This note was written by a child who was listening in on a bunch of artists discussing art and life.
Me too
noise dept.
Aqua Utopia|海の底で記憶を紡ぐ
occasionally subtle
🪼
will byers stan first human second

Andulka

#extradirty
𓃗

Origami Around
macklin celebrini has autism

Love Begins
One Nice Bug Per Day
Cosmic Funnies
we're not kids anymore.
official daine visual archive
The Bowery Presents
let's talk about Bridgerton tea, my ask is open

blake kathryn
I'd rather be in outer space 🛸
Today's Document
seen from Russia
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seen from United Kingdom

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seen from United Kingdom

seen from Germany
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seen from Japan

seen from Estonia
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seen from United Kingdom
@overcoming-my-humanity
This note was written by a child who was listening in on a bunch of artists discussing art and life.
Me too
I think this might have been a mistake. I think I need to delete all this now before it goes any farther. I think I'm going to. I'm sorry.
Fortesa Latifi, from The Truth About Grief.
I keep losing myself. Over and over again. I only ever seem to find myself in the music or in the high. But the music always stops eventually, and the high doesn't last forever... How am I meant to find myself in the sober, quiet misery of my dulled, dissociated life? I know art is the answer, and yet I can never drag myself far enough to commit to it. I'm stuck in a hell of my own creation. I'm lost.
I relapsed. Again. Story of my fucking life lately. Recently I've been so consumed by this, so lost to the darkness... every other thing in my life feels hollow. This feels like the only way for me to even remotely enjoy spending my time. I'm even doing it at the same time I type this out. God, how did I become this person...
I have to change. But I'm scared that I can't. No matter how much I try, it's never enough. But I can't stop trying. I can't give up. I refuse. Even if I never succeed, I'll never quit trying to overcome this. I don't want to be this person anymore. I never wanted to be this person at all. Am I really supposed to accept that this is just how I am? But then... maybe it's true. And maybe all the advice about integrating ALL parts of yourself is true... Maybe I need to properly build my life around it, to keep it in check. Maybe I can find a way to feed it ethically. Maybe... but I think I would need to finally find my doll for that. And I fear I will never find the right person to become my doll.
With the way Walt wasted no time to start abusing Jesse as soon as they partnered up, and considering Walt treats Jesse like he's his son AND his wife... Do you think this means Walt had been bursting at the seams to abuse his real son and real wife this whole time, and only with Jesse did he have a chance to do so?
*Pushes glasses up on nose as though I am a respected scholar in a legitimate field of study* Ok so I hate to answer a compelling question with a kind of roundabout, not at all concrete answer but here goes: Walter wants to do whatever Walter wants to do, in the moment, without having to concern himself with that pesky, pedestrian little irritant known as ye olde consequences. He’s your basic old white fart who, because he grew up with the oxymoron of the white man as a vehicle for both exceptionalism and the Everyman, believes that consequences should not apply to him, and feels that he has been hard done by because, shocker, his stagnancy prior to the beginning of the series hasn’t resulted in everything he ever wanted falling into his lap! He does abuse both Skyler and Flynn over the course of the series, the assault on Skyler in season two being the most overtly violent of these instances, though it is heavily implied in season five that this isn’t even a one time occurrence; “I can’t even keep you out of my bed!” It’s also in season two that he peer pressures his teenage son into drinking to excess to gain the upper hand in his one-sided pissing contest with Hank, and this mirrors the ways in which he flexes his control over Jesse in front of Gus and Mike. Walter is dangerous precisely because he doesn’t view himself as an abuser, it’s not like he wistfully daydreams about slouching around the house in a wifebeater, terrorizing his wife and kids until they walk on eggshells around him. In fact, he’s shown throughout the series to act like a little pissbaby throwing a little pissbaby tantrum whenever he’s treated by his family like the monster he is. He wants to be able to act on his anger, to rape his wife and bully his son, without being subject to any of the organic repercussions these actions would inevitably induce. He doesn’t want to play the part of the mild-mannered family man anymore, or put in any of the work required to keep up that front, but he still wants to be seen as the provider and benevolent patriarch. He wants to have his fucking cake and eat it to.
That’s where Jesse comes in.
