perfection is absolution

peyton alexander. twenty-two.receptionist.

[peytonalexcnder]

Text: Es & Pey

Esme: He said Vera was in a bad way and he needed to drive her home. I mean he tried to text but with the fire and the party, I didn't get it so I don't know if it's actually ditching... He's not backtracking, he's just very...about doing it the way we agreed to do it. I don't know. Like I said, it's complicated. It sounds like maybe it was a misunderstanding. Isn't it something that could be talked out? Or do you not want to talk to her like that again? Is everything going to be ok? You guys aren't going to make me pick sides are you?

Peyton: It sounds like maybe you're both not on the same page again. But at the same time, maybe he wants to know you want to be serious with him because you want to, not because you feel guilty or sorry, you know? It wasn't a normal fight, I told her we shouldn't be friends anymore. I told her we were growing up. It felt like we wanted different things and last year was fucked, I need to take care of myself. I said some things I really shouldn't have but I guess I was so fixated on the negative. I don't think she'll want to talk to me anymore after all of it. Things have just been... idk. No, don't even worry, nothing's changed. She probably won't bring it up at all and the last thing I want is to put you in an awkward place.

[peytonalexcnder]

Text: Es & Pey

Esme: I lot of things. He said he wasn't seeing anyone else and that he needed time to like re-adjust and I kind of told him maybe I didn't want him to, but he doesn't trust my feelings after NYE which is fair, but he's also got this ex that he kind of ditched me for on our Halloween date, and he explained it all, but I'm not entirely sure if I trust his feelings either. And I have talked to him and it didn't change anything. He said he was just a big gesture guy and it didn't have to mean anything, and I'm probably just making so many mistakes with everything. WHAT? WHAT HAPPENED?

Peyton: Wait, he ditched you on Halloween? I didn't know that. So is he just like... backtracking everything now? I guess it was a long time coming. She said I was shutting her out but I just didn't think she would have understood anything of what I was going through. We weren't talking for ages anyway and I'm just in a place where I can't be around the drugs and partying anymore. But on hindsight I probably took out a lot of things I was feeling about myself on her. Idk. I made a fucking mess of that too, I don't think there's any going back from this, not the way it used to be.

[peytonalexcnder]

texts | brooks + peyton

Brooks: I see you as more now. I can try and adjust. I don't want to guilt you or anything. But, there's just something there for me.

Brooks: I think it would probably be good for you to let it out to someone, you know. I'm sure you've heard that too, but I understand wanting to keep it to yourself. Doesn't feel as real if it's just you that owns it all. Everything you're feeling is everything you're feeling, not everything the world sees you as and somehow that feels better. But... it's a weight, ya know? Yeah, well. I do like her, she is great. But.. so are you.

Peyton: This isn't something where I've turned you down and now you're just saying it for idk, the chase or something? Not to lump you in with other guys but that's pretty much a default now and just for my sake I need to know. You're not guilting me, but I can't keep things light and easy and fun right now. I can't start something to see where it leads either. And knowing you're dating a friend of mine too, I can't detach from that. I know this is all complicated and you've probably had your fill of that already, but what I'm trying to say is there's something there for me too and if things were different for me I would have said yes. So for now... friends.

Peyton: I know. And... yeah. Exactly. You said exactly what I've been thinking. How did you do that? Okay. Thank you, but you'll forgive me if I don't feel the same way right now.

[peytonalexcnder]

Text: Es & Pey

Esme: I think I'd want to try. Just the idea of it terrifies me, because I know things with him are complicated, but I keep thinking about that date I missed. But I also think my chance for that might have sailed. I think I really messed up. Yeah, I cant blame you for that. You're being smarter about it and just not dating at all. Save yourself from my mistakes. Enough to know that she's dating Colin and he's taking her hiking which is kind of hilarious. Why?

Peyton: Why is it complicated? With being casual about everything or something else? Maybe telling him that would fix some of it because tbh from how he was planning the date... it didn't sound casual at all. Oh. I didn't know she was dating Colin. Um, we had this huge fight at the auction so we're not talking and honestly I don't know if we ever will again.

[peytonalexcnder]

texts | brooks + peyton

Brooks: And I'm fine with that. If you just want to be friends, then I can just be friends and it's cool. But, I don't know. To me things are kind of changed.

Brooks: You don't have to get into it, but I'm always here if you want to talk about things. Long story or not. Well I understand that. I can't say I'm super comfortable with it either, but I, yeah, I guess I thought it'd be good for me. But I respect that.

Peyton: Kind of changed?

Peyton: Thanks Brooks. Maybe one day. I haven't really talked about it with anyone, part of me doesn't really want to either but I think I've been doing a shitty job of not thinking about it even if it's like changed my entire world? Idk. I know things are complicated right now but you must really like her and I can see why. Esme's really great. And it could still be good for you to do the whole casual thing, if that's what you're looking for. I meant it when I said it was nice seeing you have fun.

[peytonalexcnder]

text | chace + peyton

Chace: you're right, it didn't matter; i tossed myself a curveball and picked something green instead. Dad wanted to do a nice dinner out, but i kinda just needed an excuse to text you

Chace: i'm gonna start wearing shades whenever i head out if that's the vibe i'm giving off. [snap of his feet in cow print socks] think you're really just jealous my sock game is so much better than yours. sure there's a hole in them but the print? *chef's kiss*

Peyton: You did always look good in green. I would say it's more your color than blue. Was there a special occasion? I know I've sucked at replying but you never needed an excuse, homie. I will accept memes and cute cat videos any day.

