When my man bestie complains constantly about being single but refuses to talk to women...
So this is one of my best friends...he has been single for about 7 years (rough, I know!) but is utterly fabulous. He is one of those people who is full of morals - literally he ALWAYS makes good decisions, which is a highly admirable trait 90% of the time. This also means that he is slightly incapable of taking risks, especially when it comes to dating.
Since I actually care about this person, I will not empty all his dirty laundry or allow the skeletons in his closet to go gallivanting around the internet, but I must say to anyone who lives their life in this manner to CUT IT OUT. Guess what, we have a limited time available on this earth and it should not be spent being scared. Let yourself feel, fall in love, fall "in like", and feel free to change your mind. Too many people are scared of these things...and to those people all I can say is, "what is your problem!"
That time a man serenaded me and I was just like...
I always thought a musician was the hottest thing around. In fact, when I was 19 I dated a very handsome Jewish pianist who would jam with other friends whenever our group of minions hung out. So I of course thought having a private serenade would be something of value. I thought, "wow, a solo concert with a handsome chunk of man meat just staring at me? YES PLEASE."
But these were my opinions before it actually happened. I had a man recently perform a sloppy bedroom concert for me. First of all, my dog was absolutely terrified by the whole ordeal. I don't know if it was his voice (which honestly was not bad) or his loud guitar playing (which honestly was more than mediocre)...either way, she herd those sounds and ran away faster than a jaguar on the hunt. I swear I thought she was going to shit herself.
As if my dog's fear wasn't enough to turn me off, no one ever tells you how absolutely awkward it is to have to listen to someone perform in front of you that only knows about 5 songs from the 90's, none of which he can play completely from beginning to end.
I've never been one to "fake it" because that truly seems like a lose-lose situation, but this was a time I deemed it necessary. I still believe that a private show of this nature could be quite enticing, but maybe someone should at least learn a full song so as to avoid a swing & a miss.
That time you're waiting for your date to pick you up and it's surpassed the time of your dinner reservation...
Ok guys, not to be a drama queen but last week I went out on a first date with a guy who seriously doesn't know how to use a watch. Our dinner was planned to be at 8:30pm...first of all, I am a geriatric 25 year old woman and eating at 8:30pm is like asking me to fast for Ramadan. I had to have multiple snacks throughout the day to even be alive at this hour of night AND took a nap to ensure I'd be on my game.
So needless to say, when 8:15 rolls around and I am dressed to the nines and haven't heard from my date yet, I'm starting to freak out. Are you standing me up? Have you suddenly become illiterate? Did you just get a watch with roman numerals and can longer process the time scale? The options are endless people!
Finally he calls me. It's 8:20. "I'm on my way to pick you up!" he says. Um, okay. Your voice sounds kind. I'm going to keep my calm.
He arrives in the biggest truck I've every seen. No joke, he had to physically lift me up to insert me into his passenger seat. I felt like the final brick being put on a highrise building - gingerly being place on the very top to ensure nothing else is thrown out of place.
At this point I'm a little frazzled: 1) you were 20 minutes late to pick me up...2) I am riding in a truck the size of North Dakota with what appears to be an actual cockpit...3) I'm so hungry I could eat the beard off of my dates face.
We finally arrive at the restaurant after a surprisingly pleasant pick up truck ride. I had very low expectations after how the date started, but Ginger Beard really surprised me! His red beard erupted with wonderful stories about fixing his truck, how he accidentally obtained it as a lemon, and how he travels internationally for business exploring primarily China. He had such interesting things to say and I had a lovely time.
Never again will I judge a man based on his vehicle. In fact, this man's janky vehicle and the story behind it gave me even more respect for him. High five, Ginger Beard! Our first date get's an A-! And the reason for the "minus" is because you were kind of shy and couldn't kiss me goodbye. It's ok, I'm sure he'll make up for that one next time!
That time you're forced to break up with a guy after going on 3 dates and you're like
I'm about to lay some truth down, you guys. I've only ever actually called one man my boyfriend so the idea of a man becoming unhealthily obsessed absolutely enamored with me after 3 dates is pretty inconceivable. But what I have learned over the past 48 hours, is that to some people I have the sun shining out of my ass (thank you Juno's dad for teaching me this glorious phrase). While it is extremely complimentary to have a man feel that strongly about me, it is simultaneously horribly terrifying and mildly felt like I was being stalked.
