Alright buckle up fucktrucks here we go
So let’s go back to August of last year, which is early winter in detroit so its cold cold at night already. To set up the scene imagine just like a slightly less than nice suburb with a couple drug houses but like they mind their own shit and theres no like violence or late night parties which makes it unusual even for the area but im not gonna complain about the lack of noise so
My little brother, though i love him dearly and would kill or die for him, is a stone cold stupid motherfucker. The one trying to be a bounty hunter so yeah he’s… who he is. He has a good heart but no foresight. Honestly he would suit the social work track along with me but he’s a broke bitch right now. My brother also has a thing for the island of misfit toys; he found out a friend was going through some abusive shit with her baby daddy and she needed a place to stay and offered our moms house
And she brings her kid, her dog, her friend, and another person that to this day im not sure actually existed
Thankfully for my brother, my mother is a very kind woman and since she lives by herself, very lonely so she didnt mind company as long as they helped out around the house and didnt bring anything illegal in the house
Dont get me wrong, i have a soft spot for them all even after a falling out between them and my brother, but they had a lot more than we were equipped to deal with. So they all would party and drink and do drugs in the basement and just be up at weird hours
Which brings us to the main event
So its like 3 in the morning and my brother and his friends hear meowing. We dont have a cat. Our neighbors dont have cats. Nobody knows where the cat is so they go outside to look bc this cat is LOUD. so they go out and. Theres a cat. On our roof. At 3 in the morning. So my bitch brother makes the girl get up on a ladder and they bring down the cat. Now shes calm and quiet so we’re sure shes domesticated but no collar or anything
They bring her in and feed her and get her water and my mom wakes up to a new cat. There’s a reason we never had cats; everyone in my family is allergic (or so we thought) Nonetheless my mother is a goddamn saint and says fine, since one of the girls offers to take her with her when she leaves
So the first problem with the cat is shes filthy and covered in fleas, so we clean her up, get a few scratches but she’s generally well behaved after, very beautiful cat with silky white fur and a grey ear with a feather duster tail. But she’s small so we think she’s still growing so we load her up with kitten food to help her gain weight
The second problem is that she hates our crotchety old dog. He’s like 13 at this point and just old and tired and we thought he was gonna kick it back in july, but he did make it with us until december, rest in piece rocky. But he is an old man through and through. The cat is always up in his shit, hissing and trying to claw him, he doesn’t have a sense of self preservation so we keep having to keep them apart. Again, since its a temporary situation its fine yeah
So around this time we’ve had her about two weeks and she’s growing healthily and shit. One night at like 2 in the morning we get this lady and dude come knocking at our door. Now im not there for this but these folks are… off. Now ive been off for my whole life and ive got my own mental shit but i look like a model citizen in this story.
So this lady is looking for her cat thats been missing a few days. The description matches spot on, but she has no pictures or phone number or any proof she owns this cat. Now remember its been two weeks since we found her, no collar, fleas and what have you. So my mom tells her to come back with a photo tomorrow and we can see.
Lady doesnt show up, but her friend, who turns out to sell ritalin on our street comes over a few days later, to sell ritalin to one of our guests obviously and id’s the cat as the ladys. And says nothing more. He pretty much knows that the cat was not well with her so he just let it slide since we were doing a good job taking care of her. That and he got a sale so who knows
Anyways shit happens, our guests get kicked out over some justifiable stuff i wont get into fully but money was taken from my mom and nobody fucks with our mom. We decide to keep the cat and call her Luna bc my mom is fuckin basic but whatever
So I’m heading overseas for a couple weeks after this point, to see my bf who lives in Switzerland (a whole other story but we’re still happily together so nothin bad) and he loves cats and gives me crap about not liking them as much so im trying to get my mom to send pics of luna to show off to him. And she sends a few, including what ends up the being the big twist:
The cats gotta big ol baby belly
They took her to the vet and it turns out she was about a month pregnant when we found her, and cats are only pregnant two months so she should be giving birth about when i get back. So this explains her growth and bitchiness to the dog. Get 1 cat get 4 free alright
So now we have to scramble to see whos gonna take these kittens because holy shit we cant have 5 fuckin cats and so moms asking around work, im asking classmates and my brother has his thumb up his ass as always. Eventually we find interested parties so my mom is sure everything is hunky dory
So the cat literally gives birth to the kittens as im flying the plane back home and mom is at work. So this dumbass cat thinks “ you know where a safe place to have tiny vulnerable creatures is? A cramped space between a wall and dresser”
So my mom comes home with my cousin, since she does family haircuts and shit from home, and they dont know yet. Mom holds the cat and notices she seems a little deflated, but has some pink on her fur. They realize oh shit she gave birth and they scramble and they cant find shit. Then mama cat goes to see her babies so they follow her and thank god my cousin is there bc they can barely move the cabinet
So they grab up the kitties in this adorable wicker basket and try to keep luna from freaking out and set up a little nest in the bathroom. Everything gets set up and all the kittens are well. We cant figure out what sex or whatever they are so we give them temporary names since we figure all of them will be given away
So i get to name the cute little shits which is a bad idea but no one tells the president what to do. Working in a gas station i sell snacks all day so my first thought is snack cakes so we get: honey buns, the biggest ginger boy, moon pie, a tricolor calico girl, crumb cake, the silky ginger boy, and lola bc my mom is basic
Eventually we manage to give moon pie to one of my bosses and crumb cake to my moms coworker on the fact that both families have kids with disabilities like mine so we benefit families who could use a fuzzy friend rather than these yuppy rich folks who wanted a matching set for some reason but fuck em we keep cute in the family
So now my mom has Luna, who has mellowed out and is very cuddly, and lola, a slippery little eel of a kitten with a mean resting bitch face and a Does Not Like Being Held, and i have honey buns who is a giant floofy dumbass who purrs like an engine and smacks me in the face with his paws if i hold him too close and barks at the door so yeah. I love my stupid son so much
Ill give pics if wanted but yeah thats how we stole 5 cats at once yeehaw aux grunt out
Tldr; morally questionable decisions lead to fuzzy bastard children
