Paul's Thoughts Organized

I think a lot...it never really stops. This is where I write a little fraction of it down in hopes to stay organized, possibly saving my sanity in the process. I hope you enjoy it.

[paulertheman-blog]

Goals and Priorities Reformulated

Over the past couple of days I've been feeling rather purposeless in life.  I know, I know: "Everybody has those days."  Nope...not me.  I refuse to live like that.  So here's what I'm doing about it, whether you care or not:

Long Term Goals Organized:

Religious Primary Principles:

  1.     Maintain 2 eyes on God at all times.

2.     Never put anything in front of God - give priority to RUF Bible Study, service opportunities, and church attendance when presented with alternate opportunities.

3.     Increase involvement in the scriptures and try to listen for God’s voice throughout everyday life. 

4.     Never take more than what you need.  This applies to food as well as money.  Give anything other than what you need to charities. 

    Productivity:

  1.     Be more conscious of what I intend to gain from any activity I engage myself in.

2.     Improve focus on the activity at hand experimenting w and w/out medication.

3.      Stay off Social Networking sites unless necessary until all work for the day is complete.

4.     Always review schedule for the next day before social networking sites are accessed

  Social:

  1.      Be less concerned with impressing others at all times.  Relax and be confident in yourself, no matter how weird and quirky that self may be.

2.     Expand social horizons and maintain a friendly approachable attitude.

3.     Think before you speak, but once it’s said learn to defend it or recover.

4.     Keep up with Ellie and visit her as often as possible.  Make sure she knows I’ve got her back.

  Personality:

  1.     Try to keep spontaneous on the weekends as much as possible

2.     Work on self-discipline.  KEEP THESE GOALS!  

[paulertheman-blog]

God, Girl, and Beyond

Howdy, Tumblr-folk!  What’s that, you ask?  You want to know what’s on my mind?  Oh, okay.  Let me get it all organized. 

              The most prominent thing on my mind currently is my religion and the priority that I’m giving it.  If you’ve been reading this blog, you can probably tell that I came from a good place faith-wise, at least that’s how it looks from the outside.  In elementary school specifically, I remember heading up to good ole’ White Plains UMC every Wednesday night in order to attend rehearsals for both the children’s choir and the children’s hand-bell choir.  I guess these were my first “ensembles.”  Anyways, turns out that it wasn’t by choice that I was attending these – my parents had been dragging me there for so many years and as soon as I graduated out of elementary school and was given the choice to drop the ensembles, I did.  I was uninvolved aside from going to church on Sundays, which my parents forced me to do.  Then similarly to what’s happening now, I cam back to both the ensembles and then progressed to increasing my involvement, eventually becoming more active youth group and joining the youth praise band at church.  This is what I’m doing right now, is coming back to where I came from.  God’s always there to welcome me back, which is a relief.  After much pondering, I came to the realization that I had completely lost focus on God in my life. I’ve laid out a plan (“Cranfills are planners.”  -Bruce Cranfill) to come back to and live my life closer to God again.  I am joining a few more small groups, specifically bible studies, because I definitely want to be able to hear God’s voice through the bible so that I’m not just guessing blindly at what I’m supposed to be doing with myself.  I’m going to be less lazy with service opportunities, and more focused on living FOR God in general.  This is leading me to a better place in many senses, and it was inevitable that I come back to the God.

              Second big thing on my mind is my lovely girlfriend, Ellie!  This one has been a long time coming.  Thank God we found each other – I can definitely see a lot of good coming from this.  I’m going to do my best to be a rocking boyfriend, because that’s what she deserves.  But I’m going to refrain from really talking about this most of the time, because it’s not a public matter in my opinion.  

              Third biggest thing on my mind is that I’m making a lot of big big big plans for both this semester and for the summer.  This semester I intend on (I’m still straightening the details out) taking a 19-hour schedule!  I’ve got so much to say about why I’m excited about my classes, but if you really want to know it all, just talk to me.  I’m not going to type it out all here. 

            In the summer I’m going to try to RA, work at the Music Library (20 hours a week), and take 6 semester hours worth of summer classes.  I’m probably going to take intro to Hebrew scripture (the first part of the Old Testament) and Intro to New Testament, which obviously ties in with the religious aspect of life.  (Wait, isn’t every aspect of life a religious aspect of life?)  I can’t wait to experience Boone during the summer and make money doing it at the same time.  

[paulertheman-blog]

Herp derp...random thoughts

On "The Man"...

            Sometimes I feel like a prisoner.  I've been doing a little thinking on this covert but omnipresent feeling of captivity that has been brewing in the back of my brain for these last couple of months in particular, and I've come up with several things that can hold us all captive.  This is all in a figurative sense, of course...don't worry: I'm not in jail.  Among these first historical, then societal, media-induced, and eventually internally projected prison-holds, are religion, a concoction of media-induced opinions and ideals, cultural traditions, common morality, and law, among others.  These can all come from a wide variety of sources.  When woven together and presented to us they become an intrinsic sense of what it means to be "normal".  

            I'm afraid of normal.  What is normal?  Here in America, it's aptly titled “the American Dream.”  Depending on the technical definition of “middle-class,” it may represent as much as 66 percent of America’s population.  Because of this clear-cut “majority” group, the media has represented the consumer for decades as a middle-class citizen, and consumers have followed suit in striving to achieve such an image like so, buying into the 2 story houses in suburbia, the white picket fences, and most of the products that they’ve sold to us historically.  Not only do they sell us products, but they often sell us our values and ideals.  We’ve been given our ideal everything from them, from ideal house, to ideal refrigerator, to ideal Christmas family get-together. 

            The legislature of this country is all based around such a system of families often governed by Christian-based morals, as evidenced by the tax cut given to married couples verses singles.  Sometimes from my eyes it looks like the government has given us this enormous labyrinth of activities, societal niches, and ideals to follow, and it all culminates into one single story that we’re meant to follow.  It gives us a purpose to live, a reason to work, and pushes us along to do everything in between.  Everything’s been done before and is controlled by someone else in power, someone else whom we can’t trust not to manipulate us into unknowingly serving a purpose that we didn’t formally intend on serving.  We have our jobs which keep us busy during the week, and our families keep us busy at all the other times.  When we’re on vacation (with our families) we can go hike along premade trails made for us by the municipal governments along with the larger state and national parks.  We can't go off the trails - more limitations.  We follow the media ideals given to us of a “perfect” body so religiously that we’ll waste our time on the treadmill, the gerbil wheel for humans, working out just to look good.  Perhaps I’m just feeling cynical at the moment, but sometimes it looks like it’s all just some gigantic gerbil cage filled with the tubes that go up and all around.  The gerbil explores the cage endlessly feeling a sense of freedom greater than the other animals in different cages due to its seemingly endless network of tunnels.  It doesn’t realize that it’s actually imprisoned itself and can never leave the tunnels within the confines of its cage without the consent of its owner.  Obliviously it is satisfied with its own being and life of perspective relative “freedom,” and scurries around his cage busily until one day it dies there, in the same cage where it started.  It will never catch on to how little of a difference it actually made.  No matter how many gerbils are in there they’re not going to make any progress in actually going anywhere until they all come to the realization that the tunnels, their mode of transport, are also what’s keeping them in.

