-27 yrs old, she/her
-biromantic asexual
-Gemini Sun, Libra Moon, Virgo Rising
-INFP-T, 4w3
-currently studying software engineering (my second go-around of school because I was stupid)
-my interests includes fantasy, adventure and whimsy in any form: video games, literature, dungeons and dragons, podcasts, anime/manga.
-Also am deeply involved with kpop, BL, crocheting, renaissance faires, and making intensely specific mood playlists
-Maybe I'll make a masterlist of all the fandoms I'm in someday.
-my interests are fairly vanilla, but girl....i love a good monster romance.
- I mainly use this blog as a place to shitpost, but I'm starting to use this blog more seriously to explore my writing.
My Stories
Reluctance of Love (orc x elf mm romance, on-going)
Part 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35
Ask Me Anything
Have a question, a story prompt or just feel like chatting? Feel free to submit anything! :)
the worst thing about all those dracula adaptations that recast mina as a pure wilting heroine caught in a dark romance with the sexy evil vampire who's obsessed with her, is that that story already exists. my girl my queen the sexy evil obsessive vampire of all of our dreams carmilla karnstein is RIGHT THERE!! laura, the pure sweet heroine who cannot resist the dark sexyevil allure of the vampire who won't leave her alone is RIGHT THERE. the people do not want dracula. the people yearn for carmilla.
Hello my friendly folk! Is it just me or does this week feel like it will never end? I'm clinging to whatever whimsy I can find in these dark times. Keep being good to each other, okay?
Orc Male x Half-Elf Male, Fated Mates, Forbidden Love, Slow Burn Part 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35
Content Warnings: violence
All orcish is from orcishdictionary.com, created by Matt Vancil.
Altan POV
The next morning I found myself nestled in a chair, my feet propped upon the side of Drunrag’s bed with a book in my hand. It was a lazy morning, and I knew that I had other duties waiting for my attention. But Drunrag hadn’t awoken yet. His breathing was even, and his expression was untroubled. I wasn’t foolish enough to think that he was completely devoid of pain, that would take time, but he was safe and it showed in the way his body relaxed into the bed that assured me all would be well.
I wish I had had a similar sleep.
It was still dark when I awoke with my hands grappling at my neck, fighting invisible hands that were trying to choke me.
Since then I hadn’t been able to sleep.
I was lost in the sight of my beloved, shoving the darker memories of the night before away when I heard a slight knock at the door. I looked up. Gaius Gideon was standing at the edge of the door, politely waiting to enter.
“Gaius, come in.” I said, waving him in. I sat up, my feet on the ground.
“There’s been news in Berdusk.” Gaius’ voice was low, serious when he stepped into the room.
“What kind of news?”
“The Duke of Triel has been murdered.”
I blinked, stunned. “Murdered?”
“We should discuss this somewhere else, let him continue to rest.” He nodded towards Drunrag.
I got to my feet and followed him out of the room.
The cottage we were staying at was small, but comfortable. The guest room Drun and I stayed in led out into an airy, open kitchen where Del and Selhar were already seated with cups of tea. There was a steaming cup waiting for me and I resisted the urge to sigh at the sight of it. I had not been a tea person before this day, and after the amount of tea I had had to drink from Del, I was cured of ever becoming a tea person in the future.
Selhar and Del were locked into some animated conversation about herbalism when I entered. Since they had met, the two had become fast friends. I saw how eager and bright my brother was and he was curiously digging for as much information as he could on anything. Del happened to possess a wealth of knowledge that Selhar desired. It warmed me to see Del going about her regular business with Selhar following in her shadow asking a flurry of questions.
“Good morning Altan, some tea for you.” Del broke away from the conversation to gesture at the mug I already knew was mine. I had grown accustomed to a mug waiting for me every few hours. Del was diligent at making sure the affects of lordhovid were treated. It made me wonder if such strict routines were because of her own dealings with it or if she was simply adept at her skills. Would half-orcs experience lordhovid at the same intensity? I wasn’t even an orc and I experienced it. Curious indeed.
“Thanks.” I said with a smile and settled into the seat.
Gaius followed and the conversation died on Selhar’s lips as he recognized the conversation shift.
He looked pointedly at me, then at Selhar. “I apologize for disrupting our small window of peace here. I understand how valuable the time is that it takes to heal the wounds you each have been dealt. However, there are matters that we must discuss. I have received word from my comrades in Berdusk that things are not well. There is a list of matters that must be dealt with swiftly.”
I prompted Gaius further, “he was murdered by Allara.”
