Phantomnella

A carcass of poetry. Posts are fictitious unless stated or tagged otherwise

[phantomnella]

I haven’t written in a while but for the first time in years, I just might.

I’ll keep looking for you in every new person I meet, hoping they’d replicate how you made me feel. I’ll try to find freckles on their nose, and see if the patterns resemble yours. Maybe I’ll take a sniff, and see if I smell you on their clothes.

It’s crazy how someone you’ve known so shortly can touch your life. How someone I’ve only met maybe 48 hours ago can make me feel like I’ve known them for a lifetime.

I think about your silly smile, and that ticklish stubble of yours when you kiss my neck. I think about how you yap so passionately about random things you give me so much to think about. I think about how you tell me to journal and write down my thoughts and here i am in a bar crying typing all these down.

I haven’t cried in a while.

I feel lousy for feeling this way. For letting myself feel this way.

But I’m really happy that I met you.

[phantomnella]

What he was and what you were not

Today I met someone new.

He was kind and gentle.

He resembled you in some ways yet differed from you in so much more.

He picked me up exactly at seven like he said he would unlike you who would arrive a wee too late.

The restaurant he chose was exquisite, a sterling contrast to your homey taste.

Our conversations were light and he was polite and sweet, nothing like your straightforward and rustic manner.

He took me to the top of a tower to gaze at the glittering skyline. The moment was picturesque and I felt like a heroine of a John Green's romantic novel instead of our Nicholas Sparks' tragedy.

He understood why I hid behind masks and promised to help me open the lids I had tightly closed.

He offered solace because he could hear the screams of my soul echoing from my drowning silence.

He was kind, he was gentle, he was polite, he was sweet.

But he was not you.

And somehow that made all the difference.

[phantomnella]

One day I will become an old photograph - just somebody you used to love. The women who come after me will ask who I was and you respond with, "Just someone I used to see." and no longer, "The woman I mapped the stars with." They will try to pierce through you further and ask how we met and you will give the reply you've always routinely given out, "At school" when you actually meant, "I remember kissing her under a blue moon that perfect night on July." They will continue to pry and ask why we ended things. You answer, "We grew apart" when what you really wished to say was, "She painted galaxies with her eyes and her heart was a universe I wanted to forever explore. But I couldn't leave the ground and she wanted so badly to soar." 

[phantomnella]

Her kisses

I wish that when she kisses you your tongue would tell the tragedy of our heartache; the fleeting i love yous we exchanged; the words we both left unsaid.

I wish her kisses would tend to the wounds I mislaid in my wake and put my chapter to a close - her pecks carving out a new saga of her own.

I wish she'd kiss you, and kiss you a thousand times more - till I fade into a distant memory. Because Darling you deserve to be kissed and kissed often only by lips whose tongue whispers, "I am yours, always."

[iriiswests]

“I have had to fight for this all my life, Dad. Strangers, girlfriends, fuck even my own parents all asking me to be something that I’m not. Do you have any idea what that feels like? Like your whole fucking existence is being denied, like ‘Whoa you’d be better off if you were invisible?’ “

[phantomnella]

I’ve been trying to rationalize how I feel for you however after repeatedly trying to reassess why it is that I like you, I have yet to find a satisfactory answer. 

Oddly, I could care less. 

What I feel right now is more than enough to make me stay. I’ve lived far too long in a distant future haunted by a false sense of what I think I want and need.

Catch me, I’m going back to reality - I’m coming home to you. 

[phantomnella]

Maybe you just need someone new to move on. It's so easy to say that. I think I've told myself those exact same lines on numerous occasions. For most part they work and you engross yourself in admiring someone else. You're not emotionally committed enough to be distraught if they don't like you back nonetheless it serves its purpose of distracting you from the inescapable reality that someone you once loved or deeply cared for does not return your feelings. However now I seem to be stuck in a rut of being unable to like someone else in your stead. I picture someone another person in your place but he does not fit. He can be beautiful, he can be as accomplished as I had always hoped the man i would love would be yet he the fact he is not you makes it all naught. So how does one get from this point to another? From this place of overwhelming need of you to being okay without you?

[phantomnella]

Show to me that you are worth every phone call, every text message, every tear, stress and heart shattering pain and I swear to love you with every strand of my being.

[phantomnella]

Our fingers intersect akin to how the waves met the shore, fleeting but with wistful awaiting.

[phantomnella]

And I had hoped your kisses would heal the lies your lips had bruised me with.

[phantomnella]

Visionless

So I wrote this a little while ago as I was feigning interest with what I was studying. A friend of mine had entered the vicinity and me, having lost my glasses, could barely recognize his face.