This is why I'm scared of normal.  Who wants to grow up and become just one of everyone else, having a job, finding a wife, and raising kids, then finally retiring?  Well, almost everyone does.  It's the American Dream, and it's been instilled in our minds through the media since the day we were born, and has thoroughly infiltrated every nook and cranny within our minds.  Even I want to be part of it, however, despite this desire and undeniable appeal of the American Dream, there does seem to be something sinister about it.  

  If this topic interests you, I recommend that your read “Ishmael,” written by Daniel Quinn.  A lot of these thought processes from that last little essay came out of the book.  It would be pretty depressing, but since a talking gorilla says it all, it’s only mildly depressing. Kudos to all you talking gorillas out there; you make me happy.

  ---

  Can I just ask…Why is weed illegal?  Someone give me a legitimate justified reason.  I’d present the argument on why all it should be legal and talk about why it’s illegal in actuality, but I’ll bet you already know all of that.

  ---

            How is it that our legal system can be so screwed up?  It makes me sad that, although not originally designed to be this way, money can be more of a factor in whether a person pays for his or her crime than whether or not they actually did it.  I don’t have time to talk about this.  Maybe I’ll write about it later.

  ---

  Why is it that some of the nicest and most genuine girls always fall for the douchey guys who will never actually care about them in a relationship for any reason other than the sex they’re getting out of it.  Sucks to be a respectful guy these days.

  ---

I'm finally getting somewhat involved in politics and I'm trying to follow this 2012 presidential election.  I'm striving to understand what each candidate stands for and understand the election process to the best of my ability.  As I discover my political tendencies I'm finding out many things about myself.  As of right now, I WANT to be conservative and give the power to the people whenever possible.  However, I think the liberal perspective will be more beneficial for America in the long run.  Without government intervention, our economy will directly reflect the majority selfish attitude of our citizens.  The rich will get richer, and the poor will get poorer and sicker.  As unfortunate as this is, and as well off as I might be, looking at my situation within the system as a middle-class citizen, I feel that we do need more government intervention in the economy.  Argue with me, Please...I'm one of the most open minded people you'll meet, and I just formulated this theory over the last couple weeks.

---

  Well, now that it’s all said and…well I really just said it.  That’s all I did…  Suddenly I feel like it’s me against the world.  I’m not unhappy, really.  These thoughts have just been traversing the crevices of my brain for far too long and I had to get them off of there.  On a lighter note, I hammock-camped last night with some friends here in Cary.  The low in the morning was 25 degrees…nbd.  2012NOREGRETS!!!  Haha, but really – I don’t regret it at all.  It was an opportunity to meet new people and bond over a shared and (if I have any sense) once-in-a-lifetime experience.

[paulertheman-blog]

Long Term Goals for Spring 2012

I have a Word file that I call "Continual Lists."  It's where I keep my packing lists, to do lists, and long term goals, objectives, and initiatives, among other things.  These are several long term goals that I have formulated during the Fall 2011 Semester and intend to continue working on for the Spring 2012 semester.  Undoubtedly I will eventually add more initiatives as I see fit, but this is what I have as of now.  Believe it or not, I try to take these seriously, and discussing whether or not I'm meeting these goals helps me to grow.

LONG TERM GOALS:

  1. Be more conscious of what I intend to gain from any

 activity that I engage myself in.

  2. Increase work ethic and further define the line between work and play, emphasizing focus on the activity at hand.  Schedule first, then execute.

  3. Increase consistent self-discipline whenever possible, engaging in harmless exercises to practice doing as such.  

  4. Be more aware of financial decisions and be more intentional about not only saving money whenever possible, but being more environmentally sustainable with the little things.  (glass cups/bottles, recycling, etc.)

  5. Be less concerned with impressing others at all times. Be yourself.  This will result in an increase in self-confidence as well as outgoingness.  In summary: Relax, dude. 

  6. Increase boldness and speak your mind.  If you want to say sorry, say it.  If you want to be affectionate, be affectionate.  This only applies to the positives.

  7. Expand social horizons.  Build connection beyond the 9th floor, beyond Coltrane, and beyond only music majors.  Learn to balance social life and academics.

---

It's interesting to watch as the trend shifts over the course of the semester from work ethic and time management at the genesis to social and interpersonal issues towards the end.

[paulertheman-blog]

My name is Paul Cranfill, and I have a comparative personality.

"What's a comparative personality?," you ask.  I'll give you this much: I just made it up off the top of my head.  However, you should be able to figure it out for yourself.  I'm going to go ahead and start this one from the beginning...

Over the summer I rediscovered this girl who I went to middle school with.  She had always been pretty, but since middle school she had really blossomed.  If that sounded creepy, just disregard it.  But my point is that she had gone from really pretty to breathtakingly gorgeous.  She happened to be involved in the same friend group that I was heavily invested in, and we ended up hanging out one night at a party thrown by this "marginally cooler" group of friends that I got close with in July and August.  If you want to learn more about them, just read my blogs from that time period.  Anyways, we ended up cuddling through the night (these were co-ed sleepover parties), which in itself is not a big deal, honestly.  But I decided that I liked her, and I thought that she had feelings for me so we got to talking and both confirmed that the feeling was mutual.  Within a week I put a date together.  I don't want to go into too much detail with this, because this story isn't about the girl, no matter how fantastic she may be in my eyes.  We talked the entire time through and got to know each other a lot better, as is expected from a first date.  I could read her impression of me and I could tell that she thought that I was cocky and really competitive.  At this point I was completely unaware of these tendencies of mine so I subtly argued that that wasn't what I was about at all at the time.  She subtly deflected the arguments and I figured it wouldn't change her opinion of me enough to make it worth rectifying, so I didn't bother with it.  After the date, we didn't talk for 3 weeks, while she was at one of her parents who is less connected with the world (phone, internet, etc.)  By the time that was all over we were going off to college in less than a month, so everything fell through, tragically.

