Petrichalia

he/him I’ve resolved myself to say nothing Although, the resolution begs to be broken

[petrichalia]

I hope you choose to finish reading house of leaves someday. So many references to things we would have gotten real excited over. Not to mention the psychological aspect. You'll thoroughly enjoy it I think.

[petrichalia]

I was dog sitting yesterday and one of them wouldn't go inside. I had to go to rehearsal and I was already late from waiting on her to come inside. I couldn't pick her up cause she'd gone under the porch. So, regrettably, I stomped all over the deck and scared her out. It worked, but she feared me.

When I got back after rehearsal I spent 3 hours laying on the floor and crawling around the house. Attempting to make my already diminutive figure even less imposing. 10 seconds of damage barely repaired by 3 hours on the floor. The whole time I reminded myself of my new philosophy, "any time spent connecting with others is time well spent"

Trying to think of myself as less of a wage slave and more of a person. My time with others is invaluable. And I will lay on the floor as long as necessary to right my wrongs.

[petrichalia]

This has become a dumping ground for my grief for you, orien. Losing you and still sharing a town with you is so difficult. Knowing you, and distantly witnessing your current operations, I don't imagine you find it as hard as I do.

I don't know if you've felt much grief for me. I know you've felt hate. I've seen how deeply you can hate. It hurts me to know you've gone through that process with me. Recatologing me as your enemy. It pains me. But more pertinent than that, I fear that it might kill you. Not over me specifically, I am not so special as that. But because you have so many you carry inside you who you hate so strongly, I worry about your nervous system. I'm a nurse, I'm gonna worry about stuff like that.

I'm actually a psych nurse now. You've missed a lot. I'm really becoming someone that I am proud of. I wish we could talk about neuroscience for just a few more minutes. When we left off, I was just learning deescalation. You'd love the topics I've covered since.

I want to talk about the CIA with you. Compare notes.

I want to hear the ideas behind your pieces. The ones I've seen online, I love. I'd like them but I dont want to break boundaries. I will submit to you in our shared social circle. When asked I have told others only good things about you. Ive told mutual irl connections that our falling out is my fault. I've gushed about your art.

I wish I'd been better at reading you. Hindsight is 20/20. The Brandon Sanderson books you wanted me to read...god. that wasnt just about the books, young Azzie!! It was a bid for connection and I flunked. And when I flunked the bid, it turned into a trial of my devotion. When I flunked again, I had created real damage.

I triggered you frequently when I didnt pay attention to you. I didnt pay attention to FMA. I was focused on my girlfriend. And when you expressed that to me, I got bristly!! What the fuck, azzie!!? I hate that I learned with you. I hate it. I hate that you were my learning material I wish you were the final test.

I gave a lot to you. But I wasn't very good at giving yet. Its not taking in strays. I was wrong about characterizing my servant heart that way. I'm just a humanist and a radical. I'm a pacifist by nature. I yearn to comfort others. The hospital nurtured that in me, and now it spills over into every aspect of my life. And prescient in my mind is the vital fact that ones own needs have to be met before they can care for others.

Anyway. Maybe you'll never read this. Maybe you will read it just to mock it. I dont know what all youre up to nowadays other than your art. On the off chance you ever make it this far, I want you to know its a pleasure to share a town with you. Even though its hard emotionally. This town is special because youre in it.

I miss you. I love you, odd as it sounds now. I truly do. And not just the old you. I love that you exist at all. Its a kind of love I've never felt. One that lays dormant. Untouched even, and sometimes for long periods. But it is steadfast. And after talking to Owen not too long ago, I want to clarify it is a platonic love. You were my BEST friend. My partner in crime. My favorite person to converse with.

I wish we could have grieved Roger together. I kept leaving the room so you could have mike. I should have stayed in the bathroom longer so you could have talked to him more.

I dream of a day we are rejoined in older age. A day that we will have grace for not only our younger selves, but each others younger selves. And more than anything I long for another day to go walking with you.

