inkstained minds, inkblotted hearts

Because life without words is dead This is a collaboration of poetry written by m.i. & t.e.k. Gladly answering advice questions and accepting prompts Just talk to us! :)

[ourhearts-onpaper]

Everyone has their three. Three distinct moments in their life that they know changed everything. The first of my moments was the one where I met you. It was sweaty palms and nervous fingers. I had no clue what to say or what to think, I just knew that around you I felt okay. The second of my moments was the one where we had our first fight. It was clenched fists and harsh words. I don't remember what I said or what I thought, I just knew that nothing could be worth you shedding a tear. The third and last of my moments was the one where we went our separate ways. It was bloodshot eyes and snot-dripping noses. I remember every last detail of that moment. In the back of my car we cried and cried and we held each other like we'd never let go... except we did. We let go and you moved on and that's okay. But I just know that ever since then, I'd never be the same.

“The moment you remember clearest is the one that means the most.”-m.i.

[transiitory]

mama, i’m not afraid of death really. nor do i crave it either. it’s just that it’s moments like these that will be etched into the corners of my memory forever. moments where i’m scrolling through my news feed and a name of someone i used to know is eulogized. moments where, against my will, the ever growing blackness that resides within the emptiness of my chest gets revived. they said to me: “you didn’t really know him, why are you so affected?” but it’s words like these that make my traumatized mind flash back to the grave of my little sister and the grave of my lifelong friend and suddenly its like all the mourning and the recovering and the healing meant nothing because all that’s left is this pain again. no, mama, i don’t want it for myself. i don’t wish it upon me; please don’t think i crave a taste for something that has already implanted itself within my bones. please know that i’ll never be able to get her taste - the taste of frailty and hospitals walls and fresh flowers - off of my tongue. it’s just that all i know of death is of her jealousy: her jealousy of the breath inside people’s lungs she will never stop taking. and all i know is that the list of those too young to die is a list too long but, mama, please. please don’t worry about me, for i know death seems to take up the space in all of my journals but that’s only because she tends to hit too close to home every time. why does she do that, mama? i look around and all that’s illuminated in my vision are too many fields filled with flowers and flags dedicated to too many cold gray stones. too many lives stolen by the likes of her. all I know, mama, is that out of everything i’ve experienced, she’s the feeling that makes me feel the most alone. so, mama, i’m not afraid of death itself. i’m just tired of living in a world filled with so much crying and dying and parents who will always have the kind of ache that you have. the kind of ache that never seems to depart from my blood stream. the kind that creates a hollowness where there used to be light beams. a kind that makes everyone affected feel like they will never ever be the same.

For Brian, rest easy. // t.e.k. (via transiitory)

[ourhearts-onpaper]

I started writing when I fell for you. Back when life was just a dream that could only be described in pen and ink. I would write and write and write. From morning till night there'd be a pen in my hand. You brought out the dreamer that dwelled deep within the realist. Writing was something that I thought I could never stop. For many months, it felt like life was just a fantasy. You didn't just make me fall for you, You made me fall in love with life. Every moment was something to be cherished. Every day on Earth was such a beautiful gift. Everything in this world was worth writing about. Everything would somehow just turn out right. Then one day, It was like I finally woke up. I saw the ugliness of the world again. I saw how things were never fair. The pain in the world outweighed the happiness. Writing was suddenly the last thing on my mind. Writing was something I had finally left behind. And after six months more came and went, I was something that you could leave behind. The words I wrote, the words you loved, the words that made you fall in love with me were gone. So I don't really blame you for anything. After all, it wasn't your fault but my own. I never should have set down that pen. I only wish I had known that then.

"And now the dreamer has become a realist once again." -m.i. (I think this is the last poem I will ever write)

[ourhearts-onpaper]

suddenly, after weeks of empty pages, the words start to flow from the mind that is made up of you. when i think of you, i think of the ocean. i think of braving the cold, of jumping in, of waves and of shivers that spasm through to my fingertips. i think of my heart being a locked door and i think of you holding the key. i think of you falling into me - slowly, gently, deeply - not like the others, not in a rush, not in affectionate gestures and hushed whispers, but just in being, breathing, our hearts as connected as the moon and the sun, softly, quietly, beating as one.

t.e.k. 

[ourhearts-onpaper]

it feels as though death is swallowing up everyone i love.  there is too much pain and too many existences cut short. i'm tired of the cells not making enough cells and i'm tired of the loss of blood and i'm tired of the certain chemical that made you not want to stay here as you should, see, i know that death is a part of life and that there's more for our souls, but i'm sick of seeing everyone i love go.

no one’s invincible - t.e.k. 

[ourhearts-onpaper]

the haunting shadow of inadequacy follows me wherever i go. my sister was always the star in our family. her hair was always perfect and her eyes always bright and she never caused a problem or put up any fights. her grades were always A’s and her nails always straight and i was just…. good but not good enough. i got those A’s and those awards and her pretty straight teeth but, you see, there’s so much she is and so much i’ll never be. life is full of comparisons. there’s beauty in the world but nothing i’ve ever written has ever seemed beautiful and nothing in my eyes has ever seemed really alive and my fingers are always shaky and i can play music and sing and draw many things, but i’ll never be like the rest of them. i’ll never add up to anything.

t.e.k.

[ourhearts-onpaper]

in this story, i think of you and my heart doesn’t shake. in this story, dreaming of love doesn’t hurt anymore. in this story, i am not afraid. but this story isn’t ours. you’re far away from where i am and neither of us know who we want to be. “expectation is the root of all heartache,” i remind myself as reality hits and the cold comes and everything within me goes devastatingly numb. 

“the butterflies are gone, you know?” you tell your best friend. “she was great, but every story has an end.”