"Why did you just tell me this?," you ask.  "Did you really just type all of that out just so that you can bitch about your sad love life?"  Well, every now and then I've got to get a complaint out, but no, the main reason that I typed all of that out for you to read was to help me give context to the discovery of a new facet in my personality.  This girl's observation in me was comparable to a foreign nation.  Tourists (the girl) come just to visit and primarily stick around the big tourist sites (personality features.)  Since the natives (me) live their all the time, they never visit the tourism sites, and never appreciate them for what they're worth.  In a sense, her visitor's eye enlightened me to something in myself that I would never have otherwise found - the fact that I compare myself to other people excessively, and often times it is detrimental to my self-esteem which is the backing force behind my self-confidence, which, when lacking, affects my interactions with other people, which also hurts my ego.  It's kind of a chain, and depending on who I am around it can sting a little.

True confessions...  I just have this inner competitively, it's probably perfectly natural, but I just want to win everything.  I want to make this clear, it's my problem.  There's no use trying to change other people; it has to be MY problem.  Anyways, the big thing that has especially started to irritate this internal issue of mine is that recently I've acquired some extremely successful friends.  These are fantastic and beautiful people, and they help me out a lot.  There are countless benefits to befriending them, however my "comparative personality" (I made that up, remember?  hehe.) leads me to be somewhat stressed out when hanging out with them, due to my comparative perspective.  If they do something cool, I think: "Why can't I do that?"  It's a frustrating phenomenon, but since it's entirely my problem is should be something that I can deal with and mitigate on my own.  Just a personal discovery.  

[paulertheman-blog]

Freshman Year Semester 1 - Reflection

I'm such a dork that I'm going to write a reflection on my freshman year in college, okay?  Okay.

This semester I've learned a lot about myself and the others around me.  Starting in August I began to discover this hidden drive: a work ethic that I didn't previously realize that I had.  I had this monster lurking inside for who knows how long apparently fighting to get out, and upon entering college life it escaped quickly.  It promptly gobbled up all of my time, energy, and many potential friendships, and then pooped out some serious piano and voice skills and landed me here and now, at the end of the semester, exhausted.  I've got  straight A's aside from one single B, a successful piano career, the interest in auditioning for minoring in voice for the fall of next year, weekly organ lessons, and several drum lessons lined up for over break.  I've tried a total of five ensembles this semester and auditioned for one a Capella group.  The a Capella group is "Enhamonix," led by Alex Alberti, in case any of y'all were wondering.  I stuck with three ensembles - two of them being with Dr. McNeill: Glee Club and Jazz Vocal Ensemble and one being Marching Band.  Unfortunately I didn't sufficiently enjoy any of these ensembles and failed to make the cut for the a Capella group.  Also, at the end of the semester I had a small bad mood (unfortunately as pressure mounts to succeed academically, musically, and socially these moods occur more frequently) as I realized that I don't have anyone here that specifically and intentionally cares about me as I care for them.  I don't have a close friend who I'm totally okay with who I can tell everything to and they'll listen.  Not here, at least.  I don't have someone who will tell me everything that's going on with them and listen.  After noticing that I've been spending-no...wasting* my time in three ensembles that I don't enjoy rather than supplementing meaningful friendships and connections, I've come to the conclusion that something needs to be done.  While it is true that I don't have enough time to hang out with people too regularly, I do need someone who cares, and at this point I truly don't have such a thing.  Even my roommate will straight ignore me from time to time, which makes me feel dehumanized.  I worry that no matter how loud I yell certain people will never care - they're just too wrapped up in their lives.  This touches on my comparative personality, which will probably be what I write about next, so stay tuned! 

All of this dissatisfaction calls for a major gearshift and change in both thinking and priorities.  I need to shift my focus slightly to allow more time for friendships as well as work on social skills in general.  I must learn to stay relaxed and sociable at all times, because every person that I meet and don't get to know is a potential friendship (or relationship) effectively put on hold.  The best way to describe my encounters with people that occur when I'm nervous or mentally sidetracked is "socially ridiculous."  I need to foster the friendships that I have, and that is going to start with my friends that I have in my Wesley Foundation small group.  They share many of my beliefs and they were raised in a fashion similar to me, which gives us many common factors.  This, in addition with the general greatness of these kids justifies our friendship.  

Academically over this semester I have learned that College, or at least Appalachian State, isn't as hard as it's always made out to be.  In fact, I could almost liken the difficulty of the classes to high school classes.  Some are even easier.  I have a lot more in me and I think that I could succeed even more if I gave it my absolute best, and this is going to sound remarkably unnerving, but if I can get the highest grade possible (an A) without giving it my absolute all, why would I give it my all?  Mind you this only my first semester, and I do have several classes that are more difficult than high school was.  The exception is in my music classes.  Since I will be using these classes specifically for the rest of my life, I always put in everything I've got in this setting.  

I have learned how to write and enjoy it.  It would be ideal if I could fine-tune my writers voice to sound a little less scientific, however, for now I prefer the precision of that style.  I'm a really half-way decent writer, though, which thrills me.  I have really become accustomed to enjoy being articulate and accurate in my wording and syntax.  Believe it or not, I used to be in a special class for writing in Elementary School.  Nevermind...let's not go there.

I have learned to research and enjoy it.  I love to learn.  Unfortunately it's not always the easiest thing for me to just pick up information on the go, but that applies to a lot of things, for me, at least.  Getting started is generally the hardest part of the process.

I've learned that hard work will take you farther than talent.  This especially applies here in college.  I can just work my ass off and get stuff done so far ahead of time that I end up having time to chill.  During these times there is truly nothing to worry about.

I have learned to perform a little bit better.  I'm working on my confidence in front of crowds when performing solo pieces or parts to pieces.  I've played in studio several times and the last time I was barely even consciously nervous.  I sang a short (Bass 2) solo in a Men's Glee Club concert in front of several hundred people.  

