im so fucking done with my photography career. I dont care anymore about shooting, editing, emotionally investing in projects and photos
after 4 years of this βhobby-jobβ thing, Ive completely lost myself..
βwhat do I even like?β βwhat am I into?β βwho am I?β βwhat are my hobbies?β
βhow do people see me, how would my friends describe me?β - producer, photographer. the search for my soul and what it actually wants lasted just over a month. I didnt arrive at some stable βharmony with myselfβ but you dont get there at 18 and not in a month anyway (lets look at reality here, not at public figures)
so whats my point? - the most fucking amazing thing you can learn when youre young (17-25) is the ability to actually plug into life, like βwake upβ take your life off autopilot.
you have no idea how many people around you, how many hobbies, activities, jobs, things to do - have long outlived themselves and were never even yours to begin with. but they stayed in your life for one reason only: habit ;)
like, for example: yay, first day at a new job as a designer (any kind), I love designing so much, Im so happy I found a job I actually like at such an early and promising age!!! I love what I do, I want to do this forever!!
*and then years pass, youre still excited about your work, you do it all the time just like you wanted. but then at some point youre left without βdesignβ (vacation, got fired, whatever), and somewhere far back in your head a thought starts to creep in - βmaybe this isnβt for me?β - but no! you deny it and it retreats even further and now its too scared to βopen its mouthβ you go back to work (vacations over or whatever), everythinβs normal β youre without βdesignβ again β design comes back into your life β and so it goes in circles, until the moment that bitch of a thought becomes a conviction and you stop denying it
and so, in the end, youβve taken your life off autopilot - except youre not 25 anymore, and youre not the adventurer you used to be, youre scared, youre in crisis, depressed, digging around inside yourself. and all of that just to realize - βwhat the fuck design? was I thinking with my pussy back then?? what I actually deeply want is to put myself out there and build my own brand!β
thats the end of my example. I forgot what I was writing about before it, but I really hope you got the point!! :)
