still (over) thinking about it

YS. - 31 - I'm trying to improve my english by write things, but i still don't know what to write.. maybe poetry... idk.. i guess (and hope) we'll figure it out soon..

[abitlikemercury]

I don't know what I love more: Sophie having the cheek the nerve the gall the audacity and the gumption to basically tell Benedict "You make me too horny, you must leave your own house" OR Benedict responding with "You're absolutely right and I am so sorry, I'll go pack my shit"

[overthinkingallthetime]

Eu não quero proposta

Não quero pensar

Não quero decidir

Não quero conversar

Não quero tomar atitude

Não quero trabalhar

Não quero falar

Não quero organizar

Não quero ouvir

Não quero sair de casa

Ao mesmo tempo não quero ficar aqui

No momento nem é a sensação de querer ir embora que eu tenho sentido nos últimos dias

Eu só não quero

Não quero nada

Tem coisa demais pra fazer (de novo) e eu acho que não vai dar certo

E eu não quero

Eu só não quero

[overthinkingallthetime]

Eu queria tanto ter o tempo que eu tinha aos 20 com a maturidade que eu tenho aos 30

O tempo tá passando rápido demais, não parece justo

Parece que eu desperdicei muito e me tiraram ainda mais

[overthinkingallthetime]

comecei a ler o livro que sabia que a personagem tinha passado por alguns traumas, mas aí veio a parte que dizia "o hospital onde sua mãe havia se tratado" então fui pesquisar e mãe da personagem morreu pq um câncer que ela tinha voltou de forma agressiva....parei de ler o livro

[overthinkingallthetime]

Ainda tá vendo isso?

Não acha q a gente já tá com problemas demais pra lidar?

Vc esquece que eu sou irmã da sua filha?? Que eu sou filha da sua esposa??

Não tô pedindo por mim, tô pedindo por elas.

Vai procurar ajuda de um psiquiatra

E não vem com essa de q vc ñ faria mal pra elas.

Quer mesmo esperar pra ver?

E tá fazendo mal pra mim e eu sou família delas tbm. Como vc se sentiria se outra pessoa tratasse suas irmãs assim? Sua mãe? Sua filha?

[overthinkingallthetime]

I'm not exactly back because

While it is good for me to write and post here

I also end up using this app to see things that I shouldn't

Not that erasing the app was enough to make me not do things that only made me feel more alone

But it do helped me to see less things

Sometimes it happens to see something

But it iss less

It is confusing how sometimes I wish to go back to the lockdown but it is not the lockdown and the scaring time it was when covid was killing so much and we didn't knew when we was going the have a vaccine

But I miss how my room was cleaned and organized how I didn't fall in this trap for months how I was connected with my faith (this part was since 2019 actually).

But I realized while writing this that maybe was the fact that I was praying much more that was helping me it was a '"combo" actually because first I had a routine and less obligation but after I had more obligations and my routine got crazy I still had the praying with my church group at least.

[overthinkingallthetime]

I don't want to be a fraud

[overthinkingallthetime]

single little words that I didn't even know the context (or at least I'm not sure about it) keeps repeating on my mind

over

and over

they're not even important words I think

But it keeps going and going

I wish I could forget about it

Or at least ignore it

[overthinkingallthetime]

anxiety is starting to burn my mind again

I don't want to let that fire begin

[overthinkingallthetime]

this is not gonna happen to me!

[overthinkingallthetime]

I turned 28 two weeks ago and it's weird to think that I'm not even an young adult anymore

But I still don't know what I am doing

And I feel trapped on the same place I was when I was 18

[overthinkingallthetime]

How many people would I disappoint if I did whatever I want?

[overthinkingallthetime]

I know him enough to know that even if his vocation was different he wouldn't be with me because I am not the one for him.

I would shipp him with one of those who use long or mid skirts, who is delicate and super religious and who loves to read specially religious books about saints and everything. She would probably sing like an angel and be really good with little kids. Also she would be fun and really kind. Maybe she would loves sports, maybe she would be part of some kind of program that teaches sports to kids or something like this.

[overthinkingallthetime]

Once I said that it was the "smallest of my problems"

I lied

I didn't knew that I was lying, but...

Yes, I lied

It isn't the smallest one

I'm still not sure if it is the biggest one too

Even that this classification doesn't even make sense

But it in fact is the one that makes the other worst

[overthinkingallthetime]

I don't even have nothing to say about it anymore

I guess I do it to feel something

But I ever end up feeling even more empty

[overthinkingallthetime]

how south do I have to go to get my shit together and stop doing things that I know will hurt myself more than make me feel relief?

[overthinkingallthetime]

it was my mistake

and knowing that I can control myself more than this makes it even worse