I've learned to adventure.  My roommate is the most adventurous and interesting person that I have ever met, and we've adventured everywhere together.  Whether it be legal or not, you name it and we've done it everywhere.  We've combined a bunch activities with a particular easygoing mindset and titled it "adventuring."  I've learned to run through the woods with only a flashlight for light at 1am in the middle of the night.  I've learned to climb rocks and tromp through the woods quickly and nimbly with no shoes on.  I've learned to climb trees faster than a lemur on cocaine.  Essentially, I am double majoring in Choral Music Ed. and Adventuring.  

I've learned to be independent.  I can wear what I want, do what I want, eat what I want, and buy what I want, whenever I want.  I can look like I want, talk like I want, act like I want, and interact like I want.  I'm responsible for my own actions, and no one else has to worry about me.  No more trying to please the parents with every little movement.  Of course I still respect them and never take advantage of them, but it's nice to not have to worry about them being behind my back every second of every day.  

I've learned to plan.  With the busyness of a music major it is absolutely vital that I keep up with my calendar for months in advance.  I review my schedule for the upcoming week every Sunday and every night I re-examine it for the next.

On the downside, I've learned that I can be terrified of beautiful women.  I'm so scared to think of them in a romantic context because of all of the previous failures that I'm just terrified to even try.  I don't have time to be heartbroken, honestly.  If I knew it would work out, I'd go for it, but otherwise it's just not worth the risk and nervousness for me at this point.  This does scare me a little bit because I don't want to be alone for my entire life.  I want to have children and raise them...but I don't know.  I'm just scared.

I'll probably add to this as things come to mind.  Technically the exam period isn't over for me until Friday, so I'm sure some things will come around.

[paulertheman-blog]

What am I thankful for?

Today's thanksgiving.  Let's think.  What should I blog about?  Oh yeah.  Thanksgiving.  

Pardon my quirky introduction.  If you're still reading this, you probably enjoy my slightly off personality and/or sense of humor.  I know I do.  Today, I find myself feeling thankful for: (listed in the order that they pop into my head)

-My God

-My Faith (although it needs work.)  

-My Parents

-The way they raised me

-My dad having a job

-My parents knowing how to save money

-My family having money in general

-My sense of adventure

-My friends' senses of adventure

-My good genetics

-My brother

-My best friends.  (My brother and Spencer)

-My social skills

-My childhood

-My experiences

-My musical talents

-My musical instructors

-My church(es)

-My college

-My mountains

-My trails

-My adventures

-My intrinsic motivation

-My logic

-My sense of humor

-My roommate (Cameron)

-My strengths

-My weaknesses

-My successes

-My failures

-My health

-My opportunities

-My future

...In summary - I am thankful for my family, friends, faith, health, wealth, past, and future.  Undoubtably the list could go on and on and on with causes and effects and summaries and potentially excessive thank-yous but I'll conclude.  Thank you God and everyone who has helped me out.  Ever.  I try to be appreciative, but I can't thank you as much as I think you deserve.

[paulertheman-blog]

Thoughts Now

There's so much to say here.

I'll start by saying that I really considered not blogging.  Like...at all.  Ever.  From my perspective it looked like a waste of time, and I can definitely understand how that makes sense.  But on the other hand, sometimes I need to sort out my emotions.  I need to sort out my goals, my motivations, my aspirations, and my inspirations.  And everything is all immensely complex because I'm such an internally analytical/critical person all the time there's a lot to say.  But I'm also self-conscious enough that I don't want to put too much here on the blog.

I need more people to talk to.  Well, not exactly.  I've got plenty of people to talk to, but I don't have enough people for that deep kind of conversation that I strive for.  You know, the kind where both participants actually care passionately about the topic at hand?  This is conversation that criticizes big things, and conversation that determines important personal decisions.  The reason that I don't get enough of this type of conversation and hanging out is because of the music school here and my major.  The inadequacy of my social connections is based on my lack of time, which is a result of the intensive amount of classes and rehearsal time that I need to keep up with my ensembles, classes, and lessons.  Since I don't have time to hang out with people outside of class, I don't' establish as many social connections as I would if I did have time to do as such.  The upsetting part is when I do manage to get all of my work done (rarely happens) and I've got free time because then I don't know what to do with it.  Luckily I've got my floor, so I can always go hang out with them.

I do have these people that I can have these conversations with, most importantly within the Wesley Foundation, but I'm definitely interested in getting a broader perspective on my life from my friends than just from strong christians.  I'm all about trying to improve my life spiritually, and there is definitely a lot of work to in that sector of my life, however, I also don't want to be blinded to the other side of life.  The college side of life.  The secular part of life.  The sin city sex/drugs/alcohol side of life.  The college life.  I'm not into it myself very much here, but I don't want to be oblivious to it as it seems like I was for so many years as a child.  That's one thing that I would critique about the way I was raised.  

I was so sheltered that I didn't experience hardly anything for myself, or even first hand.  No drugs, alcohol, or even fowl language (from adults.)  I had to see it on TV and then I heard at church that TV was a representation of what the media wanted us to be, rather than what society actually was.  Well, regardless of what society was at the time, society now seems to be pretty well represented by the media...or vice versa.  More likely the second...even though that seems really screwed up it seems more than likely.  So when I got to the latter years of high school and into college I was stunned to find that everything really was out in the open.  Kids really are just hooking up all over the place.  Alcohol really is abundant.  Drugs are startlingly commonplace among high-schoolers and university scholar's alike.  This realization left me feeling disillusioned.  I spent so many years of my life completely blind to many aspects which seem to be huge aspects in some kids life, and I didn't take risks quite the same as a lot of other people did.  The funny thing is that I don't think that all of this is necessarily a bad thing.  It's just something that I've observed, and I'm trying to analyze now.  

I'm a completely different person in college than I was in high school.  My work ethic has changed for the better.  My self discipling has taken leaps forward.  I actually take things seriously now, because I want to do it.  For myself.  I'm living for me, not for my parents or family.  It's all on me.  I practice for me.  For the future.  For tomorrow.  For my career, whether it be as a choral teacher or band teacher.  I am putting forth some real effort in this music program, and this is something that was originally sparked with the audition material last year.  While I was preparing the three pieces that I used to audition with at the school of music not only here but at UNCG as well as ECU, I felt something different in the practicing that I had never felt before.  I felt like I was actually going somewhere.  I was moving forward and progress was being made.  Not only this, but I had this internal realization that it will all come back and benefit me in the future.  The more I put in to it, the more I'll get out of it.  Ever since then, I've been taking piano gradually more and more seriously, until now - when I'm giving it my all every day.  Trust me, it takes some motivation to spend 2+ hours in the practice room every day.  

