Overcome...Endure

Pushing demons away, questioning my reality, daring to be different, and aiming to become a better version of my reality.

[maeda-mic]

「SBY/PORT NO.20」

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Salad Dressing 101…

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[overcame-endured]

Trying. Still trying. Still failing. My wife and I went camping over the week with my parents. It was a family vacation. It was hot, there was fish, and overall a great time. However, dealing with tents and family also meant that there was no close time for the two of us. That equaled a week of built up sexual frustration. Meaning, when we got home afterwards, it'd be time for just us. I played around all week, teasing about being home and enjoying each other. Each day I received zero reaction from my wife. Tonight, being home from the trip, we showered together. My immediate thought was that we would enjoy one another after the shower. However, I stepped out to see my wife putting clothes on. I inquired. "I just need to rest." It's 8:00 PM. She tried to apologize, but it's the same line every day; either she's tired, not feeling well, etc...Additionally, she led me on, never turning away the idea of sex today. It's now 10:00 PM. She's been asleep for two hours, and I've given up. I'm so frustrated and disheartened. My wife doesn't take care of herself, and also has zero sex drive. At the same time I'm expected to have pure thoughts, avoid pornography, and just wait patiently. Double. Standard. Another quiet night...

[overcame-endured]

I'm trying. I swear I'm trying. Question: What do you do when your significant other has stopped caring about their looks? I feel so mixed about that question. Do I love my wife? Absolutely. I'd do anything for her in a heartbeat. With that said; I run, lift, exercise, am just active all the time because I want to visually be appealing to her. She doesn't move. Refuses to run, lies about exercising, and through her own words, 'am the heaviest I've ever been...'. I told you that I love my wife. At the same time I can't justify the reality that she refuses to take care of her body. Her mother is ten years younger than my mother, but she's currently in nursing care because of her health...solely due to obesity. God talks about being healthy. Taking care of your body. Even being visually pleasing to your spouse. Again, I don't know what to do. What's frustrating is knowing that she dropped a lot of weight two years ago. She saw the results, I saw the results, and then she just stopped. I want my wife to not fear the mirror. I want to have photos of my wife (she currently refuses photos because of how she looks). We've been married three years; I want to finally see my wife in a swimsuit. Am I wrong for my selfish desires?

[overcame-endured]

This is why I love tumblr...

Everywhere else in the digital world I’m expected to be this, that, or the other. One blog is about my personal life, one blog is about fitness, one social media account is about running, and another is about teaching. One Medium account is all about dreams of rewriting the expectations of ‘church’, and one Twitter account is focused just on local economic development.

I can’t do this anymore.

I’m lost.

Make no mistake, I care about all of those things mentioned above; they’re all different identities that conjure up in my own mind and soul. However, those are the only things that are ‘safe’ for people to see. I’m ashamed of my own individual being. I’m ashamed of my identity.

I’ve been rejected as a renegade, labeled as a revolutionist, and painted as a societal problem. I don’t think anyone ever asked if that was something that I wanted to hang around my neck. No one asked if I enjoyed or approved of those titles.

No one asked.

No one talked.

Everyone just walked on by.

What about the fact that I love EDM and dance music? What about the strange obsession with anime and manga? Does anyone really care to know why I love to run, or the struggles that I have every day with a sexual drive that I have no idea what to do with? Where is all of that curiosity?

I’m a Christian and I feel completely lost. I don’t feel like God has abandoned me or something cheesy like that...I feel like a reject of society. I feel unwanted, unloved, and not desired.

I’m married. My wife is pretty cool. My wife absolutely. Like, I’m trying not to cry when I type this because it is so embarrassing to confess. I don’t know what is wrong with me. I workout, I train, I run, I teach, I worship, I praise, i do everything within my composure...and I’m not appealing sexually. Sex is made out to be some sort of ‘dirty word’ and I don’t understand why. My ex-wife absolutely despised having sex with me while we were married, and now my wife isn’t even sexually charged. Does anyone realize that sex is actually a big deal? That there is a reason that God makes a big deal about it?

I waited. I freaking waited. I waited through high school, through college, I did just what I was supposed to do as a ‘good Christian’, and what do I get? Rejection. Over...and over...and over. 

Sure, someone could read this and make fun of the pity party that I’m ranting about...and that’s fine I guess. I just wish I knew why a cheeseburger is more important than intimacy between two people. Why it’s ‘wrong’ for me to look at my wife naked and enjoy the view. To give her praise on a beautiful body. What the heck is wrong with me? Her? Us? Society?

I’m so frustrated that I just want to fly away. I want to escape because I’m hurting, I’m frustrated, I feel rejected, and I freaking have no clue what to do.

I feel so alone.

I put on the perfect mask with all the other walks of my life, I just hope one person...anyone...knows that I’m embarrassed, isolated, and hurting.

[overcame-endured]

Mood.

Need the insanity and chaos...

[overcame-endured]

An old familiar attempted to add me on Facebook this morning. This person I knew through college and beyond. We had both been through very rocky relationships, and for some time we depended on one another. In college they were a runner for the track program, and I worked in athletics. In 2012 I made a solid choice after driving down to her house one late night. I had developed an interest in her and one other woman at the same time. I has to choose. I chose my now wife. It isn't perfect, I screw up a lot, but somehow she still handles me with grace. She's not perfect, she really struggles with being healthy and active. We are not perfect, but she motivates me. I used to be motivated by hatred and frustration with each step I placed on the road. That changed over the years to moving in a sake of worship, and at the opportunity to impress my wife. My. Wife. I'm sorry old friend. I will not accept your friend request. I do not wish to look through your life. I don't want to see your happiness. I want to live my peaceful, blessed life without regrets.

[inspirinquotes]

[run-inthe-sun]

this is actually my favorite quote ever

[simplysarajay]

[goku-z]

[overcame-endured]

Hot! 44.4 mile relay race in the books. 22 overall and 11 overall coed open. I ran the 2.6 and 3.3 legs. First leg was fast, cool, and flat. The second leg was 3.3 uphill. We completed the race in just over six hours. I'm so thrilled to be a part of this running team. Bonus: Lady furthest to the right? She took second place for female runners in a 50 mile race...the day before our relay!

[the-more-u-know]

25 3-ingredient Healthy Smoothie Recipes

[overcame-endured]

Ummm...yum!

[overcame-endured]

Leg one of the Missouri Race Series is in the books. Overall a pretty awful performance. Narrowly getting under the 30:00.00 mark, awful calf cramps, and a nasty stomach ache to end it all. Last 400 was a dead run to beat the closest person to me. I can be faster. Too much awful food during spring break. Also, lack of hydration cost me big. Additionally, just need to log longer, faster runs. I'm 6'5 and 260lbs; that's a lot of movement for a body.

[overcame-endured]

Spring break means two days back-to-back of relaxation, food, and fun. Heading home tomorrow to recover and rehydrate. Race on Saturday: Fast, flat 5K Did the math and have noted that I have a race each weekend for the next eight weeks!

[overcame-endured]

Another day. Another mile.