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Please let me be your sibling I really need to be your favorit relative-person Neither he or she but they and every song is not about me Every film is not about me if not subcultural cathegorized gay and only sometimes helping I need to hear you treat me right from the right I see in sight I need not too much but at a great cost Sometimes I don't know and I need you to be sure of Me when I'm uncertain A curtain of regret doesn't cloud my eyes but I dare you to understand my beautiful complexity Let's go

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day and night 2 by larovocdemadera Stgo Under Crew on Flickr.

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Marty Martin #20

I'm starting T tomorrow! After watching so many youtube videos I'm still nog sure I'm well prepared to go through this physical transition and aware of the actual time it'll take for all the changes I so long for to come. I mean I'm prepared as in ready, but of course excited over how it'll all effect me. What will happen when I start to pass and still haven't done top surgery? How will people treat me differently? How will cis-fags react when they realize I have vagina?

[authentic-boredom]

Three Of The Possessed

[clairechristersonblog]

Respect The People, summer 2012

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Marty Martin #19

I'm lying awake unable to sleep though I'm really tired. Lots of thoughts are twirling around about friends being sure they're trans and others being not so sure and how I'm letting it all affect me. I realize it's very important to me to feel understood (which I am in most cases) and to feel that I'm not alone in this process. I don't know how I'd manage without the great support of my close friends. And when they then hesitate in something where we've earlier bonded maybe it's understandable that I do too. I let my insecurity get to me and doubt grows stronger. Sure I doubt! I'm making a huge life altering decision, It'd be weird not to try every thought, look at it in every angle. But so far my decision lies. I'll go through transition then maybe I'll stop taking T or continue for the remaining part of my life. Maybe I'll continue to doubt, but when remembering that I'm both cis and trans, I'm genderfluid, then it feels great again.

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Martin Viktor Francis #18

It's interesting to hear about how my friend who started T a while ago experiences a huge difference in how people behave around him. Or interesting is isn't the right word, more horrifying. I guess I'll experience something similar once I start taking T and things start changing.

He describes how people tend to listen more to what he says, take him more seriously and expect him to act or say something, makes room for his opinion. This is patriarchy acting. People being read as women aren't equally listened to and if women* speaks up they're often seen as angry feminists and are soon put of for having hairy armpits and hating men.

It's interesting, again, to have been part of a (white middleclass) feminist movement which springs from an essential idea about the woman and have taking part in the sisterhood trying to take pride in my, the one of two optional, sex(es). But I'm not female, whatever that means (and it can certainly mean a lot), I'm trans. I'm genderfluid and genderqueer and I've struggled all my life to fit into a cis-linear-binary, but I don't. Still I'm going to start taking T, get top-surgery and continue to identify fluidly, pansexually and confront the hierarchies as ever I've done.

But I'm also lazy. I can afford (economically, socially, culturally) to rest. To have my queer and safer spaces. To integrate my family in my trans process and still be safe, be loved. To be open at work. These things are of great privilege. And being trans and passing as a man will, relatively speaking, put me in a position where I get a lot, loose a little. And I fear what I get and how I'll handle that and mourn what I'll miss and be excluded of.

This is going to be an interesting journey.

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Marty Martin #17

I'm meeting the therapist/psycologist today for the first time and I'm pretty nervous. Afraid I'll say something that gets turned the wrong way, that my mood today isn't that good and that I won't seem to want this enough. But I do, don't I?

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Marty Martin #16

Crazy horses alot of things have happened. I've now finally chosen my names: Martin Viktor Francis. I can still be called Marty, but as the nick name it's always been.

I'm out at work and in school. My parents are doing research to better understand trans and are coming to a meeting on the 10th of june to meet my doctor and therapist. My body dysphoria is worse then ever and closeness and romantic encounters troublesome. I'm thinking alot about my feminist history and my future feminism and how I'll make strategies to not slip into stereotypical male behavior once I pass fully as a male. I'm quite sad that I'll be excluded of sisterhood, even though I always felt I was there on borrowed time. I'm swimming alot at the time and avoiding to think about gender linearity and how easy things are when I pass as something and when people don't have to deal.

I promote siblizenship!

I'm really confused around what attracts me. I've been seeing people of all kinds both boys' and girls* and in-betweens but mainly cis-gendered girls and trans-gendered boys. Now I feel a tendency of beeing drawn towards cis-boys and am scared of how big acceptance will be. And right now I'm sorry that I'm in the believe that no one would understand me and/or read me right. So I don't go there. Also I'm working on some personal stuff so seeing someone could be a bad idea.

