Sunday Editorial: I Am Not Bisexual
When I was 15, I discovered the label pansexual for the first time, and it opened my eyes. I think it won’t be surprising to many pansexual people that my discovery that I was genderqueer was tied heavily to pansexuality, and to the idea that nonbinary gender identities weren’t just an afterthought or something to be folded into the binary when discussing attraction, but worthy of consideration on their own, worthy of a label to specify you were attracted to everyone, because some people might not be. It’s a story I’ve heard many times from many genderqueer pan people.
I called myself bisexual before that, because it was the only word I knew to describe attraction to multiple genders. I knew there were more than two, and I knew that bisexuality encompassed attraction to more than two, but there’s a unique kind of radicality to pansexual, the way it openly defied bigots’ expectations, the way I’ve had exorsexists try to tell me I can’t be pansexual because my label’s etymology itself fundamentally disagrees with their entire world view.
That is what drew me to the label when I was 15. And it is partially what’s kept me here. I do still technically fit the definition of bisexual, and I always have fit it, but I am fundamentally no longer bisexual. There are people who are simultaneously bi and pan, but I am not one of those people. My experience of being queer, especially as a pansexual person, is completely irreconciliable with the concept of me being bisexual.
Author’s note: It’s worth noting before I go into this bit that this is by no means a blanket statement about all bisexual people. The bi community is full of many lovely and supportive people who uplift other mspecs. This section is not about them. While it’s unfortunate that a few bigots have ruined an entire label and community for me, that does not mean the label or community itself is bad, just that I cannot see myself identifying with it.
That being said, I have never felt any sense of belonging to the bi community, or support from it. Maybe if I had lived in an era where pansexual and bisexual communities were considered one, where pansexual people were explicitly included in bi activism and bi organizations, I might have felt differently. Maybe I would have also identified as bi, or considered myself part of the “bi umbrella”. But when I have spent my entire time in the queer community being told I am taking bi resources, that I am not free to celebrate bi awareness days and weeks or I am “invading” bi spaces or bi positivity does not extend to me, it is impossible to feel that way. The bi community does not want me, and I do not want it. I have gotten hate and threats from people with bi flags in their profile pictures and “battleaxe bi” in their bios, and I have never felt safe around bi people and in bi spaces, even inclusive ones, because there’s always the thought in the back of my mind that someone hates me, or wants me dead, or has friends who feel that way and sees no problem with it. This isn’t just a difference of opinion. It’s a matter of safety. I can’t be in bi spaces, because there are people there who see no problem with suicide baiting or threatening violence against me and my community.
There is so much focus in queer spaces on reassuring bi people that their identity is whole and complete, and they should not feel less queer than monosexual gay men and lesbians. But I think less focus is given to assuring pan folks of this fact, and of assuring them that they do not have to be bi to fit into the broader community. So I am here to tell you exactly that. If you are pansexual, you are complete. You do not need to use any labels you do not want to. You do not need to call yourself bisexual if you don’t want to. You have a community, and you have a culture, and you have your own history. You’re enough.
