for the longest time, i've been, to put it bluntly, fucking terrified to actually talk about the situation that happened & take accountability for it. i was scared that if i did, i would only make the situation worse. but i've realized that nobody owes me forgiveness, and that if i don't say something, i'll be stuck digging myself into a pit of self pity.
i'll start off with this: i treated willow like absolute shit. i,,, don't know why, honestly. i was getting unreasonably upset with someone who did nothing wrong. at this time, i was being groomed, and my groomer happened to be convincing me that willow was bad & evil, when she really wasn't. i'm not gonna fault my groomer & only my groomer though, because i was the one who decided to lash out.
i shouldn't have passed around screenshots of the conversation, either. i found the conversation i was having with friends during my other conversation with willow funny, and i thought it would be okay to share out of context. it really wasn't though, it was just getting people involved with a stupid argument & making them uncomfortable.
if i remember correctly, i was also getting flamed for lesbophobia & racism, which is... honestly, still really confusing? the person i was trying to report to willow was lesbian iirc, but i didn't bring their sexuality into the conversation. like. at all. i think the racism comments also came from me assuming this person was white, which they weren't. i will own up to this, though. i am white, & i live in an area with mostly white people. i didn't remember this person ever stating their race, so i assumed they were white. that was just ignorant bias on my part, and i apologize for making that assumption.
and, last thing i wanna mention- i believe i was being accused of ableism too, and i wanna explain where i think that accusation came from. an old friend of mine, retro, is a system. when i learned this information, i basically knew nothing about systems & didn't bother learning. i had made retro uncomfortable with comments i made, and they broke ties with me because of that.
i fully deserved retro blocking me. i never bothered to learn about systems at that time, and i never bothered asking. it was incredibly shitty on my part, and i should've educated myself. i've been questioning if i'm a system, too, which makes me feel even worse about my comments.
overall, i was just... really dumb throughout this entire drama. i had the chance to make it better & explain myself, but i take it out of fear. i can't go back and change my actions, but i've been working on changing myself & growing. i've learned a lot since this whole thing started, and i hope to no longer dwell on this part of my past that i've thought about far too often. i'm sorry, and i know i cannot force any of you to forgive me.
i will not be coming back to this account, nor will i be sharing the current tumblr that i use. i intend on deactivating this account soon, but i'm. not too sure when. i'll probably still keep it up for a week or two, idk for certain. again, i'm sorry. to willow, retro, and anyone else i've hurt & upset. i hope to leave this bit of my past behind, and i hope that gives closure to the drama that happened. i don't expect to be able to reconnect with any of my old mutuals, and i don't really intend on interacting with them, either.
i'm glad that i was able to make friends through this account. i really needed it, considering my mental space at the time. if you've read this far, thank you, and bye. i'll be signing off now- hopefully for the last time.