is just to get through the day, let alone go to the gym, make dinner, etc each day? As I write this, my eyes hurt because I am very tired and I have a really bad headache that seems to come on every evening about this time (6:00 PM).  So, I drink more water and putter around the house with easy little tasks that I can complete quickly. This list has diminished quite a bit due to my chemo.  I now dread unloading the dishwasher because my headache gets worse when I bend down.  Taking out the recycling to the curb makes me out of breath. Vacuuming is a four stage event because I have to stop numerous times to complete it.  Laundry is the same. These day to day tasks have become more difficult and there is no one but myself to do them.

So, how can I expect myself to do house repairs, painting, winter garden preparation and even walking the dog? I have to go to the gym for my own sanity. A workout takes a lot of energy and many little breaks. By the time I am home from the gym, I am worn out.  You may be saying that I need to ease up on the gym. However, I cannot. It is the one thing in my life that is a constant and helps me focus on the task of getting through the day, the week or even the month. Without it, I’ll plummet into a deep depression.

At this moment, I am pushing through writing this blog as I told my new Alexa to set a thirty minute timer. When that time is up, I will wrap up my blog and then move on to the next thing on my list of things to do.

So what is this list? It is all the things that I love doing: writing, creating, chatting, watching television and making dinner. I am trying to develop a routine that involves less television and more writing and doing enjoyable things that make me feel good. I often feel guilty if I watch too much television! It is too easy. A friend told me today that setting goals and setting the time aside at a regular time in the day helps one develop the habit of doing these things. So, it is my hope that I develop a habit that includes writing, creating things, and at least one household task a day and they become automatic and part of my life.

There are people out there who have chemo problems worse than my own. I try to acknowledge that my path is difficult and that I am doing the best that I can. I can’t minimize my own experiences either. I have to acknowledge what I have accomplished during this cancer event.

Being alone has been the hardest part of all of this.  It would be so nice to have a friend or two sitting with me or being with me more often. Having a partner would make it so easier because he would be there for me, but as you know, i am single.

So how do I get through this? I write my blog as best I can. I set aside some time to be creative as I start my second novel and I carry out one household task to reduce the depression I feel when I see my list of things to do. It is clear that I have to do this alone, despite all the well wishes from friends near and far.

One thing I know for sure, is that if I ever find out a friend is dealing with an issue like this, I WILL NOT stand by and do nothing. I will endeavour to be there for him or her and not let them feel like they are alone. I may be alone and I may feel lonely right now, but I have made a vow to myself to not let it happen to others.

Carpe diem. I’m here for anyone who needs me.I’’m ready for round 8 of chemo... Bring it on....

[otter1962]

Picture of the Day

Winter is coming to Otter Cottage.

[otter1962]

Social Cues, Part 7: Hello? Anybody there?

Weekends can be tough for an introvert. I’ve got lots of tasks to do, but my head is not into them. Chatting with a friend who is in another country, I let him know that I don’t feel like being alone and could use some company. He says, “You’re doing so well with your social cues “project.” Contact local friends and see what’s up.  Reach out.” So I did.

So the big question is, “How many times do you try before you give up?” Weekends are sacred for many coupled people and also for busy single people. I know that.  I could be busy too with my list of things to do. I reached out seven times. Seven times, the friend or friends were busy. I have more local friends, but...for an introvert, that’s a lot of tries. I think that I am now done and for a lack of better things to do, get to my list of tasks. I don’t want to be that person who desperately goes through the entire list to try and make contact.

I think what bothers me is that when I write blogs like this, I get responses from so many people in other places, but seldom from those closer to me. I currently have over 200 friend requests waiting on FaceBook and I am messaged by guys from all over the world, but seldom from those closer to me. What’s the point of developing relationships with people half a world away if you’re feeling lonely?

Here’s an example of the average interaction after I accept the friendship:

Hello.

HI there.

Where are you? (It’s on my profile)

Nova Scotia.

Oh, that’s really far.

Agreed.

I’m in Blah Blah in La La land.  You’re hot. 

Thank you.

Can I see your pictures? (They are all on Facebook)

What kind of pictures?

I want naked shots (this line censored for your delicate ears)

Those kind of pictures are on my Recon account. (My gay app)

I don’t use that. Send me pictures here.

Sorry, I generally don’t do that here.

Ah, okay. Maybe just one picture of your.....?

Let me tell me tell you; after four or five of these a day, I consider deleting one of my social outlets, thereby making me feel even more alone... I won’t even talk about being called, “Dear,” “Love,” “Babe,” “My love,” “Darling.”

Don’t get me wrong! I also have many wonderful friends on Facebook that I treasure and they seem to feel the same way . I don’t want to toss that out either. Some of them take the time to message me for a while or even chat with me (see my social cues blog #2 or 3).

Okay, I did my duty and I’ll go back to my regular routine. I guess the list is the next best thing.

Ps. I got out of bed after giving up and staying there until 3:00 PM.  I’ve written my blog, I’m going to get my haircut, go the gym, come home, make dinner, watch Netflix and go to bed. Yippee!

carpe diem.

[otter1962]

Social Cues - Part 6: Moving Mountains

I’ve been rolling an idea around in my head since the middle of summer. It just occurred to me that if I go through with it, I will put myself in a position where I have to be an extrovert for a major event.  I’ve been hesitant to write about it because if I announce it, I’ll be forced to carry it out.