I met this very handsome Mexican-American man at a dinner party through mutual friends. Quite the meet-cute if I do say so myself! I immediately targeted him as my next prospect. He was tall, dark, and handsome - a break from the tall blonde men I usually target. We hit it off and I did something I normally don't do: I fell in love at first site I took him home to my apartment to have a grown up sleep over.
After growing up as a millennial with the hook-up culture, I thought nothing of it. I was happy to have had a smooth, fun, 24 hour fling. This man became quite fond of me and we ended up going out on a couple of dates over the past 2 months. Separated by distance, we only hung out with friends twice and went on solo dates 3 times. As a casual hang out, he was great great! Slowly but surely he was helping me trust men again and believe that there are in fact normal ones out there.
Due to the distance, my appreciation for him faded. Being an honest lady, I alerted him of this right away. Let him down as easily as possible because hey, he just restored my faith in man kind! It's not his fault there's no spark.
His response to my very eloquent message was "whatever". No punctuation. No capitalization. No regard for human emotion whatsoever. EXCUSE ME. Alright, so we'll just stop talking right away. No worries! He then proceeded to berate me as I tried to apologize, telling me that I was repeating myself and that I should "delete his number if I wanted to keep talking to him." Um, pardon me - I legitimately just said I wanted to stop talking to you. If anything, please delete my number SIR.
As a smart girl, I obeyed instructions and deleted his number. He then proceeded to call me FOUR times later in the evening. After deleting his number, that could have been anyone calling me, a telemarketer, an unfavored relative, a wrong number...aka. I'm not answering the phone.
So now, after having my faith in mankind restored, it has been dashed again. Not only that, but I'm mildly terrified of breaking someone else's heart. While I wasn't feeling this boy anymore, it still feels shitty to be responsible for making someone sad.
Moral of the story: you may be more fabulous than you think you are ladies. Let's be careful with boy's hearts! And boys, maybe learn to think a little before opening those handsome mugs of yours.
That time I was on a 2nd date and it almost ended like a prison movie
I know I took a pretty long hiatus, guys...a whole month! And in that month I have had a few romantic trysts. No, I do not count my one day tinder flirtation. For about two weeks I was interested in a man I met at line dancing. I know, I don't seem like a country music listener being from Chi city but there's something about the organized dancing and soulful songs that make my sentimental heart smile...ok?!
I spotted this dude from across the room and he was gorgeous. I thought he'd never talk to me, but he did. He was a sex ed teacher so of course I found him fascinating. I love talking about sex and making people uncomfortable and he does that for a living! #highfive
He asked me out on a proper date. It was lovely and a great success, ending with a PG-13 stoop mack sesh. For our second date we decided to do something more chill: make out on the couch for an hour watch a movie. I knew something was wrong when he redirected me to the bed room from the common room. Ummm dude this is our second date, I don't need to see your bed yet.
Needless to say, he was pressuring me to do activities I did not feel close enough to him to participate in. I finally was able to tell him I wanted to leave and he proceeded to block the door. So I bent down to grab my shoes. Then he grabbed my waist and said, "don't bend over like that, baby..." EXSQUEEZE ME?!
1. I am not your baby - we just met 2 weeks ago.
2. Do not grab my waist like that unless you want me to pepper spray you straight in the face. I didn't drop a bar of soap. I know how to put on shoes. I don't need any help.
Note to all the single men out there: do not make a girl feel cornered on a date. She will leave and never talk to you again. Is that just me?! Gosh I hope not.
That time my conversation with a dude on tinder gave him the courage to ask out the girl he actually likes
Ok guys. It's time to get real. I did it - I caved. I'm slightly excited ashamed to say that I downloaded tinder again. After my last tinder romance, I was slightly hesitant. What if the GPS goes wacky again and I fall for a dude who lives far away? What if I meet someone who pretends to want a relationship until we hook up and then he all of the sudden isn't ready for a long distance relationship? All of these thoughts were running through my head, but I silenced them since meeting an eligible bachelor in my town is just about as easy as easy as being a millionaire.
