I L(ove/oathe) You All @ouroborosofhypocrisy - Tumblr Blog

051 - GARFTRIO - This FAT CAT 3 PACK only emerges from their nap bed when they smell LASAGNA. They don’t do anything to DESERVE THE LASAGNA, but they expect to be GIVEN THE LASAGNA because they are MILLENNIALS.

Like this horrible creep? Grab a sticker of it!

GARFEMON by Shawn Bowers - Instagram // Tumblr

just-shower-thoughts

I always feel like an asshole when I haven’t reached out to a friend I haven’t talked to in a long time… But then I realize that they never reached out to me either…..

just-shower-thoughts

I’m not sure if I’m an introvert or an asshole

Living Alone

Pros: your own bathroom, some gatdam peace and quiet Cons: depression echo chamber

I took our incumbent senator out recently for peanut butter flavored oreos It was a nice goober nut oreo candy date with a gubernatorial candidate

#bad puns #puns #word play #help

acornfriend

ambivert comics

alittlepup-deactivated20160306

the sun doesn’t have to go to college bc it already has 28 million degrees

classical-musicians-love-metal

This is one of the most intellectual puns I’ve ever read

ouroborosofhypocrisy

Once there was a small kingdom hidden in a mountain valley. This kingdom, which was called Condria, was incredibly wealthy from the numerous mines which dotted the sides of the valley. This incredible mineral wealth was protected by artillery garrisons stocked with gunpowder and cannons, and the largest of these powder houses was kept in the dungeon cells under the king's castle. Thus, Condria enjoyed relative safety from outside forces.

Not all was peaceful, however. The king's power hungry brother looked at Condria, and saw great power in its natural resources and military arsenal, and coveted the throne for himself. After years of silently stewing in his jealousy, the brother fled Condria with a company of fellow conspirators, and went around to the high courts of Condria's enemies, and promised their kings and queens a share of the valley kingdom's wealth in exchange for military assistance. Soon, the usurper and Condria's enemies had a great and powerful army ready to storm the valley and install the brother on the throne.

The day of invasion came, and the usurper's army attacked quickly and without warning. The sudden offensive by such a large army overwhelmed the outermost powderhouse garrisons, and so the army swept like a storm through valley, and began its final approach on the castle largely unscathed.

With victory almost at hand, the usurper urged his forces onward towards the castle. What he didn't realize was that his brother began to prepare for the invasion as soon as he saw his brother had left the kingdom, and had spent all the intervening time before the attack concentrating his military arsenal in the castle dungeon.

As the usurper army advanced on the castle, the full power of the dungeon powder house was unleashed, and cannon fire ripped from hidden holes in the castle embankment, and bombs rained down from the walls. The invaders, who had all been corralled together by the walls of the valley, were no match for the castle's destructive power. Fire rained down on the army from above and the ground spat cannon balls at their feet, and within minutes the once great army was reduced to mangled corpses and desperately fleeing deserters.

As for the would-be usurper, one of his legs was taken by a cannon ball, and he was mortally wounded by a bomb shortly after. It was as he lay dying in the dirt that he realized the true might of the kingdom was not in the mineral resources he had desired, or even in the artillery garrisons which he had so easily seized.

In his final moments, as darkness closed in around him he looked up at the castle, and recognized that Condria's strength was concentrated in exactly one location. Thus, with his dying breath, he whispered his revelation to the carnage which surrounded him:

"The might of Condria is the powder house of the cell."

stolentweets

whatsfreebaseandwhatsfreeabouti

Omfg this is of that kid he looks exactly the same

firequacker

♪♫ Old MacDonald had…

…enough.

vortexsophia-deactivated2022110

kaaramel

ok so there was a post going around awhile back about how a written description of most far side comics would sound like a shitpost and i hear what you’re saying but i’d like you to consider the following:

nedroidcomics

Enjoy this comic today, and today only.

Website - Patreon

isometric-space-deactivated2019

Pi. Made with isometric.

ambermaitrejean

theneedledrop-deactivated202304

Hey bro. Long time fan here. Was just wondering why are you such a SJW vegan pussy?

Because my parents raised me right.

lumpbiscuit-deactivated20130327

my parents aren’t teaching me life lessons.

