the heart opens and closes. sometimes i go hours without thinking of you, and i find myself absolutely stunned with that fact - it's been whole hours! good days feel like a knot in me is slowly remembering how to release. bad days feel like every muscle in my body is imploding. i don't know i ever feel good. but it's starting to be better-than-just-surviving.
for a while, anything i did just sang of distraction. i couldn't enjoy movies or eating or sleeping since it was all just waiting-to-remember-you. i knew when i finished the book or art project that i'd return to the pain of it, and it flooded every moment with your hair and your laughter. it's been a long spring. more and more i find myself actually-living. not stealing moments away from the grief, but growing them in joy.
i can't stop feeling guilty and fucked up and brutal. on good days, i know i shouldn't want you back. on bad days, i would cut my hand off to feed you an apology. it slams into me randomly, full of roadrash. the endless loop. i still love you/actually fuck you.
i have a really beautiful life i feel immensely grateful for. i hate that i want to show it to you. i have so many opportunities that i've agreed to, so many windows and doors open. they still feel like they belong to you, somehow - like i only did this stuff to avoid you, so it of course is-still-about-you. every poem that's not about you just has your lipstick in the underscore - my words know i'm tiptoeing around your name, and that makes it kind of hurt more.
i'm at the halfway: it's not that i think i'll never be okay. it's that i hate the okay i will be is an okay without you. i hate knowing i'm cultivating an entire garden you'll never see bear fruit.
in and out and in and out of loving you.
areudirty
origamiaround
stormborns
tangentwithtanner
yousharknotpass
discoholicmusic
