Our Long Distance Love Story

The Everyday Struggles and Victories of our Long Distance Love

[ourlongdistancelovestory]

... 10 Day Visit in May ...

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[ourlongdistancelovestory]

... When is it the Right Time to Meet the Kids? ...

When I met T, I think that I found out that he had kids through one of the other classmates scything that he shared a story about the kids during happy hour.  This was, of course, before I started talking to him.  You may recall on an earlier post that I didn’t want to have children.  I, also, never wanted to date someone that had children, yet the fact that T had children didn’t even phase me.

T and I had agreed that he would introduce me to the children a little later on in our relationship.  I felt that the was a good decision because I didn’t want to meet the children in case T and I couldn’t get our relationship figured out.  

I am really nervous to meet the kids.  I don’t want the kids to dislike me and then that influence T’s view of me.  I mean, that’s pretty nerve wracking.  He has three boys.  One is 15 and the two are 11 (twins).  All boys.  What am I getting myself into?  First off, the kids are old enough not to be fooled or bribed.  Second, I am the first girlfriend that he’ll have introduced to his children.  

I'm 10 years younger than T and 15 years older than his oldest child.  I am literally in between them in age difference and I hope that they will take a liking to me.  I have decided that I need to get to know the children through T so that when the time comes, I’ll be able to relate to them... even just a little.  

We agreed that I would meet the kids in August.  August would be after 5 months of dating and 4 visits with one another.  We decided that we would know by then if we wanted to be together and if we would make if work.  I think that this is the best plan that we could have and take it one day at a time ...

[ourlongdistancelovestory]

... What’s the plan now? ...

So what’s the plan now? Where do we stand?  We just saw each other for the first time since training and it was such a nice visit.  But what now?  I live in Vancouver and he lives in Regina.  What were our plans? How did we see this playing out? Could this work?

T and I talked about this.   A Lot.  He has a lot more to give up in Regina but at the same time, I would have to give up a lot if I were to leave Vancouver too.  I guess when you enter a relationship, you hope that you make it work.  No one enters a relationship thinking that they’re going to break up.  So T and I discussed what our long term plan was.  

We know that we love one another and that we each make the other feel a sense of calm and happiness that we’ve never felt with anyone else and that we wouldn’t ever be able to accomplish on our own.  I know that my relationship with T is very special and one that I believe will last for as long as we both want it to work.

Our plan is that I will move to Regina for one year to be in a relationship together with him and see if this will work long term.  After my year with him in Regina, he would try to come out to Vancouver to relocate.  He has always wanted to live in Vancouver so I’ve just given him one more reason to.  I have told him that I will not give up anything in Vancouver for him and I will not compromise my career either and luckily, T is very supportive of that.  He knows that I want to be in HR and a lot of those roles are in Vancouver and there are not many in Regina.  I am so thankful that he is so understanding.

We have talked about the he moves to Vancouver what would happen with the children because I don’t want them to resent me if he decides to move here.  He stated that but the time we decide to relocate to Vancouver, the kids should be old enough to figure out what they want to do.  They could stay in Regina with his ex wife or they could come out to Vancouver and live with us.  This is all very new to us and it’s nothing that has been decided ... it’s just us talking and thinking it out. 

We’ve basically planned out our entire year together.  I will be going to see him again in May, he’ll come to me in June and July, and I’ll go back out there for the remained for the months until December, when I will try to take Leave with Income Averaging so that I can go see him for a longer period of time.

[ourlongdistancelovestory]

But if you tame me, then we shall need each other. To me, you will be unique in all the world. To you, I shall be unique in all the world.

Antoine de Saint-Exupéry, The Little Prince

[ourlongdistancelovestory]

... Our First Visit ...

After class ended in March, we had decided that we would see each other again in May but there was no hard set date.  I don’t know what I was thinking because after one week without him, I was missing him a lot.  So I took a day off work and went out to Regina for Easter Long Weekend.