So my first evening back on tinder, a very attractive male messaged me. Tinder is already a lazy way to interact with any human being so I always at least make the man message me first. When I saw this gentleman had messaged me, I was all like "YES LET'S CONVERSE". We had a nice chat...he seemed like a legitimately nice person, interested in what I had to say.
Then it happened. We came to the realization that we both knew another girl in my graduate program. Unfortunate for him, I knew they had been dating for a couple of weeks now. I called him out, told him the jig was up and that we needed to stop talking. Immediately after he started chatting with our mutual friend.
How do I know this? Well, after their conversation, he wanted to confide in me. He told me how our conversation gave him the courage to tell her how he felt.
Clearly my Judaism is just dripping out of my pores - matchmaker matchmaker make me a match find me a find catch me a catch. I am the matchmaker!
Moral of the story: If you want to find the person you're going to date come talk to me first, gentlemen. Because this is legitimately the 4th person to begin a new relationship after expressing interest in me. The 3 prior were much more involved relationships than this 1 day conversation, but I stand by my words. Clearly I am a love guru...get at me, boys!
That time your ex stalks you on LinkedIn and tells you how sexual you look in your new headshot...
I'm still friends with this gentleman but only talk to him maybe once a year. It's the sort of friendship you can always pick up when you see each other so you don't feel stressed if it's been a few months sans talking.
Regardless, I was very surprised when I got an email from said ex. I don't normally quote people without their knowledge, but this line was too good. Are you ready? Because this is real life.
I saw your new picture on LinkedIn and I almost let out a two-syllable 'DAAAAAAAANG!' out loud, in my office. It would have been embarrassing but entirely reasonable.
Essentially, after my incident with the infamous manchild, this made me feel like a million bucks! So thank you, kind ex boyfriend, for reaffirming what I know deep in my heart but is never reflected by the men that swim by me in the sea of dating. I.AM.FABULOUS.
That time your crush finally texts you back after 2 week but asks you if he can buy your iClicker...
It's been a while, I know. But seriously guys, the manscapades have really been slim for me as of late. I don't know what's going on...perhaps since school started I've been living in a study cave? Busy kicking ass and taking names being an independent lady? Mayhaps.
So I did actually meet a new man. His name rhymes with "Shmatt" but I'm really super cereal about preserving people's identities on my blog. Shmatt seemed rather perfect at first. Tall, blond, glasses, lover of hipster music and G&T's. Basically, when he asked me for coffee I was like...
We had coffee...and what does this home boy do? Talks at me for 40 minutes about how he doesn't want to date people. I sit there thinking...ok Penny, this dude asked YOU to coffee right? You're not imaging a time when a handsome single man asked you out? No. NO. WTF.
Since then, he still flirts with me and talks to primarily moi when we're out in a group. Still friends, we have attended a concert together and other casual outings and I just let the dating aspect drop. I figured things might fall into place a little farther down the road. Naturally I was ecstatic when I received a text from him last weekend. Maybe he changed his mind and realized how fabulous I am!
Alas, all Shmatt wanted was to get into my backpack. He wanted my iClicker: a little device used in grad school to take quizzes online. So what did I do? I requested money and gin in exchange for my electronics. You want my goodies? PAY UP! Because seriously, I have never met more of a manchild in my life.
Dear single men, if you don't want to date: don't ask a girl out on a date. And if you just don't want to date THAT girl, that's okay too! We're not all crazy so maybe just put on your big boy pants and tell us you want to be just friends. We will all live through that traumatic event conversation.
Thinking about how much alcohol I'm going to consume in Vegas this weekend...
Okay guys. This weekend is THE weekend. I'm hopping on a plane and headed to Vegas with my 3 closest girl friends. Needless to say, shit is about to go down.
As I prepare for my second adult trip to Sin City, I am reminded of my last. On my 21st birthday I was accompanied by my mother and ex for a little holiday. Weird combo, I know. But it seemed like a good idea at the time!
Since I was so stupid in love, I didn't really get to cray cray, which - let's be honest - that's what a Vegas vacation is for. I should have looked that handsome man in the eyes and been like...
This time will be different. I plan on us to be so filled with alcohol, steak, sweetness, and joy, that we start walking around like this...
