This is what I look like now.
I’ve gained ten pounds. I don’t really care. I don’t wear make up anymore - aside from the occasional mascara, and maybe eyeliner twice a year if I’m feeling frisky. Also don’t care.
This is year 31, coming to a close. The holiday season is upon us. I will be 32 in March. Whaaaaat? How? It’s fine, it’s fine.
I do still sometimes feel the longing to be beautiful and socially acceptable looking, but it is an ache that I am slowly beginning to shed. I look how I look, and there is only so much I can do about it. If you don’t like it, don’t look at me. Coming to terms with what I look like au naturale has been a big one for me in the dawning of my 30’s.
After 3 years of alone time, I started dating again. I have a boyfriend. We have been together for 1 year. It’s going well. I’m feeling pretty good. We’re very opposite in many ways and it feels healthy.
I still have the same best friend that I had when I was 14. I do keep up with one other friend, who I also consider my bestie, but we are long distance besties now, as she has moved away. Beyond that and interactions with family, I do not talk to anyone really. Please do not mistake my solitude for loneliness. I have come to realize that I love space and privacy. I love low maintenance friendship. I do not appreciate having to talk to someone multiple times a week for them to know that I care. If that is what you need from a friendship, that is valid, but I am not the friend for you if that is the case. This being said, a lot of my friendships from my early to mid-twenties have dissolved.
Having been a nonstop agent of chaos from the time I was 16 until I was oh, I don’t know, 26? I am very tired now. Keeping most people at five arm’s length is how I maintain my peace, and while I salute my fellow agents still in the midst of chaos, I will have to love you from very, very far away.
I am still working the same job. Service industry. Sometimes I wonder if there’s something better out there, but then I look at job listings and realize no one will pay me more money than I’m making now. Not without a degree, at least. I’m actually up for a promotion, a new position at my job with better pay. After the new year, I’m going to do new restaurant openings. I may just be traveling to other po-dunk towns, but at least I’ll get to see something different. Nervous, but excited.
Still writing. Still drawing here and there.
Really want to dig out all my old journals and compile entries to tell my story.
I’ve had the most average yet rollercoaster ride of a life.
Anyways. All is well. Sobriety is cool. Solitude is cool. Aging…a bittersweet privilege. Still don’t feel like an adult. Maybe in ten more years.
Stay cool, people of tumblr.
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