I Walk the Line

Park Taehyung. 22.

[twitterlols]

don’t bother flirting w me unless this is ur future

[parktxae]

Taehyung didn’t entirely know why he had walked into this area so he seemed to find himself unable to answer the question. He just started walking and well he was here, so he said just that. “I was walking...and then then I ended up here.” His face lit up afterwards. “My name’s Tae though!” A drunk Taehyung seemed much more...annoying to anyone who was present and well clearly annoyed by his presence. “But I really am drunk! No bullshit, I swear.” He covered his mouth afterwards, giggling at the swear word even though it wasn’t too uncommon for him to swear. It seemed a drunk Taehyung also liked to giggle like a child at anything and everything. “Um, where is here exactly though?” His face shifted back to the confusion he had been feeling since he ended up here.

[parktxae]

Taehyung had looked up to find the other who had draped the jacket over his freezing frame. And while he was grateful she cared enough he was quick to protest, “Fuck. You don’t have to freeze to death because I’m a dumbass.” He was shrugging the jacket up. “Thank you, really. But I’m just being really dumb right now.” Taehyung thought so at least. He was out here in the fucking rain about to catch pneumonia from the lack of warmth he was getting trying to make some big life decision that he shouldn’t even be thinking about right now because it was fucking raining right now. Truly a dumbass move. But he didn’t really know better when his whole mind was frozen. Stuck on the same thoughts that had been plaguing his mind for more than just a few days now. And while maybe he was being a little too dramatic about the whole thing it seemed like a good idea to him at the time. When he couldn’t really control the whole response he had at all. The response he had to being faced with his problems. More than he had already been for the past 22 years of his life. “Thanks again. But you should get going or whatever, I promise to go back inside at some point. Just a little out of it.” He was trying his very best to get her to leave him alone right now. Because if the breaking in his voice wasn’t an obvious sign he wasn’t having the best time at all. And it wasn’t just because of the rain.

[parktxae]

Do you feel like you're cut out to be a Snake?

Taehyung wondered this as well. Was he really needed? Taehyung wasn’t a fighter in any way, he was definitely a lover. Just not made for this life. But was anyone really? But being a Snake meant a lot of things he didn’t like being associated with. And he didn’t really feel as if he was entirely? If you looked at Taehyung with his oversized clothing and his goofy glasses paired with his dorky grin. You didn’t think he dedicated his only knowledge of science towards making the same drugs he was told not to use in school. You didn’t think he had joined a gang known for their disregard towards others. Being killers. Taehyung, of course wasn’t the face for any of this. He didn’t partake in any of this. But being a Snake well, it was only normal to assume he wasn’t any different from them. And really if that was who he said he was, then was he really?

“I’m not really cool enough to be one right?”

[parktxae]

People you want to protect?

“People? That implies more than one person doesn’t it? Well…”

The only person Taehyung had ever known to protect was his mother. Although he did less of that and more of making sure she ate everyday and putting her to sleep every night, that is if she came home that night. Taehyung knew she was a grown woman and that he couldn’t really do much. She was free and welcomed to do as she pleased, he couldn’t exactly scold her on it no matter how much he wanted to. But he still tried his best to make sure she still lived. He thinks that’s the best protection he could have over her. The other person he wanted to protect was Ahyeong. Not much of a surprise. But Taehyung didn’t exactly protect her the way he wanted to. If he could have it his way, he’d wished she could be off doing what she’d always wanted to. With her own plant shop and family in the countryside or just somewhere far far away. And it didn’t have to be with him. He just wished she could be happy doing what she loved. But until that happened he’d have to love her for as long as he could. 

“I’m still not too sure about that.”

[kwxndabin]

The sun had set and adrenaline was beginning to course through Dabin’s veins as he patrolled the alleyways. With all the tensions rising between the gangs from the banishment at the cafe, and now the attacks bewteen ally gangs he’d been more keen on making sure the Lost Boys’ territory was clear of any unwanted presences. The Outlaw Bloods clearly weren’t as careful in their protection, since they seemed to let troublemakers infiltrate their gambling halls and cause a scene. The Ivory Hand apparently lacked the proper security as well following their own ransacked headquarters. But Dabin wouldn’t let the Lost Boys get torn apart like that. They weren’t weak and they were always on their guard. More driven and more cautious than ever, Dabin made sure to scan their parts of the city well. He took note of every misplaced item, kept track of every crack in the wall and every person who made their way through their parts. So, he didn’t miss it when a figure appeared at the corner. Unsheathing his dagger, Dabin kept it hidden underneath the sleeve of his shirt as she approached.

“You better have a damn good reason for being here.” He called out, swiftly heading towards whoever it was who dared to venture this route. “Otherwise, I suggest you get the fuck out.”