Peyton: Wearing shades at night gives off a tryhard vibe and I don't know which one is better for you. [snap of her banana print socks] Mine are obviously cooler. Oh you think I was roasting them for the print and not because you've worn them so thin you have holes in your clothes???

[peytonalexcnder]

Text: Es & Pey

Esme: I kind of am though. I'm sick of being like this and hurting guys that are important to me. It's a horrible feeling, and it keeps happening no matter how open I try to be about things. And besides...maybe I don't know if I'm ready anymore. If I weren't a factor, would you still go on the date though?

Peyton: It's okay to grow out of a place you were in. It doesn't make you a bad person. Would you date Flynn exclusively if he asked? Maybe. I don't know. I don't think so. I've been trying to ignore it but I'm just not in a place to date right now. Um, how much have you spoken to Rae lately?

[peytonalexcnder]

Text: Es & Pey

Esme: That’s what sucks about it. He doesn’t even blame me. I’m so awful he’s blaming himself for having feelings. No, it’s fine. Brooks and I aren’t exclusive obviously, and I think I have to think about what I want...

Peyton: You're not awful, Es. You're just not ready and you've been nothing but honest with him about it. As long as I'm not a factor in what you have to think about. Finding out about this just makes me sure I'm not ready to date anyone so you don't have to worry about Brooks and I.

[peytonalexcnder]

Text: Talia & Pey

Talia: Well I’m glad I didn’t have to wrestle it from you! Yeah lots of nostalgia on that date haha. Um, yeah. He might be one of the ones. It shouldn’t be complicated though.

Peyton: If you came close to the Chopped date we would have gone into an outright war! How many times have you been? Shouldn't in what way?

[peytonalexcnder]

texts | sarina + peyton

Sarina: Velour tracksuits. Hip hugger jeans. Dresses over jeans. Skinny scarves. I could go on. It's all bad.

Peyton: Dresses over jeans give me the worst flashbacks. Did you also go through a vest phase? The only good to come out of it all is Ugg Boots. I don't care what anyone says, you can pry them from my cold dead hands.

[peytonalexcnder]

texts | sarina + peyton

Sarina: Why was 2008 fashion ever a thing and why do people feel like it would be a good idea to bring it back? Do they not have eyes?

Peyton: The velour tracksuits or the liquid leggings?

[peytonalexcnder]

text | chace + peyton

Chace: I know!! that's why you've gotta be more specific

Chace: Fuck, you're the third person who's told me that this week. tf did I do? What are you silently roasting me on?

Peyton: Well, it doesn't matter when you ended up choosing one? What was it for anyway?

Peyton: It's something in your eyes. Something that silently pleads 'roast me'. Oh, it's of course the socks situation again. If you assumed I ever stopped roasting you on those you assume wrong.

[peytonalexcnder]

text | Cody & Peyton

Cody: I have 3 slots left for a 1-on-1 training session this week. You want one before I open it up to new clients?

Peyton: Honestly, I've been skipping my gym time but I'm going to take your text as a sign so yeah, I'll take a slot. I've been doing an awful job of keeping my diet and I should really get back on the weights.

[peytonalexcnder]

texts | brooks + peyton

Brooks: I was having a really good time with you too.

Brooks: Yeah. Do you want to talk about why? I'm not really sure what I'm doing or what I'm looking for. I'm not really the type to do the casual thing, honestly. I've never been much good at it. But you weren't really wrong either. I started seeing Esme, and that's what she wanted. And honestly, I guess I assumed wrong with you, cause I thought that's what you wanted too.

Peyton: But we're still friends, okay? This doesn't change anything.

Peyton: It's a long story but I always wanted to get into med school and I suppose I wasn't cut out for it. And yeah I thought that's what I wanted. Honestly, it would be easier if that's what I wanted. And I don't blame you because I definitely kept it that way with us when it's easy to fall into that. Just to not think about it all too seriously. But with where I'm at and with some bad experiences in the past it's now becoming clear I'm not really cut out for this either.

[peytonalexcnder]

text | chace + peyton

Chace: uhh this would've been more helpful if both of the shirts weren't sorta blue

Chace: u doing okay homie? you're usually quicker at roasting my fashion choices

Peyton: It's sky blue and navy. There's a difference!

Peyton: I'm okay. I've just been busy roasting you in other silent ways.

[peytonalexcnder]

texts | brooks + peyton

Brooks: Oh... I didn't realize you and Esme were friends. Had I known I wouldn't have, you know.

Brooks: Is it too intrusive for me to ask why you're not in a place to date?

Peyton: Yeah. It's not your fault. I was having a good time with you but yeah, I didn't know either.

Peyton: Well... I guess you noticed I'm not back at school anymore. And I just never thought this would happen. I might be assuming too much to think you're looking for something easy and fun, which is not where I'm at the moment. I've done the whole casual dating thing way too much to know it's not for me right now.

[peytonalexcnder]

texts | brooks + peyton

Brooks: Oh okay.

Brooks: Sorry I guess I misread the situation.

Peyton: No, it's not that. You're a great guy and I like you, but I'm not in a place to date right now. You're also seeing a good friend of mine which is great but now that I know, I don't feel it's right.