Selhar lurched back in his seat before he caught himself and bit back whatever he had wanted to say. His eyes shifted between Gaius and I, wide with concern.
The news of Triel’s Duke being murdered was shocking, entirely unexpected. And yet, hearing whose hand dealt the final blow was not. In fact, I understood completely what drove Allara to make such a choice. I remembered seeing the sharpness in her eyes for that brief moment when her mind had cleared. She was stronger than anyone had ever given her credit for, and I didn’t doubt that at the right moment, she would seize any opportunity she could to be free. I couldn’t hate or blame her for making such a choice.
I wonder if her father haunted her dreams too.
Gaius laid out to slips of unfolded paper on the table, “As of right now, she is in the dungeons. The Council is holding her there as a hostage until they receive word from Triel.”
“How awful.” I whisper under my breath, “She won’t be given any comfort there.”
Selhar said nothing, his fists curled tight with white knuckles.
“No,” Gideon agreed, “Not unless The Duke of Berdusk were to permit a different arrangement, which brings up a curious dilemma we’re now in: The Duke of Berdusk.”
Selhar and I wouldn’t meet our eyes. I knew we were both wrestling with our own feelings around this. While my mind replayed the horrors done to me by him, I knew that Selhar was battling genuine grief of a father now gone. And now, he was suddenly parentless. He seemed to be handling it well amongst company with Del and Gaius, but as soon as I stepped into a room, his demeanor would shift and he would quiet. Did he blame me for what happened? I feared he did and I was nervous to hear what he would say.
“The people of Berdusk do not yet know of Duke Hilmar’s fate, and until I return to them, they will not know. I have my personal thoughts on what should happen from this point, but seeing how one of you is the apparent heir at this time, and both of you were his children, what would you see be done, now?”
“The people have to know what he has done.” I said, “Nothing can change in Berdusk without truth.”
I heard Selhar sniff next to me and I flinched at the sound. I felt so guilty for taking his father from him, but I also felt so much relief at him being gone.
Commander Gideon nodded, “I understand. Selhar, do you agree?”
I saw in my periphery that Selhar nodded, but said nothing.
“Though telling the truth is our approach, I caution against the entire truth.” Gideon asked. “How do we plan to explain his death?”
“Murdered by the Red Hunt seems like a simple explanation.” I said. “His actions would never have led him to such a fate without their part in it.”
“What about Drunrag?” Selhar asked.
“What about Drun?” I asked, my heart leapt to my throat.
He sat up in his chair, giving me a more direct look, “Wouldn’t it be suspicious if you returned as heir with the orc who kidnapped you as your lover? No one would believe he was innocent.”
“The Council especially may get suspicious.” Gideon added.
My stomach clenched. The issue breached into an entire slew of questions that I wasn’t prepared to think about. I had just gotten Drun back. And yet, I understood their concern. Berdusk remained a village led by corruption that instilled a fervent belief in humans being the sole supreme race. It would be foolish of Drunrag and I to believe that such cultural thinking could shift so easily, even with the Duke gone. He wasn’t the source of wicked thinking - only one who gave permission for others to behave as he did.
“What are we suggesting then? Am I to return to Berdusk without Drunrag?”
“That is not an option that anyone in this room wants, but it does bring up perhaps a more personal question for you, Altan.” Gaius looked between Selhar and I, “Is it your desire to become Duke? It’s possible an easy solution could be made here and now where you and Drunrag are free to make your way in the world and relinquish the responsibility to another.”
I swallowed, the ideas running through my head were tantalizing, reminders of what I wanted most with my beloved, walks on beaches, travelling through small towns with my instruments in hand and my tall, brilliant lover holding me at night. It was so near if I wanted it to be.
“But wouldn’t that mean we're giving up?” I asked, “Wouldn’t I be abandoning Berdusk? My family?” I looked at Selhar. “It’s just pushing the problem onto someone else.”
“But you wouldn’t be hiding who you are anymore.” Selhar said, his voice low. “And I could take the responsibility from you.”
His voice betrayed him, I heard the weight of what he would do for me.
No, that wasn’t fair. I couldn’t do that to him. Or Robin. Or to Gaius and his wife who were about to start their family. Or to Doxxah who remained a stalwart leader to their community, though they toiled harder than most others to receive the recognition.
“I’ll do it.” I said, and the words surprised me. A year ago I would have refused to believe that I would accept or want to take my father’s place. It had always been my dream to travel - to escape, really - and to meet my destiny on distant shores. But even as the words left my lips, the commitment was real, it was true. My father carried a dishonest legacy and chose to keep it secret, behind closed doors. This was an opportunity to make a different choice and aid Berdusk into a different era.