I'm being bombarded by hippies.  I'm in Boone, NC, which is a statement right there in itself.  But not only am I in that dimension of hippieville, but I'm also involved with Wesley Foundation.  Within Wesley foundation, my small group is perhaps the most eco-friendly and debatably "hippie" group ever established.  We have dumpster-dived as a group.  Yeah, it's that serious.  Honestly, I really like it.  And it's definitely something that I can believe in.  To be straight with you here, it really astounds me that most people aren't more aware of all of this stuff and taking more action against it.  And by "this stuff" I mean (since you asked) Wal-Mart taking responsibility for it's suppliers and their labor tactics, Corporate Food Companies controlling the FDA, cocoa bean farmers on the Ivory Coast hiring kids...no..not hiring kids.  Buying slaves.  That happen to be as young as 7 or 8 years old.  The cruel treatment of farmers, customers, and animals alike by huge food corporations that control the overwhelming majority of America's food industry.  I'm not going to pretend that I know everything on these topics, but it's obvious that there's a huge problem with a lot of things that are going on in America, and by continuing to pay for these products and services of the very companies that are doing these horrible things, we're directly supporting thing, thus augmenting the problem every day.  Either we're so ignorant that we don't even know that a horrible disservice we're doing to ourselves, among others, or we're so apathetic that we don't even care enough to make any sort of effort to stop these huge problems.  Either way, we're headed towards destruction, and it's a horrific reality, because despite all of our problems, it's hard to dispute America's unequivocal power and world influence.  We created Western Society, and unfortunately we're leading other nations down the wrong path along with us.  I wish I had more of a solution to all of this, but unfortunately I don't know quite what to do to actually solve the problems.  All I can do is do all I can to slow them down.

I'm really not even thinking about dating at this point to be honest.  I'm focussed on my studies.  It never works, anyways.  

I went home for fall break and remembered what an ...I'll call it an "empire of friends" that I had built up.  I entered the band room to be greeted by a magnificent "PAUL!"  and hugs all around.  I miss everyone there.  Tons.  I don't even want to talk about it really; it makes me sad.  Oh well, I'll get a lot more done here.  And I really want to do something with my life...

[paulertheman-blog]

Current State of Mind

I'm excitable, happy most of the time, and pretty productive.  However, I wonder what I'm doing all of this for.  I'm practicing my ass off - 2-3 hours a day.  I'm running around all day between rehearsals, practicing, and classes.  I'm getting better really quickly on piano...I already managed to get a $1,000 scholarship.  And that's renewable every year.  But what does it mean?  Why am I doing this?  Is it because it's good for me?  Because I want to be good at what I am when I'm an adult?  Sure, I want to be an awesome musician so that I can do my job all the more effectively and impact more lives.  But what about the important things now?  What should the focus of college be?  Everybody has something different.  Should it be about the education or the relationships built?  Because I'll tell you right now what's happening with me is that I'm so focussed on the educational aspect of it and all of my major specific classes and rehearsals that I'm not having time to develop enough significant friendships.  This makes sense in my head, though.  I'm not paying x thousand dollars a year just to make friends.  Of course, I have a crap ton of acquaintances.  These are people who I see around school all the time.  "Hey, _____", I'll say.  "How's life?"  But I'm not extremely concerned about them, nor are they about me.  It's an acquaintance, not a meaningful friendship.  And then there's the all-important relationship.  I've never been in one, and I'm still not.  There's loneliness on occasion, and I need to learn not to blog on that occasion.  I don't like to complain.  But I really want someone to share everything with and love and be loved in return.  I won't have all the time in the world for her unfortunately, but I need someone to dance with, walk with, and talk with.  I can't go on working solo like this for too much longer.  And it doesn't help that society pushes it so much, showing "perfect relationships" all over the media - in the movies, in books, and even online.  Tumblr's unhelpful.  Recently, I stopped following someone just because she posted so much of ...just what I call "angsty" stuff.  Every time she posted something it'd be a gif of some couple making out or something immensely sexual and she's clearly a hormonal teenager.  I don't want to be that way.  This is going pretty in depth for a blog post, but I know that there are only so many people who read this who I actually know, and I trust y'all with most everything.  Yeah, I love you guys. So much.

 I miss my friends at home.  That's not as hopeless-feeing as the loneliness though because I can see that there's an end in sight.  I'll see all of y'all back home over Christmas break, if not over Fall break.  And I'm so excited about that, of course :)

The most meaningful friendships that I've developed have spawned from the Wesley Foundation: the place where Methodist Christians gather to hang out together to get closer to Christ.  I'm there to explore my spirituality because quite frankly, now that my parents aren't forcing me to go to church anymore, I don't know what I want to do faith wise.  Of course I'm still going to church, but I am fully aware of what it takes to be a "good" Christian and I know how difficult it is.  I would like to think that devoting my life to Christ is obviously the best thing to do, but I'm struggling.  It's hard to do everything for him all the time, and I don't even necessarily know how.  I'm such a perfectionist, and I don't want to accept that I can't be perfect all the time, especially working for Jesus, who was 100%  perfect.  This is difficult in that I have to decide what I road I want to take, and I can't compromise.  It is my impression that Christianity is a go-all-the-way or go-home sort of deal.  You can't be a Christian only some days and do whatever the hell you want on others.  You can't come on Sundays and then go back to your regular life for every other day of the week.  If you're going to call yourself a Christian, you need to be devoting your entire life to christ, and that means making Christ centered decisions and taking one's own opinions and wants completely out of the equation.  Impossible, right?  Well, not really.  It's so hard to do, but the only way do it is to try it, and ask for forgiveness when you screw up...Which will be all the time.  I know how to do all of this, but I don't want to commit to it.  

Gah, these thoughts are so unorganized, I shouldn't even be posting it on here.  I should create a "Paul's Thoughts Disorganized."  Yeah, that'd be good.  

Rawr. 

In Summary:

-I'm succeeding in college.  Doing well in classes and excelling musically.

-I'm making acquaintances, but close friends need improvement

-I'm mindblowingly lonely at times and I can't fix it.  (This is the only reason that I'm on here blogging - I need to gather my thoughts)

-I trust you.

-I miss my friends at home, but that's not too bad because I'll see them over Winter Break.

-I can't make up my mind on my spiritual perspective, and am hesitant to commit my entire life to anything, including Christ

Thank you very much for reading and hopefully caring.

[paulertheman-blog]

You can't always get what you want.

