I just had to explain this to a 24-year-old who has been sexually active for years, so we’re all getting a refresher course in condom use before we give each other fucking gonorrhea.
Step One: Acquire a condom. No money? No problem. If you wander close enough to a planned parenthood, someone will throw them at your face. Got money? Good for you. Go buy them. Get them ribbed or studded or kumquat-scented or whatever the hell you kids are into these days. Get them fucking glow-in-the-dark for all I care. Just make sure they fit. And whatever you do, don’t use them after their expiration date and don’t store them in your goddamn wallet.
Step Two: Get a willing partner. And I don’t mean like “Yeah, sure, whatever, I guess I’m okay with this” willing. A shrug and an awkward silence isn’t fucking good enough. You need someone with goddamn enthusiasm. You need someone who hungers for your loins like a starving cheetah eyeing a piece of zebra ass. Them begging you for it is optional, but kind of fun.
Step Three: Open the condom. Like a human. With your fingers. Ripping it open with your teeth like a starving hyena is not only bad for your teeth, it’s an awesome way to rip a hole in the damn thing. Any sex appeal you might have somehow gotten from chewing the condom open will immediately evaporate when you’re spitting out lube and reaching for a second condom. Just open it properly.
Step Four: Figure out which way it goes. Seriously. Condoms aren’t like toilet paper rolls, where there’s a right way and an incorrect-but-I-guess-it-will-do way to put them on. There is one correct way only. Look at it. When you put something hard and penis-shaped into the tip, it should roll right down with minimum effort. Pay attention, because if you put this thing on backwards, there’s no turning it inside-out and trying again - you have to throw that shit out and start over.
Step Five: Before you put it on, pinch the reservoir! You know, that little balloon-y tip on the end? Pinch it. Push out all the air, and hold it. Your condom should have less air than the surface of the moon. Forgetting to pinch the reservoir is a recipe for a broken condom, and nobody has the time or energy to deal with that shit.
Step Six: Roll it on. Stick it on the head of the penis, and roll it down until the whole shaft is covered. Penis not erect? You’re not ready for a condom, play with it a little and try again. Accidentally put in on backwards? Throw that shit out and start again. Condom doesn’t roll down without yanking on it? It’s too small, throw that shit out and get a different size. Condom fitting too loosely and not staying put? It’s too big, throw that shit out and get a different size. Were you actually in need of a female condom? Throw the male one out and get the right one.
Step Seven: Have at it. Do the thing. If you feel the condom slipping or if it comes off completely, you need to stop immediately and go back to steps one to three. Do not pass Go. Do not collect $200. And if one of you changes your mind about continuing, you stop right the fuck now. Immediately.
Step Eight: When you’re done, the person wearing the condom has to grab it by the base, and pull it all the way out. You’re gonna go soft after that, and if you let the condom slip off before you’re all the way out, then you just let a lot of package-opening and rubber-unrolling skills go to waste. And once you do take it off, wrap it up in toilet paper and toss it in the trash - don’t you dare flush it, your plumbing will not be happy with you.
So that’s it, folks. That’s how you put a condom on a penis that needs to have a condom on it. Play safe out there, people.
tangentwithtanner
theartofmadeline
blakekathryn
titsay
snowghoul
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