nobody likes a pity party

This is a secondary blog to gather all of my nervous and depressed posting so I don't litter up my main blog with it. It's a pity party! Join if you want to.

[thegoodvybe]

[play6irl]

[thug-gifs]

Reblog in 40 seconds and you will be put on the path to achieve your dreams and find your fortune

[atsirhc-deactivated20230825]

WELP.

[xanadontit]

Can’t hurt.

[jigglyteenfeedee]

Bet

[arizonasugarbaby]

I’ve been rolling in the dough lately so it seems like these things are working 🙏🏻

[baddestheaux]

No they literally work

[parasiticparanoia]

The kind of day where I want to break a motherfucker's heart

[parasiticparanoia]

Jesus what the fuck

For the first time I'm really looking at the playlist that my ex-girlfriend gave me a long time ago and holy shit these songs are so... telling? Clumsy, Reasons to love you... First Date? Good Enough? Story of a Girl?! Broken? Fucking Fucking Perfect? what the fuck. I mean I know I'm guilty of some pretty horrible romanticizing too, but please do not fucking tell me this is what I looked like to her... or reminded her of or whatever. Oh my god. 

Note to self: do not date when lonely. That shit will never work out.

Ugh... Am I over-analyzing this? I probably am. Whatever.

[parasiticparanoia]

Can i delete myself and try again

[parasiticparanoia]

>Hi, haven't seen you in a while. Me? Oh, I'm fine. I'm a college dropout. Yeah, me. Weird, right? I couldn't believe it either. Depression. Yeah. I couldn't handle it. Some people can handle it, but I couldn't. What did I do wrong? For that matter, what did you do right? I could have sworn that I did everything the way I was supposed to. I went to college. I even made friends. I don't have those friends anymore, of course. I throw away everything good in my life. You should know, right? I threw you away. Maybe it's better this way, after all. It turns out, I'm pretty pathetic. I fuck up everything I try to do for myself and I don't understand why. In the end, if I ever caused anyone to hurt because of my actions, it's all coming back to haunt me. So congratulations. I hope you were mad at me. Sometimes I even hope that you wished bad things on me, because it fucking worked.

>Hey. Remember me? Probably not. Remember that thing you told me? About how I was important? Probably not. I'm the only one who remembers it, but only because it meant something to me. But to you? It was total bullshit. I'm not. If I was, you wouldn't have let me fuck myself up the way I did. It's not your fault, really, or anyone's fault but mine. That's just a fact. But it hurts anyway. All I really wanted was friends. All I really wanted was to be your friend but I fucked that up too. The thing that gets me is that I don't know how. What did I do wrong? Why didn't you care about me at all?

>I'm a shit girlfriend. I'm complete shit when it comes to treating people the way they deserve. I fucked up my first relationship pretty badly and I know I fucked up my second even worse and now there's a third person that I cannot, will not, cannot fuck up because this person is way too precious for a shitty girlfriend like me. But I can't help it. Even if I don't deserve it, I want it.

>Why is it just me? Why just me? Why? Why is it always me alone? Where did I go wrong? Why wasn't I important enough for you to follow? Not follow. At least talk to? Why didn't you talk to me? Why wasn't I important enough? What do I have to do to be important? How can I get people to care about me? Why doesn't anything I do work? Why? Why? Where did I go wrong? What happened? Where did you go? Why did you go? Why? What did I do wrong? Why? Why why why why

It's the only way I get catharsis. But apparently it doesn't even work, or I wouldn't continue having these conversations every day

[parasiticparanoia]

Sometimes I have to pretend that I'm a tragic and misunderstood hero in a very sad movie because I can't otherwise sense of what's happening to me

[parasiticparanoia]

I keep having anxiety dreams about moving out of ucsb again... Like I'm trapped there again and I have to face escaping all over and ugh... Shuddering just thinking about it. Last night I had an anxiety dream about missing classes that I was supposed to go to. This is my body telling me that I'm not doing anything with my life.

[parasiticparanoia]

Well, I tweezed my eyebrows. A decent and much more fashionable alternative to cutting.

[parasiticparanoia]

Everything in me hurts So Fucking Bad

[parasiticparanoia]

Mission going out: complete failure. Begin mission eat actual food.

[parasiticparanoia]

I an the queen of pent up emotions

[parasiticparanoia]

Should I, like...tell people when I'm feeling insecure? I mean basically the only reason I'd do it is to get assurance, but that's...that seems really needy. But is it worse than just ignoring it or holding it? I don't know. I guess I'm trying to adopt a more...visible demeanor? In trying to be more transparent. Hiding is what caused this mess after all. So when I'm thinking something important, I'll try to bring it up. I don't want this shit affecting my health anymore.

[parasiticparanoia]

Ex-girlfriend has a new girlfriend

Lol this is the exact reason I broke up with you

[parasiticparanoia]

ugh. I know I'm spiraling but I don't want to stop myself. I know I should but goddammit I just want to sulk for a while. Since I fucked up my life so bad by feeling like shit, shouldn't I continue feeling like shit to justify my decision? It's barely over a week since I dropped out of college and it's easier to forget that I'm supposed to feel like shit. It makes my decision seem hasty and stupid. Why couldn't I be this stable while in college? What was I even feeling there? Was it really real if it disappears so quickly? What do I do now?

I know the point of dropping out is so I can properly deal with this depression, but fuck it. Tonight I want to wallow and feel like shit. At least then I'm justified in doing nothing.

[parasiticparanoia]

"Be miserable. Or motivate yourself. Whatever has to be done, it's always your choice." Ahahahaha oh my god I am dying I hope you never find out how wrong you are

[parasiticparanoia]

Hi I desperately want to talk to you but I have no fucking clue what to say and I desperately want to be helpful but I have no fucking clue what to do either and I make everything about myself (as evidenced by my constant use of "I" and "me") when everything should obviously be about you and somehow I'm turning a situation completely unrelated to me into my own pity party because I desperately want nothing more right now than to squeeze all the gold out of life, mold it into a platter and present all the luck and happiness in the world to you but I don't know how to because the greatest thing I've ever accomplished in my short life is getting into university which my parents paid for and I recently dropped out of and now I'm spiraling into my own pity party again and I don't know how to pull myself back up long enough to try to come up with any concrete plans to help you and really how the fuck could I? I'm a broke, sheltered little college dropout who has never had a real job before and has never lived outside my parents' house before, not counting the disastrous dorm life I just escaped. What can I do? Google searches? Beg my parents to give me some money and let me take a road trip? God I hate it. Everything I say and do just makes me realize how ignorant of anything and everything I am. What do I know? I know that I know nothing. Bullshit.

My dad told me that I'm trying to force things to happen that should happen naturally on their own. But that's not really me. If I want something to happen, I'll make it happen. That's just who I am. Some things just happen on their own, like finding a twenty on the street. But for something like changing my life? I have to make that happen myself. I won't trust that kind of thing to fate.

It's not the right time, I guess. But what time is it then?

Seriously. I do nothing but think about myself. Disgusting.