tw: suicide, homophobia mentions
For the next few days things went on as Dan would say as normal, Phil didn't bring up that night and they still talked as friends. Nothing changed, and that's what Dan wanted.
One day as they were walking to school, something new came up for them.
"What does the term 'gay' mean?" Phil asked.
"I mean I kind of know what it is, but it's forbidden where I moved from." Phil sighed, "If we ever talked about it, we kind of got questioned for it but I figured out that people here a little more open-minded,"
Dan's eyes widened at this, he knew what gay meant when he was 10. It surprised him how close-minded people were in other places.
He decided to explain it to Phil, so he wouldn't feel left out and he didn't want to raise more questions surrounding it
"It's basically a boy having feelings for another boy,"
"Like having a crush?" Phil asked.
"Yeah, like having a crush."
They were almost to school by this point and Dan was glad. He didn't know any other way to explain it to Phil then how he did.
"Oh, that's interesting."
Dan nodded, "Yeah, most people around here learn about it when they're younger."
"You'd raise too much suspicion if you asked about it,"
"That's crazy," Dan thought aloud. This was something that had never crossed Dan's mind before, that some places could be so homophobic that you literally wouldn't be able to say the word.
They were at school by this point and they were going their separate ways until lunch.
Around lunch, Dan decided to go and talk to Louise again, and fill her in on what's happening. It wasn't like they talked every day, they always had something to share. That's what he liked about his friendship with Louise, they could talk about almost anything without it being too awkward.
They both had brought their lunch that day, and as soon as the bell rang for lunch they instantly went and found each other.
"Hi, do you want to go outside?"
"Yeah, have a few things I need to talk with you about,"
She nodded and led the way.
"Alright, so what's going on?"
Dan got a text message from Phil, asking where he was. He decided to tell Phil.
"We have to make this quick since he is coming outside in a few minutes." Dan sighs, "He asked me what being gay meant,"
"I don't know, Louise, it was just kind of awkward,"
"Do you think you have feelings for him?"
He didn't know at this point. Phil was everything he wanted in a girl, but he wasn't a girl he was a boy.
"You know it's okay if you do, right? No one is going to judge you for it,"
"Alright, that's enough of that,"
Dan said when he saw Phil.
Phil came outside smiling as brightly as ever.
"Dan, I have a question."
"It's kind of on the topic that we talked about earlier."
"How do you know if you have.. a crush on someone?"
Dan stared at him for a bit, he couldn't be serious. He gave Louise a look, telling her he needed help. Thankfully she decided to jump in.
"Well, firstly do you think you have a crush on someone?" She asked.
"Maybe, but I've never had a crush on someone before."
"Okay, well, it's almost like butterflies. It's typically a feeling you get when you think of a certain person of course. You think about them a lot and laugh at their shit jokes."
That was something that Dan hadn't been wanting to hear. Does he have a crush on Phil? Everything she described is what he's been feeling, and it's a feeling that he's never gotten with any girl before.
This set Dan in panic. "Dan? Are you okay?" Louise asked, looking at him.
"Yeah, I'm fine. I think I'm going to go home for today," Dan said. He felt sick to his stomach, anxiety coursing through his bones. He couldn't be gay, and he didn't understand how he let this happen.
He was falling for another boy, and he doesn't know how to deal with it. He'd always been good at dealing with the feeling when he's fallen for a girl, but the feeling hasn't ever been this strong before.
After getting out of their gaze, he decides to run the rest of the way home. When he gets home, he remembers that his mom is working late and she wouldn't be home for a while.
He paces his room for a little bit, Phil wasn't home yet for him to be able to see him through his window. This was something that Dan was thankful for, as he didn't know how much more of Phil he would be able to deal with today.
This is when he decides to try and nap, take his mind off of a few things.
When he finally got to sleep, it was very restless. Phil was in every one of his dreams no matter what they were about, all he could see and focus on was Phil.
He woke up around 6 that evening and decided to take a shower, he didn't want to see Phil then.
In the shower he wept, sorrow filling his brain and wearing him down physically, he couldn't bring himself to care.
After he got out of the shower he looked at himself, looking at the scars covering himself from a few weeks ago. He didn't understand this, he didn't understand anything that was going on in his life at the moment.
The thing that he tried so hard to stay away from has come back to bite him in the ass and he didn't know how to feel about it.
He didn't want to be known as the gay kid in school, and he didn't want to be picked on every time he walked past someone.