“I think you should understand that making that decision will come at a cost for a time.” Gaius said. I could read it on Gaius’ face, and how the words were slow to come out of his mouth. He had already thought about this.
I bit my lip and finally let out the sigh that was caught in my chest. “How long will we be apart?”
“I’m not certain.” He said, “It depends upon the decisions of the High Council. They alongside the Duke are the heartbeat of Berdusk, it is through them that cultivates the way of life in Berdusk. Your greatest concern when you return should first be to find those who were loyal to your father and see about correcting them, or replacing them. Only after that is done can we begin to work towards changes in policy. Optimistically, I predict two years, perhaps. Realistically I expect longer. It’s going to take time to change laws, even longer to change a culture.”
“Time.” I repeated with weight on my chest. The cruelest price. I placed my hand on my chest and I felt the building sensation of lordhovid and the way it pulled me into the room next door. I felt the steady beating of Drun’s heart. I rolled my head back, breathing in a large, heavy breath. “I need to tell him what I’ve decided, if he refuses, we may need to consider a different plan.”
“Of course. Though, I doubt he will dissuade you from your decision.”
“You do?” I asked.
Gideon had a knowing smile that he traded with Del. “Honor is essential in his culture, and devotion. He sees the importance of allowing you to pursue honor in your own way.”
“But where would that leave him?” I asked. “He’s still recovering and I won’t be able to stay with him.”
Del cleared her throat, “He could possibly stay with me at the inn if he chooses, it would permit you some opportunities to be together when time permits, but he would be forced into a very private life, one I wouldn’t recommend without considerable thought. In the meantime, I will stay here with him as he recovers.”
“Stay?” My voice cracked. “Meaning we need to leave soon?”
Gaius nodded, “There is some urgency to bringing back the news of the Duke’s death and the assured safety of his sons. I caution us from delaying our departure.”
I bowed my head, sighing heavily. “It was never going to be a smooth path, was it?”
“I’m afraid when it comes to love like yours, not at first.” Gaius said, I noticed his eyes were caught on his wife’s before he looked at me with intent. “But I promise you that whatever you decide, I will make sure that you and Drunrag are together. Berdusk has been our home. I will not accept that its fate is to become separated from the rest of the world, lost in its own greed and self interest. I see a future where my wife and child and your beloved are welcome on those streets. I have vowed to see that happen.”
I swallowed thickly and nodded, “Thank you Commander.”
Selhar cleared his throat and motioned with his chin at the papers on the table, “Is there more?”
Gaius cleared his throat, nodded and lifted the paper from the table. “Yes, my lord, there is one other item of business that I’d appreciate your time on.” He said, intent to continue, “You are already aware that there was a sudden dispersion of the Red Hunters and they are now stationed across all roads that lead into Berdusk. I imagine this is due to some arrangement with the Duke - but now that he is dead, they are now following their own personal rules and raiding anyone who crosses into our land. Word has already spread to the rest of my fleet, and there has been reports that they’re moving towards Berdusk.”
I ran my hand through my hair, sighed again and said, “What can possibly be done to stop them? Berdusk doesn’t have the strength to stop them.”
Selhar raised his head, the dark expression was gone from his face. “Didn’t Drunrag kill many of them fairly easily in the prison?”
I glanced to Gaius, he made a brief nod before answering, “It’s hard to say if it was natural instinct for Drunrag, or a surge in power to break free, but he did seem to have a handle on piercing through their defenses, something we have not been as successful at.”
“What are you thinking?” I asked, peering closer at the way my brother’s eyes narrowed and his hands clenched and unclenched.
“It might be a terrible idea,” He said, “But what if we asked for help from Drunrag’s family? You said they’re in the Plains of the Dead just north of here. We could let them clear the Red Hunt. It may be another way to change people’s minds in Berdusk.”
Gaius looked between all of us, unreadable until he spoke, “Clever thinking, my lord. Very clever. I’m almost disappointed I didn’t think of it myself.”
“Would they accept our request for aid?” Del asked. “There has not been peace between Berdusk and the orcs ever since Berdusk was settled here in their land.”
I felt a clench of shame in my stomach. Berdusk had been settled with my great-great grandfather and the stories that I had been raised to believe were ones of conquest in unthinkable circumstances. My father had spoken of his great grandfather with overwhelming pride. Looking back, I recalled the way my mother’s eyes fell whenever it was brought up and her lips would tighten into a thin frown. I don’t think I had realized that the land didn’t belong to us, that we possibly took it from someone else.