I’d like to have a fundraiser at my school. It would be half for cancer research and half for the school library. It would be an evening show of dance, singing and entertainment and ticket sales would go to my two causes. I would suggest the fundraiser to my school Principal with a proposal that would include the following things:

1. I would MC it in English and French. I think it would help me come out of my shell.

2. Each homeroom would perform a dance routine or sing a song

3. Audience members and invitees could watch the show and also go through a silent art auction of student work before and after the show.

4. Each song or dance would be dedicated to someone in our school community that is living with cancer, has passed away from cancer or has been a caregiver of someone with cancer.

5. I would perform a dance on my own using my aerobics skills that I taught for 20+ years. This is a biggie because I’m an introvert in case you didn’t already know that! ;)

6. My class would perform two numbers - one for the girls and one for the boys. I’ve already picked out the two songs and started the choreography in my head.

7. I would ask the ballet dancers at my school to do a dance for me. (I already picked the song) I wonder if I am being vain by asking for a dance being dedicated to me?

8. The staff would have an opportunity to perform a dance, which I would help choreograph.

9. I would find a company to donate a sound system rental for the evening, including lighting and a Janet Jackson portable microphone for me.

10. Students would run the sound system, video screen for slideshows and videos, plus lights. There would be stage hands to help set up between numbers and volunteers during breaks.

11. I would create a program and slideshow for the show using my computer skills and my students’. 

12. It would be a school wide fundraiser that would involve student volunteers and performers. I know that parents would love to see their children perform.

13. I think it could be a win situation for everyone. 

There is one big hitch - am I being vain for thinking that I could perform and MC this?  I feel that as a cancer survivor, I am qualified to do so. Also, as an introvert, I owe it to myself to try.

Okay world, I toss the idea out to you and wait for your suggestions, comments and whatever moves you.

Carpe diem?  Majorly!  Phew! Now i’m scared shitless...

[otter1962]

Social Cues - Part 5. One small step...

Yesterday I share my conversation with a new friend on a video chat.  Today’s risky move?  I asked a guy to spot me in the gym.  Okay, hold on! You’re laughing because I am nervous about asking for a spotter? Hell yes! I don’t want to intrude and I am shy at approaching guys full of testosterone in the gym.

I’ve been struggling with fatigue in my workouts. Tonight was no exception. I was doing skull crushers (sounds scary... it isn’t) and on the last set, I couldn’t get the barbell into position.  It landed on my belly and I couldn’t move it to above my head. So, I sat up with the weight and placed it on the floor and considered my next move.  Move on or try to finish?  I decided to finish and I remembered what my colleague had said about being uncomfortable and lean into it. So, I looked around and found a burly guy just finishing a set.  I chose him because some of the other guys probably couldn’t pick the 110 pound bar up...

He pulled his earphones out and I asked him for a spot. He said of course and came over and helped me.  I got through the set and thanked him for his help. No big deal. Nothing went wrong! There was no anti-matter explosion or any disaster. He even smiled and waved later in the change room when he left.

So what’s the lesson here? Just ask sounds like a pretty tall order and is tough. I’ll keep trying until maybe until it doesn’t seem so hard. 

What’s next?  Who knows... I’ll keep you posted.

[otter1962]

Social Cues - Part 4. “Gentleman, we can rebuild him.”

In part three, I promised that I would step outside of my comfort zone and reach out to people in different ways. A friend at work even said to me that if I feel uncomfortable, it is because I need to be there and lean in and accept it. So, I did.

I have been getting a lot of friend requests on Facebook. I have to admit that I am getting a little tired of the constant natter of short messages consisting of Hello.  Hey. Thumbs up emoji, etc... There was one man, however, who did it a little differently. We did the, “Hello” and “How are you” bits. As I shared a bit more information about my current cancer chemo treatments, he responded with:  “I have an idea, so here goes:  Perhaps we could live chat at some point.  Don't worry!  I'm not the pervy type and would not be asking you to do weird stuff.  Not my style.”

Normally, I am incredibly shy about talking on the telephone and especially with a web cam.  I usually find an excuse to avoid it, unless it is someone that I know well.  So, Grant 2.0 decided to say yes...

I actually did the calling. He said he was ready, so I took the lead and called him. When he answered, i saw a really handsome guy with a smile on his face and obviously a warm heart willing to share and chat with me!  I also don’t do well with politics and avoid it like the plague, but not this time!  We talked about American and Canadian politics, healthcare, being gay in the 80′s and beyond, teaching and many other things.

The time passed by very quickly and we chatted for almost two hours.  There were a couple of times when I paused and wondered what else I could say. He quite nicely continued and cued up another subject about which to talk.

I have to admit, I was wondering if the topic would turn to sex, as with a lot of gay men, it does. However, in this case, we both avoided it and left it for perhaps, future discussions.

I even looked at myself in the camera part of Messenger. I never do that because I have an issue about looking at myself in the mirror or on a camera.  Sometimes I feel very uncomfortable with what I see. I just figured, that I’d look and see if I was projecting the good feelings I was experiencing with this new found acquaintance.  My face showed what I was feeling inside. I really was enjoying myself, despite a couple of pregnant pauses. We then made a pact that we would chat again soon.  I’m looking forward to it. 

For those of you who are scratching your heads and wondering what the big fuss is about, then you are obviously not shy or an introvert. If you have an inkling of what I am saying, then you obviously have been in a situation like mine as an introvert or a shy person.

Tomorrow’s plan, sit and talk to a coworker about something else than teaching... Cue the bionic sounds now....