the lukas family and the exploration of their loyalty to the lonely, deeply rooted religious guilt and anger. hello. take a seat. i went crazy again.
i think both mordechai and peter had no idea if they were able to care for someone. all they cared about was loyalty to their patron, it was the most important thing in their lives. yes, both of them had a partnership with jonah magnus but there was always doubt about what they actually felt for the man. whether it was a âbusiness dealâ no strings attached or genuine affection (or both). those men never thought falling for someone would be a possibility in their case given their connection to the lonely. (donât get me started on their feelings about romantic attraction. they absolutely couldnât tell if they were capable of feeling like that about anyone.) and yet, both of them at least enjoyed jonahâs company, which was still confusing.
now, mordechai was devoted to the forsaken to the point where he would deny all his feelings for any man he was close to with a stone cold face if anyone ever accused him of being a disgrace to the forsaken. he would throw the person into his domain forever, make more sacrifices, make more people suffer. he never felt like he had to prove anything to anyone. he was so confident and sure in his religion. people feared him because they knew he would sacrifice them in a heartbeat if they ever wronged him (honorary barnabas bennett mention).
meanwhile if anyone ever accused peter of the same thing, he would blame himself and feel the guilt deeply. he would isolate, letting the lonely feed on him, because he is a disgrace, isnât he? heâs a disappointment to his family, to his patron. he deserves to be in pain. he must isolate himself for days to get rid of those feelings. he canât be close to anyone. he is not supposed to care for anyone, especially an eye avatar. this is not what he was taught. this is not how a servant of the forsaken should act towards another man.
mordechai directed his anger at other people. anyone who dared to mock him could get ready to suffer in the lonely till their last day. and peter directed his anger at no one but himself.
i also think peterâs parents had mordechaiâs mindset and they surely meant for peter to act just as ruthless, to be just as confident and devoted to the lonely. a boy brought up in a cult, quiet, scared and never doubting, never imagining a life without his patron, ideal child. and what did peter become? perhaps he was loyal to his patron, perhaps he made sacrifices, perhaps he believed to be strong. but in reality, he was naive and quite easily manipulated. his attempt at the ritual failed miserably. he was laughed at. he trusted jonah, trusted martin, he put trust in people just to get betrayed and mocked at the end. mocked by the very man who peter felt somewhat close to.
peter might have fed the forsaken well (also with his own lonely feelings), but ironically, he never had the respect he was probably expected to receive by his family. mordechai would have not liked him. he would have most certainly thought of him as weak and, quite frankly, pathetic. and itâs so important to me.
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annaxmalina
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