BuzzFeet: Top 5 Moves EVERY Footnotist Needs To Know
Feetminist prodigy Kate Stinkson wiped the floor at the 2017 World Feet Games. One year later, she has became the youngest teacher in the National Academy of Footnosis’ history. We went ahead and asked Kate to name her favorite foot-based mind-control techniques...
No. 5 - Sole Sniffing Submission Hold
“This move is so simple, but it has carried me through most of my fights. All you need to do is find a way to throw your opponent on the ground, and once she’s down, use your soles to keep her pinned. Your arch should be pressed over her nose, so it makes a sort of ‘cup’ that forces her to breathe in your foot fumes.”
“If you spend much time exercising like me, your feet will release a lot of toxins and pheromones that can be used to hypnotize your opponents. Toekwondo is all about learning to use your feet’s natural powers to turn your rival into a willing foot slave.”
No. 4 - Mouth & Nose Double Toe Clamp
“This is another classic technique, which is much harder to pull off, but lots more powerful too. Basically, you have to hold the other person’s nose between your first and second toes, while also pushing your free foot into her mouth.
The logic here is, if your opponent holds her tongue out to breathe, she’ll be forced to lick your foot; and if she decides to breathe through her nose... well, let’s just say she better have some strong lungs to deal with your toe stench.”
“Personally, I think of this move as a finisher. It’s the end of a fight, you’ve been kicking your soles around for 15 minutes straight, your feet are hot and drenched in sweat. You manage to push your toes into your opponent’s mouth, you clamp down on her nostrils and watch her brain get melted by your cheesy hypno-feet.”
No. 3 - Reverse Heel Lock
“Putting your opponent under footnosis is all well and good, but unless you know how to defend yourself, you’re just going to end up licking the champion’s soles. For example, imagine you get knocked on the ground...
You’re most vulnerable when lying on your back, so your first priority should be to hold your breath and close your mouth immediately. This will prevent you from instantly falling under your enemy’s foot spell, and buy you enough time to push your own soles into her face!”
“You should try to hover your heels around her nostrils, as that part of the foot is particularly rich with hallucinogenic substances, and smelling it will cause your opponent to quickly forget what she’s doing.
While it might take some serious flexibility, this is an excellent counter for moves that require direct contact of her feet with your face (e.g. sole sniffing submission hold).”
No. 2 - North/South Tickling Position
“As one of the few techniques that doesn’t involve smelling or tasting, this is the weapon of choice for a woman whose feet don’t stink. Personally, I do not have that problem, but I still find it very useful as a way to set-up complex moves.”
“You have to be lying belly down, with your toes pointed toward the opponent’s face. First, you sway your feet back and forth before her eyes, to induce a light trance and make sure she can’t escape from this position. Then, you press the obedience points of her soles. For the first 10 seconds after that, she will be do anything you say.”
“It’s often called the ‘north/south tickling position’, but that’s a misnomer. You do not actually have to tickle her feet. Best not to, in fact! I have seen tickling moves backfire when the victim started wiggling her toes out of instinct and ended up mesmerizing her attacker. Always know what you’re staring at!”
No. 1 - Sole Shock Induction
“On paper, this is the easiest move you could imagine. But in practice, this might well be hardest technique in all of Toekwondo. You need to hold your foot in front of your face while keeping direct eye-contact with your opponent. Then, hold up your hand and count down from 5 using your fingers...
Finally, shout ‘SLEEP!’ and turn your soles in the target’s direction. If performed correctly, this shock induction will instantly drop your opponent into a deep state of trance. Hypnofootologists are still not sure how it works. But it works.”
“I’m a smell-oriented fighter. Most people probably won’t believe that my favorite technique is a completely foots-off maneuver. Truth is, until last year, I thought this move was complete rubbish... it was only during the finals of the World Feet Games that I realized how wrong I was.”
“I was up against the former champion, a German girl named Martha. I am used to stinky feet, but my god! Hers were absolutely mind-melting. If I got less than 5 meters away from her, I could feel my lungs burning with her vinegary foot scent and something growing inside my mind... a strong desire to obey her soles...
I tried approaching her from three different angles, but all I managed to do was weakening myself by breathing wave after wave of her hypnotic foot odor. After a few minutes, I fell on my knees from exhaustion and Martha took the initiative.
As she got closer and closer to me, I could see her soles with every step. They were caked in dirt and glistening with sweat... and I knew that, unless I could come up with a plan, she would be wiping them on my mouth very, very soon.
That’s when I remembered about this induction. My aunt Elizabeth taught it to me when I was a kid, but I had never used it before in my life. Now, it was my only hope. I held out my foot and locked eyes with Martha. I could already smell her feet. I counted down from 5... I closed my eyes... and yelled out the word.
When I opened my eyes again, I swear my heart skipped a beat. I saw Martha lying down on the ground less than 3 meters away from me, gazing into empty space with a trickle of drool coming off the side of her mouth. ‘It worked, I did it!’, I thought. And when Martha obeyed the command to smell her own feet, I knew I had won.
Martha fell unconscious from the stench of her own soles, and I became the new Toekwondo world champion. And never again did I underestimate the hypnotic power of anyone’s feet...”