Ripe & Ruin

25. california. pictures & words.

[perpetual-praxis]

Now the real reason I’m blogging today... I lost a piece of my childhood today. My 13th birthday present. My puppy. My meesh. I lost my girly last year and now him. They’ve reunited in doggy heaven. A part of me is numb to the pain and then I remember some dumb thing he’s done and I just start crying. He was such a stubborn pup, who grew up to be a grumpy old man. But he was always so loving and sweet. Imma miss your bark when we walked out of a room for a second, you licking the sliding door to try to get in, feeding you fruits and vegetables cuz the other dogs would never eat them, picking you up when you decided you didn’t wanna walk anymore, voicemails from strangers saying they found you on the street again...13 years of moments I’ll miss. I love you baby. Say hi to Hurley for me.

[perpetual-praxis]

I’ve been wanting to blog update but putting it off. I’ve been having a great time living with my boyfriend. The last 3 months have been great. The normal stressful move in type of stuff, but we have been doing great. Creating our home together has been lovely. We really still vibe and get along perfectly. We have the same ideas and outlook on what we want our life to be, and when we do disagree, we try our best to communicate like adults lol. I’m happy. I found my soulmate.

I turned 26 two weeks ago. I cry practically every year on my birthday. I get such bad birthday anxiety. And this year I wanted it to be different. My anxiety stems from expectations on what my day should be like. So I decided to have none. Just treat it like any other day. And I didn’t cry. And it was a great birthday. And I was happy. I had the day off work, I invited my dad on a new hiking trail (the hollywood sign lol), and then I relaxed until dinner time. My dinner plans failed but it was fine, we found a second alternative which was just as great. It was a simple day like any other, but I was with my favorite people (minus one brother) and I was whole and it was still my day. Then the weekend came and my boyfriend threw me a surprise birthday party and it was just perfect because he knew how much I wanted a party in honor of me. I appreciate him so much he really is a great person. I’m so lucky he’s mine.

[perpetual-praxis]

I’ll also add that more than anything I’m beyond excited to move in with the love of my life. This is a big step for us as individuals and as a couple. This is something we have been wanting since early on in our relationship. And 2 years later we’re doing the damn thing. If you asked any past parts of me if I thought I’d be where I am today they would say no and be so proud. My 20s have been a great period of growth and I know I say it all the time but I’m really glad I stuck around to experience them.

[perpetual-praxis]

Tomorrow I’ll be a homeowner. I’ve moved out of my parents house before for college but it was always temporary. And now it very well may be permanent. I’m overfilled with emotion. As much as I’ve yearned for my own space and for this next big girl step, I’m going to miss so much about home. I’m not moving far so I know I’ll be here often, but just like when I moved away for college, I know coming back won’t be the same. This room holds so many memories, good and bad. The countless nights I spent crying myself to sleep wishing the pain would stop. The nights I stayed up on the phone with guys or scrolling on tumblr. The laughs, the fights, the little moments with my family. My dogs. I’m going to miss seeing my dogs every day. My parents. My brothers. I’m so unbelievably blessed. This is the end of a big chapter for me. This home, this culdesac has been my everything for 17 years. And now I’m in a 30 year commitment hahaha. I know I’ll be okay, but purging my childhood the next few days is going to bring up a lot of past emotions.

[perpetual-praxis]

I’m a very sentimental person. So moving out of my childhood room is really hard. Letting go of items that hold a lot of meaning and memories.

[perpetual-praxis]

So I didn’t do my 2020 review post since I don’t really use this site anymore lol. But it’s always been a free space to document my thoughts and I do go back from time to time to read. This one probably won’t be too long. 2020 was rough for obvious reasons. I lost my Hurley girly, my grumpy Jules, and my freckles Karma. I almost lost a family member to suicide and the fact that I was able to spend the last 3 holidays with them was such a blessing. This year hurt. This year tested us all. But there is still so much to be thankful for. I have 2 wonderful parents who have given me more than I could’ve ever dreamed. 3 brothers who I am working on my relationship with, in our own ways just finding time to appreciate who they are and hoping they can do the same in return. 2 cute lil puppies, and 2 dogs we have been caring for who I now love even more than before. And my lovely partner, who has really grown with me this year. Quarantine only brought us closer and I’m so thankful for my family embracing him as family now. We are set to be moving out together in the next few weeks, and while I’m nervous about this big adult step, I’m so excited to see what this year brings for my relationships. I love my life, and every day that I wake up to experience it is a blessing.

[perpetual-praxis]

It really hurts being the oldest sibling and then one day you realize your siblings don’t need you anymore.

[perpetual-praxis]

I amaze myself sometimes.

[perpetual-praxis]

I don’t know what to say or where to go. So let’s try a tumblr post. This year has been a whirlwind. So much loss. And not just missing out on all our favorite events and places to go. I lost 3 pets this year. I see dead animals every week and so I’ve grown numb to that pain and loss. But even if I don’t show it on the outside it’s there. The worst was my dog of 16 years. I think of her every day. I still pray for her every night. That girl was a 10lb beast. The alpha female I called her. I’ve been watching silently as the people around me have changed. Our mental health is slipping. Something some of us have worked so long and hard for. For one year to fuck us all. Safer at home isn’t true for everyone. Not for those who have nothing to go home to. Who sit there depressed and lonely. I keep praying to God, now more than ever, give me answers please. Help me continue believing that you have power and grace. Save my loved ones. Save us. I believe the universe is listening but it still feels like I’m screaming into the void.

[perpetual-praxis]

In a weird feel tonight. Thinking about past relationships. My current relationship. People I used to know. People I know now. Just trying to take in my life and not cringe at the mistakes I made but instead rejoice in the fact that they led me to here. I’m not where I want to be yet, but I don’t think I ever will be. Endless seeking until death. And this year has been hard. But I’ve had harder years. And so even if I have to constantly remind myself all I have to be greatful for... it’s worth reminiscing all the pain. My life is worth it all.

[rainekeiko]

Good things are happening behind the scenes. You may not see it yet, but you will soon. Embrace optimism.

[4daloveofkj-deactivated20201014]

Fly high

[perpetual-praxis]

A feeling I thought I’d forgotten...

[perpetual-praxis]

Honestly y’all I think I prefer my anxiety over my depression. I kinda like it better when I feel everything versus feeling nothing. I’ve been going through the motions and not happy with it. Feel like I’ve been going nonstop between school and work. And none of it seems to matter. I used to think I was doing something important, now I feel like what’s the point... do I really even have a purpose.

[dimpledthings]

you don’t need to have your life sorted out by the end of the season, year, school, college, your teens, twenties, or any other time limit.

it is a fact that you will always face problems in your life. imposing a deadline can help motivate, but often it’s just one more problem.

take a look at those problems, and your perspective. you’re doing good just by being, and you’re going to do good taking on problems too

[khuq-deactivated20250511]

To feel safe around someone’s energy is a different kind of intimacy.

[twitblr]

We all should be entitled to the right to live.