Walter loves Jesse, he does. The problem was never that he didn’t love Jesse, it was why he loved Jesse. Walter loves Jesse more than Flynn, that much was confirmed by Vince in a quote I can’t find anymore for the fucking life of me so you’ll just have to take my word for it ig. Walter might even love Jesse more than Skyler. But he doesn’t love Jesse as a person so much as a conduit, as an indispensable resource. It’s pretty vital, actually, that the person Walter projects all his shit onto isn’t a part of his immediate family, because then Jesse can be whatever he wants him to be. It’s great for Walter that Jesse’s a junkie, because then, according to societal norms, he doesn’t have to see Jesse as human when he’s taking out all of his anger on him. When Jesse isn’t being malleable enough for his liking, or even if Walt’s mad about something else entirely, then Jesse’s just a junkie, a nobody, an ungrateful, petulant fuck-up. When Walter is being rightfully shut out by his family or needs Jesse for some material task, then Jesse is practically family to him. They’re partners. It’s a terrible burden to put on an impressionable 24-year-old, a pretty fucking shitty thing to do to someone who trusts you, more than they should, and an impossible exception to live up to, to be someone’s everything.
So when Jesse inevitably fails at it, inevitably falls short of this perfectly imperfect idealization of himself, he is punished, horribly.
Walter never would have done the things he did to Jesse to Flynn, or to Skyler.
He doesn’t love them as much.
I almost wish I could remember who I used to be. Almost.
There's no room for the past anymore.
It's hard to let go of something that's been with you for so long, but in order to make room for something new and better, you have to first cut off and burn the dead weight.
Set me on fire.
“And if I show you my dark side, will you still hold me tonight?”
— Pink Floyd, “The Final Cut"
Today is meant to be the dawn of a new era in my life. And while it hasn't gotten off to a perfect start, it has already been better. I've faced temptation for my darkest urge, stared it right down the barrel, and I didn't give in. I came close, maybe skirted the line a little. But I didn't cross the line. It's a small victory, but still worth celebrating.
I keep coming so close to finding someone that can properly help me keep my urges in check, only for something to happen to keep it from working out. Today is no different. Maybe it's for the best anyway. I can't always rely on other people. I need to learn how to overcome my issues on my own.
I think that what I really need is a cleanse. To that end, I believe I'm going to fast. I know I need it. I need to stay focused. I can't lose myself again.
I wish I could say that unhealthy eating is my worst habit. At least it only affects me. But the truth is, I have a much darker one... I'm hesitant to even mention it by name. It's something that's been with me for most of my life, but has only grown worse as time goes on. In the show Dexter, the main character refers to his secret desire for killing as his "dark passenger." I have my own form of dark passenger. It isn't blameless. It isn't victimless. It has, on multiple occasions, taken me over, and it's used my body to achieve its goals. It's hurt people, innocent people. I've hurt people... I wish I could go back and undo it all, but I can't. I have to accept that no matter how much I wish it wasn't so, this darkness is a part of me. I hope one day I find what I need to quell its growth within me. Lately, it's always hungry. I'm scared I'm going to feed it again.
Been a while. Actually forgot I had this blog for a while. And as tempting as it is to delete all of my previous posts and start over, as the ultimate goal still remains unchanged... I've made that mistake over and over. Always deleting every mistake, always starting over. If I don't keep the mistakes, I can't learn from them, and I can't move on from them. I'm not making that mistake again. The past, however ugly, is what we build on. I'm done running. I'm ready to build. I'm back.
who would i show it to
Please understand. Please forgive me
I did it I fucked up too bad this time and I've lost my best friend forever please god why am I like this
I woke up at 4am and couldn't get back to sleep. Hopefully writing here will help.
I didn't make anything yesterday.
I did get out of the house to run multiple errands, which for me is honestly an achievement on its own. Still, I should have done more. Today is my last day off before going back to work this week, and I intend to use it wisely. Maybe today will be the day I finally make something. It's been years since I've worked on a proper creative project. I'm so excited to get back into that lifestyle.
One of the biggest coping mechanisms I've habitualized is eating junk food. I've never been, and never will be, a small person. I'm naturally tall and broad, but even considering that, let me tell you guys. I can put down some serious food. My stomach has fortunately gotten smaller recently, but in my heyday of shitty eating, I was easily putting away 6000+ calories a day. Even now, while I try my best to limit myself, I know that I could easily go back to that if I let myself.
I don't have my exact weight, but I'm currently sitting around ~350 pounds. At my heaviest, I was close to 400. Ideally, for my height and stature, I should be at absolutely no more than 250, though 200 is what I'm ultimately aiming for. It's going to take a lot of time and effort, but that's what I'm working towards. My addiction to junk food is probably my single worst habit. I've dropped many thousands of dollars on it throughout my life, on food that is literally poisoning my body and killing me slowly. And the massive weight gain has destroyed what little self esteem I had, while also draining all of my energy. I despise this huge body I inhabit. But I've made my bed and now I have to lie in it.
I'll continue listing my various struggles in time. For now, it's early and I should be getting back to sleep. Looking at this screen is beginning to hurt my eyes.