#i need some adults to TEACH ME SHIT ABOUT LIFE

flutterjedi-deactivated20140413

I’m an adult.

thatsnicebutimmarried

Some shit about life, from a bonafide adult:

even if you get along great with your family you will get along even better with them after moving out

generic is almost always just as good as name brand. But there are some things you never buy generic, including: peanut butter, ketchup, liquid NyQuil, Chips-Ahoy chewy chocolate chip cookies

just imagine the person on the other end of the phone hates talking on the phone as much as you do. Even a receptionist. I worked as one and I hate talking on the phone

at least once in your life you will go to Wal-mart to buy something under $20 like an ironing board or something and your debit card will get rejected. No one will judge. Everyone at some point in their lives has had $2.98 in their bank account.

thrift stores

everyone else is too busy panicking about everyone else noticing every tiny thing that could possibly be wrong about them to notice any tiny thing that could possibly be wrong about you

you will screw up. a lot. you live and you learn. and when you start to think too hard about that embarrassing thing that happened and how you wish you could change it, just tell yourself that what’s done is done. There’s no changing it, so just forget it and move on. It’s the only way to stay sane.

do the dishes before the sink grows its own ecosystem

you can’t put Dawn dishsoap in the dishwasher.

if you are the only one in the aisle at the grocery store, and you need to get from one end to the other without even looking at anything in that aisle, then you should totally cart-surf down the aisle. Growing old is mandatory. Growing up is optional. Hold on to the little things. They make all the difference.

never try to make cake from scratch at 3am. You end up with a topographical map of Middle Earth.

15% tip.

the best way to get money for food is to tell your grandparents about how you basically live on microwaved mac and cheese. Their horror may result in twenty bucks and orders to go out and get yourself “a real dinner”.

sometimes life sucks, and knowing that it might get better doesn’t always make it suck any less, but you’ll never get to the non-sucky days without enduring the suckiness.

no seriously, NEVER put Dawn in your dishwasher

250darkstars

Do not buy generic brand spaghetti sauce either.

Always check the type of light bulb that goes in lamps. A 60w is not interchangeable with a 40w.

Dollar store batteries work just as well as store brand.

shrineart

Reward yourself from time to time when you do things that you needed to get done. It’s a good way to remind yourself to do them. Going out to pay a bill? Get Starbucks or something you don’t get often. Rewards don’t have to be huge, they can be small things like that.

Rice, pasta, flour, sugar, cheese, eggs, milk, a pack of chicken, a pack of frozen veggies and a well stocked spice cabinet go a long way food-wise. Splurge and get the biggest container of rice you can. You don’t have to go back and buy it again anytime soon and it makes a TON of meals in the meantime.

Rice can be cooked on the stove. You don’t need a fancy rice cooker. Two parts water to every one part rice (two cups water for one cup of rice for example). Get your water boiling, add rice, put a plate or lid on it, put it on low for 20 minutes. It should be done.

Keep a calendar on your pc of bill due dates. If your bills are set up at inconvenient times, like all of the services started on the first or something, then call up the company and find out if you can get your billing date switched to something more manageable. A lot of places do try to work with you.

There is no shame in calling a company and asking for an extension on a bill. Let them know what you can pay, pay that amount, and they arrange when the rest of the payment is required. This can stop you from having services shut off man. It shows responsibility on your part.

Take time to eat, even when you don’t feel like eating. Your body needs energy to live.

Wash or rinse your dishes before putting them in the dishwasher. It prevents gross caked on junk.

“The Works” is an excellent cheap toilet cleaner.

MAGIC. FUCKING. ERASERS. THEY WORK ON EVERYTHING JUST DON’T SCRUB HARD. I took the ring out of our bathtub with one. Also generic ones work just as well.

Keep some bleach around but if you use it for cleaning? Dillute it. There’s rarely ever a case where you need to pout straight bleach on anything. A cap full or two in a bucket of water works just fine.

DO NOT MIX CLEANERS. Chemical reactions are can be very dangerous. Here’s a good list. (Note that vinegar and baking soda can actually be a good combo for removing smells from things but it’s not very good at actually -cleaning-.)

If you drink? Don’t take meds at the same time it’s just not good.

Make sure you check the dosages on your pill bottles. No one wants to accidentally overdose on cough syrup or ibuprofen.

If you have a uterus make sure you have a heating pad and ibuprofen on hand for the pain. Hot baths also generally help and Ginger Tea is excellent for any nausea.

Buy a first aid kit. It’s worth it in the long run.

You can often do your taxes online at places like TurboTax.

Here’s some good sex ed resources because I had to explain what a yeast infection was recently.

Petroleum jelly (aka Vaseline) is good for chapped lips and you can get a decent sized tube or tub of it (generic brand version) for cheaper/same price as Chapstick.

KEEP TRIPLE ANTIBIOTIC OINTMENT IN YOUR HOUSE FOR CUTS AND SCRAPES AND SORES.

