So I donât have my journal with me, which is the only reason Iâm posting this online, but maybe God will use it to speak to someone!
Long story short, my two best friends and I here at school signed a lease recently to live off-campus. It all came together seamlessly; on Wednesday night, the 3 other girls we were going to live with on campus dropped, and by Saturday, we had a house. God was so in it, we had a peace that surpassed all understanding, and when we leaned not on our own understanding but on Godâs, He made straight our paths. We rejoiced like crazy and have been so excited since.
The thing is, since Iâm technically a sophomore next year instead of a junior like them (due to my gap year), Iâm still bound to my schoolâs 2 year on-campus residency requirement. I had heard of people getting out of this for various reasons, so I figured I wouldnât have an issue with it, especially since my grievance is medical. Since coming to school here and eating the food my school offers, Iâve been sick weekly. I developed a gluten-intolerance that lasted several months that eventually went away, but I still very regularly end up sick to my stomach, bloated, in awful pain after eating on campus. My parents have spent hundreds of dollars on groceries as Iâve wasted my pre-paid meal swipes since I get so sick. I explained all this, and mentioned my gap year and the fact that I lived on my own last year and also will be 21 this summer, in my request to be released from the rule.
We signed the lease before I was approved.....and then I wasnât approved. I didnât sweat it, because I have heard they always say no at first but relent if your parents get involved. Well, my parents sent several lengthy emails appealing the decision and saying that it is a requirement that I live off-campus and that we have already signed a legally binding lease with 2 other girls.
Today, they denied my appeal. I spiraled into a mess of anger, stress, frustration, anxiety, and fear. What will we do now? I thought. What can we possibly do? It will be so terrible to get out of this lease, which came together so perfectly, and ruin this for Olivia and Anna and lose the money we paid on the security deposit and have to each live who knows where on campus with who knows whom. Itâs not fair! I shouted. This is ridiculous! Absurd! How dare they! How inconsiderate of them! In essence, I threw a hissy fit for not getting just what I wanted, when I wanted it, how I wanted it.
Truthfully, Iâm still a little angry. Iâm definitely upset and disappointed. Iâm still stressed and anxious and fearful. Iâm still worried. I still feel foolish and small and weak, powerless, helpless, pathetic, stupid.
What a perfect state in which to âthen with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of needâ (Hebrews 4:16). It hurts to stop squirming and flailing, planning and kicking and screaming, manipulating and controlling and fretting. It hurts to sit in my powerlessness. It hurts me to look down at myself and see how sinful my reaction to this blow has been. Thus far, I have not âcounted it all joyâ when I have met âtrials of various kindsâ (James 1:2). I have stomped my feet and complained and thrown a distrusting side eye at God. I donât understand! Iâve told him. You made everything come together so perfectly, and now this?! What are You doing up there?!
What I should have asked in response to this news, upon looking into my sinful heart, is âwhat are You asking me to let you do in here?â My heart recoils within me at the thought of not getting my way and then being utterly, unbearably powerless as I pray and trust that someone other than me will handle it. Even when that someone is the God of the universe that created me and delights in my prayers (âthe prayer of the upright is his delightâ [Proverbs 15:8]). **Side note: I am the least upright - it is God, not our own goodness, that makes man and woman upright** But, more importantly, Godâs heart recoils within him at the thought of abandoning me in my sinfulness; His compassion overflows (Hosea 11:8), and He chooses to save me. Even now, when I claim to be a bond-servant for His name and serve instead my fears, anxieties, and quick temper.
Do I absolutely hate the thought of not getting to live in this house with my 2 best friends? Yep, it is far from ideal, and I admit that I will be pretty upset if it doesnât work out. BUT, Godâs goodness is not dependent upon His fulfillment of my present wants and wishes. If God removes me from this plan (even if I felt sure that He Himself had organized it perfectly), then itâs because He is being good to me. Itâs because He is loving me well. âFor the LORD God is a sun and shield; the LORD bestows favor and honor. No good thing does he withhold from those who walk uprightlyâ (Psalm 84:11). Godâs plans and Godâs plans alone are the ones that will prosper me: âFor I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hopeâ (Jeremiah 29:11).
I can hate what I see all I want, but if I look beyond the exterior of what I think I want, Iâll see myself - sinful, weak, unwise, unknowing, faithless. And if I look beyond what I claim to despise, I am confident Iâll see the One who loves me enough to give it to me despite my tantrums - holy, strong, wise, all-knowing, faithful. Iâll see my God, and it is my God that I truly want. âMy soul thirsts for God, for the living God. When can I go and meet with God?â (Psalm 42:2). Praise God that the answer is âright here!â The answer is âright now!â God, forgive my overt distrust of Your goodness, Your love, Your ability. Somehow, I have found myself in this unbelievable, too-good-to-be-true place of being called âthe man [woman] whom the king delights to honorâ (Esther 6:7). And I pray for the meekness, trust, and peace to rest and rejoice in this identity that I never could have earned on my own.