[ourhearts-onpaper]

Just promise me that you’ll only remember the good. Forget the fights. Forget every time I ever made you feel like you weren’t enough. Remember me as the one who got away, not the one you’re glad that he couldn’t stay. Maybe someday, when the lucky man you married isn’t around, you would tell your kids about me and only have memories of smiles and laughter to tell them about. Maybe you could tell them that the best year of your life is the one we spent together. Just please, don’t regret the love we shared. I promise you, but maybe someday, I could be lucky enough to tell my kids that the same man from my youth, is their father.

"Excerpt from a book I’ll never write" -m.i.

[myqualmsareneverending]

There were few moments that felt infinite in my life. The world would feel drown out and nothing else would matter. My favorite of these moments was when I held you in my arms for the very first time. I felt so close to you, our chests rising and falling and our hearts beating at the same time. You looked up at me and your eyes were sparkling just like the stars in the sky. But moments like these would only remain infinite in my mind, since one day you scattered And all these moments have only become memories of what I once thought could last forever.

"Moments that stretched to infinity" -m.i. (via myqualmsareneverending)

[ourhearts-onpaper]

Where were you when the city was burning down, where were you when everything tumbled to the ground, why was your heart so empty, a pitiful void. Why couldn’t you notice me standing there, my heart on the line. But tonight, my darling, I’m afraid to say we’re just so out of time.

"You said you saw fire in my eyes, but that was just the world inside of me falling apart." - m.i.

[ourhearts-onpaper]

to the woman who loves him next: he’ll never admit that he’s cold. it’ll be raining or chilly enough that your breaths are visible but he’ll still offer you his coat. don’t take that for granted. don’t take him for granted. see, he’s known for giving to people. he’s gives them love, laughter, cheesy jokes, coffee cake. he prioritizes others and empties his heart to fill up the voids in themselves. some days, the weight of everyone else catches up to him. some days, his vision is cloudy and his heart is heavy. be there to lighten the load. on the days where he feels like it’s getting bad again, on the days he feels off, wrap him up in your arms and rub his back and remind him that everything will be fine. things will work out, things will return to how they used to be, he just needs time. never fail to tell him how much you appreciate him. make your presence known to him. show him that you care, not just by your words, but by your actions. if your outward expressions do not prove your love for him, he won’t believe that love exists. he tells the truth without fail. trust him. trust him with everything. more importantly, allow him to trust you. be the kind of woman who keeps her word. be honest, be true, be the you you need to be for you both. when you hold his hand, trace patterns on his palm, lightly tap your thumb against his. reciprocate all his acts of affection. kiss him like you mean it. and if you don’t mean it, don’t kiss him. if he claims to love you, know he does. those words aren’t just words to him, if you love him, love him with your all. don’t hold back. he deserves all the love in the world. give him paper and pens and notepads and books and prompts and ideas and he will make you a masterpiece. the words that flow from his mind to his fingertips work like magic. read his work as if it is magic. appreciate his art because it is one of the most personal expressions of his inner self he’ll give you. if he’s vulnerable with you, you have his heart. hold onto it. cherish it. protect it with your life. sometimes his legs shake and sometimes he feels like a mess and it’s your job to reassure him that he is wonderful and beautiful and full of every bit of goodness in this world. one last thing, never let him go. he will be the best thing that ever happened to you, he IS the best thing that will ever happen to you. don’t lose the moon because you’re chasing after the stars. if there’s one thing I know it’s this; he is it. he is everything. don’t treat him like he’s any less.

t.e.k.

[ourhearts-onpaper]

I miss when my veins were filled with ink to spill across this page, when poems and sonnets were formed from just an inkling of inspiration. But since my veins have come to be filled with lilies and daffodils, everything just comes out smeared.

"Writers Block: the novel" -m.i.

[ourhearts-onpaper]

they tell me that grades don’t matter, that gpas don’t define your worth, but their eyes are saying "don’t screw up don’t screw up be better do more be more" and soon enough there are sleepless nights and buckets of coffee just to get through the next class, there are teachers who don’t hesitate to say "you shouldn’t have slacked, your grade is staying this way" and your hands shake and your eyes droop and they dare to wonder why it is that school has taken up all of your time and suddenly you are a broken teenager with no source of light.

"which is better; to go to school or to sleep forever?" -t.e.k.

[ourhearts-onpaper]

hey, kid, we all come from broken places, some are just more broken than others and what i hate is when people upgrade their problems like "oh my god he didn't talk to me today" and "my life is ruined i'm having a bad hair day" when there are people out there who don't consider their house a home and there are people out there who've never understood what the word family means and there are people out there who have been chewed up and spit out and people who have the kind of lives that make them want to put a gun to their head and sure enough, now they're dead. i hate the cruelty of this world but i want to love you until you forget how it made it's mark on you.

"all i want to do is kiss the painful memories and harsh winters out of you." -t.e.k.

[ourhearts-onpaper]

I just miss when the only time I felt like I was drowning was when I was neck deep in your love, not from when I was suffocating from this weight on my chest.

"Why can’t we just be okay?"-m.i.

[ourhearts-onpaper]

your blue-green eyes have never looked so gray, i wonder what has made you enter this place, of wanting love and giving it all away, darling, don’t you know you’re more than a pretty face?

"he told me i was beautiful so i let him in. now i can't seem to rid him from my skin." -t.e.k.

[ourhearts-onpaper]

If you’re going to leave me, do it now. Don’t wait until you’ve become my everything. Don’t wait until the scent of your perfume has started to smell like home. Don’t wait until I feel an empty space in my bed when I sleep alone. Don’t wait until you’re not just my conscious thoughts, but my dreams too. If you’re going to leave me, do it now, do it quickly. Don’t lead me to believe we could be something extraordinary.

"If you say you're going to stay, please just stay." -m.i. and t.e.k.