And thanks to my amazing friends, despite being impregnated with said food and booze babies, I will feel more like this...
Moral of the story: life is about to be 100 times sassier this weekend and I can't wait to tell you about it. I'm honestly not sure that Nevada is prepared for our arrival.
How I imagined my life would be at 25 when I was a youngster
Remember when you were young and 25 seemed so old? Hell, I remember thinking 16 was old. So in light of the upcoming 25th anniversary of my entrance into the world, I've decided to do some reflecting.
I truly thought that by this age I'd have everything figured out. Career, boyfriend, friends, family - all smooth sailing. While I have a majority of those things figured out, I'm still single-ready-to-mingle.
I have this fantasy where one day I'll see a man. He will be tall and handsome, have a good wit, be an intelligent conversationalist, and truly get my juices flowing emotionally and sexually.
He'd be like...
And then I'd be like...
And then we'd be together. A true romance for someone deserving of it aka. moi.
These types of interactions have happened. I've flirted, I've dated, I've had some sexy time, but somehow I always find the same kind of guys. The headline tends to read something like this...
But the truth is, I love my life. I may not have all my shit together just yet, but most days I feel a lot like this...
A woman traversing through life surrounded by beauty. So guess what quarter-life-crisis?! You may have taken my ex-boyfriend as a victim, but here's what I say to you...
Here's to 25 and another year filled with adventures and stories to share. Life doesn't always turn out as you'd expect, but it's sure been a nice ride.
That time someone repins your pin, but uses the original source to appear "original"...
So we live in this world where people are obsessed with their image. People want to appear beautiful and popular and let's face it - this is silly stuff. After school special time: love yourself, folks!
Any who, one night I was having a serious technology loop. My OCD would not allow me to shut down my computer and I had to check pinterest one more time for some ungodly reason.
Then I saw it...MY pin for a delicious healthy dinner repinned. My excitement was shattered when I saw it. The pinned description. It was not a repin, but rather someone going to the original source and using my pin as their own. Claiming my intellectual property interesting recipe find.
Tre rude.
It was one of them. An image-obsessed girl who people think are pretty but really she's just skinny and blonde and her eyes are ridiculously close together so whatevs. I sat there and rolled my eyes. At first I was angry. This girl stole my idea! Then I realized it was 1am and I was horrifically over reacting to such a minuscule life event and took that as my cue to go to bed.
Note to self: being original is something to be proud of and imitation is the most sincerest form of flattery. Even if you don't find it extraordinarily pinteresting at the time.
When I tell my friends I'm not having sex until I have a boyfriend and they're just like...
Hot off the press!!! PAYPAS PAYPAS READ ALL ABOUT IT. Yes, my soul sistas. You've heard it here first. The infamous Penny Rane has shut down her downstairs. It is no longer open for business. In fact, the upstairs is closed too, pending an exceptional patron. All male patrons will be redirected to the roof for PG-13 make out sessions. If you haven't translated that, the roof = my mouth.
I have decided that I will not have another sexual encounter until I am in a relationship. Why you may ask? Easy answer: I'm tired of men using me for my body! I would like to be clear, I'm no super model. I am not nearly one of the prettiest girls on the planet, but I'm blonde, intelligent, smile a lot, and love sex. I believe these qualities are sexually attractive to a lot of men.
I was discussing this with one of my close friends and after referring to my upstairs, downstairs, and roof, he decided whoever my new beau will be in the future will be referred to as "The Stair Master". This is both frightening and intriguing.
This is the story of one of my old college beaus. It takes place during a time in my life where I found skinny jeans and side swiped bangs very attractive on men #whatwasithinking. I met this tall lanky man with beautiful dark brown silky smooth locks at an apartment party. When you're not 21, house and apartment parties are where it's at...okaaaay. Actually, they're still pretty legit nowadays so I'm not sure why I'm getting defensive. Probably because I'm hungry and have ovaries.
So I spotted this dude. I used to play a game in college where I would attempt to make out with a dude I chose at the beginning of the night, just to see if I could because clearly I was a deranged young adult. HE was the dude of the night.