“I will speak to my father.” Drunrag’s deep, resonant voice interrupted my thoughts and I whipped my head up to see him standing in the doorframe. He was leaning his weight against the wall and holding his abdomen. I could see his face was tight with discomfort.
I rose to my feet, “Let me help you.” I said under my breath.
“Drunrag, a good rest has done wonders to you, you’re looking quite hale and hearty!” Del exclaimed.
His smile was mild, but kind, “I understand you are the one I must thank for my recovery. Del, am I correct?”
I stood next to him and he welcomed me into his space by lifting an arm. I sidled under and put an arm around his waist. He slowly settled his weight onto me. My head began to buzz being near him.
“It is a pleasure to finally meet you when you’re awake.” Del said, her tone light “Shall I get you something to eat, drink? Take a seat wherever, this furniture was built to withstand an orc.” She got to her feet and suddenly went to the other side of the room where the kitchen was. Drunrag watched in mute wonderment.
“I’d like to know what I missed.” He made the motion to move and I braced as he put more weight on me. We both winced as we walked over to the chairs, his hand was on my shoulder when he eased down into the seat next to mine. He took a moment to catch his breath before looking up and meeting my eyes. Without words, I pleaded to know if he was okay. His eyes crinkled as he gave a brief smile, his hand - so large, I had forgotten - rested on my thigh.
Gaius quickly talked through what had happened in Berdusk since Drun’s capture. The happenings of my engagement, the role I played in breaking free to pursue the Duke and the final events leading up to the Duke’s death and the scattering of the Red Hunt. Drun listened solemnly, nodding occasionally.
He didn’t speak until after Gaius had explained what would be coming next. Our gaze met at the mention of me returning to Berdusk within the next few days.
I bowed my head, “Please, tell me if this isn’t what you want.”
He took a breath before his hand took a hold of mine. “Altan, you needn’t worry about what I want, for I will accept whatever you choose.” His grey eyes were looking at me with such kindness and love.
I lowered my gaze, unable to meet his eyes.
“I know what you could do for your people, and I already know you will accomplish it. There is no doubt in my mind on what the right decision is. I wish I could be by your side to help, but I will do what I can on my side to assure there can be peace for both of our people. I will speak with my father.”
“But your family-”
He shook his head, “I will deal with them, you needn’t worry.”
“You know that I don’t want to leave you again.” I said.
His grip tightened around my hands, not so hard that it hurt, but a pressure that felt like a gentle reminding squeeze that he was still here with me. A reminder of our commitment to one another. “I know your love and your courage, Altan, and I would be selfish to keep it to myself when I see the difference you could make. I can trust that this is not a goodbye. Not to me.” He pressed a hand to his heart. “I can feel you, and I know you’ll be safe.” Then he nodded towards Gaius and Selhar, “And I trust you’ll be taken care of.”
Gaius cleared his throat, ‘The more I ponder this plan, the more I see its long term potential. With an agreement made between the orcs and Berdusk, there are opportunities for the both of you to take leadership and see to it that Berdusk and the lands beyond are cared for properly and handled accordingly. I believe Selhar was quite keen to think of this.”
Selhar beamed with unsecret pride, but said nothing. He couldn’t seem to look away from Drun and his hulking mass now that he was sitting next to me. Drun noticed his stare and returned it with a bow of his head.
I sighed, “Then I suppose we better prepare to leave. Will you be alright on your own?” I turned my question to Drun.
He pressed his hand on his abdomen and though it was obvious it was still tender, he nodded “I will be fine, nod maerad.”
The conversation fizzled when Del returned with a pot of stew. Selhar exclaimed excitedly at the smell of it and we all found ourselves letting the conversation stray to lighter things. It was an odd feeling, to share a meal in such a comfortable, domestic space and to realize that Drunrag was sitting next to me and no one seemed threatened or bothered by him. And in fact, was welcomed into the conversation. He remained quiet through most of it, but was engaged.
The stew warmed and filled our bellies and when Drun made the motion he was ready to retire to bed I quickly rose to help him into the room. I glanced back into the dining room, noticing that Gaius and Del were cleaning the space up to retire. Selhar was still at the table, a complicated mixture of both a boy who had not yet processed his grief, and almost a man who watched me with understanding and pride in his expression.
I prayed to the gods for my brother that night that he wouldn’t be caught between loving our father and hating him for my sake forever.
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Sending love to those who are over-stimulated, over-giving, under-held, and trying to feel something while also trying to become someone. Be patient with yourself.