Worry was filling his brain so much, at first he didn't hear the knocking on his door. After a minute of it, he went downstairs to see who could down there. His mother had a key to get in, and there was no one else that normally came over.
Dan opened the door to see Phil standing there.
"Hi, sorry for randomly coming over," he said nervously like he wasn't supposed to be there, "I just wanted to make sure that you were okay. You left quite quickly at school,"
Dan sighed, he didn't want to see Phil. Phil didn't know that he was the reason that Dan had to come home for the day, and he wasn't about to tell him that either.
"Oh, I'm just feeling a bit ill, probably got a cold or something."
"Okay, I was just making sure that you weren't dying or anything," Phil smiled at Dan. "I'll see you at school tomorrow."
Dan nodded, after Phil got down the steps he closed the door as hard as he could without it slamming shut.
He went to find his phone, the only person he could trust with his new information was Louise, and he hadn't spoken with her since he darted off earlier. He decided that it would be a good idea to call her and tell her what's up, as he didn't want to go to school the next day.
Since he didn't miss school much, his mother didn't care to let him miss once or twice a semester if he needed to.
After the third or fourth ring, she picked up. "What's up, Dan?"
"I don't think I am going to be at school tomorrow."
"You never miss, what's wrong?"
"Oh you know, I think I am falling for a boy and I don't know how to mentally handle it at this point."
"Is that why you ran off earlier?"
"Yeah kind of, I didn't know really how to handle the situation,"
"Dan, you do know that you're going to have to come to terms with this sooner or later, plus he didn't even know what it meant until you explained it to him,"
"Lousie, he told me that where he's from he could get killed for it, and if he ever moved back there for whatever reason he wouldn't be able to live there."
"Seriously? That's terrible," She sighed, "look Dan we'll miss you tomorrow, I'll just tell them you have a cold or something,"
"Okay, thank you, Lousie."
They hung up a little bit after that. Dan decided that he was going to text Phil so he wouldn't worry about him when he didn't show up in the morning.
'Hey I thought I would tell you that I'm not going to be at school tomorrow because I'm still sick'
'Okay thanks for telling me I would've been worried'
He didn't much sleep that night, he stayed up pacing around his room. All of the thoughts coming back to his mind.
Dan didn't understand why he couldn't just be straight and not have to worry about this, he always thought some boys were kind of cute but not in a crushing way. He'd never felt anything this strongly before, not even for any of his past girlfriends.
He decided to go to the internet, searching 'how do you know if you have a crush on someone.' Going down lists and lists of things that typically happen, most of them to him when he's around Phil. It all was just too much for Dan.
At this point he was getting the butterfly feeling in his stomach, feeling his face get red from blushing around him, and even feeling jealous when he thinks of Phil possibly being with someone else. Jealousy was one of his worst traits as one might say, so it was no surprise that he would be getting jealous over someone else liking Phil if he had a crush on him.
After looking outside for a bit, he looked over into Phil's room. The lights were off, he couldn't see inside of it. He decided that he should go downstairs just so he can breathe a bit more.
He got a glass of water after drinking it he went back upstairs into his room and laid on his bed for the next few hours trying to figure out what he is going to do. He couldn't just quit school because some cute boy has moved in across the street who goes to the same school as he does. He also wanted to be Phil's friend, Phil hadn't done anything to deserve Dan dropping him altogether.
Dan just needed a bit of space, even if it was for one or two days. He had seen Phil just about every day since he moved in next door.
After going back upstairs, he cried for a bit. He didn't understand why he had to make everything so complicated for himself. Always making school harder than it should've been, making it hard to accept the fact that he had a crush on a boy and he didn't know if he was okay with it yet. It just felt like he made existing too hard sometimes.
He thought back to the night that he took the blade down his wrist, thinking about how good it felt, even thinking about the guilt that came after it. This was something that he didn't ever want to get back into, but something about this boy across the street is making it harder for Dan to survive.
In reality, it wasn't the boy's fault, Dan knew that. It was his fault for beating himself up over every little thing. Now he was starting to feel sick, anxiety came rushing through is veins. He couldn't avoid his problem forever, even if he did wish that it would go away after he slept for a little bit.
The problem wasn't Phil, and he's come to accept that fact, it's that he doesn't want to accept himself for possibly being gay. He didn't want to make the same mistakes he made in his previous years and let cutting become addicting. The feeling became bland after a while, after he stopped doing it he realised how much pain it caused those around him. Being blinded by how much mental pain he was in didn't help.