I played slightly hard to get while still glancing in his direction to reel in my prey. He came. As in: walked over. Get your mind out of the gutter I was only 18 when this happened! Anywho, something even better happened than a one-night-make-out stand. He asked for my digits. #swoon
We ended up hanging out for 3 weeks. Going on 2-3 dates per week, getting to know each other, and really enjoying some good old fashioned tonsil hockey. It was finally time for me to go to his place. Perhaps even spend the night. He had warned me once before when we went to a movie that he liked SpongeBob. I was not alarmed since I was a college student who still watched Disney movies.
But then it happened. I walked into his room. SpongeBob sheets. SpongeBob pillows. SpongeBob stringed lights. SpongeBob seasons on DVD. SpongeBob PJ pants thrown on the ground. ALARMING. SOMEONE CALL THE POPO I MAY DIE TONIGHT.
Granted, one of these items alone would not have been that awful, but the combination was slightly terrifying. Note to self: when a man warns you his obsessions, believe him.
So how did I escape? The most glorious thing happened. The fire alarm of his apartment began to ring. No I did not pull it..I'm not one to cry wolf. But thank you sweet baby Jesus. After being evacuated I politely explained it was late and I should go home. I don't know who pulled that fire alarm almost 7 years ago, but if I could hug you through cyber space I totes would.
Everytime I hear a guy say, "you're awesome but..."
Alright guys, time to to make a confession. The last few days I've been thinking bad thoughts like...
My newest love interest and I have decided to be just friends. It is to no fault of either of us really. One of those situations where we live far away and it's simply not realistic to continue. As per yuge, he wanted to be just friends which I am normally a-okay with. In fact, I have oodles of just-friends man friends who I love to pieces. I'm good at being one of the guys since I'm chill and love sex. But since he's utterly fantastic, I don't think my voracious sexual appetite and boy crazy brain could handle said friendship. This is what led to my less than happy spirit for the past few days.
Thanks to the love of my ladies, I have taken off my morose mittens and put back on my sassy pants! That's right you heard me. Things did not work out this time time, but now I'm feeling more like...
Because the thing is, I have amazing friends, a good career path ahead of me, and let's face it: a pack of ridiculously good looking animals. I swear my dog did Blue Steal the other day and has completely mastered turning left. Her career in modeling is really about to take off.
While I'm open minded and ready to find a sexual male human being to keep me company as I walk along this road of life, I am taking a bit of a change in persona. Instead of being on the hunt, I'm laying back. The men worth my time will pursue me and show me their manly manliness. Because truly, any guy that doesn't REALLY try, isn't really worth it.
The moment when your friends tell you to play it cool and you're just like...
But let me tell you something interwebs friends, being a loser is kind of awesome.
Let's think about what it means to be a "loser". To most people, all that really means is "different" or "awkward". Nowadays, being "awkward" is a commodity. Being "different" really just means that you're smart, so hanging out with certain people can be a challenge. Many people will tell you that dating is a game. In order to woo the opposite sex you have to be uninterested, while still interested, yet unattached, but still mysterious and unattainable...the list goes on, folks!
I find this idea revolting. First of all, life is fucking short - am I right, sistas! Why should I waste one second of my day pretending to be someone else while following all these rules. Second, if someone is going to date my bodacious self they're going to need to be comfortable with my strain of awkward. Not just comfortable even, they should DIG it. For example, I like to use the phrase "I want to make out with your face". Some Most people would consider this tre awkward, but let it be known: I have said this to a human man and he didn't even care. He was just like, "Fuck yeah, it'll be awesome." This is the desired response to pretty much all of my quirky phrases.
The same gentleman happens to be slightly awkward himself in all the right ways. Aka. he asks awkward questions, I reply with awkward answers, and then we continue having an open and honest conversation without someone being uncomfortable. It kind of rules.
I should have foreseen this type of back and forth based on the first kiss. Not to put too much pressure on one moment, but I can pretty much decide after Kiss 1 if I want there to be a Kiss 2 and if I will ever allow said make-out partner the privilege of insertion.
We were in the street waiting for a cab and he just grabbed me. I LOVE when men are assertive so this was an A+ first kiss #highfivedude. After we separated, I felt a lot like Julia Roberts after every amazing movie kiss she experiences...
...and then I just wanted to rejoice in my new found suitor and jam out - also JR style...
