Lately, I've been noticing that I have again been exhibiting behavior that I either don't usually have or could be considered self-sabotaging behavior.
I have been sleeping late. I know I'm not a morning person and this is not new, but I now usually sleep around 3 to 6 in the morning. Sometimes, I even fall asleep in the middle of watching something, and someone told me that it's a sign of me forcing myself to actually stay up later than I could.
I have not been eating at proper meal times. Today, I woke up at 8 in the morning but I did not eat. I slept instead actually, even though I slept quite earlier last night because I did a lot of stuff and I was too tired. I ate my first meal at 2 pm. Yesterday, I skipped breakfast, and the day after that, I had dinner at 10 pm. My appetite is normal, I guess, but I have been skipping meals a lot lately.
I want to stay in bed all the time. I stay in my bed for the majority of the day.
I keep putting things off. I know I am a procrastinator, but these are huge responsibilities, and my sense of urgency has disappeared almost completely. I am too afraid to face them on my own.
I have been too sensitive lately. People were angry or disappointed at me and I couldn't handle it well. I kept thinking about me failing to meet these people's expectations, causing me to space out, feel sad, and cry at times.
I have also been getting quite impatient lately, not only with myself, but also with other people.
I have this feeling of hopelessness and desire to disappear or no longer exist.
I have kept my distance from people. I don't feel like sharing my problems or talking with people directly (I feel more comfortable tweeting about it than having a one-on-one conversation).
I do not want to self-diagnose, and to add to that, these things might not really seem like much of a problem to others, but I know that I am not feeling okay. I have felt better, and I know I can do better than this. But somehow, I am stuck in this feeling or situation.
At times, I do think that I am all alone, because even if people help me or encourage me, I know they all have their own stuff to handle, and there are things that only I can fix. I keep thinking that at the end of the day, everyone else has their own life and I am only left with myself. Nevertheless, I know I am blessed for having amazing people who keep encouraging me and reminding me that they are here for me.
Furthermore, I still feel sometimes that this whole episode of me feeling down is invalid, because other people have worse problems than I do. This is complicated, because the main reinforcer of this thought is me as well. There are some people from whom I hear the "people have it worse" mentality, but I feel like I am the one most responsible for making myself feel bad about my predicament. I never want others to feel that their situation is invalid and unimportant, but I always make myself feel that way.
In general, I really find it easily to genuinely care for other people and encourage them, but I find it so hard for myself. It's probably because I know everything I went through, so I know my mistakes and how I could've done better. I am still probably punishing myself and have not completely forgiven myself yet, for everything I have been through and for everything I am now.
So, tl;dr, voila, here I am, currently stuck in a storm I made. But I hope that the storm ends soon, and the sunshine-y weather comes through. I hope as much as possible that you, reader (whoever you may be), are in a very summery period of your life right now, and if you are in a storm like me, I hope the best for both of us. Stay warm and cozy, friend. This too shall pass, I guess.
I would appreciate any prayer, word of encouragement (my favorite love language), wise advice, or help that any of you would be able to give me. Thank you.
yousharknotpass
romaincrisis
blakekathryn
baratheonpilled
snowghoul
vaporwave
gummygunk
