Sometimes I just wish that I could cry as much as I wanted to, even though it would be an excessive amount. I cry when I’m happy or overwhelmed or angry or just even slightly touched, you know? Because I’ve gone through all of my life not feeling real or solid in my own body, so even like a butterfly landing on me makes me want to weep, because it makes me feel tangible. I’m just sitting here imagining what it would be like to be with someone and be touched and loved and fucked and just all of these things and I don’t know how I’m going to do it. I don’t know how I’m going to handle real and dense love like that if I can’t even hug someone without wanting to sob, if I can’t even look people in the eye without wanting to just lay down on the floor forever. I think I’m really in trouble. I think the next person who loves me is gonna have to let me fall apart a lot and understand when I say “I can’t kiss you right now. It’s all too heavy. Just sit next to me.”
