(You can find every chapter released so far on A03)
The Hazbin Hotel, a beacon of naive hope and perpetually unfinished renovations, was enjoying a rare moment of… something close to peace. Charlie was enthusiastically reviewing a new "Redemption Through Dance" routine with a visibly exasperated Vaggie in the lobby. Angel Dust was perched on the bar, flicking a loose thread on his fishnets and leering at Husk, who was stoically wiping the same spot on the counter with a grimace.
"Ah, come on, Husk," Angel purred, his voice a sultry rasp. "Don’t tell me you aren’t just a little bit curious about what’s under all this fur. Maybe you and I could really clean up that mess of a life you've got goin’ on. Eh? Maybe find a little bit of fun..."
Husk didn’t look up. "The only mess around here is your rampant case of co-dependence, and the only 'fun' I’m interested in is a fifth of cheap rye and a quiet corner to die in."
A sharp, crackling sound, like radio static being violently ripped apart, cut through the exchange. Alastor, leaning against a wall and silently observing the pathetic scene with his perpetual, unnerving grin, tilted his head.
It wasn’t one clean rupture; it was a chaotic, simultaneous explosion of multi-colored light, spinning vortexes, and the sickening sound of metal, plastic, and cartoon physics defying every law of nature.
The first thing to land was an enormous, brightly-colored digital rabbit. Jax, his smug facade momentarily shattered, hit the perfectly green lawn with the sound of a deflating balloon.
Hot on his heels, a massive, striped top hat, followed by a wildly flailing, lanky Cat and two human children, Nick and Sally, materialized and tumbled. The Cat screamed in a dramatic, rhyming cadence, landing squarely on top of The Fish in his bowl.
A slightly singed, metallic bear, Freddy Fazbear, and his band—Bonnie, Chica, and Foxy—rolled across the grass, having apparently been ejected from a brightly lit, pizza-themed vehicle that had been instantly vaporized. Golden Freddy shimmered into existence a few feet away, already looking annoyed.
A cloud of pink and green smoke burst forth, depositing a frantic family of fairies—Cosmo, Wanda, Peri, Dev, and Hazel—in a pile. Wanda, immediately regaining composure, frantically tapped her wand. "Cosmo, you idiot! We told you no wishes to 'make the godkids' road trip more spicy! This is not 'spicy,' this is a celestial fender-bender!"
"But Wanda!" Cosmo whined, "It was a Triple-Decker Spacial-Anomaly Wish! It had extra pickles!"
A rainbow-hued deluge of digital garbage and confused cartoon characters—Pomni, Ragatha, Zooble, Kinger, Gangle, and a loud, spinning eyeball, Caine—slammed down.
"OH! MY! GOSH! What a DELIGHTFUL disembarkation! Did everyone enjoy Caine's SUPER-DUPER REALITY-BENDING CARNIVAL RIDE?!" Caine shrieked, his voice hitting a deafening pitch.
Finally, four teenagers and a very enthusiastic little man in a diaper—JFK, Abe, Joan, Cleo, and Gandhi—landed hard, having apparently been mid-cheer practice before their abrupt arrival. JFK popped up immediately, adjusting his collar.
"Ah, see, I'm gonna go ova heah and say this ain't Clone High. And I know my schools. It's got too many… goddamn… spooky lookin' furries," JFK declared, gesturing vaguely at the whole disaster area.
Jax sat up, rubbing his head, looking utterly miserable. "A godda-" He was cut off as a loud, cartoon boing sound played over his voice.
The entire yard went silent.
"What in the actual hell," Angel Dust whispered, eyes wide.
Inside, the Hazbin Hotel cast was staring out the shattered bay window at the collective alien invasion of their lawn.
Charlie gasped, her eyes turning into stars. "Oh my goodness! Are they okay? We have to help them! Vaggie, get the first aid kit! Husk, put on a pot of coffee! And, Angel, try not to scare them."
Vaggie was already drawing her angelic spear. "Are you kidding me, Charlie?! They literally just fell out of the sky! We don't know who or what they are! They could be Exterminators in disguise, or worse—tourists!"
"A tourist invasion would be truly diabolical," Alastor purred, adjusting his bow tie, his grin widening. "I do so enjoy a good, dramatic meet-and-greet. Do allow me to assist in the debriefing."
Within minutes, the survivors had been ushered into the gaudy, red-and-gold lobby. The air was thick with confusion, conflicting cartoon theme songs, and the smell of cheap gasoline and digital static.
Caine, utterly oblivious to the danger, was already giving a grand tour, even though he himself didnt know where in the digital hell he was. "And here is the lobby! Notice the distinct lack of a GRIEVOUS AND PAINFUL DEATH EXIT! Just good, wholesome EXISTENTIAL DREAD!"