It was so nice to see him! I was the first one off the flight and I saw him at the bottom of the escalators.  Let me tell you... my heart was beating fast and my palms sweaty.  

It was such a nice short visit.  I went to one of his comedy shows and I met most of his friends.  It was really nice to see him in his element and with his friends.  We were able to hang out too, on the last day just in his house.  It was nice to see what a “regular” day would look like for us.  

I can’t wait until the next time we see each other again!  I know that until then ... I will miss him.

[ourlongdistancelovestory]

Our First Visit … Easter Long Weekend

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https://youtu.be/zDLJUoSYNT4

[ourlongdistancelovestory]

... The Last Day of Training ...

On the last day of training, I was really sad.  I wanted to be able to spend more time with him.  We had had a discussion about perhaps entering into a long distance relationship but we hadn’t solidified it. 

After class, we decided that we would enter into a relationship and I would officially end my relationship with S.  I was no longer trying to work on things with S as I had discovered a new relationship with T.  It was going to be one of the hardest things that I had to come to terms with but T helped me realize that I didn’t want to be in a relationship with S.  

I have said in the past that even if T and I didn’t enter into a relationship, he helped me realize that S was not good for me and T helped me realize that there was a man out there that would care about me the way that I wanted to be cared about.  

When I said good bye to T, I was so sad.  I didn’t know when I would see him again but I knew that we were going into a long distance relationship.  

[ourlongdistancelovestory]

... He doesn’t want to get married again ...

I never want to get married,  I told him. I don’t want children either. 

This is perfect! He said. I don’t want to get married again and I already have the kids.

I never want to get married.  That’s what I told myself - through my relationship with S, with any of my previous relationships.  I, also, never wanted to have kids.  It was okay when my partners told me that they didn’t want it either.  I always thought: PERFECT!

When T told me that he didn’t want to get married again because he was pessimistic about it and didn’t think there was a point to it.  He said that he didn’t want to get married because it was just another thing and getting married doesn’t mean that the love will be forever. It hit me right in the gut and I was torn.  

Why, after knowing him for 1.5 weeks, was this statement affecting me so much?  Because I realized that he was someone that I could fall in love with ... but I knew that was impossible as we lived so far away from one another.   So, I told him that I felt sorry for whatever girl fell in love with him next because he should accept her love and want to be with her. Maybe she would want to get married to him and he would break her heart because he was so adamant on not being married.  I helped change his point of view on marriage that night and in a way, he changed mine.  I knew that if I could care about someone as much as I could care about him that I would love him and I would want to get married.  to someone.  That night, I realized that I was falling in love with him. 

He tells me now that, he realized at that exact moment, he realized that he loved me too.   

[ourlongdistancelovestory]

... The Beginning of Our Love Story ...

Our Love Story begins years before our paths would ever meet.  It is truly Serendipitous. Our paths could have crossed so many times over the course of ten years, but we didn’t meet until this year.

I accepted an assignment at work that would take me away from my actual job for 1 year.  I really didn’t want to take the new job but I figured that a new role would mean new skills that I would be able to use in the future for other opportunities.  Within 2 years, I had changed and accepted new positions and I figured what is one more?  Plus this assignment would only be for a year, so if I didn’t enjoy it ... I could go right back to where I was.

We started our training session at the beginning of March, a class of 15: 12 woman and 3 men all from different parts of Western Canada.  I noticed him, in the back of the class but I didn’t think anything of it.  I was still technically in a relationship with my boyfriend, S, at the time even though we had agreed to start dating other people. S had been on several dates and I had only been on two since January.  It was hard for me.  It felt wrong to loo at other men and be interested in them when S and I were still trying to work it out.  

The first week of classes was so boring.  On the Friday, we went out as a group for lunch and the guy in my class, T, was sitting diagonally across from me.  I hate small talk but I we had something in common.  We had both worked at the same place prior to joining this new team and so I thought I would go off of that to try and talk to him.  I said: So, you used to work at x right?! How did you like it? *while rolling my eyes* - because everyone who worked there, hated it and wanted to get out.  His response: it was alright.  Nothing really to complain about - and then he turned back to his friend.  WOW, I thought to myself, I guess I’m not as cute as I thought I was and I just brushed it off. Flirting sucks and dating sucks.  What made me thinking flirting with someone who lives 3 provinces over would be fun?  