If anything good came as a consequence of my dwindling vision, it’s that I have stopped anticipating your approach. My eyes used to trace your steps towards me, observing how you moved with an air of assurance about you. And your smile…Where do I even begin? Wet lips curled playfully, blue irises that held such a powerful striking stare - in your presence the world stood still and the nebula paled in comparison. 

However when you left; When it became all too apparent that I was not the one who could foster the glimmer in your eye, the yearning for you did not come to an end as would have been fair. I still found myself occasionally searching for you in a sea of faces, peering at corners, staring at this broad expanse, hoping you’d somehow change your mind, that you’d come to realize your life-long search has at last come to an end and I, the destination. But you never do and that chasm you’ve carved in my chest grows only wider day by day, the knots in my gut tightening with every restless pursuit of a futile reverie. 

So for all its worth maybe blindness isn’t much of an agony. For even when I could see I had already been an embodiment of the unseeing - too enraptured by you that I saw nothing else at all. 

[phantomnella]

You are that unfinished poem, that chapter from my favorite book I can not move from. You are that song in my playlist, that melody on constant loop. I try to gaze ahead, to set my sights elsewhere, to write a new poem — but I’m still figuring out how to even end it.

[phantomnella]

An Open Letter To Someone Who Loved Me But I Could Not Love.

Let it be known that right from the get go, you are not at fault.

What the heart covets simply cannot be dictated by the mere kindness and affection of those who circumstantially fancies it and if it did, I would have gladly rested these weary bones; the pilgrimage had alas, come to a conclusion and you would had been the destination.

If I could, I would have loved you the way you so fondly had made me your garden of tulips and roses. I would have planted my roots into your comforting embrace, interlacing the tresses of my identity with yours: an exquisite braid founded upon the promise that you will seek no other and neither shall I - but my heart instead pried further away and into another's arms.

And from that seed which spread itself against the adulation of now faceless beings, both a contrast and akin to you, a youthful and rebelious love grew - wider and wider till it could no longer be subdued and my chest became a humble milldam that housed an ocean of feelings, emotions that welled with a magnitude unlike anything I had been satiated with.

Thus the deluge began and it could not be stopped; it flooded out - but still its flow fared not to you but elsewhere and in someone else it harvested…

However I am not sorry. In the wake of my personal unearthing, I have come to understand that one does not ask for forgiveness for how they feel. If reprieve were to be plead, I beg it for the incidental ache my unwilling heart has scabbed you with. And my only lament, having to have chaperoned a pain I know all too well myself.

The ineffable hurt of the unrequited is no foreign taste to my palate and it wounds me deeply to have brought similar malice to someone like you- a person abounding in amity and patience I had hoped life would have afforded the one to whom I confer my fidelity. And for that you have my heartfelt apology.

Love is quite a handful nonetheless equally amusing. Ones eagerness in its pursuit does not wane even in its cruelest ensual. Illogically conjured as it may be we all fall victim to the nectar of its sardonic pleasure; a happiness I fervently pray that you too will at last find. For in all its vindictiveness and pang, there is still no greater joy than to love and be loved.

[phantomnella]

Be one with the world in celebrating International Women's Month, as the UP Sigma Alpha Nu Sorority, in partnership with Belle De Jour, GSM Blue, SM Accessories, Browhaus, and Strip Manila, brings you a month-long series of events entitled "Ambassadress of Beauty". March 2: RED ROSE MOVEMENT A traditional rose-giving ceremony with a twist. March 20: AIN'T NO HOLLABACK GIRL: UNLEASH THE REAL YOU A seminar on powerdressing, confidence-building, and woman empowerment featuring Kryz Uy, Shai Lagarde, Rene McHugh, Alex Castro, and this year's Ambassadresses of Beauty. March 27: BEYOND CLICHE: DATE NIGHT A culminating party that breaks gender stereotypes. The crusade of woman empowerment begins with you. Together, we empower! Like our page on Facebook: UP Sigma Alpha Nu Sorority Manila Follow us on Twitter: @EANManila Follow us on Instagram: @sigmaalphanumanila Special thanks to our org partners UPM University Student Council, CAMP Synergy, College of Public Health Student Council, and UP Health Sciences and Pre-Medicine Society.

[phantomnella]

I don't mind being a cynic. The one who believes and expects less is more likely to appreciate the gratification of being proven wrong.

[phantomnella]

Have you ever wondered if the universe was a conscious being, playing its hand in amusement so we might find each other?

[phantomnella]

Of all the things I lost when I lost you, what I miss the most was who I was. -N.D