i was homeless and slept in the tent I got for idapalooza, for 3 weeks, so that was fun!
not. i’m living with a former spanish professor that i had, who has been even before this one of the real beacons of humanity in my life, and their family.
i got promoted to full time at work, gonna need that fucking money indeed. before i was only making barely 400 a month which is why i was homeless, because before i had financial aid to help see me through, so yeah.
but the real story is how my grad school bid panned out: 2 rejections (Arizona & Brown) and 2 acceptances. (OSU Cascades and Bard College). Sad the fully fundeds turned me down but i’m in debt already and they gave me most of the money themselves and plan to, and maybe if i play my cards right after grad school i can get it forgiven, so i’m not tripping, honestly
bard was the most left field school on my list, nothing about how that school operates is normal. seeing as how i wasn’t really considering the thought of grad school before last year, i’m surprised i’m actually excited to go to school again after being pretty burned out by life the last 7 years. i went to jail. i was homeless. i got kicked from the educational program. i had a hard time making things work, i was getting lazier in school, and less satisfied. i wanted it to be over. i literally walked across the stage for my mom and my family.
but anyway i wasn’t expecting to get as far as the interview, and i feel like i could have carried myself better in that, but they actually really like me and my work, and it shows that they want me to be there. they have 4 spots open for writing so.........................the fact that i got one means something. something real that no one can take away. so i wasn’t a good enough traditional student to be accepted into the fully funded programs, that’s fine. am i an interesting enough artist who cares deeply about my chosen art form as well as the others and loves to experiment? evidently, absolutely.
i’ve had a hard time coming into real confidence in myself. everything over the past year seems to have happened super fast, way more than i ever expected my trajectory to go in writing. it’s been scary. a few times i just wanted to stop the ride. because of this fear, apprehension, and ascent, or of how much i’ve invested myself into this idea of me as a writer and it never paying off and self-deprecating because of that, it created this split in me where its like i play myself up for people, but i also have to hide how inadequate i feel at times, how i don’t think i’m as good as other people think i am. and because of that split i grossly projected onto a former friend and now we’re not friends. all of that energy kind of deformed me for a while. i’m gonna try to set things right as far as that goes.
i don’t have a lot of moments in life where i just blow up at someone. its extremely extremely rare. she doesn’t owe me anything. but i’m gonna try. i’m in pain everyday because of this moment
people seem to really think i’m talented and worthy, and it’s been a game of catch up to their projections, my projection of myself, because i do perform well. there were times where people gave me sincere compliments and i sort of flinched in pain.
but now i’m coming around to this idea of me as someone who is actually good at what she does and has no shame in being so invested in it, who is a unique creative force, who is exceptional because i am me. yeah i’m worried about all the potential drama and chances to mess up...but i cant let those moments hijack my mind anymore. with more time i’ll know how to deal, and being will feel more natural. and no one really cares about me that much anyway.
i don’t know if i’m going to totally raise stakes and move to New York state. the thing about Bard is that its low-residency, so its formatted for people who have real lives outside of school, but the times you’re there (two months in the summer) its really intense. then you do independent study where you live and prepare for next summer i would like to, for convenience sake, but i have to find a full time job and a place to live while i’m there. i’ll try, but no promises. if i can’t i can just regroup down here.
going to art school / summer camp for writing lol
people havent seen anything yet
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