[petrichalia]

I miss seeing twice as many stars I hate every one that isnt you

[petrichalia]

Life is fucking stupid without you. How much more do I have to kill myself and spread my own guts around before you finally either cure my agony or fucking put me out of my misery, orien? Christ. You cannot pretend to have found an equal in our unique connection. You cannot pretend the bond of brotherhood is so forgettable. Those nights in my car were transcendent. And no one has matched your wit. Losing you meant losing access to the intellect you possess and the ease of conversation we created.

Whatever youre a ghost now. Or at least im dead to you. I hope you hate me though. Indifference from you would shatter me.

[petrichalia]

They have this stupid analogy about grief and a ball and buttons. Whatever. When youre unstuck in time, none of that shit matters. Time doesnt heal shit for fuck when my nervous system reminds me over and over how those memories with you are the first good and free ones I ever made. You hating me is worse than my mother's scorn. What is it tchaikovsky said?

The version of you I callously tossed behind would have loved the person I am today. I truly believe that. I didnt give you the time or attention you deserved. I didnt even think about how much trust you were placing in me.

A long time ago you told me you hate your younger self. I defended middle school you, but you said its good because you needed to change. I didnt get it. I get it. I hate the him I was for ruining this. I hate him for fucking it all up. I hate his thoughts.

He hated himself too. We can all hate him. I'm sorry.

[petrichalia]

When I do pray, i pray you succeed. I cant help it i just love your mind

[petrichalia]

Wandering this hick town at 2am, frightened only by deer and my own shadow. Drenched in fog, its like being inside your own head. Nary a car, ergo nary a headlight. The only human breath eminating from your own nose, but the deer huff through the murk. Sitting with the uncomfortable feeling that if something were to emerge from the wall of mist, it would look an awful lot like me.

[petrichalia]

We used to say we'd rehab each other if one of us ever became evil. I guess being bipolar is too evil for you

[petrichalia]

I had gathered too many things to take care of i wasn't able to take care of myself. And even still I am learning more about what this body needs. What emotions I will allow to inhabit it.

[petrichalia]

Ive been thinking a lot about badness and goodness lately. I used to think we were all born good and turned bad from circumstance.

Then I let a little of that black smoke into my chest cavity. It crept in when my defenses were low.

I got a new prescription when I realized it all looked blurry.

Now when I remember to wear my glasses the road looks clear again. I remember to look behind me after I got pulled over a couple times.

Goodness is natural, of course. But when the ashy cloud is too thick we lose the way to it unless you admit you cant see. And if you try to drive in the dark you will hurt someone.

[petrichalia]

The only thing worth finding is the feeling conjured between the three of us at the breakfast table. The feeling stretched across decades and tied together by nights we fought against sleep to sip the last sacchrine drops of a midnight conversation. The rest of our lives forever craving these moments.

[petrichalia]

The night sky is still the most beautiful sight. But I'll never forget those nights by your side when we'd see twice as many stars together.

[petrichalia]

Brother,

I had a dream about you. You were in the drivers seat of my car. Babbling on about languages and life. My heart sang a heavy tune as I asked if you forgave me. You wordlessly hugged me. I woke up in a pool of sweat. Not a day goes by I don't think of you. I pray for you. Without you I am missing a part of myself. I hope we one day reunite with a clean slate and joyful souls, but I fear you will never forgive me for abandoning you.

It was my greatest mistake and I will mourn you until we meet again in the next life.

[petrichalia]

I miss your laughter in my life. I check up on you to find your poetry has died with your love for me. Hatred giving it some twisted death rattle. I hope one day we find forgiveness in each other. You would not be proud of the way I carry on. You would be proud of the way I think these days. We will always make each other worse even across this expanse. And I will always miss you

[petrichalia]

My mama ain't proud but at least I'm saving lives

[petrichalia]

I often wish I hadn't needed you when I did. Then maybe we could have waited to become friends. We could have been older, and more mature.

I hope one day we reconnect. We had something special, messed up by circumstance and naivete.