Pachacha

it's simple. :) i just cant laugh all the time

[peaxchoia]

Twist

It’s all twisted and messed up because of one person.

It takes one to ruin an entire city.

Please heal.

[peaxchoia]

Rage and Hate

Honestly, fuck you and your soul.

You’re really a bitch.

I seriously played myself having so much hope about you.

Continuously I tried to be there but you act like I wasn’t trying.

If you didn’t want me to help or fucking care then why the fuck would you not tell me. My time is wasted and I bet you liked that.

If you don’t fucking care anymore, fucking tell me too so I can stop.

Fuck you for fucking up my love for you.

My love for friendship is now forever going to be always taken with so much caution because of your bitch ass.

Fuck you so hard.

Why the fuck couldn’t you just fucking tell me you hate me. That you dislike me and that you no longer want to be friends?

You can’t come up and say that you did still care and that you still do, because you don’t.

You don’t care about me and I wasted my time caring for you.

You never asked if I was fine, never checked on me, never reply, never fucking tried anything and you have the right to say you did?!

Fuck that. Fuck all the shit you say to make yourself the fucking victims to your own made crimes.

Fuck you.

I am done with you.

Thanks for ruining my mind and heart.

I hope that one day you’ll feel horrible about how you were playing things because it’s not fair. Then I hope your bitch ass learn from this shit and grow to be the greatest person you can be.

Fuck you.

I hope you live well.

[peaxchoia]

People.

People are such blurs.

Never will we ever know if they will leave you feeling blissful or feeling like a piece of shit.

It’s those type of people that I’ll have to remember and forget. It’s not that they don’t exist, it’s that I am not of importance to them thus I shouldn’t ponder about them.

But, there are those people that was once so precious to you. Those that you wanted to keep happy and care for. But sometime, what I did will never be enough. My care was unnoticed, thus their care for me was not shown as well.

Continuously I kept hoping for the better. Continuously people told me that this person is not going to change, that they’ve been like this for years. I wanted to stay and help, I wanted to keep hoping. I wanted to help so hard that I did not notice that they gave no shit about how I was doing.

I’ve felt hurt from their actions so many times, yet I tried to be positive about them. I had so many doubts yet, I tried so hard to believe.

And the one time I acted out crazy, they allowed it to be the reason to finally leave. This person left so fast as if I was literally nothing. I never told you to do what I’m expecting of you. Fuck you for twisting shit up like this.

But this isn’t friendship.

But friends to me are those who care.

But that’s how things are now. I’m glad this person seemed to use this situation as a way to push themselves to get or feel better. Like in the waters, they pushed me down to get themselves back up.

This was the result.

And I am finished.

A lot of them are not friends. They only “care”. They’ll come when they overhear that I died. They’ll care when I’ve already been killed. But when I’m alive? Oh when I’m alive, I needed that same amount of “care” too but it wasn’t provided? Why? Sigh. Don’t come to my funeral for me. Leave me alone like how you all did when I was alive. That way, you wouldn’t waste your precious second on my dead body.

This one specific one was thought of as one. A close friend too. But I played myself time and time again.

As time passes, it still bothers me.

As time passes, I’ll get over it.

As it all passes, I’ll forget like I had amnesia but remember as a faint memory.

Things like friends are not something to be kept for life, but if it does, then keep it going. It’s so hard. Be true to each other please.

08042019

[peaxchoia]

recycled self and fears

I’m not the brightest when it comes to picking myself back up.

things don’t go right.

things don’t go as planned.

nothing seems to work well.

I fall in a continuous loop with myself and my flaws.

I tend to stay consistent with the constant doubt throbbing in my head.

I get pulled back into the loop.

I get use to it.

I like it. 

I want it.

but I need to get out.

or there will be no growth.

no improvements. 

no nothing but the same things.

too comfortable, too fragile, too easy to destruct.

I like the circle, but I don't want it.

when trying to get out, it consumes me back into it.

my thoughts will swallow me up again and again and again and again and...

I will continue falling and attempting to get out.

I am an ongoing cycle. I don’t think you would really want to stay until I get out. I don’t know if you’ll last that long. Everyone leaves me because I’m like this. It’s not just a habit, it was the only way I knew how to think, and the only way I knew how to feel. So I grew to like it. and it was bad. and now, it taking a toll and I want to hurt somewhere else than my mind and my heart. I would hurt my body because of myself. Because I can’t do things rights. because I can’t stop myself from going back into the same habit of 20 years. because every one leaves. because I'm scared. because i’m dumb. because I don’t know what to think, or how to feel. 

This is all for today. I hope things get better and begin to change. I hope you don't want to leave and I hope you don't leave. I hope you will still truly love me after my roller coaster of doubts and insecurity. I hope you still love me pure and true. I hope you don’t leave me, cause I’m trying to be new and get out of my habits. I’m sorry about myself. Please stay. Thank you.

20190215

[peaxchoia]

Some Days

Some days, I'm good. I'm fine. I'm happy. I'm standing on top of the world with a smile on my face. there is nothing that can make me feel horrible about myself. I would feel the best version of myself.

but

some days, i really miss you.

some days, i want to cry and so i do.

some days I get lost to the thought of what had actually happened.

i still can't reach reality even after a year.