There was this guy in our class, Barney (let’s call him that for his own sake).  He was ridiculous!  His sneezes sounded like they came out of a horse. His laughter was as if he’d never laughed before and he was just discovering how to laugh for the first time.  His life was full of unbelievably spectacular stories. He called our onsite visits, field missions. He was basically the reason that the entire class bonded and became friends with each other.  I was always dressed up for class and on one Monday, Barney decided that during lunch, he would go back to his hotel to change. He came back after lunch and someone asked him why he was so dressed up and he told them that he had a date after class. *insert the biggest eye roll ever*

At the end class as we were all getting ready to leave, I noticed that T was waiting outside the class.  As I walked out of the class, I noticed his eyes and he says with a huge smile on his face: Let me know how your date with Barney goes tonight.  My immediate response to him was: FUCK YOU! While laughing. I have no (ABSOLUTELY NO) filter - it’s probably going to get me into trouble one day.  But on this Monday, I caught T’s attention - and as he states now - I gave him the exact reaction that he wanted to get.  

I couldn’t get him out of my head that night.  His laugh, his smile, his teasing and his total acceptance of my FUCK YOU! That small interaction is basically the beginning of our love story.

I knew that I had to speak to him again and luckily we have instant messaging in our work systems.  So on the next day, he and Barney were both late to class and we started doing group work.  I went to the group that T was in and said: Way to be late, can you log into the program because I have something to say to you.  And laughed.  He looked at me and I think that he thought I was upset with him. But I’m just super sarcastic.  Once we got to our desks, he logged in and i typed to him: my date with Barney was amazing, so amazing that he came into class late today.  I could hear him laugh and he responded.  We spent the rest of the class talking to each other through our office messenger and at the end of the day, he gave me his number and asked me to message him.  

I wanted to message him right away.  Our entire work day was filled with talking, getting to know each other and not really any flirting.  It was so nice to talk to him all day, but I felt that I would really start to like him and so I felt that I needed to tell S about it.  I wanted to make sure that I was being 100% transparent.  What did S say you ask?  He said: That’s great, let me know how it goes.  Maybe he didn’t take me seriously or maybe he didn't feel threatened because T lived in SK but nonetheless, S didn’t fight for me to stay or try to talk me out of it.  I texted T that night, on my way home from work and we talked all night too, until 1 AM.  We spent the next two weeks talking during work and messaging every night.

Wednesday, he asked me to have lunch with him to get to know each other a little more and then after class, we went out for happy hour with a few classmates.  

Thursday, we went out to dinner and watched TV while we waited until he had to go to the airport to pick up his kids.  

Friday, we went out with colleagues after work for a few drinks and then he went back to the hotel for his kids while me and two other colleagues continued the night.  I started to miss him so I texted him to tell him that.  That was the night of our first kiss.  I didn’t even think about S that night or very much at all.  

That weekend, he spent it with his kids but he would text me every once in a while just to say hello and I couldn’t wait to see him again.  

The next week, T and I spent the week together, all day at work and every evening.  My best memories were riding the skytrain home together.  It was as if there was no one else left in the world except for us and the 45 minute train ride turned into a 5 minute one because it felt like there was no one else around us.  This was the beginning of our love story ...

[ourlongdistancelovestory]

And now here is my secret, a very simple secret: It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye.

Antoine de Saint-Exupéry, The Little Prince

[ourlongdistancelovestory]

... The Fall of a Relationship ...

I removed myself out of a truly toxic relationship with a narcissist.  It has been one of the longest breakups.  I should have broken up with him years ago. Being in a relationship with a narcissist is almost as bad as being in an emotionally abusive relationship.  It tore me up inside and I didn’t want to share my pain with anyone because I didn’t want him to be judged - but in reality, I didn’t want people to judge me.  I knew staying with him was unhealthy.

