I have a confession, I never had to come out of the closet because I always just did my thing. I have hyperactive ADHD so it could just be that but I guess I miss out on understanding a lot of it. Like how gay or straight men have anything to do with me or male bisexuality. I manage to have "bi-dar" I guess because I always seem to find them.
My recent ex was a brokeback mountain stereotype person and I got the weirdest vibes about him. He was wanting to be thought of as straight as opposed to gay and after we broke up he was playing a straight girl and claiming he was straight. I couldn't understand the deal, I never had that issue and I dated women that were beautiful. I understand the I am bi not gay deal but it is 2 different words so, it seems simple? I went to LGBT briefly but the vibe I got was that was for those who hid it and the gay men became really mean to me so I feel lucky and left out in away.
Biphobia didn't become a reality for me until that scientific study thing was in the media. The people using bisexual as a passage to gay bugged me but it was just like eye color and I thought celebs were never in the media because of how I viewed it. I have manic depression and ADHD and the 2 experiences I had in school with the "part-time faggot" comments were when I was manic so one had a broken jaw and the other that was obsessed with me ended up being bullied back when my mania kicked in because hypersexuality was a theme in that one and 3 of his best friends were feeding me their children so to speak so my grandiosity and new followers made me cruel to him.
I even remember the poor kid begging me saying he wasn't even as cruel as I was because I threatened to burn his house down etc. I am kind of ashamed of those moods because of the antics involved but there were plusses, nobody bullied me, I am an excellent sexual partner. However, manic depression from age 5 until 27 was never something I acknowledged because I became psychotic after that so I take responsibility and if I don't treat the ADHD, I cycle into mania and it is a life ruiner.
And now as I come to tumblr, I see a lot of new orientations that really have me lost. I also never understood the disrespect that women faced in relationships. Straight men for the most part are my friends and most experimented with me but since straight women did, I never thought of it as anything but loving to do what their girlfriends didn't. I am still close with them and one of them still experiments with me when we're single because well, I have this oral thing and kind of have a way to handle anything and can take all of everything too and he is so big his girlfriend has to stop but they all tell their girlfriends and none cared we experimented because of how much they didn't like doing that. So I never grasped the "evil straight man" thing.
Bi women I have been with have told me some horrible experiences with straight men, using them as porn fantasies and seeing them as not more than that but when bi men sort of write it over, that probably has a lot to do with women not wanting them. It is creepy to think that they are used as objects but after some of my manic stuff, like when I was 15, goth and crossdressing and these hot but older redneck dudes in my town all had some party at their house and I did shit with all of them, I was in that position so I maybe can relate but to me they were just cute human dildos and since I wasn't friends with any of them, it happened only once. I never saw it as rape because I was manic and I could do anything and being large grown men didn't stand a chance.
I always saw the world differently and went my own way so maybe that helped but I think that harmed in a lot of ways as well. My tendency to retaliate to abuse in a much more cruel way to bullies or in relationships in my life with people who have cluster B personality type behaviors in manias that are retaliatory are shameful to me. Not tolerating abuse and self defense is fine but that is something different even when the other party is abusive because the manias in those cases are always nasty and cruel. It is like being possessed in that state but with abuse, I anticipate mania.
I wish I could meet someone who at least never had to come out. I feel so out of place there. I never felt pride or anything because I never overcame hiding at all.