Sometimes things don't work out.  Sometimes it's no one's fault.  Sometimes shit happens.  There's nothing you can do about it, and if it's out of your control: what's the point of worrying?  Now is the time; chill out.  Composure.  Move on.   

Bad things happen?  Suck it up and move on.  Power onward in life and get stuff done.  There isn't time for you to slow down and feel sorry for yourself.

Life is good, and that generalization remains true no matter what silly little things may bog us down along the way.  

I'm sure I'm going to edit the crap out of this post at some point if I can ever get around to it.  It could be a while, seeing how busy I always am in college, but I'll put it on the list.  

MORAL: You can't always get what you want.  Also, chill.  But that's more of a life principle for me.   :)

[paulertheman-blog]

"Freaking Crazy" is only fun when it's NOT ACTUALLY TRUE.

Recently I met someone who I always talk about as "freaking crazy" and I freaking love it.  However, yesterday I met someone who's appears to be ACTUALLY crazy.  Yeah, not as much fun.  Just a thought.

[paulertheman-blog]

Thoughts by the Truckload

I miss my friends from Cary.  I miss who I was around them.  I'm finding myself again, but it's been tough, because come to think of it, I'm a little ridiculous sometimes around my best friends.  Only because I'm comfortable.  :)  And after 3 months of absolute perfection in and around my friends, I have suddenly walked off the cliff of of college.  Now I'm flailing my arms, and my friends aren't there to remind me who I am anymore.  I mean I'm not "freaking out" or anything, but I do miss the way that my best friends made me feel.  Around them I felt loved and needed, and I feel the same way about all of them. You know who you are, all you marginally cooler people out there. :)  But it's only the 2nd week of school, and I'm sure that finding the best friends I need here will be worth the wait.  

--

Conflicts.  I'm in college and I'm experiencing conflicts-a-many.  Do work vs. Be lazy.  Pursue vs. Abandon.  Audition or Don't.  Apply yourself or Don't.  Christian Morals/lifestyle vs. Secular.  Curse/Use profanity or don't. These apply in so many places it's a little overwhelming.  There's too much to think about and so many places to apply myself that I hardly have time to think and figure things out anymore, and the only reason that I'm writing this now is really is because I decided that I was going to wait for some friends at Central for Lunch instead of going back to my dorm to get work done.  Work vs. Lunch - Conflict resolved.  Previously I was obligated to conform to whatever my family's views on the issue were.  Now that I'm on my own, I'm not as much defined by that, and I get to make my own decisions, defining myself without any help from my parents.  Lots of the conflicts rely on each other, and a few of them have a distinctly "right" answer, but a lot of them rely on each other.  

Should I do work or be lazy?  Well, this one has a clearly defined correct answer that will surely take me the farthest in life.  I'm going to do work.  Work before play, and I won't waste the day.  Pretty catchy, yes?  Conflict resolved.

Audition or Don't.  This applies for a multitude of a Capella groups around campus, and I've decided after careful consideration that I'm going to audition for Enharmonix and Enharmonix only.  This is because  the group is run by a good friend of mine, and I think it won't be incredibly hard to get in, quite honestly.  The audition question does rely on my decision for another conflict: Do work or Don't.  And since I've already decided that I'm going to do work, I might as well try out for yet another opportunity to do work and better myself as a singer as well as establish additional connections here at my home for the next 4 years.  I'm auditioning tonight after bible study.  Conflict resolved.

Apply yourself of Don't.  The application for this is surprising.  I'm actually not trying to apply it to work, academics, music, or anything of that sort.  I've found that I can have a particular presence and quirky, yes QUIRKY, charm if I ever actually make an effort to be social and entertain people.  My problem is that I really don't care much what people think of me, so I can come off as unfriendly sometimes.  This is a new problem, but I have an ego in some places in music.  (Skip to end of parentheses to avoid rant...  Well, not really - I'm a pretty humble person.  Ironically, I pride myself on my humbleness.  But I am irritated that they put me in Voice I.  I may be a piano major, but that doesn't mean that I'm not a pretty darn decent singer already.  Voice I is for instrumentalists that haven' t ever really been taught to sing.  I'm an instrumentalist, but last year I was in Chamber Chorus, Concert Chorus, a Capella Chorus, and Youth Choir at Church.  I admit I'm not the best singer, but I don't think that I should be in that class.  Okay, I apologize for that rant.)  Humbleness.  Yeah.  Got it.   Also I can be really shy.  I'm scared to put myself out there for people to judge, which they will.  I'm a crazy kid!  If you don't think so, then you probably don't me as well as you think you do.  The shyness is a problem, but I'm working on it.  I need more practice entertaining people, and a few new friends gained in the process never hurt anyone.  Point to be made: I'm really trying to be open and put in my all for every person that I meet, rather than just blowing people off because I know that I probably will hardly ever talk to them considering the sheer amount of people at this school.  

Christian Morals/Secular Lifestyle.  This is incredibly tough.  As is expected.  I was born and raised in a fantastic christian household by two exemplary christian parents and I could not have asked for better christian examples than my Mom and Dad.  However, they're not dragging me to church all the time now.  They're not having me home at midnight every night, avoiding all opportunities to party and do general ungodly things. It's in my hands, and I have to make a decision for myself which lifestyle I want to follow.  It's not possible to go both ways, and the never-ceasing temptation to do so called "unchristian" things is characteristic of the college environment.  I'm not ready to commit to anything on this one yet, though, quite honestly.  I'm getting involved in the on campus Wesley Foundation to explore my spirituality a little bit, and we'll see where things go from there.

Curse/Use profanity or Don't.  This hasn't been a problem for the longest time, because I've been hanging out with band kids and church kids so the language was hardly even existent in my mind.  However, upon entering senior year of high school the language been growing more prominent, and I've come to a point where the words come out in my head.  It's like an insidious invasion of my mind, they're hard to get out.  The big thing though is that I don't see a big problem with them - they're just words.  And as long as I'm not using them to hurt people I don't have a big issue.  Of course I'll watch the language with certain groups.  But other than that I intend to speak my mind.  That's my call on that one.  

--

Songs of particular significance to me at this point... Do you want to see huge list of really sentimental and sweet love songs?-  Didn't think so.  Me neither!  I'm not trying to make anyone here feel lonely, and that includes me. However, I've been more into Mika lately.  If you don't know who that is, look it up.  It's good stuff, I swear. 

