I’ve been thinking about it a lot recently.
It’s been sitting there, at the back of my mind, making itself only just visible beneath the muddy waters in the stream of consciousness.
I had a conversation with a friend asking me where I’d see myself in five years, and thinking about it only leaves me with despair. So what would it look like?
In five years, I feel like I’ll be in the same place I’ve been for the past five. Stuck at home, quietly wasting away in that tiny room, watching friends and loved ones flourish into their dreams. Building careers and their lives while I gather dust in a home that only recognizes happiness as a conceptual ideal rather than a reality. A space to small to allow any more growth, filled with twisted, bitter people only getting older.
I even worry that if through some divine fluke of fortune I manage to escape this place, it will be too late to live as my own person anymore. As if the moment I sign a mortgage will be the same moment my mom passes and leaves everything to me. Back again in this house, forevermore until death.
Other times I fear I won’t even get that far. That the shining star of having my own space, my own place, my own life will hang forever in the sky as I ceaselessly toil in some shitty job until some illness or injury lurking beneath justified excuses and fiscal frugality snuffs out my light - a dormant seed forever waiting for the spring that never came.
Fascism and state surveillance is a rising tide in America, so even those attempting to speak out against the dying hegemony and its desperate grasping for power will simply get black-bagged and a bullet to the head. An inhospitable society atop a dying world; temperatures growing hotter, food becoming scarcer, and billionaires building facilities to suck up earth’s water and heat the air even more.
It’s all so tiring. Wage stagnation, inflation, skyrocketing housing prices, consecutive high temperature records, the declining quality in just about everything, the desolate loneliness. It really makes me want to suck off a .357 and just stop dealing with all this bullshit.
I really wish I could just start over. Or maybe be a new person. I’m not sure how much longer I can take this life how it is now.
pixelskylines
areudirty
