This morning I woke up terribly. Me and Sir had a tumultuous evening in which a lot of crying and snapping and misery and panicking occurred. It was bad and I just couldn't sleep afterwards. The alarm went off at 9 probably about 2/3 hours after I finally drifted off. I didn't have the energy to turn it off at all. Luckily somehow I had set a second one in my sleep deprived state and managed to coax myself out of bed to eat and watch "Extreme Weightloss" though as I work early Sundays I had to get up and go pretty shortly after that. I felt so sick as I ate. It hit the back of my throat and it hurt. I just wanted to throw up the entire time which is kind of weird. Then as I was putting on my face I still felt horribly nauseated. I hope this doesn't carry on.
Sir had wanted me to take the day off today to recover after such an upsetting evening and talk things through but I left it too late as you have to call in a set time before you start to call in sick. Sir told me to call in anyway but I refused. I am terribly socially anxious on the phone as is, and I was worried about the repercussions of being ill. Though I felt like shit I thought I could still make it. Things kind of got worse as I then refused to talk about it and just threw a hissy fit. We walked to work in silence and I felt like the shittest person in the world who isn't worthy of this at all. I just felt like I couldn't do what it was Sir desired. We spent ages talking about this last night too and I still massively fucked up this morning.
Work was fine if not a little tedious. I got quite short tempered with someone who tried to argue the usage of an out of date voucher, but apart from that it was mostly banal. I've not been feeling hungry at all today. I'm not sure what I'll be feeling later as right now I can tell my body's primary concern is having a rest after failing so spectacularly to sleep last night. Once that is out the way I'm sure it will remind me I'm hungry again.
After work Sir came to pick me up and we chatted on the way home about the events of the evening prior and came to a nice conclusion, with the precedence of more talking on the horizon, horay!
I look forward to tonight's weigh in to see if I have managed to lose again. I hope to! No drinking massive amounts of water beforehand I guess.
Down by another pound! Feels good! I hope it continues in this way as it's really inspiring. It really reinforces doing this diet and makes me want to carry on.
The rest of the evening was spent womping and watching movies.
So as I mentioned earlier me and Sir had spent a large amount of time last night talking relentlessly. It all came about after an evening of me feeling particularly naggy where I ended up snapping at Sir and not respecting him over something as petty as not letting Him take control of His own computer.
He was really not impressed by this and I apologised. Then I tried to explain it from my point of view but then it seemed as though Sir thought I was trying to justify the behaviour or be defensive which I was really trying to not do at all.
Queue a lot more talking of this and me getting more and more exhausted and eventually Sir is asking whether we should keep the D/s side of things at all and thus leading me to just not feel good enough. I felt so pushed, I just couldn't give Him or anyone else what they wanted. Why can't people just be happy with what I can give them, why do they always want more, etc, etc. Anyway I then had an anxiety attack and burst in massive gasping sobs to which Sir then felt like every time He tried to be more strict and take control that I just got upset and that's not what He wanted and that He should just give up that massive dream part of His future life, sacrifice being Dominant for my happiness.
So I obviously don't want this. I am not destroying Sir's potential future happiness just because I am a massive fuck up. As I am now, thinking rationally, not pushed, not angry, not upset I can say with conviction that quitting is not even remotely what I want at all. And to see Sir live half a life because of me, never truly happy, NOPE.
But then Sir turned into a deprecating mess who wouldn't let me touch his face and would not listen to a word I would say so by this point, exhausted out of my brain, I just hugged him silently until He recovered, which he did. He could see that he was being deprecatey but still thought some of what He said stood. Anyway as we fell asleep we kind of reached a "everything will be fine" stage. Which was all good until this morning where it exploded all over again, as detailed earlier.
Anyway on the way to work after finally cracking the all encompassing silence we talked a bit about how I still refuse Him when He tells me to do things. I am just such a stubborn child and sometimes I'm just stuck in a little egotistical bubble which thinks it knows best, christ. But yes after Sir 'dead voicing' all the way to work we kind of finally had some resolution which made me late for work but was worth it; in which I noted that Sir had pushed me with the weight loss thing and I did and continue to obey Him regarding this, and though often I have thought it is a bad idea and not wanted to do it etc, He has pushed me through and I have listened to Him and thus this has shown me that sometimes my supposed 'better' judgement isn't always that.
Sir wanted to drop this side of things for the day as He thought about whether there was a future for the D/s side of things with us or whether I'd successfully managed to piss that into the wind. He said to stop calling me Sir but I found myself saying it anyway. It really is conditioned into me now. Stubborn to the end. He asked me to think of it over my work shift; which was quite hard as I felt like my brain was disintegrating rather a lot by this point.
On the way back He seemed much cheerier as I guess He's had some time to mull things over and plus I had basically said yes I want this to continue, no way are You taking this away from me and once we start to go serious D/s, not just kind half as it is now, that I would try my hardest with much effort and gusto. So we decided to talk of it for the next few weeks or so until my next collar arrives, the collaring ceremony of which will be the beginning of D/s 2.0 haha
Also He reset the precious tally and stated that should He have been counting I would have made a whopping 26. But He wasn't, lucky me. We shall see whether I manage to make it to later on zero as it currently stands.
Another thing to add is that Sir has now started his own blog, Sir's Diary which lead for some fascinating reading for me last night! I really enjoyed His style of writing and it was really nice to get into His head and see things how He sees them.
Snuggles must be had now.
Later on in the evening me and Sir had a magical fun play time involving spending most of the time with Sir behind me as I was on my knees. Many an orgasm was had and much neck choking. We did have further plans to get more 'interesting' but after one extreme usage sessoin I was almost sick and kind of fell down asleep. It was super!