~~Medications~~

Over the counter medications (stuff you can buy right off the shelf no prescription needed) have a name brand and a generic name. ALWAYS buy generic if it’s available it is literally the same thing and way cheaper usually.

Some names to remember when you’re looking for meds!

Acetaminophen = Tylenol

Used to treat pain and reduce fever. Do not take with Ibuprofen.

Ibuprofen = Advil, Midol, Motrin

Used for pain and fever, is an anti-inflammtory. Is good for period cramps because it is an NSAID (non-steroidal anti-inflammatory drug).

Naproxen = Aleve, Naprosyn

Treats fever, pain, arthritis pain, gout, period cramps, tendinitis, headache, backache, and toothache. Is also an NSAID.

Acetaminophen + Asprin + Caffeine = Excedrin

Usually marketed as “Migraine Relief” as a generic.

Asprin = Bayer

Use for pain, fever, arthritis, and inflammation. Makes you bleed easily so should not be used for periods. Might reduce risk of heart attacks.\

Triple Antibiotic Ointment = Neosporin

Used on cuts, sores, and scrapes to reduce risk of infection and promote healing.

Also a general mutli-vitamin isn’t a bad idea and if you don’t get a lot of fruits or milk/sunshine in your diet you might want to get vitamins C and D specifically for daily use.

kiokushitakaa

if you do accidentally lapse and put dawn in your dishwasher, run it empty and put hair conditioner where the detergent goes. that’ll clean it out (tip given to me by dorm custodian when roommate did the thing).

if you live off ramen, add stuff to it! add veggies you like, don’t use the whole flavor packet to cut down on sodium and msg or don’t use it at all and add your own spices.

if you’re making something with potatoes in it (beans, stew) potatoes are done when you can easily stab a fork through them.

you can microwave a hotdog as long as you put it in a microwave safe container of water. microwaves work by making water molecules vibrate. also, when reheating rice leftovers, add a small amount of water, like maybe a spoonfull, so it doesn’t get hard and crunchy.

the rice cooking advice above is for long grain rice. if you’re making short or medium grain rice, a 1:1 ratio (one cup water for one cup rice) is better, so the rice doesn’t come out too mushy.

buy a few cans of chicken. wholesale club stores like sam’s, costco, or bj’s tend to carry multipacks for a good price. they’re incredibly useful for when you forget to defrost meat.

buy meat on sale and put it in the freezer. buy vegetables on sale, and put them in the freezer. frozen veggies are often as flavorful and good as fresh ones, keep longer, and often come in microwaveable bags or with microwave directions.

soak ink stains in milk to help get them out or at least lighten them.

soak blood stains in water as soon as possible, with a bit of detergent or stain remover. scrub at them. use cold water, heat binds proteins to fabric. tbh, there’s no real need to change the washer from cold-cold setting unless the thing you’re washing says to wash in warm water.

acetone, found in most nail polish removers, dissolves super glue.

cloningmycat

YOU’RE ALL DOING GOD’S WORK BLESS YOU

lifelovebooksnshit

Takes pictures, have prints made and put them in photo albums. Be IN the pictures, have someone take pictures of you and your friends. Get over not looking perfect in thw picture. Someday that friend might be gone and those pictures might be all you’ll have, you will want to be in them. I made that mistake with my best friend, i always felt weird asking for a picture together… he died of cancer January of 2014 and now i have no pictures of us together. Its my only regret in life.

boasamishipper

This is really helpful, thank you all!

batsandhatsinunderland-deactiva

I’m the newest of new adults but I’m gonna throw these little tips in there. IF YOU HAVE AN OLD CAR:

-coolant or water if your car overheats (coolant is preferable cause it won’t hurt the engine in the long run but hey i know money is tight)

-flashlight in case you break down at night and need to check under the hood and your phone is dead

-SPARE TIRE.

-jumper cables.you will at some point leave your lights on. you just will.

AAA or any other road side service is never a bad investment i swear. (try to mooch it off your parents as long as you can though)

shipperqueen93

Know how to change a tire. You’re going to need to do it at some point in time and you can’t always rely on someone else to do it for you.

Don’t be afraid to go to your local food bank. They are there for a reason.