Coming to terms with feeling genderqueer and gender fluid rather then a man and still wanting to transition. Awareness around masculinity and what comes with being read male are on my mind. For example I'm working on the male eye, how I'm looking at things, mainly women* and femininity. How my eyes are automatically drawn to breasts, legs, ass, waists etc. I refuse to objectify or at least I want to refuse. Everything seems made for the male eye, fashion non the least. This seems really important to me. I'm not trying to be a "good guy", I'm just trying to be a decent human being.

Lots of love!

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Elias #6

A friend told me the other day that she's told her parents about me being trans and that her parents got excited about it cos they think "people like me are exotic".... I am exotic. In some way I can't help but laugh about it. In some other way it hurt when she said that, ofcourse. According to wikipedia exoticism is "the charm of the unfamiliar", it has been used as a word by imperalists and colonialists to describe colonialized cultures and bodies (and ofcourse it's still used for that purpose), "the representation of one culture for consumption by another". The point here is not to equate me with non-white persons who's oppressed by western capitalists. It's just interesting how the word can be used. "The charm of the unfamiliar", no I don't exist to fucking charm you. Transpersons does not exists to amuse the cis-society. The best thing to do for oneself in my opinion, and problably the hardest thing to do, is to define who you are. You don't need to be 100 % about who you want to be, but if you just try to define who you are, people can't hurt you as easily. Define yourself and their words won't be able to get to you.(this is not my own thoughts from the beggining.... read Audre Lorde.)

I love early mornings.. Best time of the day.   

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Marty Martin #15

Everytime I talk to a transperson that confirms my story I'm so relieved. It's not a possibility to live as trans if you're not aware of people already doing it or the trans activism going because the only proof of trans in the "normal" society is that it's either weird, non existing or freaks.

If I knew that my life would be good, that I'd be happy (which too often is based on normal beliefs of happiness like house, partner, pets, wealth) I wouldn't hesitate going trough medical transition. I'm not sure I'll be happy as it is now, if I'd stay in this body and be perceived as a woman. No one is I guess. But it's damn easier if you don't have to deal with being weird, non existing or a freak all of the time. Which you're not of course. Which I'm not.

So it seem really important to have good trans allies and support from the trans community to go through all this. I'm glad because I have really good friends that support me. Still I'm afraid that I'll get misunderstood, that I'm doing the wrong thing and that I'll regret things. If there were no transphobia in the world, not from outside or within, I wouldn't hesitate. I wouldn't be scared to get lonely. I'd be proud of who I am, not because I'm trans or not trans, I'd only be proud, period.

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Marty Martin #14

The second support group meeting was much better! I vented my feelings from last time about the structures and how only a few people was talking etc. Then we wrote a lot of things on a white board, things we wanted to talk about, and a lot of things came up, a lot of interesting things. We ended up talking about masculinity and femininity and how you're forced to chose or balance between the two. Especially when dealing with the ts-healthcare. Then we talked about changing styles through time and coming out in different ways. Over all a really good meeting and I'm glad I went.

I've been dealing with depression lately (and often before) and really have to make my life work if I'm to transition medically. I'm skeptical to medicine being my solution. I would like to find other ways and strategies to feel good. I've been on meds before and felt really bad, at the same time more stable. It effects my thoughts on transition in the way that when I'm low everything seems useless and absurd, also me myself and being trans os cis or whatever. So everything's kind of disturbed and I have to take all the hard decisions again which is really though. I feel better right now, luckily my low periods go from two to four days a time or so. 

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Elias numero 5

Last week I had an appointment with my doctor who is the person in charge for giving me the diagnosis (transsexualism). The meeting went pretty good, and she said that I will problably get the diagnosis in april. But at the end of the meeting she asked me if I wanted to participate in a study that one of her colleagues is doing. The study is neurological and is intended to study transsexual's brains, and I don't know, watch if they differ from cis-person's brains, or something. When my doctor saw that I wasn't sure about how to answer she said that if I agreed to participate in this study she could "make things go a bit faster" for me.......... Okey so, what does she mean by this? Can she give me the diagnosis a bit faster? Or testosterone? Or what?.. So I said that I could participate, kinda.. But really I don't want to contribute to studies of this kind (I really think we should focus on something else than try to find out if transbrains is different from cisbrains.). The reason that I said I could participate is this= I want testosterone as fast as possible, I don't want to wait anymore.. 

The real problem is= Assholes like my doctor is in charge of other peoples lifes. And it sucks. Because they're assholes. When you have a person's life in your hands, you can pretty much make them do anything if that means that they could get the things they need to live their lifes.

