Some of my kakuhida headcanons (under the read more, it got a bit long). Sorry for any typos etc in advance I have a new keyboard
- Hidan is bad at reading (dyslexic hidan is funny, but him being a child soldier who barely received any education is more likely). Kakuzu needs reading glasses because his vision up close got worse with age, but refuses to admit it/wear them unless he is alone (Hidan always has some remarks when he sees them). As a result Kakuzu often asks Hidan to read things for him, like maps and pages from the bingo book. Hidan is embarrassed to admit his bad reading proficiency, so he pretends he misreads things on purpose when Kakuzu catches him being wrong. Sometimes he does read things inaccurately on purpose just to annoy Kakuzu.
- Neither of them handles affection normally. Usually they just verbally abuse each other, until one of them goes too far. They resolve it with sex or fighting. None of them ever utters an apology, but Hidan will be more helpful than usual, and Kakuzu will give Hidan gifts like an emotionally stunted boomer father of five (eg. he sees Hidan eat an apple one time, then later on throws a bag of them at Hidan, and threatens to kill him if they go bad, or gives a bit of his food to him without saying anything). If Hidan thanks him, he gets flustered (and as a result, angry).
- Hidan can't take when Kakuzu is paying attention to someone (or something) else. He takes books out of his hands and throws/rips them, if Kakuzu is talking to a business partner Hidan forces himself into the conversation with corny jokes or tries to intimidate the other person. If it doesn't work, he does drastic things like harming himself on purpose but playing it off as an accident, or destroying something expensive "accidentally".
- Seeing Kakuzu mad at something/someone else makes him jealous. He doesn't help Kakuzu resolve his anger, but instead tries to find ways to direct it onto himself, or otherwise make the situation about himself. He accidentally conditioned himself into getting a boner whenever he sees Kakuzu angry.
- Kakuzu tells really bad jokes, the stuff you read on the backs of newspapers. Only he finds them funny, and if Hidan doesn't laugh with him, he snaps at him and calls him stupid. Otherwise Kakuzu has really dry humor, and can be witty, but those fly over Hidan's head. Kakuzu uses these quips to make fun of Hidan in front of other people. Hidan always thinks that Kakuzu is making fun of him whenever Kakuzu says something and other people laugh. Even if Hidan finds Kakuzu funny, he will try to not laugh in front of Kakuzu to avoid giving Kakuzu any gratification.
- Hidan and Kakuzu are always talking shit about everyone and everything and constantly complain to each other. Rest assured they are laughing at you behind your back and cracking jokes at your expense. Assume these jokes are about your worst insecurities and fears. Yes, they noticed the piece of salad stuck between your teeth. Hidan will mention it to your face and they will laugh at your reaction later too. By next time they see you they will have a really cruel inside joke about you. They are exchanging looks when you talk. These are the only times they have any partnership going on.
- Hidan has really inconsistent hygiene habits. It improved a lot since he partnered with Kakuzu who keeps him in check (and beats him up or won't allow him into the room if Hidan stinks). Hidan teases Kakuzu about this and says stuff like "you just want to see me naked" to which Kakuzu replies "I wish I could only see you and not smell you" or something along these lines.
- Kakuzu has a very particular morning and evening routine, but Hidan disrupts it (even if its sometimes not entirely on purpose). Kakuzu wakes up earlier than Hidan and goes to sleep later to avoid disruptions from him.
- Kakuzu is more of an early bird, Hidan is more of a night owl. Their sleep schedules would conflict if they both weren't plagued by constant nightmares and flashbacks. Kakuzu gets semi-legal stuff from his suppliers to help them sleep. None of them ever mention or acknowledge the night terrors and neither of them are very helpful or reassuring to each other. They just ignore the other and give each other space and privacy. None of them mention if any of them cries at night, not even Hidan, unless he really wants to hurt Kakuzu. They are often restless at night. Depending on the mood they resolve this by fucking, fighting, or disappearing for the rest of the night and often appearing covered in blood in the morning.
