i sat at that womans funeral and promised myself i would never be so horrible. i watched her die a little day by day for months, feeding her and cleaning her even though i knew it didnt matter, and said to myself i would never end up like that. i wanted so badly to be different and to do better, but the truth is I'll never be better. i look and act just like her, its encoded in my dna and i hate it so much.
you're so selfish, you're so manipulative, you're so disrespectful, you're so mean, you're so rude, you're so dismissive
i know, i know, i know, i know, i know, i know i fucking know, godammit i'm not that stupid i fucking know! you dont think I've peiced that together by now? you dont think ive figured that out? you dont think i look back at every stupid, shitty thing ive ever said and done and want to die? im sorry. ive said it so many times its not even a real word anymore. i could say it a hundred times, a million times, i could say it until the universe succumbs to entropy and it would still never be enough to say how sorry i am. no amount of apologies or grovelling will ever be enough.
its so infuriating seeing your own psychotic, warped behavior playing out in real time and knowing that its stupid, knowing thats its wrong, knowing thats its Not Normal and not being able to do a damn thing about it. never being able to see past your emotions because you are your emotions and your feelings take up every atom in your body. sitting there vibrating with rage and hatred and clamping your mouth shut because you know anything that comes out will be the most vitriolic, evil thing you can imagine. being so good at burying your thoughts that you dont have any left. repressing your feelings so much that you physically cant cry anymore.
i want to be better but there is no better version of me to return to. no one can make me better because no has what it takes and i would never expect anyone to. my only solution is to disappear. and i dont mean that in a "oh woe is me im such a pissbaby and i want everyone to pity me and everyone should feel sorry for me" kind of way, i mean that in a "ive seen this exact story play out a dozen times and know how it fucking ends because I'VE FUCKING SEEN IT BEFORE."
im so tired of hiding and pretending to be something im not. im tired of trying make other people understand. people never undertand, and it doesnt matter how much i try to explain it or how many times i say it, they never fucking understand. im tired of hurting and hurting other people.
im tired of people telling me i dont care. it makes me want to rip thier throat out so then maybe they can feel an ounce of how much it hurts. i wish i didnt care. i wish i could stop caring. I would delete everything, EVERYTHING and burn it all to the ground and feel nothing at all. I'd throw it all down the drain and laugh while everyone flopped around in the ashes trying to find something to save. i care so much its killing me. i care so much that i cant eat and i cant sleep and i cant think. say i dont care one more time and I'll show you what happens when i dont fucking care.
im so sick of it. it makes me want to vomit.
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