Hey so I’m not sure if I have a crush on my best friend or not, this’ll be ramble-y.
I’ve always just assumed I’d end up with a man because I’m (sorta) in a homophobic religion. I’m probably some kind of ace, and I’ve only ever been on 2 dates so I’m not super experienced with romance but I do want to find a partner someday.
I didn’t start earnestly thinking about my sexuality until I went to college and actually got to meet some queer folks and realize that they’re just normal people (I know I was dumb and stupid but I’m better now). There was this one girl who I really wanted to be friends with, but I’m scared of people so I never really got close with her. I don’t actually know if it was a crush though or just that I thought she was cool and wanted to be her friend.
I met my best friend when we were in second grade, and we are super similar. We both have a lot of similar mental health issues, we both bonded about our church a lot as kids, we were in almost every grade of elementary school together, in plays together, and nerds about the same books. She helped me through a lot of my darkest moments and crises as a kid, and even though I moved away between middle and high school we’re still best friends. We both suck at texting and calling each other, but every time we do it’s like no time has passed even though we’ve both changed so much.
Recently (being like a year or two, time is a construct), she fully left the religion we grew up in, and came out to me as bi. She is super cool, she’s in school doing opera, she’s doing a lot of amazing advocacy work and going to protests, and she’s just super kind and hard working.
I recently went to a wedding in the same town she lives in, and one of the days I was there we got to meet up and we just wandered and talked for like 6 hours. We talked about our families, and her school, and advocacy work and at some point we were talking about dating, and I asked her about how she figured out she was bi. I was really confused and I figured if I was going to talk to anyone abt lgbtq stuff I’d talk to her. It was a really nice talk. At one point there was a lull in the conversation and I looked at her and thought about how pretty she is, and I kinda weirded myself out for some reason. Eventually she had to go to work and I went to help set up my other friend’s wedding. I got to see her one more time on the trip cause I got food at the place she works at after the wedding reception and I couldn’t stop thinking about her afterwards and I was just really confused the whole drive back to my Airbnb.
Ever since I got back from there I’ve been wondering if I started to get a crush on her, but I don’t know cause maybe it’s just cause we were talking about romance and dating and crushes so I just kind of tricked myself, or maybe I do like her and I still just have to work through internalized homophobia. I couldn’t date her either way cause she likes a different girl who actually lives near her, but idk I’m still just like confused cause there was also one point where she helped me roll up my pants this funny way one of our old teachers taught us and I got kind of flustered but I don’t usually like people touching me anyway. Idk I’m just confused and needed to get it out I guess. Maybe I need more input because I don’t know if I really remember what it’s like to have a crush, and maybe girl crushes are different from boy crushes. Idk someone help me lol