[parktxae]

Taehyung didn’t really know what he was doing. But it had seemed that he had managed to get himself drunk, which was a first. After his mother had shaped herself into the alcoholic that she was today, he had sworn off the drink. Almost like he thought that in some way he’d end up just like his mother. It wasn’t as if their landlord hadn’t told him that all the damn time whenever Taehyung ended up late to pay rent. But it wasn’t hard to convince Taehyung of something that he had already believed in. The idea of liquor even, it made him sick to his stomach. It was much more worse than you would think. A few shots and you were gone. For some reason he had tested it on himself. Taehyung had somehow become the drunk guy on the side of the road. His first drink since being of age. And it wasn’t as if he had wanted it. He didn’t want to wake up the next morning with a nasty hangover and a vague feeling of regret. But he couldn’t help it. The fact shook him to the core. He couldn’t help it? Although he had been drinking, the result of nearly throwing a fit these past few weeks. It didn’t seem to change much. He was still drunk and he still hated himself in the life he was living right now. When he fell upon the seemingly annoyed stranger, he had stopped in confusion. He wondered, where the hell was he? 

“I think I’m drunk.”

[parktxae]

Are you friends with Jaehyun?

“I mean no but, I know that he’s close with Ahyeong. So we’re automatically cool, by default. If Ahyeong trusts him then I wouldn’t be opposed to being friends with him. Besides, I like making friends.”

[parktxae]

[parktxae]

“Okay.” He didn’t know what she was expecting. For him to be angry? disgusted? Taehyung wasn’t any of those. In fact you could say he was even happy they were talking about this. “You don’t have to tell me about it if you don’t want to.” One of his best traits outside of being a ray of fucking sunshine, was his patience. You could tell how it showed with his mother. He had always waited for her. He had never grown angry at how she would come later than expected or how she was always running late even to pick him up from school, he soon started to just take the bus instead. But he didn’t get annoyed by her, instead he was going to wait until she woke up one day and decided to get better. He could never force things from people because they all had their own pace. Everyone would soon wake up and make an improvement. Even if it took years. Even if you were already on your death bed. You could still decided one day to improve, even if it’s the smallest things. It could still be highly appreciated. And so even if Ahyeong took years to tell him what had resulted in her loss or whatever else was bothering her from past, he’d still accept the fact that she wanted to make an improvement in their relationship. One that was obvious enough. They didn’t like to look to their dark pasts, fearing it would scare the other off. Instead they put up this happy and all smiles front in front of the other. The day would come where they decided to poor all their inner demons to each other, or it wouldn’t. Taehyung could and would continue to be patient. “I’m not going to hate you now because you’re not a virgin. You’re still Ahyeong to me, no matter what happened. And I know it may seem heavy now but I know in the world we’re living in, I could still find it in my heart to accept you. But I’ll be patient with you for now, yeah? Talk to me about whatever’s bothering you when you’re ready.” He nodded at her. “Now, didn’t you say you had something else planned for me?”

[angstmemes]

Bold what your muse has done in the last twelve months.

[parktxae]

angstmemes:

Been so sick you were bed-bound for at least three days. Gotten so drunk you did something you really shouldn’t have done. Celebrated your birthday with a cake and presents. Had family over or went to family for Christmas. Had something stolen. Cried yourself to sleep. Made a new friend. Met someone you wish you hadn’t. Laughed so hard you couldn’t get off the ground. Had a fight with someone that’s still unresolved. Cheated on someone. Been cheated on. Held a gun. Used a gun. Performed/presented in front of at least twenty people. Bought something that cost at least a thousand dollars/pounds. Watched at least one full season of a show. Broken something in anger. Told someone something you were really afraid to admit. Updated your Facebook status. Read or written fanfiction. Been on a plane. Been hospitalized for anything at all. Broken a bone. Been in a car accident. Bought a new item of clothing. Left the country. Prayed to God. Been so disappointed in something you cried. Had sex with more than three different people. Stolen something from a shop or from someone. Kept a diary/journal for the majority of the year. Seen someone die. Killed someone. Got into a fist fight while sober. Seen someone famous. Slept outside involuntarily. Been assaulted by someone. Threatened with a gun or a different weapon. Played an instrument. Played a video game all the way to the end. Finished a whole bottle of wine on your own. Smoked. Went out for meal with someone. Petted an animal that isn’t your own pet. Went to a swimming pool.

