Dilettante/Savant

I'm a kid. I write often and share sometimes.

[patchoulifuckingincense]

let's get stoned and explore the town buy too much coffee and flowers and books until we max our cards. let's drag ourselves home and lay for a while and talk about life.

[patchoulifuckingincense]

i know it has been years since we separated, 

since you extracted your colors from mine...

but today i miss you. today i want you back.

i know you are happy and i hope i will be

separately, of course, but it's strange

and i'm not sure it should be.

[patchoulifuckingincense]

i remember when we were only pouring the gasoline,

we could have stopped it, but somewhere, 

someone lit a match and we are engulfed

in the flames that maybe you didn't create

and maybe i didn't create, but that we

definitely created and i can't see shit but red

[patchoulifuckingincense]

i should drink alone

so i can make my thoughts

sound poetic but

all i know is 

if you asked me to love you

right now, i probably would

and right now i might

tell you but you

are not asking for me to

anymore, you don't want me

anymore

[patchoulifuckingincense]

there's this longing in me

for a home i've never been to

and i can't even imagine it

but i can almost feel its warmth

if i squeeze my eyes shut.

[patchoulifuckingincense]

rise

depression is not a sinking feeling

it rises like fog in the night

heavy heat in an old house

like a fucking gun to the head

and it eats you bottom up

and if it sunk maybe

i could fucking bury it 

maybe i could breathe if it

were at my feet

or in the bottom of my stomach

but it has risen and filled me

with emptiness and

fear and the fingers of it

have risen to my throat

[patchoulifuckingincense]

your back looks so cute i need to take a picture you smell good even when you smell bad you look like and 80's music video when you flip the record with sex hair you feel so good

[patchoulifuckingincense]

i'm high and it's night

and i'm thinking about how our bodies

fit together nice

[patchoulifuckingincense]

there is no sound so victorious

as our breaths climbing in harmony

fast tempo, arms locked around

each other's necks, teeth on each other's

shoulders, and the sweet,

slowing breathing as we lay together

a mosaic of light and life and ecstacy

[patchoulifuckingincense]

I have bad stick and pokes

and I roll bad cigarettes

my clothes never match

and I always spill my coffee

but I want you to need me

like the way I need

to see your tongue poke out

when you're on top

the way I need

to touch the scar on your eyebrow

and the rip in your shirt.

I hope you know

I'm always holding back

an "I love you"

[patchoulifuckingincense]

bayard

how strange it was to return

where everything was the same

while i was not

how strange it was to look

at the same house cat

to smell the same walls

and to have absolutely none of it

relate to me at all

[patchoulifuckingincense]

i can remember how you take your tea

what brand of tobacco you buy

the color of your towel

that scar on your cheek

the shape of your jaw when you laugh

the massiveness of your pupils

yet i don't listen, i don't care

[patchoulifuckingincense]

drowning, when the water rises above my head

and still all i can think about is your lips

and the soft way we kiss goodbye

how it's never really goodbye

something is so slow

this love is in no hurry.

[patchoulifuckingincense]

the universe is breathing

through every floating rock

every lost human

everything rises

everything falls

everything rises and falls

the chest of the world

beats with a heart

full of stardust and magic.

the fall will not last

god, remember

the fall is not the last say

[patchoulifuckingincense]

toilet bowls

there’s a thing

deeper than bones

but it crunches

just the same

and all the warmth

beneath your skin

turns to fire.

didn’t curling

over toilet bowls

satisfy you yet?

or are you

going to keep going?

disco pupils

vomit breath

fear, fear, fear

one of these days

you won’t wake up

like a soldier against

the wind.

one of these nights

is going to take you.

[patchoulifuckingincense]

gauze

your home smells like a hospital. i could have loved you in another light, a softer light but you saw my flaws fluoresced on an operating table. i've fallen for so many, i've loved so few. do not think you can save me or that i need to be saved, that is part of the trap and you don't deserve it. close your eyes if you're tired of my face and close your heart if i hurt it, love me with your fingertips and maybe i can do the same but i broke other promises. do you feel my words anymore or only my tongue? i promise i could have loved you and i promise i'll still try.

[patchoulifuckingincense]

black

burning bridges and trying to cross their ashen remains, this is how i live my life. who needs love when you have tongues and teeth and drugs, rushing hands. i want to wake up and be someone better, not leaving nights in the dark of mind. i want to wake up and smile and say, this is how i live my life.