with the only energy i have left, i’m begging you to read this. please. please.
i wasnt joking when i said they only cared about my grades. i wasnt joking when i said they only want me to have certain jobs. i wasnt joking when i said they chose my career. i wasnt joking when i said i am depressed because of them. i wasnt joking when i said verbal abuse is real for me.
my heart is torn. my heart is sunk. it feels so sad so unforgivable. my parents argue about how dumb i am. how unsuccessful i am. how irresponsible i am. how rude i am. how disgusting i am.
i live in constant fear. i mustn’t cry ever. i shall never talk back. i am breathing. i am living for them. i do chores. i do homework. i dont eat.
the moment i get up from my chair after sitting there for 5-7 hrs. my mom yells at me saying that the reason why I get up my chair is because I want to become skinnier and is starting a diet. that me getting up my chair shows her how fat i am and reminds her of my uglyness. i should be comfortable in my own skin right? yeah right.
my voice. my opinion. they are all fake. they are all revised in a way where it pleases others. it must please my parents so i wont get yelled at next time. i tell them that they are always right so i dont get hit.
i feel so much agony when my parents tell me how stupid i am. how much i am as a liar. my dad tells me that i have horrible attitude. he tells me i cant be a leader because no one wants to be my friend. he tells me i cant major in business because my boss will hate me and i will lose my job. he tells me that biotech is the way to go. he tells me to research which field gives me the most money and start studying. he tells me i have to attend the best college in the state.
im crying because i do know what i want to do but i cant do it because my parents hate it. im crying because im always acting. im always putting a front. im crying because no one wants to know me for who i am. im crying because people dont care about what i think or how i feel. im crying because ive gone through so much and i know i deserve better im crying because i stopped myself from attempting suicide so i can see a better future im crying because things are getting worse. im crying because all these people are turning on me. i act to please my parents. i act to please my peers.
do you not think i am exhausted? do you not think i am mentally unstable? do you not think i am dying inside?
my peers over and over and over remind me that i am lower than human. i am a simple letter. a simple number. a ranking. i am a competitor in their eyes and nothing more. people hate me. teachers hate me. all because i take more rigorous classes. because im taking someone elses opportunities. because im not worthy of such.
in one day I had a total of 20 classmates ask me about my score on multiple tests. calc, vocab, history mutliple choice, sat, ap exam, physics, gov. it drove me insane. these people who never bothered saying hi in the hallways. these people who never looked at me in the eye or talked to me decided to come over and had the fucking audacity to ask me what the fucking number was on my damn shitty paper. im more than that. it’s not just asking me about my scores. it’s not just asking me about my grades. it hurts me to no end that these people bash me for my scores. they ask me and scoff. they stop walking and look at me as if i said something horrible as if i didn’t deserve that grade. they look at me and say “you would get an A”
they turn away. they won’t talk to me until the next grading period. and you expect me to be friends with these despicable human fucking beings. excuse me? i am fed up i am so tired for working my ass off and hearing negativity spewing left and right. i don’t deserve that kind of treatment. but hey guess what? it’s my fault. it’s my fault for acting so privledged. it’s my fault for “ being smart” for being so damn “talented”
bitch i don’t eat lunch anymore. bitch i don’t sleep for more than five hours a night. bitch im drown in coffee. bitchh im falling apart. bitch you do not understand how much pain i go through. my skin dried. my lips pale. my eye bags darken. i lost ten pounds. gained five. then lost the five. all in a span of five months. you’d probably admit me to the hospital. you’d probably call me names. call me an idiot. tell me that my life is insane. you don’t have to. i know what i’ve been doing to my body. i know everything all to well. i’m my worst enemy. i dont want to be in the limelight i dont care what ranking im in. im just trying to survive in my damn fuck household.
i would tell myself to harm myself. i would tell myself to overdose and die. i don’t have much, but i am desperately clinging on. clinging onto my fate. i want to give love, receive the love, and feel whole again.
so where am i getting at? so what’s the fucking point of sharing my personal story? Last summer, I came out to the world about my situation. I wrote about my parents verbal abuse the neglect the depression the suicide. My uncle and one of my classmates found out. I had countless panic attacks. I was so shit fucking scared that I ran away for a month, but I had to come back because there’s so many of you out there that could relate. It brought me to tears to know that people could relate. It brought me to tears to know that people cared and people recognized. It brought me to tears to hear that people now understand and see the world in a different light.
One year later, things have escalated and the school year is starting. I’m writing again to beg you to share this story so that people who are hiding behind that door the small group of us could feel loved. i want to tell them that theyre not alone and that we’re all struggling but fighting with everything we have. it gets to me. the negative bullshit. the physical and mental pain it gets to me. im crying all the time and i still think of suicide, but it’s you.
but it’s you who survived all the pain that keeps me alive. i want to thank you for saving yourself. i want to thank you for being the best you could. i want to thank you for loving yourself. i want to thank you for taking care of yourself when no one else did. i want to thank you for getting up at the bottom of the pit.
Everyone is the studyblr community is studying hard and doing great things, but I really want to hear your voice anon or not. It is devastating and it is so hard to be someone you’re not.
If you are reading this experiencing similar situations, please please message me or smth because mental disorders are not okay. We deserve so much more. So please share this and let me know. Let the whole world understand that what we are going through is not okay. Let the whole world know that our pain exists. our stories will carry on.
it would mean the whole world to me if you could share your story or just rant, send a message here / read & reblog this post /
before I go.. thank you survivors. you are not alone.
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