I had been in a relationship for the last 5 years with someone that I was no longer in love with but together because of convenience.   Convenient because he knew my family and my friends, convenient because we had our routine weeknights and weekends and convenient because I knew that we were good friends.  That’s all that matters in a relationship right?  Wrong.  That relationship was toxic.  It was toxic from the beginning and I was too love struck to think anything of it.  One of our first few nights together when I went back to his house ... he hollered at me to give his dog a treat while I was already on my way upstairs.  I said I would after I dropped something into the bedroom, and when I walked in, on his bed was another girl’s PJs.  He said: Stan, his dog, missed the smell of his ex girlfriend so he put her PJs on the bed.  I was dumb and accepted it.  Fast forward to Christmas, my favourite holiday ever and he said that he couldn’t spend Christmas with me ... but he would spend Christmas Eve with me.  The next time that I saw him, he had a gift from that “old” girlfriend in the shape of a photo album filled with pictures of the two of them and the dogs.  Again, I was naive and believed him when he said that had gotten that from this ex girlfriend because she had made it a while ago and thought he should have it.  

Fast Forward again, over the next five years, I would move in, we’d buy a place together, he would cheat on me (from the times I’ve found out) 5 times, I’d move out, buy my own place and we slowly drifted apart.  We agreed that we would try to make it work but we would see other people and see if we were better off apart...and it just seems that the last year of our relationship, I was just waiting for the end to come.  I was no longer invested in the relationship.  I was giving him more love than I would ever get in return and I was starting to realize that.  Also, what REGULAR relationship is like: let’s see other people but try to make it work?  

I was such a happy person.  People who know me will always say that I am always smiles and laughter.  Over the past 3 years, many of those smiles and laughter were fake.  I had to pretend to be happy because I didn’t want people to worry about me.  I should have trusted that my friends would be there for me and that I shouldn’t hide what made me nervous and embarrassed.  But I know that some issues are meant to be private.  I'm sure that I don’t know about all my friends and their issues with their partners. But I needed help and I didn’t let anyone in.  

I say that the relationship was emotionally abusive because it was.  He made me feel like I wasn’t worth it and being with him was the best thing that would ever happen to me.  His words: It’s easy for me to go out and find women, but you’re lucky that I’m just too lazy to try.  I mean ... what strong independent woman allows someone to talk to them like that?  He broke down my confidence and my self worth.  I was never beautiful, I was just cute.  I was never smart, I was dumb. Whenever I had my own opinion that was not his, I was being an argumentative bitch.  How could I not see it?  He told me many times that he was incapable of love BUT he cared about me a lot and more than anyone he’s ever cared about.  That made me feel so good, like I was better than all the other girlfriends. 

I didn’t realize that he was a narcissist until I started to research it.   I would read many articles about men that are toxic, narcissists, sociopaths and uncaring. (Edit April 17: 5 Signs You’re Dating a Narcissist - This article has opened my eyes more). In one of these articles, it said that: No one knows the true him other than you - which says that basically he would act like the very best person possible in front of peers and family but at home, he was different.  And this was true for my relationship.  Often times, my mother would invite us out and I knew that if I asked him for her, he would make me come up with some excuse because he wouldn’t go.  But, I knew that if my mother asked him directly, he would say yes, he would complain about it to me, but he would go to it because he said yes.

His outward persona was that of a friendly, outgoing and funny guy... it is no wonder that my friends and family didn’t understand when we broke up why I would break up with him.  My mistake has been that i’ve kept the issues to myself.  I’ve learned from that. 

I guess you can say that this was an unconventional and unhealthy relationship and I never should have stayed in it for as long as I did. You live, you laugh and you love but you need to learn from your mistakes.  Because of my failed relationship with him, I have learned what I need in a partner, what real friendships should look like and what a real relationship should be like.  

He broke my heart, but he broke it 3 years ago and I was grasping to find the love that I once had.