[parktxae]

Taehyung could accept that. He wasn’t an asshole who would make her give it to him, because he knew that if he were in her place as well he would probably feel the same. Of course he didn’t know her entire story or whatever it was that made her want it this way but he could accept that and wait. “Yeah?” He mumbled, deciding to place the next kiss on her lips. “Take your time, when it happens..I want you to know it’s right. And if that’s what you need then I can wait for you. I’ll always wait for you in everything.” Taehyung rubbed circles with his thumbs into her sides. “You know I love you right babygirl? I can’t imagine what it would feel like to not love you.” He bet it would hurt too much, love was the only real thing he had and needed in his life and his whole world would crash down the moment he couldn’t feel it anymore. He depended on the emotion itself and he knew it was his only tie to staying sane in this messed up world. A world he never really wanted to be in but he still had so much love and passion and hope. “Dressed up all pretty for me and giving me a party I wasn’t expecting. You just make me the happiest, you could do anything and I would still find myself even more and more in love with you.” Taehyung knew that what they had was possibly the most special thing he had. And he planned to do it right. “I want to keep this thing that we have. Whatever you need to tell me, just know that you can. I’m not letting you go that easily.”

[parktxae]

Taehyung didn’t fully understand what was happening until he looked up to face the person he didn’t think he was particularly happy about seeing. And while he’d love to pretend he wasn’t listening and just leave, it would be kind of odd when she was quite literally the only person around him. “I know.” But he didn’t care too much, not when he was having an inner battle with his feelings and he’d probably have to take up a little bit more time for himself in the rain until he got over himself. “I don’t want to right now though, can you just, can you leave me alone for a moment? I’ll still come to work just fine.” Taehyung couldn’t help the breaking in his voice. He just genuinely wanted to be left alone. Maybe he’d end up with a fever and runny nose but nothing he hadn’t dealt with before. Taehyung didn’t know what it felt like to lose yourself and put down your guard in front of another person and he was hoping he wouldn’t do that in front of his least favorite person. He didn’t hate Soonhee nor was he friends with her in any way. But she was his leader and well he couldn’t help getting the negative feelings he did whenever she was around. He in fact did hate who he was. And she was just another nasty reminder of that. He was suddenly standing up on shaky legs and his grip tightened onto the box he was holding. “Soonhee, please. I’m not feeling the best right now or else you’d probably be rolling your eyes at another one of my stupid jokes by now. And you probably don’t care anyways so let me catch hypothermia or whatever.” He had already begun to drop his head so he didn’t have to face the same person who had always stricken him with fear.

[sweetener]

✌🏻& ❤️

[parktxae]

If there was one thing in his life Taehyung loved the most, it was love itself. Just the idea of giving and receiving love as if it was a present on Christmas Day. It was something beautiful. And while he loved his mother and for awhile he knew she gave the same love to him, that same warming feeling he got from seeing her come home everyday was suddenly gone. She didn’t come home for Taehyung anymore and she didn’t care to love him the same way a mother should love their child. It just wasn’t the same anymore. And it hurt, it really did. His mother, she hurt him so much. But he couldn’t bring himself to do anything about it. At the same time he knew there was always a solution he couldn’t help but to feel at times that he was too late. “You don’t have to say I love you for me to know you do. I can feel it, right here.” He placed his hand over her wrist to place on his chest, right where his heart was. Because it was true, he didn’t need to hear the words themselves. He just needed to be able to feel it. Words weren’t enough for him, as beautiful as they were. Hearing it from his mother’s alcohol smelling mouth seemed to suck the same feeling he was used to feeling from those same words away. As much as he believed that words could hold so much meaning he couldn’t feel it much as he had hoped he would. He didn’t get it anymore, words could be as meaningless as they were full of meaning. It was too confusing for him, as most things about love were. Just thinking about it seemed to put a damper on his mood and suddenly he was standing up and pulling Ahyeong into his chest so he could wrap his arms around her. “Sorry the hug was sudden right?” He chuckled, “It’s because I was thinking about things I didn’t want to think about. Sometimes it’s hard to be happy all the time, but I try anyways.” His lips found their place on her exposed shoulder, as intimate the action it was also as loving. “I just..I want to love you down. You deserve it so much babygirl. I’ve never been so happy before in my life and I can’t imagine how this could have been any better.” Another kiss, leading to him dropping his hands to her waist to hold her close. “Only if you’ll let me of course.” 

[parktxae]

For some reason, and it was hard for him to explain really, Taehyung felt guilty. Guilt, was not a thing he was used to feeling. Regret maybe, but not guilt. It was probably his least favorite feeling in the world and he would give anything to make it go away. It had always been there though. Stabbing him from the very back of his heart at random times of the day and it had taken him awhile to realize why and when it came. Taehyung felt guilty because he was a Snake. Yes, he barely fit any definition of the world itself. But by the ink on his left ankle he was bound to that title for a lifetime. Or until his own was over. Even if he didn’t directly commit any crimes or participate in the fact that Snakes were known to mess shit up for fun. And maybe that was the thing that made him feel the most guilty. The fact that even though he didn’t think of himself as a Snake at all but still worked as one wasn’t a good feeling. It was like how you were told to do what would make you happy in life. And while Taehyung did want to be a scientist and he did accomplish that in some sense. He was still putting together drugs for a group of people he couldn’t even feel himself trusting completely. A group of people who made him feel like absolutely shit as a human being. And it wasn’t as if he personally resented them or felt any sort of hatred for them. It was mostly that he hated himself for thinking it would be a good idea to do this with his life. Simply for some extra cash he felt like he didn’t deserve. When it came to people like Ahyeong he knew he could forget about who he was for a second to be happy for a few moments before he had to go back to hating his life. And maybe that was a little too harsh but with the environment they were living in now. Was it really? He didn’t think so. 