[peaxchoia]

.may 26 18 1.57am

I can't say things to people. i cant just tell them that I am insecure when I feel insecure. i cant tell them I think I'm stupid when I think I am. and I can't just tell people when I think stupid things because it's stupid. i dont like people. sometimes i want to be alone. i dont want anybody. I'm sorry if thats mean and it hurts, but i want to cry everytime i cant tell people and express myself. then i would wonder if i should have chosen the things i chose to get here. why am I so stupid. I'm sorry. i really dont like myself rn and whatever confusion im in but its fine. my issues don't even compare to others anyway. it's small. i shouldn't make it big deal. I'm just being dumb and confused.

[peaxchoia]

JongHyun- Diphyleia Grayi

180221

JongHyun

Diphylleia Grayi

.

You were that flower,

When wet with water, transparency.

When wet with tears, diphylleia grayi.

You were that flower,

White with no tears.

White, just as pure.

You were that flower:

now, not even transparent.

You've disappeared, you've disappeared.

You were that flower, you were growing right here.

[peaxchoia]

Fire Truck

i live next to a fire department. everytime one goes off, i think of you.

who wouldve thought that one of the sirens were for you.

how many years will it take to get you back for a second more in this lifetime?

i miss you a lot. i want to cry. sometimes i cant even think of you because then i wouldnt know how to feel with the people around me.

I'm really happy right now. i really am. i just wish you were here. i want to share this happiness with you too. i want you to see me happy and i want to see you happy as well.

you see? there's so much more. so much more time. so much more things to come.

it's okay.

if it's ment to be. it will happen.

you've taught me another version of love. thank you so much.

i miss you ugly. I hope youre doing fine.

[peaxchoia]

we were made

we were made to become a memory.

[peaxchoia]

My Change

After one changes, what are the things that come with it? what are the emotions tied to that change? what are the attachments of emotions for my change? What are the effects of my change to me? i cant feel a thing and i dont think i like it. if i cant feel, then i cant figure it out.

[peaxchoia]

Slow 

You know what? i love slow daces. the Hand-in-hand and swaying back-and-forth, the slow songs and the dark, the closeness and our look, our smiles and giggles, our nervousness and your eyes when they stare back into mine. They're all hold so much more so much more - they're all so initmate, but I'm afraid of the person in front of me. im afraid I'd fall for the person holding my waist. im afraid and they wont feel the same when they make me feel something so much more. i hate how i fall for such little actions, such little things. i just hate slow dances. i hate the way it makes me want something more. i hate the way it makes me feel...but i cant help it.

(update:: I meant thank you for the experience that i was given. :) )

170902

[peaxchoia]

Box and Her

I drepmt of someone i love and hold dear to, passing away..or at least in my dreams it was that she was going to go away. it was weird. they had a party for her and in that party was a box. what we do with the box, we put things that she like in them as a gift. in my dream, i keep seeing her next to that box, but every time i saw her and the box, i would cry to where i cant breath. then other times, im fine until i remember it again. it goes on like that for a while, it keeps cycling. same dream, another scence; i was back in my highschool AP Lit class. I had that class with her. I was the only one sobbing uncontrollably. I was crying because i keep remmebering her and the positions she is in. people didnt understand the reason why i was in tears, i couldnt say it and they didnt seem to know. It was as if i was the only one who knew, i seemed so. i dont know. its hard to explain. the class was confused of why, while crying, i told the teacher i needed to buy snickers, the chocolate. the class stayed confused as to everything that was going on. I had a weird urge to go to the store and asked the teacher if i could leave; they let me out. I entered the store with a heavy heavy heart. i kept pondering and trying to figure the reason as to why i keep getting this urge to get two Twix, but in the back of my mind, i knew the reason why. it is so that i can place it in the box for her before she goes. This one fragment of my dream before i awoke was that i went to the box where i would see her again, but by the time i got there the only thing left was the box, opened wrappers and leftover trash as if she's opened the gifts we've given her. it broke my heart. it makes me want to cry. im heading to school and i really want to cry. the bus ride home is going to make me remember this again. sigh. its just a dream though...maybe dreams are the things that are deep within our minds, things we try to ignore? ... feelings we try to hide?

173108

[sd1d-enthusiast]

we were really spoiled this early on this is going to be a legendary concept

[peaxchoia]

But is that really a banana? 😂

[peaxchoia]

Tick-Tock

no matter how far back we go, we’ll never be able to relive it. Just like how the hand on a clock ticks around the same clock, it wont change the fact that it isnt the same day.

173008

[peaxchoia]

Two Worlds

I’ve always liked the concept and idea of “Two Worlds” or “Two Realms” or “Two Opposite Poles”.

[peaxchoia]

the ride home

this morning, i analyzed myself again. i alway analyze the same things over and over. it's like i dont know what else to think. it's funny, but the more i repeat it my repetition, the more things i find about whatever it is I'm thinking of and it shapes how ive come to think of the world and the people in it. i feel like i am my own philosopher. I just don't know if anyone will get me though. i guess we'll just have to wait. Gosh the bus ride home is hot. i think it's 104 degrees. im sweating dropplets, and it's not cute.

172908

[peaxchoia]

Today

Today, i miss my friend. 172908