Charlie, standing with Vaggie, was doing her best to be a reassuring host. "Welcome, everyone, to the Hazbin Hotel! We're… uh… a place for redemption in Hell. I'm Charlie, the Princess of Hell, and we'd love to help you find out why you're here. But first, we just need to ask a few… logistical questions."
The 'interrogation' immediately devolved into a chaotic mess.
"Right," Vaggie began, pointing her spear at the cluster of newcomers. "Who are you, where did you come from, and why do half of you look like a goddamn Chuck E. Cheese reject?"
Freddy Fazbear puffed up his chest, offended. "We are Freddy Fazbear’s Pizza! A family establishment! Though… we are currently… occupied," he said, nodding pointedly.
Jax leaned back against a pillar, his eyes scanning the room, landing on Nick who was quietly taking notes on his hand. "Oh, I can answer that last part. In my reality, Fredbear's... or Freddys.. or whatever doesn't exist. There's concept unification—the process of retrofitting the Rock-Afire Explosion characters into Chuck E. Cheese characters. Even though I was never there, just Billy Bob’s Wonderland, I remember the concept. So, we've got a killer animatronic that no one has ever heard of outside of like, deep-lore internet forums." He then pointed a Yellow-gloved finger at Freddy. "And you, you're the guy that doesn't exist. What the fu-"
"HONK!" The censor sound cut Jax off again, this time accompanied by a small, floating rubber duckie that vanished instantly.
"What in the fu—" JFK started, then froze, genuinely perplexed. "Ah, see, that bunny just had his goddamn words taken! What's with the cartoon sound effects, ya bastards?!”
"It's the Digital Circus," Ragatha explained, looking utterly exhausted. "We can't curse. The AI host, Caine, censors us in real-time. It's… a choice."
"This is hilarious," Angel Dust chuckled, leaning down to Husk. "They can't even say cunt."
"DON'T YOU DARE USE SUCH A TAINTING WORD IN FRONT OF THE CHILDREN!"
The Cat in the Hat had suddenly materialized between Angel Dust and Nick and Sally, his voice a horrified, high-pitched squawk. He shielded the two children with his impossibly tall, striped hat. "TAINT! TAINT! TAINT! I shall not allow your foul language to taint their innocent minds!"
Angel Dust froze, then slowly collapsed onto the floor in a fit of hysterical laughter, tears streaming down his face. "Taint…! He said…! Taint!"
Husk rubbed his temples, a low growl rumbling in his throat. He looked at the tall, rhyming cat and felt a strange, inexplicable sense of nausea, like an old, deeply buried scar was starting to itch.
Alastor, his radio voice crackling with amusement, leaned towards the Cat. "My dear fellow! Such an enthusiastic adherence to propriety! Tell me, who exactly are you?"
"I am the Cat! The Cat in the Hat! I know a lot about that! And I shall ensure that these fine young chaps learn no words that are FOUUUULLLL!"
"Hold on a minute," Jax muttered, squinting at the Cat. "Is that that furry-thing from that 1940s book that like broke into peoples houses and sh- . . . and stuff?"
"A furry thing that broke into people's houses! The nerve!" The Fish sputtered, glaring at Jax from his bowl, which Cosmo was inexplicably holding.
Wanda, seizing a moment of relative calm, pointed at JFK. "Okay, you. The big one in the sweater. Explain what a 'clone high' is."
JFK puffed out his chest. "Ah, see, I'm gonna go ova heah and say we're clones! The Gove'ment dug up the DNA of dead historical figures—like me, JFK, Abe, Joan, Cleo, and Ghandi—and raised us in a high school built just for us. It’s got a helluva great cafeteria, though."
A low, guttural growl came from the corner of the room where Golden Freddy was floating. "More souls... so many new souls..."
The chaos was broken only when the grand double doors of the hotel burst open, and Lucifer Morningstar floated in on a cloud of golden apple dust, radiating immense, but distinctly awkward, power.
"Hello! Did someone call for the King of Hell?" Lucifer chirped, landing in a theatrical, slightly clumsy pose. He looked around the lobby, taking in the full spectacle: the digital debris, the glowing fairies, the distressed animatronics, the rhyming cat, and the agitated clones.
"What… in the name of my incredibly confusing father… is going on here?"
Amidst the screaming and censoring, several key connections were instantly forged:
Jax, leaning against the pillar, was watching Nick methodically trying to draw a map of the room, completely unfazed by the killer robots or the demons. He felt a weird kinship with the kid's detached focus. "Hey, little dude," he said, using a voice softer than he intended. "You're really chill for being in… y'know… heck." Nick looked up, a serious expression on his eight-year-old face. "The Cat brings us to a new, weird place every day. I've learned to document first."
