insomnia's pen

i'm jacob and here are my words

[partially-lost-soul]

I dont know which was more destructive

the cheap wine running down my throat, giving me a false high, followed by an even deeper relapse

the cigarettes that blackened my lungs and yellowed my teeth

or the lies that your lips left on my body, when you took every goddamn ounce of love left in my heart, and threw it out the second you walked out the door

[partially-lost-soul]

45.839352°N, 89.504589°W

I stood on the edge of that cold, motionless lake, and I screamed into the night sky.

I threw your name into the blackness. I stood wond'ring, but heard nothing but a deafening silence.

I screamed that I loved you; I proclaimed it to the skies above. But merely silence greeted me in return.

I wept bitterly, "Where are you now, why have you left me alone to my despairing thoughts?"

But not even a whisper came down in reply.

I stood in utter silence, not even daring to breathe.  And suddenly, the thunder roared, the lighting came crashing down, and the skies opened up all around me.

And in that moment every doubt fled from my mind, for I finally truly knew that I was loved.

[October 9, 2017 || 1:06 a.m.]

[partially-lost-soul]

If I could relive one moment, it would be the first time you told me you loved me. That was the happiest moment of my life. If I could experience that unforgettable joy over and over again I wouldn’t hesitate. Hell, any of the times would do. Any of those 4 times you told me you loved me would be enough to get me by. But you broke me. You took hold of my heart and smashed it on the cracked pavement like it had done you wrong. Did I do you wrong? Was my love too much, too little? Did I hold on too goddamn tight to those words? I don’t know if it was my fault or your fault, or anyone’s fault, I just know you took a piece of me when you left. You took my heart with you, and I’m too terrified to ask for it back. For I fear that you threw it out and forgot about it long ago. So I’ll just sit in desperate silence, wishing you’d someday come back.

~j.a.h. {April 5, 2017 || 9:27 p.m.}

[partially-lost-soul]

Who the fuck do you think you are; walking into my life and thinking you own my goddamn heart. My heart doesn’t belong to you. My heart belongs to the mountain air and the crystal blue lakes. My heart belongs to the boy with blue eyes like a glaxay and an honest tongue. My heart belongs to the weathered guitar in the hands of an artist filled with soul. My heart belongs to the gentle touch of a loving heart and the quiet listening minds. My heart is unbounded in love, yet only where it’s due. My heart doesn’t belong to you. It’s got mountains to climb, and souls to mend, but no time to be wasted on you.

~j.a.h. {April 1, 2017 || 11:36 p.m.}

[partially-lost-soul]

Life is hard. Life is unimaginably hard. So when you find yourself with tear-streaked cheeks and your bloody hand through a door, don't give up. When your skin feels so foreign and repulsive that you just want to tear it off and claw out your insides, don't give up. When the tiles are stained red and the blade is worn dull, don't give up. When your mind is exhausted and your heart is shipwrecked in emotion, don't give up. When your shaking fingers can't write down a last letter to your parents, don't give up. Life is hard. But you're stronger. You're always stronger. Life may have broken you, but it can't ever beat you. 'Cause you're a survivor.

~j.a.h. {January 30, 2017 || 10:43 p.m.}

[partially-lost-soul]

The sound of heartbreak is not always audible screams or even the slightest of whispers. For sometimes a broken heart is heard in the piercing silence that shakes the core of even the strongest of souls.

~j.a.h. {January 25, 2017 ||8:41 p.m.}

[partially-lost-soul]

"How can you love me?" she asked. "I can't even find a reason I should love myself." He laughed and replied: "Oh baby, you're more lovely and priceless than words can express. And I plan on proving it to you for as long as fate allows." A tear rolled down her cheek and she opened her mouth to speak, but her lips couldn't form words to express the overwhelming joy she felt. ~j.a.h. {9/7/16}

[partially-lost-soul]