I'm not going to participate in some fucking study that supports cis-conservative thoughts about what gender is. If that means I have to wait on diagnosis and T, so be it. (I really don't think my a-hole doctor can do anything to make things go faster or slower in this process. Or at least I hope not.)

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Marty Martin #13

I put my hair in a ponytail yesterday and it felt good. I put my breasts in a binder yesterday and that too felt good. Does what I do count as signs for my gender confusion or are they just constructions of a silly world (where things are read as feminine or masculine). How do I become certain of this? I do feel good thinking of myself as a boy. I feel good thinking of myself as non-existing too, but I don't want to go there. I'm in fear of making a wrong decision, maybe I should wait some more. Can I? Can I wait to have my breasts removed, my voice deepened and my body hairier? I know I have to do something. I'm in limbo and it's not a pretty place. I know I'm the only one who can know this. That can know weather or not to medically transition. Sometimes it feels like since I both experience myself as an in-between/boy (fluidly) and have body dysphoria I must be transgender and there's no use in fighting against it. I tell myself it's my internalized transphobia and maybe it is. And maybe it's not. Most often I feel I'm in a good place and have a good direction and that being perceived as a man will make more sense to my being in the world. But I'm scared too.

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Marty Martin #12

I was disappointed at the meeting yesterday. The support group had lots of flaws and I caught myself missing more political environments with radical ideas on gender construction and alternative trans story lines as well as democratic methods. I can't blame the people in the meeting, they're doing the best they can but I can't keep from being elitist and thinking I know better. I realized I've really thought this trough and continued being a feminist and critical on gender stereotypes and that's not anything to take for granted. Not in this group anyway. I'm thinking maybe I'll be better of somewhere else where I can be part of interesting discussions, instead of trying to turn back from what from my point of view looks like a wrong turn all the time. Maybe it'll get better and we've only got six more times ahead. We'll se...

But I realize that people in general doesn't consider things as political. Doesn't consider themselves political. Didn't I know this already? It feels new and I won't creep back to my safe spaces, but maybe I'll change up. When you once oped your eyes there's no turning back we sang in our surf-rock band Moonmilk in high school and this is true still and my eyes were opened a long time ago. Maybe that's why I feel so depressed. Maybe that's from where all the pressure is coming. Maybe it's worth it. If I am to be seen as a man I'll have to start taking a new kind of responsibility. My privileges increases and I have to think about and make strategies with this knowledge. I hope this will be a topic in my support group, otherwise I'll make it one. Sometimes it's good to be somewhere where you're not just expected to think a certain way and that it's supposed to be the same as everyone else (thinking about leftist groups). Maybe this support group will make my own opinions more clear to me and help me pronounce ideas and beliefs. I hope so!

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Marty Martin #11

Hello pretty people!

I've had my third meeting with the trans-team and it consisted mostly of me explaining my depressions and bipolar tendencies. I've been feeling a bit strange around transitioning, like questioning if I'm doing it for the right reasons. I'm kind of isolated from the society at large, I move in a few spaces only and every time I go outside of my comfort zone I get confused and horrified and scared and surprised. So I'm thinking I should do this more because I want to be part of society and I want to be an activist of some sort, so I want to be able to better orientate myself. If i feel I can't be a part of groups or work or social stuff like going out to dance or whatever, then it's kind of hard to know what to expect when transitioning. I am transitioning from something to something else, but it's like I don't really know who I am in society so it's difficult to see myself "becoming" my true self.

Tonight I'm going to a support meeting within RFSL for transsexuals within the health care system. That's a good start I guess. Let's see how it goes...

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Marty Martin #10

Sometimes I meet people who in some way challenge social gender and think that changing you body to better fit (something, anything) is wrong. (Like biology's something holy you oughtn't mess with) That I'm in the same position as someone wanting a boob-job or a liposuction, that I'm not changing because of me, but because of society and it's rules saying you should look this and that. I can't really argue with this. I'm a part of society and I want to change to feel better about myself. I feel wrong and think I'd feel better if changing my body. That I've always felt bad about my body doesn't lessen the argument, because we're all born into an oppressive society where everyone feels wrong at some point, especially people socialized women (or non-white, crip, working-class etc). The people who doesn't fit societies box about the best way to be are always punished. They see all this. Still I want to do this and they don't understand at all. I want to change, knowing all this. I'm not changing up here (finger to forehead). I just can't go on like this pretending nothing's wrong. I feel quite strongly that living is absurd and has no point, and then I could just as well do my best living the way I want. But it's damn hurtful being surrounded by cis-normativity. It's hurtful when people take away any possibilities to be different by saying that everyone's unique, no one should change, just reclaim what you have. It's hurtful when these people are someone close to me.