Don’t be ashamed to ask for help period. Life is hard, everyone needs help occasionally.

woodelf68

You can put a LOWER wattage bulb in a lamp that says it’s for a higher one, but don’t put a HIGHER wattage bulb in. Also, watts refer to the amount of electricity used. LUMENS refers to the amount of light put out, and can vary quite a bit between brands, even though the wattage is the same. Look for the one with the highest lumens unless you actually want a slightly dimmer bulb in a certain location. Those dollar store batteries? Fine if they’re alkaline. “Heavy-duty” batteries, however, won’t last nearly as long. You can microwave a hot dog and bun simply by wrapping them in a toweling for a minute, less if you don’t want them scalding hot.

blue-pixiedust

Reblogging to save lives.

faranae-moved

Two adulting (kitchen-related) tips from me!

1. Buy a roll of parchment paper from the cooking shit aisle. A big roll will last you for-fucking-ever. Pretty much any time you’re using a baking pan you can line it with that stuff and save yourself A: food sticking to the pan and B: it’s a quick rinse and it’s clean.

2. Bread can get fucking expensive, so make your own. A bigass bag of flour and a bag of active dry yeast (store it in the friiiiidge!!!) works out a FUCK of a lot cheaper than buying bread at the store, and you can do so much more with it. Bread, pizza, rolls, cinnibuns, homemade pizza pockets. It seems intimidating but it’s stupid easy.

Seriously. It’s stupid simple to make, and most of the “3 hours” to make it is sitting around surfing the internet or doing whatever the fuck you want while the dough rises. If you have an afternoon free once a week to sit and play video games or surf the net, you have the time to make your own bread on the cheap. Here’s my simple-as-fuck recipe:

2 ¼ teaspoons active dry yeast (You can buy a bag of this stuff CHEAP in bulk stores, the little packets are hella stupid priced) 1 cup warm water (think a hot bath) 1 ½ teaspoons sugar 2 tablespoons oil (any kind works for the most part) 2 ¼ cups flour 1 teaspoon salt

1. Stir the yeast, water, sugar, and oil up in a bowl. Let it sit for about 10 minutes. It will foam up VERY high, this is the yeast getting happy! If it doesn’t get all foamy, the water may have been too hot or not hot enough. Remember, Yeast is alive! Treat it like a nice girlfriend!

2. Mix your flour, salt, and the yeast concoction up in a bowl.

3. Knead that shit for about 5 minutes. It will start sticky as heck, but will come together into a nice dough. If it’s still super sticky, toss in a bit more flour. Here’s how to knead it:

4. Put your dough in a covered, lightly oiled bowl and leave it someplace warmish for an hour. At that point it will have roughly doubled in size, give it a gentle punch to release the gasses that have built up inside. Cover it again and let it sit for a bit longer.

Boom. You have bread dough. Here are some baking times and uses for ya:

Optional egg-wash: Just crack an egg into a bowl, add a pinch of salt, and mix the bejeebus out of it with a fork. Brush (or if you’re like me, goop it on with said fork) that shit thinly on bread before baking for a nice crust.

Pizza: Stretch it on a pan, stab the fucker all over with a fork, add toppings, bake 425*F 15-20 minutes.

Bread Sticks: Make snake-shapes, let rest on pan 10-ish minutes, bake 400*F 10-20 minutes.

Dinner rolls: Make ball-sized (yes those balls) balls. Place on greased pan, let rest 10-20 minutes to rise. Egg-wash and bake 375*F 25 minutes.

Bread: Lightly score (cut) the top, let sit for 20-ish minutes on/in whatever you’re using to bake it, egg-wash, bake at 375*F for 20-ish minutes. It’s done when it sounds hollow if you knock on the bottom.

You bet your ass you can deep-fry this shit for cheapie yeast doughnuts. Roll that shit in sugar or dip it in whatever, it’s fucking tasty.

Bagels: YES. YOU. CAN. Form bagel-shapes out of the dough and boil them in salty water for about 2 minutes. Egg-wash them and bake them at 400*F for 10 minutes.

Cinnamon Rolls: Roll that shit out into a rectangle. Brush it with a mix of butter, cinnamon, sugar, and a pinch of salt (no exact amounts here, do it to your taste). Roll it up into a log, and cut it into discs. Let them sit 20 minutes in a pan and then bake at 375*F 15-17 minutes.

You can add whatever you want to the dough for some variety, just if it’s dried spices remember you really only need 1-ish tablespoons. I personally like making bread with about 1 tablespoon of dill in the dough. Roll it out flat, sprinkle it with cheddar, roll it into a log, squeeze the ends shut, and bake it like a regular loaf of bread. Cheesy dill bread OMNOMNOM.

*ahem* That got a bit long. But yeah. Bread’s expensive, yo. Save your wallet.

(Also it’s ridiculous amounts of therapeutic to bake, for me anyway)

tempestcaliban

Being able to bake your own bread is pretty awesome, if you got the time for it.

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