You know, these long work trips give me so much time to think, and while at times it can fill me with overwhelming sadness, I think it's for the best that I get this opportunity. An opportunity to think through my life, the things I've done and said, experienced and felt, while for once I'm in a good, healthy place in my life.
I've been thinking a lot about the people in my life. My friends, family, and love. About the people who have come and gone from my life. People who have meant the world to me, and who are most now gone from it.
And while much of those thoughts are preceded by the darker thoughts of what went on with those people, and how it affected me, I have mostly focused on what those people meant to me and the lessons I learned from them. Because everyone that's come into my life has taught me something, but I'm going to focus on the people that I've fallen for and that I've given disproportionate amounts of my time and energy. Because ultimately those are who taught me the most about myself. Maybe not the most about life, or how the best to succeed in this endeavor may be, but the tools and knowledge of myself to obtain those goals.
The first involved a lot of hard lessons to learn and truths to find, especially at such a young age. She taught me some of the more basic things about people, like you shouldn't be so quick to trust someone. She taught me the value of communication, and how horrible things can go when you choose to assume the other person knows what you want instead of both people voicing those things. I learned that while words are cheap and they can be difficult to trust, they also hold a lot of weight and are not easily forgotten. But in the same respect I learned how important my actions and behavior were, and how much more inherent value laid within these things.
The second one, the one that quite literally broke me down as an individual and forced me to rebuild, taught me how people change. She showed me how naive I was in love. She showed me what it was like to be deceived. To be lied to over and over about important things and inconsequential things. She taught me how blind love can make you to things that really should be obvious to anyone that has their eyes open. She taught me that people are going to grow and change, and that if you try to force open the door that allows yourself to change with someone, then you close every other door that may come your way throughout your life. I learned to be cautious of people that don't really have any friends. I honestly didn't grow much during this relationship, and it fucked me up afterwards. I was 19 until I was almost 23. This relationship taught me to value myself, and that love that is difficult is never worth holding on to.
The one that never really was taught me to love myself. It was a weird and wild time of my life, but if I have to be honest it was exactly what I needed. She taught me how valuable it can be to prioritize someone as a friend, even when there are definitely other mutual feelings between two people. She taught me to be comfortable with who I am and to embrace it. She showed me that my previous fears of just being a person that person don't tend to like was just due to me not letting myself grow into who I really am. That my suppression of myself was honestly the root of most of my problems. She taught me how to love truly unconditionally, and to accept the person that you love without any judgement. She opened me up to the world and gave me the confidence to be myself in it. She showed me it's possible to remain best friends with someone that you're involved with, even if that aspect of your relationship ends in not the best ways.
The current one, the girl I honestly really hope I spend my life with, has taught me how easy it is to be in love with the right person at the right time. She's taught me how amazing it is to be in love with your best friend, to live with that person, to be so completely comfortable with that person that you can fart, make weird whale noises, talk in a variety of different accents, laugh, cry, climb, and just be exactly who you are with. She has shown me that I can truly trust someone with love again and that being in love, in a deeply committed relationship, can be so easy, fulfilling, and life enhancing. She's shown me exactly what I want in a life partner.
I've still got a lot of living and learning to do, but I'm at a point in my 26 years that I think I've learned how to love someone. I think I've learned what I don't want in a relationship in my younger years, which has led me to find the things I do want in a relationship in my more recent years. I've learned to be friends with your lover, treat them as a person, let their actions confirm their statements, and always, always speak your mind and heart.
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