just this

this blog is about what's in my head and mostly about depression

[paewitvu]

Very tired of living. I drag this body to activities and hobbies just to get that tiny little happy moment or two in hours of activity, tbh I spend a lot of energy just for those tiny little sparks of joy. I'm 45 and I'm exhausted just thinking I have to drag this aging, aching body forward for the next 45 years. Life can feel so horribly long when you have nothing to look forward to.

[paewitvu]

Veeeery depressed. Functional, but can't feel anything, can't get excited about anything, nothing really interests me, I can't get into anything, I can't get into any fandom anymore. Thoroughly uninterested. I have no crushes, no fictional love-interests, not even a tiny fantasy about a celebrity, nothing.

Would be nice to feel something. Would be nice to have even a spark of passion at some point. 2026, please?

[paewitvu]

My mother has been harrassing me so much through email about a thing (an email system problem) that could easily wait until next year, certainly not an issue right now. She ignores I've told her my mental health is bad right now and I can't come help her. Constant messaging. I blocked her. I never though I would block my own mother but there you go. If she has a true emergency she can call the emergency services, everything else CAN WAIT. She can get a new email any day, but she can't get a new me ever again. I think I'm more important than a stupid email and I'm not even sorry.

[paewitvu]

I have a mental test to test out how bad it's going.

I imagine a gunman who just shows up, points a gun at you and says "you're going to die now" and your death is guaranteed, quick and simple.

How do you receive that situation?

When it's really bad, I get a rush of relief and mentally just spread my hands and smile "oh finally, yes, let's go".

I did this test recently and to my surprise I started hedging. "... well does it have to be like right now? I have stuff to do on Sunday. And it would be a dick move to die right now and leave my sibling to deal with our aging relatives alone."

If you are able to imagine negotiating, if you are able to imagine the feelings of other people and your place in their midst, this is good! I think I have some will to live! :o

[paewitvu]

I may have overestimated my ability to just decide to not go crazy. I have a feeling it will happen if it's going to happen. I feel myself becoming more and more peculiar and confused. My brain feels heavy? I'm very tired.

[paewitvu]

Everything is terrible. I feel like if you understand too well and too acutely everything that is going on in this world and where it's heading to, you go insane. I try to avoid understanding too much.

I try to stay sane but it's very difficult. I feel myself getting weirder by the day but I try. I press my nails to my palms to ground myself to this moment, this world, this body.

[paewitvu]

I'm not suicidal. This society is just programmed to get rid of people like me by taking away all other options than suicide. I think there's a difference. It is a reaction to systemic and structural violence against chronically ill people, not depression.

[paewitvu]

In September I was mystified why I was so tired and depressed. I don't know why I thought it was a mystery, I had started a new medication (dienogest) a month prior to get rid of the growths in my ovaries and which causes depression and makes it worse if you already have it. I have had steady low-level stress fever for months now and it's so hard to try and function through a cloud of fever and exhaustion. I'm having naps which are usually impossible for me but right now I'm so tired they happen.

I can't be enthusiastic about much. I just push forward with work and my hobbies, I sing what I'm told to sing, I play what I'm told to play, but I can't feel much about anything. I just push forward in survival mode. I'm so tired.

[paewitvu]

I was annoyed and mystified why I was so goddamned TIRED all the time, massive brain fog and very sleepy eepy deepy.

Yesterday I realised I'm actually depressed, more depressed than I was a while ago, and that's why I sleep so much. I don't see the point in most things because depression. I have nothing to look forward to, not even my future.

I don't know if this realisation actually helps any, but I am cutting myself a little slack now, not berating myself for not getting basically anything done. Brain doesn't want to, so it won't.

It's really hard to live with an illness that affects your THOUGHTS.

[paewitvu]

I have been single for over ten years, lived alone for over twenty, but too busy trying to survive, no time or energy to think about relationships.

But now my work eased up and it finally hit me, how alone I am. My friends are having babies and to every christening, confirmation, wedding, whatever, I am forever without anyone to take with me. It's exhausting going to these spaces full of strangers, alone, without a comrade, without a human of my own.

I mean I am going. I am not NOT gonna go, these are my relatives and dear friends, of course I'll go. But I am sad and tired of always being alone. Sad that I'm always holding myself up, by myself, on my own.

[the-modern-typewriter]

“How can you not be angry?”

“I am angry,” the werewolf said. “But unlike you, I don’t have the luxury of showing it without being called a monster. Without someone taking it as a sign of proof that I need to be put down like a rabid dog, that I’m just like what the stories tell you.” 

“But everyone gets angry…that’s human.”

“Up until the point when you’re not human.”

[mckitterick]

such a wonderful metaphor for anyone Othered by society

[paewitvu]

So I have endometriosis. Nnnnot quite what I was expecting for this new year. Does explain the pain and the exhaustion though.

The first gyneocologist said "well your exhaustion, you see it's psychiatric, we can't help you with that" (isn't it great? have a patient with weird symptoms? do they have a depression diagnosis? great! now you can just tell everything is from the depression and ignore them!) and the next one was poking around and went "ohh yup you got some endometriosis, sort of everywhere." Psychiatric indeed. I guess I imagined my depression so hard I caught endometriosis.

[paewitvu]

i’ve lost 100% of the joy i used to have from a hobby that pretty much provided the meaning to my life

[paewitvu]

being alive is so much hard work right now and none of it feels like it’s worth the effort so I dunno wtf am I supposed to do now tbh

[unwelcome-ozian]

[paewitvu]

Relatively miraculous how I exist at all, now. Maybe this explains why my nervous system just CAN’T life.

[saintsebastiensbf]

there’s a special kind of grief you feel towards yourself when you’ve been mentally ill for as long as you remember. you see ppl saying they long to return to their old self but you don’t have an old self, or if there was, you can’t remember it. ur “old self” was a child. this self is all you’ve ever known. then there’s the fear that comes with trying to find out who you are without your mental illnesses, it’s all new to you and you don’t know if you’ll like who you’ll be

[paewitvu]

There is this meditation / self-confidence building tape that’s giving me grief. I always begin confidently and midway, I remember: aw shit. It wants me to recall a recent, powerful positive experience. What is that?? do people even have those on regular basis? I can’t. remember. anything. remotely. happy. Most of my time is spent being depressed and sad. Sometimes i’m like “hey, shit’s not too bad today, i could have a few more of these days” but like that’s the best I can get. I can’t find any memory happy enough for that stupid self-help tape. I always resort to a memory of a day when I was more or less ok. When I found my favourite bread in the supermarket. When the sun was shining and it felt warm but not too hot. Stupid tape makes me feel like there’s something wrong with me.