He got a few hours of sleep, waking up before his mother did. Dan decided to go downstairs and wait for her to get up so he could speak with her a bit before she headed out.
Sleep was painful, but it was like his own little world where he didn't have to worry about being judged for being different. Anymore all he saw in his dreams was Phil, most nights that's all he dreamed about. Phil's perfect black hair and glowing blue eyes seemed to be everywhere.
Dan heard her coming down the stairs, turning to wait for her to make her way fully down.
"Dan, what are you doing up so early?"
"I couldn't sleep," He sighed.
"I'm not going today," Dan looked at her. "Mom, I have a question,"
She nodded, "Go on then."
"What if I was.." Dan sighed again, looking down at the floor. "What if I was gay?"
She was in shock, Dan could tell.
"I'll love and accept you no matter what, and you know that," she looked at him. "Is this why you're not wanting to go to school?"
"That, and the fact that I've not been able to sleep for a few nights now."
"Okay, you can take today off but you know you have to go back tomorrow,"
"I know, mom," Dan went and hugged her. "Thanks for talking with me."
As he was eating breakfast, he heard a knock on the door. His mom going to answer it, Dan knew exactly who it was.
"Dan? There's a boy here- his name is Phil."
He got up to go and see what Phil was there for. The one person that he didn't want to see was at his house.
"Hi," Phil chuckled a bit.
"You look rough, have trouble sleeping?"
"I came by to make sure you were feeling okay, I know you said you weren't feeling the best last night,"
"Oh, I'm still feeling a bit ill, I should be back at school tomorrow."
"Okay, do you think I could come by and play Mario Kart later?" he looked down at his feet, "Or are you too sick for that?"
"Of course you can," Dan smiled at him.
"I'll see you later, Dan"
Dan shut the door behind him. He didn't understand why he had agreed to play Mario Kart later, all he wanted to do was relax today and not be around any of his classmates. Oh right, the one person he didn't want to see had to live right next door to him.
He went upstairs to retrieve his phone, turning it on to see that Louise had texted him.
Dan decided to call her before classes started.
It rang a few times before she picked up.
"Is there any possibility that you're alone?"
"They know I'm not coming in today, right?"
"Yeah, now what did you call me for?"
"I think I might be gay,"
"Congratulations on finally accepting that fact, Howell."
"Don't tell anyone please."
"Of course I won't, it's safe with me."
"Thanks, Louise, you're the best."
"Now I have to go to class, catch ya later"
He laid back on his bed, today was going to be a long day for him. He was used to going to school unless he was dying.
He fell asleep for a few hours, getting up when he heard someone at the door; who he would assume is Phil. Dan got up and answered it, looking rougher than the previous hours.
Dan nodded, leading Phil into his house and up to his room. Phil hadn't been inside of his house yet, but Dan had been inside of Phil's house.
"So, do you still want to play Mario Kart?"
"Yeah sure, let me get woke up a bit more," Dan sighed. In reality, he didn't want to do anything else but hit his head against a wall. Which led to his next unexpected question.
"Why did you ask about being gay?"
"I don't know, I'd heard the word and always thought that it was bad because that's the way that I was raised," Phil said, nervously playing with the strings on his white hoodie. "But, I've always been different ever since I was younger. I never liked girls in the way other boys did. I've always felt as if it was the word to describe me."
Dan nodded, it was a lot to take in. He didn't know anything about Phil's past, and that's what pushed him to try to befriend him more. Phil was unlike anything else that he had ever seen before, and his difference is what drew Dan to him.
But, Dan being drawn towards another boy wasn't going to end well. He knew that his mom accepted it, but he also understood that not everyone in the world was going to. He didn't even fully know if he was gay or not, he had felt attraction towards girls before.
Labelling himself was going to be the hardest part of this entire thing. He didn't want to have to put a label on it, but it was what society requested from him.
"I think I might be gay," Dan blurted out. He suddenly realised what he had done, getting up to run downstairs even if it was his own house. It was something that he wasn't ready for Phil to know, and it was something that he didn't know how Phil would react to.
Even if Phil had just said he was gay, which he did, it was still scary to Dan to think about what would happen if those kids at school found out about the fact that he might be anything but straight. It was torture that he wasn't ready to go back to, and he didn't know if he was ever going to be ready to go back to it.
Phil came down the stairs after him, making sure that he was okay. All Phil wanted to do was comfort Dan, even if he did nothing else but sit beside him.