I just want your extra time and your *smooch smooch smooch smooch smooch* ki-iss.
Thank you, Prince for such a wonderful gem of music. And yes I did literally just count in my head how many "smooch" sounds she makes in the movie. And now I really want to watch Pretty Woman. I DIGRESS AS PER YUGE.
Moral of the story: life is not a game. Don't waste any of it pretending to be a person you aren't. While I take dating more one-day-at-a-time and don't know what the future will hold, I gauruntee that there is someone out there who will love my awkwardness and I will not censor myself ever.
PS. If the dude eluded to in this posts reads this #sorrynotsorry and I was only complimentary...so YOU'RE WELCOME.
You're really hard to be just friends with...you know that?
But yes, back on track here. I'm leading the focus train back into my brain station. About a year and a half ago I developed feelings for a friend of mine. We began to hook up and I was so stupid happy for a short while. I was just as honest then as I am now, so I told this man that I had what I like to call "The Feelin's". But as it turned out, he just enjoyed using me for my body...NOT COOL.
Let's fast forward another year to a few months ago. Me and this dude did resume our friendship after some apologies. We were chatting one evening, catching up on life, swapping stories, etc. And then out of nowhere he starts talking about when we used to hook up. I would like to define the term "nowhere".
Nowhere: (noun) The place where a human's mind travels after consuming copious amounts of alcohol, unbeknownst to other humans in the vicinity.
Nowhere is where those obnoxious words were uttered. "It's really hard to be just friends with you." Ummm, is it? Because I seem to remember a time I wanted to date this dude and he happened to decline that request. Thus making this one of the most annoying things a man could ever say.
It is equally as annoying as the concept of dick pics. Why would anyone ever send a dick pic. This is something that frustrates me not only as a woman, but as an intelligent person in general. Guess what? If you wanted me to see your dick - you could come over, and I could hang out with you and your dick. When not attached to a human form, the male dick is rather alarming and I don't need it popping up on my screen.
Well. That's really all I have to say on this topic.
That time someone tells you there has always been sexual tension between the two of you and you're just like...
Hey guys. Haven't written in a while - sorry bout it. It's been one of those summers spent working, playing, and being sassy in general leaving little time for this project. But hold on to your hats because I'm back and ready to share some good stuff!
I have yet another tale for you. About two years ago, my perspective on dating was much like this:
Now as a level headed individual scarred by my past relationship, I approach potential mates with more caution. I appreciated what's awesome about my new male friend, but take it one day at a time, ya know - like addicts.
Since adopting this new perspective, men have come around a few times this summer. And not in an "OMG look at all of these amazing suitors" kind of way. With the exception of 1 or 2 who will remain nameless for their own protection. Aka. I may have told them the address to this blog. Aka. Now they are off limits. Aka. Be sad you're missing THOSE stories.
Back to the story at hand though. At the beginning of the summer I went out with a group of men from my graduate school class that I don't ordinarily hang out with. Most of my friends were out of town and I really felt like drinking a beer and putting on a dress, so I gratefully accepted their invitation and headed downtown.
We swapped stories while I sipped on the usual Blue Moon (sorry #GooseIslandSofie but they don't serve you in our small town bars). It reached that point of the night where I was ready to meet up with some other folks so I said good bye and hopped along to my next location.
I had an absolutely lovely summer night...that was interrupted by an interesting string of text messages soliciting me for casual sex. Sorry, I just had to say it and get it out there in the world. I didn't mean to startle you guys! But yes. Apparently one of the gentlemen ( using that term very loosely here) I saw on my first stop of the evening thought we "always had sexual tension" and told me how "cool" I seemed and that we could "have fun together - like it would be really fun". So how does one respond to a CLASSMATE saying such words?!?!
First of all, here's a public service announcement for men. If you don't ask me in person for my phone number, it is mildly alarming to receive a text or call from you. And by "mildly alarming", I mean "stalkerish". Also, if I don't give you my phone number I probably don't want you asking me to engage in a casual sexual relationship. These seem like pretty simple ideas to me so hopefully the male populace can catch on.
ANYWAYS. Being the awkward girl pro that I am, I totally diffused the situation and have managed to keep this guys at arms length without it being 100% awkward when we hang out in a group. #GreatSuccess
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