He wanted all of these things to not matter to him. But shutting this side of his brain off seemed to make it worse because now he was shivering in the rain with a box of his things, crouched outside his apartment building. It was a small neighborhood so others had probably heard what had happened earlier. The tear of papers, the clattering of objects falling on the ground and the moment he had decided to sit down and sob. It was probably the first time in awhile that his apartment had been loud. But they probably didn’t hear the sound of his heart breaking. Because Taehyung did. And that was what had probably induced the ringing in his ears. He didn’t think of the mess he was making or how much noise he made that would probably result in a noise complaint. He could only feel his chest clench and tears fall from his eyes uncontrollably while he filled the box. Then he found himself sitting on the steps outside his place, a box filled to the brim with seemingly miscellaneous things from the first glance. But it was science fair trophies and paintings from art contests or the various school pictures he had. On one section where old, broken glasses and bottles of soju he had never thrown out from his mothers room he had never entered in years. He kept the box close to him as his body shook and his teeth chattered from the cold. What did he want to do with the box in the first place? The plan had been to throw it away. But fuck, could he really do it? Did he even want to do this? He didn’t know what he wanted at all. It had all occurred in a flash and now that he was at the last phase, he couldn’t bring himself to do it. Which only furthered the aching in his chest.

“I-I can’t. Fuck, I can’t do it.”

[parktxae]

For some reason, and it was hard for him to explain really, Taehyung felt guilty. Guilt, was not a thing he was used to feeling. Regret maybe, but not guilt. It was probably his least favorite feeling in the world and he would give anything to make it go away. It had always been there though. Stabbing him from the very back of his heart at random times of the day and it had taken him awhile to realize why and when it came. Taehyung felt guilty because he was a Snake. Yes, he barely fit any definition of the world itself. But by the ink on his left ankle he was bound to that title for a lifetime. Or until his own was over. Even if he didn’t directly commit any crimes or participate in the fact that Snakes were known to mess shit up for fun. And maybe that was the thing that made him feel the most guilty. The fact that even though he didn’t think of himself as a Snake at all but still worked as one wasn’t a good feeling. It was like how you were told to do what would make you happy in life. And while Taehyung did want to be a scientist and he did accomplish that in some sense. He was still putting together drugs for a group of people he couldn’t even feel himself trusting completely. A group of people who made him feel like absolutely shit as a human being. And it wasn’t as if he personally resented them or felt any sort of hatred for them. It was mostly that he hated himself for thinking it would be a good idea to do this with his life. Simply for some extra cash he felt like he didn’t deserve. When it came to people like Ahyeong he knew he could forget about who he was for a second to be happy for a few moments before he had to go back to hating his life. And maybe that was a little too harsh but with the environment they were living in now. Was it really? He didn’t think so. 

He wanted all of these things to not matter to him. But shutting this side of his brain off seemed to make it worse because now he was shivering in the rain with a box of his things, crouched outside his apartment building. It was a small neighborhood so others had probably heard what had happened earlier. The tear of papers, the clattering of objects falling on the ground and the moment he had decided to sit down and sob. It was probably the first time in awhile that his apartment had been loud. But they probably didn’t hear the sound of his heart breaking. Because Taehyung did. And that was what had probably induced the ringing in his ears. He didn’t think of the mess he was making or how much noise he made that would probably result in a noise complaint. He could only feel his chest clench and tears fall from his eyes uncontrollably while he filled the box. Then he found himself sitting on the steps outside his place, a box filled to the brim with seemingly miscellaneous things from the first glance. But it was science fair trophies and paintings from art contests or the various school pictures he had. On one section where old, broken glasses and bottles of soju he had never thrown out from his mothers room he had never entered in years. He kept the box close to him as his body shook and his teeth chattered from the cold. What did he want to do with the box in the first place? The plan had been to throw it away. But fuck, could he really do it? Did he even want to do this? He didn’t know what he wanted at all. It had all occurred in a flash and now that he was at the last phase, he couldn’t bring himself to do it. Which only furthered the aching in his chest.

“I-I can’t. Fuck, I can’t do it.”

[fymonsta-x]

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