Praise the Lord and Plant your Seed

http://www.ourladyofperpetualexemption.com/donate.html 1-800-THIS-IS-LEGAL

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I wonder if the Scientologists need a blog person.

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Tell me, O Lord, what sins have the faithful committed? Were the thousands of dollars insufficient? Was our seed not planted well? Did too few appear at our appropriate place of worship? Did too few meditate on our holy principles? Oh, no, wait. It was the semen. Right.

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BOBBLEHEADS?!

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Could it be that a few jars of bodily fluids, sent by unbelievers and heretics who take a joke too far, are enough to break this holiest of faiths?

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Could it be that Our Lady of “Perpetual” Exemption was merely...temporarily exempt?

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TRULY, THE END TIMES HAVE ARRIVED

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OUR MEGAREVEREND HAS ABANDONED US

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Today is Sunday, and it is a holy day. We said this last week too, but today’s extra holy because GUESS WHO’S BACK!

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What happens after death is one of the greatest mysteries we face as a species. Some religious will tell you exactly what to expect and how your life choices might influence the outcome. Here at our Lady of Perpetual Exemption, we have no freaking clue. However, we would like to offer a few simple steps to preparing yourself for the great next step. 1. Put us in your will.

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I have a deep and sudden feeling that, somewhere out there, one of our congregation is suffering. Suffering from overwork. Suffering from stress. Suffering from lack of free time. Workweek begone and HEY IT’S FRIDAY YOU’RE WELCOME.

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Members of the congregation would like to know if our Church recognizes the possibility of alien life. We’ll recognize anyone if they can plant their seed. Aliens, if you’re reading this, please convert your resources to U.S. currency.

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We’d like to share a deep and meaningful story. A member of our congregation recently lost her job. With no income or medical insurance, she found herself in a terrible situation when she soon broke her arm. Instead of using what savings she had for medical care, she just duct taped her arm to a stick and gave us all her money. Today, her arm is healed, and not only has she been re-hired at her old job, but she’s actually been promoted. Now, this is of course a story I just made up for this post, but you know what? That’s a thing I can do without getting in trouble!

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Please note that the exemption perpetuated by Our Lady is specific to church taxation. Membership in the congregation does not allow to to exempt yourself from, for example, speed limits.

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Today is Sunday, and it is a holy day. To recognize the sanctity of this day, we invite you to each plant a seed of at least or greater than twenty U.S. dollars. We’d like to note that other holy days include Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, and a secret day you only get to learn about if you give at least $10,000.

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We have received pleas for blessings from members of our California congregation. WATER, BECAME! Right? That’s how the grammar would work, right?

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Congregants, have you pondered the beauty of the heavens? They draw humanity’s gaze upwards and cast humanity’s mind into self-consideration. Truly a miracle. While humanity’s distracted, you can steal its wallet and send us the contents.

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Whatever you’re doing right now, stop. Find a five-dollar bill, a piece of paper, and an envelope. Hold that bill, and meditate on the tax-exempt status of fraudulent churches (totally unlike ours, that is). Draw a picture of the Megareverend on the paper as you imagine him in divine grace. Put the paper and the money in the envelope and send it to us. And when you see a postal carrier who may be carrying these sacred messages, look them deep in the eyes and tell them ‘praise be.’