[paulertheman-blog]

"Life begins at the end of your comfort zone"

Do I have a lot of fears?  Yes.  Do I try really hard to get over them, and even exploit them for a thrill every now and again?  Heck yeah.  Sometimes the most fulfilling things are the things that take you out of your comfort zone.  At first thought of trying something, you might think "Wow, that's a terrible idea," or, "this could go so terribly wrong."  If you don't do it, are you really growing?  Getting over fears is a good skill to have, and it continually helps me grow as a person.  

This is a huge concept for me, and only now that I really think about it do I realize how much it applies to me.  I'm scared to perform sometimes.  I played piano for my church last Sunday, and I was getting more and more nervous as the time that I knew that I had to perform approached.  It seemed like time started to move slower and slower.  Then something phenomenal happened.  I got up, went and sat at the piano bench, and relaxed.  I chillllllllllllled.  Not like regular chill, I'm talking...like... absolute deep freeze chill.  I was okay, all of a sudden.  I performed, everything went really well, and after it was all over, so many approached me to compliment me on my performance that I left church.  Haha, I do get tired of getting compliments.  

Pushing yourself is something that I used to be scared of.  I used to be afraid to run hard, to play hard, or to practice hard.  More-so with the physical stuff, I was just lazy.  I didn't want to feel like I was going to die.  <That's how I describe being winded.  I wasn't used to it, so i persistently tried to avoid pushing myself.  If you don't push yourself forward, you'll never make any progress, and never get stronger.    There's a lot more to this, but you can probably figure the rest out.  Honestly, I don't feel like I'm writing anything at all profound at the moment - I don't want to bore you.  --- I woke up sick on Thursday morning.  I thought maybe it was just some salt in my nose left over from the beach on Wednesday, but come Friday, I knew that I had a legitimate cold.  Gah, could there be a worse time to get sick?  Today is Saturday, and I move out on SUNDAY.  Whatever, I'll be fine - at least I'm not feverish.   It's not keeping me down; I'm just thrilled to see where everything is going right at the moment.   --- I've already written on this, so I'll try to limit it.  Basically, I'm going to miss all of my friends.  Especially the new ones who I just recently  met.  Y'all know who you are.  It's tough really getting to know a person and then move away from them 2 days later.  Again, whatever, it's not like I'm dying or something.  We'll see each other again.   --- I move in tomorrow.  Family dinner tonight.  This is legit. --- Songs on my mind: -Pretty much anything/everything about goodbyes and/or recent aquaintences. 

[paulertheman-blog]

I'm scared.

I'm scared about being out in the open for college.  Right here in Cary, NC I have an enormous empire of people that I love and they love me.  I have so many people to go to, so many places to go to.  So many people to chill with, and so many connections.  In college I start anew with nothing.  Nothing.  I'm not used to this nothing.  I'm hardly even bringing anything.  Nothing.   I have to build everything for myself, by myself, with myself.  My friends, my family, my hobbies, even my talents.  I'm going to try so many new things that I'm going to practically redefine myself as a person.  I almost even worry that when I come back to Cary people won't recognize me.  They won't think the same of me, because I'm sure that I'll be a different person.  People are defined with who they hang out with, and I'm about to start from scratch.  Well, almost.  I'm rooming with a friend from high school, but we have different majors and we both plan on being really busy, so we won't be "hanging out" a whole lot...   God, I am so stressed out.  This stress is just out of the blue.  Maybe I haven't been sleeping enough?  Or maybe I'm just up too late.  Tomorrow I'm going to the beach with some close friends though, so I'm sure that'll help me get some things straightened out and compose myself a little bit.   I'm not doing what you would probably consider "freaking out."  I'm an extraordinarily chill person, so my definition of "freaking out" probably differs from yours.  Mine includes basically actively thinking about things, trying to figure them out and get things straightened out in my head.  If music is involved, freaking out is practicing a lot.  A lot, a lot.  If academics are involved, "freaking out" involves studying.  I wish i could say the a lot part for that, but I'd be lying.  :)   I have made so many new friends, even in the past week, that it pains me to think that I'm going a separate direction from most of them.  It almost agonizes me to think that while on the beach trip that I was on Monday, only yesterday, every connection that I was making would be a challenge to keep, as I'm moving three hours away in less than one week.  Do I try to bond with these people?  Or do I just let it go, and not focus on making these interpersonal connections to avoid the pain of losing them in the future slowly but surely.  

I'm not sure what to think of all this, but I'm sure that I'll be happy in college soon enough.  I just have to decide who I need to keep up with, and catch up with people before I run up to Boone for months at a time.   _____ Songs on my mind: Gavin DeGraw's "Free"

Pretty self explanatory, here.  I want to be free.  Wind in my hair, salt on my skin, sun in the air.  Haha, this almost sounds like the multiple beach trips that I'm going on this week.  But that's okay, it applies to college too.  I'm going to be free.  You get the point.  The Beatles's "Hello Goodbye"

There was a time, a few hours ago, when I felt as if all of my friends around me, who are going off to college as well, were all saying goodbye to all the good old things here in Cary.  I felt like I was the only one who was looking forward, saying "Hello" to college.  "Hello" new opportunities.  "Hello," new people.  "Hello," new home.  Now I'm saying both "Hello" and "Goodbye," and I don't know what to think of that.

[paulertheman-blog]

Am I a chatter?

I'm going to be completely honest, I love to talk.  People talk about people just loving to hear their own voice, and I think that may be me.  I mean hey, look at me now.  Just blogging.  Who am I even talking to?  Heck if I know; who even reads this junk?  I know I'll probably go back and read it at some point.  But lately I've been noticing that as I learn to care intensely about a growing number of people, I always want to stop and talk to people when I see them in a place that I didn't expect them to be.  I start to talk to people, then I realize that I actually have nothing to talk about.  As I think about it, I'm realizing that maybe I should be upset.  The fact that I don't have anything to talk about with people means that I haven't been keeping up with them enough lately to know what they've been up to, or know what's been effecting them in particular lately.  I should really work on that.  Note to self: Keep up with more people more effectively.  Because I do truly care about these people, and I want to know everything about them.  People are so interesting.  I wish more people would open up more, so I could understand their deepest conflicts and interests, and see how their logic reacts and intermingles with all of that.  I wish I knew myself better.   

[paulertheman-blog]

What's on my mind?