- Kakuzu, despite of his opinion of himself, is actually pretty patient. Only Hidan makes him lose his temper. This is like flirting and foreplay for them.
- Kakuzu splurges money when he isn't on a mission. Its a mixture of expensive taste and proving to himself he made it. He gets really wasteful at times, and is prone to impulse spending/throwing money at things he wouldn't normally in the heat of the moment. Then he restricts his spending to an insane degree, and eats horrible shit ("food is fuel, not fun"). Then the cycle continues, because he "earned it". Hidan complains about this frequently, because when Kakuzu is in his frugal mood, he also has to fend for himself, or eat whatever horrid shit Kakuzu forages and eats. Kakuzu is used to food shortages and can forage/hunt and prepare these items well, but he will often make unenjoyable struggle meals out of the ingredients to punish himself for his earlier lack of restraint. If Hidan dares to complain about the struggle meals Kakuzu just eats all of it by himself and lets Hidan go hungry. Hidan has learned to keep his mouth shut about the food. He could hunt if he wanted to, but its easier to just let Kakuzu do the work (and get angry about it in private). Kakuzu's version of guilt after especially heinous missions is blood money burning his pockets. Hidan doesn't give a shit either way and enjoys the ride, or tries to manipulate Kakuzu into spending more.
- Kakuzu ignores Hidan on purpose to piss him off because he find his reactions funny. Additionally, when Kakuzu gets really into focus mode, he won't pay attention to whatever happens around him. The problem is he also frequently gives the silent treatment to Hidan as a punishment, if he actually makes him mad (not usual mad, actual mad). Good luck figuring out which one is it now, Hidan.
- Hidan is a motor mouth yapper. It doesn't irk Kakuzu as much as one would expect because he just tunes him out if he doesn't want to engage with whatever bullshit Hidan is ranting about. Kakuzu hmms and nods at the right places and Hidan often doesn't notice Kakuzu not paying attention to him until its too late. Another reason why he hates when Kakuzu does pay attention to something else.
- Hidan is desperate for Kakuzu's approval. While he would never admit it to himself, Kakuzu finds this very flattering, and does his best to look cool in front of Hidan, because seeing Hidan admiring him does make him happy, and he tries to live up to Hidan's expectations of him. His self esteem isn't always the best. Seeing Hidan disappointed in him would send him down into a spiral of self loathing.
- On the rare occasion Hidan is right and Kakuzu is wrong about something, Kakuzu just punches Hidan to end the argument. Hidan is a smug little shit about it of course and won't let it go. He keeps rubbing it in, until Kakuzu declares this whole thing is a waste of time either way and only idiots would pride themselves over being right in such a trivial matter. Then beats Hidan up anyways for good measure to relieve the stress of not being automatically correct about everything. Kakuzu's way or the highway.
- They can be nice to each other but they always keep an itemized list about the favors they did to each other in their head. Yes they will hold these up over each other and there are always some strings attached no matter the situation. They are very transactional about favors. Hidan asks Kakuzu to pour some water for him, and if Kakuzu refuses Hidan will start going on about the last nice thing he did to Kakuzu ("But I carried the body the way back home because you could barely move after the fight!") and they will tally up the favors. They will go on and on about how last time Kakuzu bought Hidan some rice, and before that Hidan didn't get water for him even though Kakuzu shared his onigiris with him during a meal, but actually Hidan remembers it was in compensation for the one time Hidan was watching over Kakuzu while he slept during a mission even though it was Kakuzu's turn, until Kakuzu reluctantly agrees and gives him that stupid glass of water from the pitcher he already sits next to. Everything has a price. Everything has to be negotiated all the time. Heaven forbid they are just kind to each other without any reason and one of them upsets the balance. Neither of their egos could take being a loser that got used without anything in return.
HLVRAI LIVE IN PERSON! And its just a soldout theatre of people watching wayne in a VR headset talk to himself with no screen to show us what he’s seeing and no speakers so we dont know what he’s hearing.