JFK was already pumping Angel Dust’s hand with intense enthusiasm. "Ah, see, you're goddamn hilarious, you sexy spider-guy! I like ya! We're gonna be best goddamn buds!" Angel Dust, though slightly overwhelmed, was genuinely amused. "Oh, JFK, honey, I have a feeling we're gonna have so much fun."
Charlie and Vaggie were huddled in a tight knot, the picture of worried unity. "We need to get them all rooms," Charlie whispered, "They're so confused! We have to help them! Oh, Vaggie, I love you." Vaggie kissed her forehead, her gaze still hard. "I love you too, hon. Just… keep the radio demon away from the Cat... i think the poor thing would have a heart attack."
Husk watched the Cat, a throbbing headache behind his eyes. He heard Angel Dust laugh and noticed The Cat in the Hat look at him with a strange, almost pitying look. "Husk if he wasn’t depressed and a fucking alcoholic," Angel Dust quipped, nudging Husk with his elbow. "Mark my words, Husk. You're gonna have a new drinking buddy by the end of this week."
Caine and Alastor locked eyes across the room. The manic, digital joy of the AI met the ancient, predatory malice of the Radio Demon. Both smiled—one an unsettlingly cheerful rictus, the other a terrifying, sharp-toothed sneer. An instant, mutual loathing bloomed.
Lucifer cleared his throat, clapping his tiny hands together. "Alright, everyone! Let's just… take a breath. I'm Lucifer, King of Hell, and while I appreciate the grand entrance, I'm going to need to figure out exactly how a five different dimensions and realities decided to converge on my daughter’s hotel. This is not a designated inter-dimensional nexus!"
He pointed at Caine. "You, with the mouth head. Start talking. And keep it brief. Fizzarolis dance recital starts in an hour, and I'd like to be mentally present for it."
Caine, ever the showman, threw his cane in the air. "Well, that's a WONDERFUL question, Mr. King of HELL! You see, here in the Digital Circus, we have a PERFECTLY SAFE exit door—which, you know, doesn't actually exist! But I thought, 'Why not spruce things up with a REAL door?!' So, I introduced a WILDLY UNSTABLE, MULTI-DIMENSIONAL PORTAL GENERATOR! It… seems to have caused a small, multi-reality convergence. Whoopsie!"
Lucifer just stared. "So, you accidentally ripped the fabric of reality apart because you were bored."
"Precisely!" Caine chirped.
The Fish then chimed in, "And my companion, The Cat, was attempting to use the VORTEX he found inside his HAT to show these two children how to properly fold laundry in the 4TH DIMENSION when we got sucked in! This is all his fault!"
"It was a SPLENDID lesson, Fish!" The Cat proclaimed, unperturbed. "Though I do regret the lack of a proper, three-dimensional clothesline!"
Freddy Fazbear spoke next, his voice a low monotone. "We were chasing a small, glowing green worm through a vent, which we believed to be a rare Mega-Sized Animatronic Lubricator for our circuits. It led us into a rift."
Lucifer ran a hand through his blonde hair, starting to twitch. "This is somehow making less sense the more you all talk."
Jax decided to summarize the situation with his typical blend of cynicism and despair, his censored curse words creating a background track of cartoon noises.
"So, we’ve got an alcoholic cat, a sex demon obsessed with the word taint, the King of Hell who is just as stupid as the rest of us with his happy go lucky daughter who somehow is the princess of hell, a radio freak that looks like a deer, a… what are you… an angel thing…? Who’s dating the princess of hell, 3 fairies with practically no magic even though they are fairy godparents, an anxious cat with a big fu *BOOP* ass top hat from a children’s book… or television series.. or both… i don’t even know- scared of the word fu *ZAP* even though he’s literally in hell, a fish that can somehow talk…?, killer animatronics possessed by children with one of them being able to bend reality, clones of historical figures that probably know nothing about who they are cloned from, a bunch of digital circus rejects (I’m included in this statement) who aren’t even physically real anymore because we are trapped with the physical embodiment of artificial intelligence, and 4 actual human children— what the HELL is going on? Also… since no one is discussing this nearly enough, WHY THE FU *SQUEAK* IS DR. SEUSSS RHYMING BABY MEOW MEOW HERE? DOES ANYONE WANT TO TALK ABOUT THAT? THAT THE CAT IN THE FU *WHIZZ* ING HAT IS HERE, IN PERSON, IN HELL, WITH US? Oh yeah! And WHY THE FU *PLONK* K IS JOHN F. KENNEDY IN ANY SORT OF WAY HERE?!"
Lucifer simply sighed, completely overwhelmed.
"I have no goddamn idea," he admitted, defeated. "And I'm the Devil."
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