College is quick approaching, and my little group of friends is slowly spreading apart, and they're all going their separate ways.  We still hang out, only not as a huge group anymore.  I went to the beach with a few of them the other day, and I fear this may be the last beach trip that I ever take with this group of people.  They're planning one more, but I'll be at band camp in Boone for it, so I won't be able to make it.  Even while the current group of friends is splitting apart, I find myself reminiscing about previous years where I hung out with different people, and their redeeming qualities, and just... bleh.  It's so hard to manage all of these friends and decide which ones to keep up with.  Some of them are desperate, some are ass-holes, and some are dorky, but the saddest thing is that the majority of them are absolutely fantastic irreplaceable people, and I haven't been keeping up with them.  The other day, I was talking to a close friend, one who I used to talk to all the time last year.  Well, I was trying to date her... but still.  She's such a cool person in so many ways, and I miss her a lot.  As I was catching up with her on Facebook, I was astonished to realize that I couldn't even hear her voice in my head as I read what she was typing to me.  I only have about two weeks left, and I really need to get caught up with everyone before I run off to begin a new life, which brings me on to the next topic. I'm using college as a new start.  It's a new start to everything.  Most importantly: my work ethic, my friend base, and my faith.  I will have the option to slack off more than ever, without the ever-constant parents nagging away at me and my sanity.  I intend to do some of the best work that I've ever done with this, proving to them that they did something right...or wrong, for that matter.  I'm not gonna wait to do work.  I'm going to stay organized.  I'm going to manage my time, money, and efforts more effectively than ever.  I want to try to take pleasure in my own success, for once, and if that takes a working my butt off for a while, so be it.  I'm going to be making tons of new friends, and I can afford to be pretty selective with that.  I have no doubt that I'll have friends all over, especially since I'm doing marching band, which starts a week before the regular school year.  The more important part of that, though, is that I'll be leaving a lot of my old friends.  This is both sad and surprisingly exciting, as I know that there are a lot of friends that I can live without.  Haha, there are a few of them that I honestly won't mind being a good three hour drive away from.  But I do hope that I can stay in touch on occasion with the ones that matter, of course.  I have a lot of close friends currently that I don't share the one most important matter with: my faith.  I intend to change that in college.  I hope and pray that I can find time in college to get really involved in campus ministry, or at least find a church that is well-suited for me.  Maybe I can even find a girl who will push me in the right direction...  We'll see.  I'm sure that I won't have much time to worry about that.  

Is it bad that I like to talk about how I feel like this?  I like to see it written down.  It helps me break things down and rationalize.  Sometimes things make a lot more (or less) sense when written down, rather than as abstract ideas in my head.  I always ask people what's on their mind, because I'm genuinely interested in it, but no one else ever seems quite as willing to share as I wish they would be.  I have a lot though.  

There's more that I would like to post.  I had it all typed up, but I decided that it was too personal and that I didn't really want it up on my blog.  Plus it was about one particular person, and she might figure it out and that probably wouldn't work out well.  So just ask me about that one.  

Songs of particular significance to me at this point:

-"Kickdrum Heart," by the Avett Brothers.   Gosh, I really love this song.  I love listening to the way that the two people are so happy together, and they're always taking each other out of their comfort zones, hence the "kickdrum heart."  Sadly, I can't relate to his as much as I'd like to, but that's okay.  I'm not one to mope around too much.  No one wants to read my moppage. The last two verses are the best, and I like "I won't look back anymore.  I left the people that do."  I'm trying to leave for college.  Starting a new everything.  I'm leaving a lot of people that have been holding me back, as well as a lot of people that have been pushing me forward.  It's so bittersweet.   It's not the chase that I love, it's me following you.  Gah.  I'm just an unsuccessful romantic.  I think that's it.   -"Feelin' Good," by Nina Simone This song is about freedom.  Probably about freedom from a significant other, but heck if I care.  I'm getting a lot more freedom than that.  I'm getting some amount of freedom from my parents.  Freedom from old friends.  Freedom from my reputation, the old me, and freedom from my house.  Truly, it's a new dawn, it's a new day, and it's going to be a new life for me.

---

Moral of the story: College is on my mind.  I love my friends.  Also, I'm free.  

[paulertheman-blog]

I'm lonely.

Mindblowing, right?  I've been single for all of almost 18 years, and I'm lonely.  Why have I never had a girlfriend, you ask?  I've tried.  It's not that I have some religious or moral philosophy against dating, as many seem to think.  It just doesn't work out, for whatever reason.  But I really want it.  There are so many people that I would date for so many reasons.  But with many of them I never even try because I'm afraid of failure, which I've experienced too many times.  But something always happens.  ALWAYS.  Sometimes it happens in the beginning, sometimes it happens in the end, but the girl always just wants to be friends.  The sad part is that they are completely legitimately interested in a healthy friendship, which doesn't work out too well, generally, when one party is trying to date and the other just wants to be friends.  I'm all about being friends, but I want more.  You can't cuddle with friends.  At least not as closely as I want to cuddle.  :)  You can't kiss friends!  You can't be romantic with friends.  I guess you could just lay out in the middle of a field at night and look at the stars with a friend...but it wouldn't be nearly as fun as it would be with that special person.  I want to have someone to use all of my cute little ideas of affection on.  Making people happy is what makes me happy, and if I could just find that one person who I can always make happy, and bring her up when she's feeling down, that would be so fulfilling.  I want someone who I can call just to tell them how much I love them, and to ask them how their day was, without having them weirded out later; "Why is Paul so interested in me?"  Because he wants to be in a relationship with you, you idiot.  I'm not making this post about any particular person at the moment.  And that's a fact, I'm not just saying that.  This is a repeat incident, and I just want for once for my love to be returned.  It's one of those deals that I'm sure will be fixed with time.  I'm going off to college, where there's an abundance of girls, and I'm sure there's one for me, somewhere.  Haha, the sad part is that I've been told that I'm especially likely to find a girl because I'm majoring in music.  Apparently the girls in the music department are really on the prowl because half the guys in that major are gay.  Convenient, I guess.  Well, this is a pretty big topic for me, and I hope I don't regret posting this later.  I've been on the verge of loneliness for a long time, and I just felt like something needed to be said.  I know only my pretty close friends read this stuff, so I should be good.  Don't judge!   Please and thank you.  

Oh, by the way.  Please don't think that I'm depressed.  If you find yourself thinking that I'm depressed, I recommend that you read my previous post, titled "Why am I so happy?"  By no means am I depressed.  I'm one of the happiest people you'll ever meet, regardless of my relationship status.