"Please don't tell anyone," Dan sobbed out. This wasn't something that he was used to, crying in front of his classmates or anyone in general.
"It's safe with me, as long as you do the same for me."
"Of course," Dan smiled through the tears. Even if he was hurting deep down, Phil somehow brought a smile out of him.
"Is this why you missed school today?"
Dan nodded, he didn't want to tell Phil anything about the fact that he has a massive crush on him, and he didn't want anyone else but Louise knowing.
It was the same Phil that was sitting beside him at this current moment that brought out this side of him. The side where he isn't afraid to be vulnerable with someone else, and it was a side that no one else had seen in years.
His mother saw it sometimes but nothing like this. He usually cried alone at night when no one was around to question him, he was so used to keeping things bottled up that it got easier as time went on.
"I'm sorry for this, for crying and freaking out."
"It's okay, everyone needs to cry sometimes,"
Dan nodded, he knew that but it was becoming a common thing in his life. He would go to school, be all happy and fake everything, come home and breakdown. That's not how he wanted to live and he knew that.
"Do you want to go on a walk?"
"I can come with you if you want."
Dan went upstairs to get a hoodie and put it on, the places on his arms still not healed enough for him to walk outside without one. He put on some jeans and his black shoes, today it wasn't about looking the best, it was about trying to feel the best.
Phil didn't know what was going through Dan's mind, he just knew that Dan looked rough. He wanted to try and help, even if it was small things like offering to go on walks and playing video games with him.
After he came back downstairs and made sure he told his mom what he was doing, they went and walked to the park. They put the fact that Dan was crying only 5 minutes ago aside and tried to enjoy it.
Dan knew that this wouldn't end the bad thoughts in his head. The countless times that he is going to stay awake at night overthinking everything.
He's dealt with thoughts like this ever since his dad and brother left a few years ago. They've recently come back and stronger than ever, it feels like no one is there for him and no one is around. Even though he knows he has friends and people to talk to, it just feels like he doesn't. A part of him doesn't want to open up to anyone any more than he already has. Dan pushes these thoughts aside for a moment to try and listen to what Phil was saying. Talking about video games or animals or something.
Dan just wanted to go back home and get back in bed forever. He didn't want to leave, and as much as he wanted to see Phil at the same time he didn't. Dan was glad that Phil wanted to come over and make sure that he was okay, offering to take him on a walk and stuff to clear his mind but all he wanted to do was cry and not have to worry about doing it in front of people.
After about an hour they finally started walking back to their neighbourhood. When they got back to Dan's house, Phil finally left and Dan was alone. He was alone with his thoughts and his mind.
Dan was diagnosed with clinical depression when he was younger, he just didn't realise how bad it could get until recently. It wasn't only the realisation that he was gay it was also everything else that came with it and the fact that he knows Phil's mom won't take it as well as he did and he feels like it's his fault. Then comes back the memories of his dad leaving, him being blamed for it at first and then everyone just kind of let go of it.
He missed his brother sometimes, not his dad though. Dan's dad would constantly blame him for things and he would constantly have to hear about things that weren't even his fault anyway. He would've rather died than spend more time with him. Plus he didn't treat Dan's mother very well, would yell at her and push her around. It always became too much for Dan and he didn't like seeing her in that much pain.
His brother was his dads favourite and his brother chose to move with him. Now all Dan feels is if something happens to his brother that it's going to be his fault.
Dan wanted out, he wanted to escape the hell that he was constantly living. Trying to be good enough at school, putting on a fake smile when his mom came home so she wouldn't worry about him. Trying to be someone that he's not around Phil, and trying to push the feelings that he has about Phil down.
Everything was becoming too much and all he wanted to do was get away from it. He went to the bathroom where he kept his medicines for when he did take them. He got some sleeping pills, taking them with a cup of water.
He decided that he was going to write something. To his mother, and to Phil, the kid next door that didn't know him very well but he wanted to.
Dan wrote two separate notes.
I'm sorry that you're having to see me like this. In pain and suffering, I've always wanted to hide it from you to have you not worry about me as much. I love you so much.
This isn't your fault, none of this is. I've always known that I was different in some way or another. I just didn't realise it until you came into my life. Thank you for showing me that, and I'm sorry I've not got the chance to tell you that I love you. You opened my eyes to something that I never thought was a possibility, my sexuality.
Everything went black as Dan passed out on the floor, pale as a ghost.