"You know what; I don't give a damn!" he screamed. "I honestly could care less that I broke your heart, and I'll be perfectly happy if I never see you again." She stared at him with flowing tears and stifled sobs as he turned and stormed out the door. Her heart was crushed by the only one she cared about anymore. He threw it all away for one, stupid night. Anger turned to horror as he walked our the door and realized what he had just done. His stomach turned at the disgust and self hate he felt from the beautiful thing he had thrown away. He tried to scream but nothing came out. His world went black I'm a matter of seconds. "Goddamn," he thought. "Who knew self-destruction could be so easy." ~j.a.h. {January 6, 2017 || 1:28 a.m.}

[partially-lost-soul]

Unanswerable Questions

Goddamn, where do the days go? How did I manage to miss the sight of my childhood disappearing beyond the horizon? Why do memories always seem more perfect than in the moment? Why do so many hearts get broken so badly that they'll never fully recover? How can this world be such a cruel, destructive place? Why is human nature so deperately wicked? What is the cause this hollow ache in my soul? How the hell are we supposed to cope with the utter melancholy that surrounds our minds? Am I gonna marry her and spend my whole life with her? Will these goddamn questions ever end? ~j.a.h. {December 31, 2016 || 12:06 a.m.}

[partially-lost-soul]

A Summer Night

I look o'er the hillside and I see her silhouette Her frame is gently moonlit as she smokes a cigarette

Her composure screams a freedom of a heart that is so young It’s obvious she doesn’t care that smoking kills her lungs

She’s smiling just so she forgets the fight she had that morn’ The words thrown at her by her mother were spoken in scorn

She’s trying to live in a way that will leave no regrets The words of warning spoken by her mother she forgets

She dresses in a way to catch the eyes of all the boys But I can see her beauty displayed in her perfect poise

Now she’s running down the hillside her laugh ringing through the trees Her hair is gently blowing around in the midnight breeze

She pulls me to the ground and points her finger to the sky She whispers that she cannot fathom how it is so high

As she whispers I can smell the beer she drank tonight Her eyes light up like diamonds in the glow of the moonlight

We reminisced on all the times we’ve had our midnight drives We talked and laughed for hours forgetting our outside lives

As the sun came up and we drove off; I couldn’t help but smile I haven’t had a night that was so perfect in a while.

As I drive home, I lift a prayer to either God or fate I pray that all my life is filled with memories so great

~j.a.h. {May 21, 216 || 12:33 a.m.}

[partially-lost-soul]

Real love is an action, not merely an emotion.

~j.a.h. {December 25, 2016 || 9:38 a.m.}

[partially-lost-soul]

I want to look at her sleeping peacefully next to me one day and think, “Goddamn, we made it. We really made it."

~j.a.h. {December 24, 2016 || 10:52 p.m.}

[partially-lost-soul]

His heart wandered; her heart caved in

~j.a.h. {December 23, 2016 || 9:48 p.m.}

[partially-lost-soul]

Her demons cut her to pieces while he silently looks on She’s destroying herself and he refuses to be her savior When she is gone he’ll have blood on his hands

~j.a.h. {December 23, 2016 || 9:11 p.m.}

[partially-lost-soul]

Two teenagers Too much in love Wrapped up in bed Souls intertwined ~j.a.h. {December 22, 2016 || 10:56 p.m.}

[partially-lost-soul]

Withdrawals

Kiss me baby, so I can feel something again, even if it's just my heart beating against my chest so hard I think it might explode. Just the taste of your lips could restore life to this empty heart. My shaking fingers could be still once again if simply fit within your gentle grasp. ~j.a.h. {December 21, 2016 || 9:08 p.m.}

[partially-lost-soul]

The Night

Utter darkness and suffocation have swallowed up my mind. The light in the distance, my only source of hope, has fallen beneath the horizon of this terrifying place. All I have left is a memory, a shred of light, but even that is becoming blurred and distant. My thoughts are plotting vile and evil things, whispering corruption against my heart's will. I am desperately afraid that my hands will obey the dark commands of my mind. I am surrounded by a deafening silence, but my mind will not stop screaming these awful things. I have never felt so hopelessly alone before. Will this blackness ever leave? For I fear that if the light does not return soon, I might not live to see the morning sun. ~j.a.h. {December 19, 2016 || 11:31 p.m.}