Life isn't always easy,

and sometimes against all odds, against all logic we still hope.

[pearlsjourney]

Dear Self,

It’s been awhile since I've been here to write what I feel or what I am going through. It is hard to put in words what I am feeling, hard to describe the new void I feel inside of myself. My dad passing away has been a hard awakening. The things I've taken for granted, the people I let down, issues I haven’t fixed. There is this void I feel in my heart that is growing with each day that passes. Everyone who has reached out tells me, “with time it will get easier.” But does it really? 

Time for me has only made it worse. In 6 days it will be a month. A month of not bickering with my dad, a month of not hearing his stories and random statistics, a month of not hearing his voice, not hearing his laugh or seeing his smile. I have all these emotions built up inside with no way of letting them out. Explaining or venting to people who haven’t gone through the same situation is hard, because I know they want the best for me and the give me these endless motivations. At times it makes me feel mad, mad that they keep telling me to think positive, mad that they tell me to let it out, that they are sorry. But inside no one will know what it feels like, what I am going through, and just how much I miss him every minute that passes.

Why do we have to lose people who are meant to live forever. Those we can’t imagine living without. Because honestly I don’t know how to continue to live in a world where my dad no longer exists. How can I ever smile a real smile, laugh a real laugh, and continue to live when he is no longer able to....

[goddessofunknown]

Being traumatized for  the rest of your life is the worst thing that can happen. It always feels like  it happend yesterday. Every day you try to get better but  inside  It’s always inside.

via @mindscapewritings (via goddessofunknown)

[pearlsjourney]

Hurt.

I finished reading a book a couple of weeks back, Run Away With Me, and I haven’t been able to shake it. In summary it is about a girl who was sexually abused by a coach who happens to be her best friends uncle. And for so much time no one believed her, but her best friend did event though due to circumstances he left when the news broke and she was left feeling like she had no one. Like I did when my uncle sexually abused me. I didn’t have a best friend to believe me, because I was ashamed to tell anyone what was happening in my own home, the place that was supposed to be safe. My parents didn’t fully understand how to deal with the situation either because who could ever think a person who is supposed to protect you would do something like this.

Although this is my past I feel as though it has stayed with me since then, because I haven’t had the real courage to talk about it. My parents found out because my brother walked in when it was happening, but they think it was just that time. I’ve never had the courage to talk about what he did to me and for how long he was doing it. I felt powerless, he took everything from me without knowing what would become of me, not caring what his actions would cause. My parents didn’t get him arrested, growing up hispanic is one of the hardest things I've encountered. I guess being Mexican means everything gets swept under a rug that keeps the family secrets very well hidden.

What hurt the most is that no one bothered to save me from myself. Maybe they thought once it stopped I was automatically going to be fine. But I wasn’t, it took so long and even now I feel as though a lot of what I've been through was measured by everything that happened in that room.  Everyone washed their hands of the situation and walked away leaving behind the little girl who was broken, asking her self, “why me?” 

Did I dress too provocatively?  Did I say something to suggest I wanted what I got?  Was it me?  Could I have done something different? 

I let this happen. I didn’t have the courage to speak up and tell someone I was being hurt, being touched.

You may be asking yourself what does this have to do with the infertility issue I am dealing with. Well, another question I have always asked myself is: Is this the punishment I am getting because I didn’t speak up? I couldn’t protect myself how am I ever going to be able to protect another human being? 

Being a mom is all I can dream of. I want to be there for that little human extension of myself and my husband. I want to love them, make them feel accepted, and try my hardest to keep them safe from the evil of this world.

Maybe if I had decided to speak up I would be in a different place in my life. I would have a different mindset, and maybe just maybe I would be prouder of myself because I wouldn’t have let him win. I guess that’s what I'm trying to do now.

[pearlsjourney]

There is a unique pain that comes from preparing a place in your heart for a child that never comes.

David Platt

[pearlsjourney]

Truth.

I met my husband when I was a sophomore in college, he was starting his freshman year. At first, it was like any other time you meet someone new, you say hello, exchange names and greetings and wish each other a great day.  Never did I expect that a year down the line he would be asking me to be his girlfriend because come on who would ever want to love a girl like me. 

Sitting here and thinking about the journey we have gone through together these past eight years and feeling as though our relationship is still missing something big. This feeling of not being woman enough for him because I haven’t been able to conceive a baby kills me a little more each day. He lit a light in me when the only thing I could see was darkness, but now that light seems to dim a little more each day that I wake up knowing that I am STILL not pregnant.

Seeing so many people around you announce their first pregnancy, their second and third, each one getting harder and harder to read or hear about. Wanting to show them how happy you are for them but on the inside, it’s killing you because all you can ask yourself is, “why not me?” Pushing myself away from my family, from friends, and creating this bubble where all I do is go to work, come home, and do it all over again. Losing sight of who I was and who I want to be, getting deeper and deeper into a depression I want nothing to do with. 

I never thought I would be able to talk to anyone about what is going on inside of me. The uncertainty that I wake up to every day for eight years now is something I want to stop feeling. Infertility is a hard pill to swallow and it has this weight that gets heavier and heavier each day that passes.

Being able to finally have a conversation with my husband lifted all the weight I felt that I was carrying on my own. We went to our first doctors visit and when I left the doctors office after opening up made me feel so light and made me smile a real smile for the first time in a long time. Deciding that we are going to do something about our situation and continue this fight together has brightened that dimming light once again.

All I can ask and wish for at this point is continued prayer because I have to believe that God has something wonderful planned for me.